Oh yeah, I’m going there.

You know, for as much as I like to tell readers that I’m honest about the good and the bad, there is one subject on this blog I just avoid as much as blogging about religion- SLEEP TRAINING.

It’s time to cut the crap and drop this veil of secrecy that forces me to direct message and privately respond to questions about letting my baby cry herself to sleep. F all of this.

My one year old? She cries. Sometimes for long stretches. Sometimes while I lay in my bed, wide awake, fully aware that she is pissed as all hell that I am not there to pick her up and play peek-a-boo at 3 in the morning.

And I’M OKAY WITH THAT.

You don’t have to be okay with that, but you shouldn’t really care about that because, you know, I’m not making you make your baby cry herself to sleep. Just mine.

Oh, some of you may be disgusted by this admission. There are studies, I’m sure, that you will link me to. You may think I’m a bad example of a mommy blogger for encouraging such a parenting technique.

I’ve never claimed to be the perfect example, but I’ve always prided myself on my transparency… and this is something I should just quit trying to dance around.

I’m not writing about this to say what I’m doing is “right,” but please don’t view this as a plea for help, and for the love of  GAWD no book recommendations. I’m barely getting enough sleep to operate a moving vehicle these days. Unless you’re going to volunteer to come over here and re-enact the book with puppets and flash cards in short, attention-grabbing bursts, I just don’t have the time or the energy. (And I read plenty of books when Kendall went through all of this 3 years ago.)

Letting her cry was not our first choice. It’s not like I enjoy it. We’ve tried “gentle” techniques, but everything “gentle” just pisses her off more. It’s come to the point where it feels like the most fair compromise is one that equals her being pissed for a shorter time period (which is totally what happens when she’s left to cry on her own versus us hanging out, patting her back, but refusing to feed her) and lets me get 4 or more consecutive hours of sleep.

I’m trying not to go into defensive mode here because I don’t feel like I need to defend this choice. I’ll just add that she’s a YEAR old, not a week old. She does NOT need to eat every 3 hours anymore. She does not have an ear infection or any other ailment. She just needs to figure out how to sleep… and no, we’re not co-sleeping. It’s not an option for us. No, we don’t just leave her in there to cry all night, but it’s more of a judgement call thing than a every-5-minutes thing.

What it’s really boiled down to is that my children need and DESERVE a functioning mother during the day. I can NOT function without sleep. In fact, I’m confident the lack of sleep the last year has been a huge contributing factor to my postpartum anxiety, and the days following a few measly hours of sleep are awful, even with medication and a gallon of coffee.

Honestly, I don’t think babies need to be soothed every time they cry. Sure, when they are younger than 6 months, or they’re sick or hungry, yes, they should be tended to quickly. But, sometimes they’re just annoyed or pissed, and that’s okay. They can feel that way. Those are emotions they can navigate on their own sometimes.

That’s MY philosophy, one that I’m comfortable with, knowing what I know, and having been through this parenting thing more than once now.

It doesn’t have to be your philosophy, but please don’t equate me letting my 26 lb one year old cry and throw tantrums in her bed at 3 in the morning because I won’t feed her magic-sleepy-milk for the 2nd time in 3 hours to child abuse.

And for those of you in a similar situation, the only advice I can give is to go with your gut. Sure, read books if you have the time, but mainly, read your baby’s cues and what feels right to you.

I truly feel that most parents are trying really hard not to screw up their kids, and I’m sure very few take the decision to let their baby cry in the middle of the night lightly. So can we please stop demonizing educated parents who feel like this is their only option?

Edited to add- 

People, people, PLEASE understand the difference between me letting my ONE YEAR OLD cry for UP TO 10-15 minutes at a time and letting a newborn scream for 8 hours, hyperventilate, choke on their vomit, kill their brain cells, etc. 

I thought I made it clear when I clarified twice that she’s A YEAR OLD, that I think any baby under 6 months should be tended to quickly, or any baby who is sick. I didn’t think I’d have to spell. that. all. out. But I guess I do because so many are assuming I’m advocating locking a baby of any age in a dark room to scream incessantly, regardless of circumstance.

So, let’s all be clear that that is not my stance. 

Just as I advocate and practice safe co-sleeping (though we don’t do it any longer), a parenting choice that many jump to conclusions about and demonize, referring to parents who do it as “uneducated” and “lazy,” I also practice “safe” and responsible sleep-training, which is obviously another polarizing parenting choice people are quick to jump to conclusions about. 

If you are the mother of a newborn considering leaving your baby in her cold, dark room for 8 hours to scream and cry while you’re drinking and watching a Lost marathon on Netflix, then I encourage you to do more research than just reading my blog post and taking what I have to say as medical and professional advice.  (That disclaimer was actually necessary because I’ve had several people tell me I just encouraged that behavior by posting this blog. I’ll also be sure to make a disclaimer that parents shouldn’t co-sleep with boa constrictors and meat cleavers in their bed the next time I talk about that… just so I’ve covered all my bases.)

