Actually, I know this isn’t an irrational fear because I KNOW it’s going to happen. Every pregnancy book tries to break it to you gently, your already been pregnant girlfriends try to warn you, but you never realize how much it’s going to really affect you until it starts to happen. I mean, they’re just boobs, right? And who really sees them outside of the latest super duper industrial strength pushup creation by Vickie? Me….that’s who. And my husband…but I don’t think he’s going to be nearly as traumatized by their new appearance after this is over as I will. He claims he’s a leg man, and I do have some nice stems. Let’s hope pregnancy doesn’t take those away from me.

I’ve always been quite proud of my boobs. I had a perky full C cup by the time I was 16. Undoubtedly, they helped me pay my way through college (okay…not doing THAT) as a sportsbar and cocktail waitress (can’t deny…the tips were good) . I have never once in my life wished for any sort of boob job. I have been blessed with these two beauties for over ten years, and to see them changing so rapidly, and only for the worse is…well, terrifying and sad as I’m quite attached to them.

Yes, the boobie fairy has already started to make them swell and grow, and underneath my clothes they are looking as fabulous as ever. Their additional size is good because it takes the focus off the college freshman beer-gut I’ve been sporting lately (can I just look pregnant already!). However, they are not pretty with the bra off. The blue veins make them look like a roadmap, my nipples are growing faster than my boobs and at this rate will take over the entire surface of each before I’m out of the first trimester. There are dozens of bumps where no bump used to exist… and I am so sad and disgusted to report that my most recent discovery in the disintegration of my prized possessions is hair. Yes folks, there are nasty black hairs sprouting up on my boobs!!!! Ugh… it pains me to even type that!

Okay…so I can pluck the hairs, ignore the veins and nipples, and they are manageable. If I knew they would go back to normal after pregnancy, none of this would even phase me. But the worst is still to come!! Did you know that after you are done breastfeeding they shrink…er..shrivel up to deflated airbags that won’t even fill your pre pregnancy cup size?? I can handle the smaller size. I may actually be able to finally look cute in some of the tops that Banana Republic sells. However, it’s the deflation that saddens me most. To know that they will never be their perky youthful selves again without the help of Dr. 90210 is truly tragic. I may have to have a memorial service for them soon so I can start the grieving process.