I know all you sleep deprived mothers are dying to know all the details, so here you go:

Friday night – Night 1
Kendall went down at his normal bedtime, 7:30, after his usual routine of bath, lotion, jammies, rock and nurse. (Yes, I’m still nursing  him to sleep or drowsy.  I will elaborate more on this later)

He woke for the first time at 11:30.  I had Scott go in and check on him right away.  He then left and we let Kendall cry for about 5 minutes.  His cries actually had started to taper off around 3 minutes, but then they picked backup so I had Scott go back in just to pat his back and reassure him.  The whole time I lay there in bed listening on the monitor, and this second visit pissed Kendall off royally.  It really escalated his cries and then I felt bad for even having Scott go in there a second time.  Scott said he was laying there, throwing his arms up in the air, demanding to be picked up.  I thought for sure we were in for a battle.  I was preparing myself for the heartbreak.  Then, to my surprise and utter delight, a few minutes after Scott left the room for the second time Kendall quickly calmed down and went right to sleep.  No drama, no vomitting, no choking on his own spit.  It was amazing.

He woke again briefly at 12:30, but only half assed the cries this time around and I knew he was too tired to fight it.  Sure enough, he put himself back to sleep in just a few minutes and we never had to check on him.

At 1:30 I decided to go ahead and feed him when he woke up, then he slept until 5:30 when I fed him again.

Night one was a relative success with us getting down to only 2 night feedings, which was a wonderful change for the 4 nightfeedings we had been dealing with for the last month.

Saturday night – Night 2
Kendall went down a little later than usual.  It was closer to 8:30, I think.  Again, we followed the routine of bath, lotion, jammies, rock and nurse.

After a few hours of quiet and no wakings, I decided to go ahead and top him off at 12 before going to bed with what they call a “dreamfeed”.  My theory was I was pretty sure he was going to wake up in an hour or so anyway and I’d rather deal with this now than wake up from a comfy sleep in an hour.  It was a good thing I did, because as I rocked him I kept thinking to myself, “Gah… your room smells FOUL!  WTF?  Is there a dirty diaper hiding somewhere in here?  Geez… I just cleaned your room really well.  Hmmm… wait a sec… that smell seems to be coming from…. ahhh, shit.  You have a dirty diaper.”  Yeah, I came to this realization right at the end of his feeding.  So I had to change his diaper and wake him up.  I thought we were doomed, but was totally surprised and relieved again when I laid him down awake in his crib and he put himself back to sleep in a matter of minutes.

He woke again at 5:15 and I had Scott go in to check on him.  He only had to check on him once this time and then Kendall was back to sleep within a couple minutes of Scott leaving his room.  Total awake time being less than 10 minutes, and the crying was really tame too.  More of a whine and fake cry than anything.

Next thing I know it’s 8:15 and am I being woken by the noise of a crying baby? No!  Instead, Scott is waking me and tells me that Kendall is playing with my sister (who came in for a visit) in the other room.  Was he starving?  No!  He was happy and playing.  Of course, I did insist that he nurse right away before my breasts exploded, and he did get down to business and seriously put away some boobie, but that was fine by me!

Sunday night – Night 3
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it… so I stuck with the same bedtime routine (although we were back at 7:30 instead of 8:30) and dreamfed him at 11:30.

He woke again at 5:30 as Scott was getting ready for work.  I think it was the noise that bothered him since his room backs up to our bathroom.  I vaguely remember Scott going in to check on him once, and I’m pretty sure he conked out shortly after that.  I’m happy to report that the details are all fuzzy because I was in and out of sleep.  Scott knew the drill and took care of everything.

At 8:15 I got up, refreshed, rejuvenated, ready to take over the world!  I found Kendall happily playing with his feet in his crib.  I promptly attached him to the boob that felt the closest to popping and then dreamed of all the many things I can get done today.

Now, maybe I’m totally jinxing myself (wouldn’t be the first time), but this whole process was far easier than I expected.  I would say that Kendall actually got more sleep and cried less than when I was allowing him to wake up and eat at will throughout the night.  We have all been happier, better rested, he’s resisting naps less, and I’m pretty sure that if I end up paying for his therapy in the future, this will not be the reason.

We are still nursing to sleep at night because it works for us and I like it (I KNOW!  I like it… I really am now one of those moms who will be sad when her baby stops breastfeeding).  I know we will eventually have to phase that out, but I’m waiting until we have all the nighttime feedings eliminated first and that will be the last thing we work on.

I guess we will stick with the 11:30 dreamfeed for now, at least untiil after the new year.  Then I will try to drop that, as well.  But, as it stands now, I am one happy momma.  He may not be the poster child for Ferberizing yet.  He is still nursing to sleep and eating at least once a night, but if I’m getting my 8 hours of sleep, I’m a happy camper.

I really hope that gave some of you a  little bit of hope!  Maybe for Christmas YOU’LL get a silent night, too

Kendall is almost 7 and a half months old.

When I brought him home from the hospital and he woke every two hours it indeed sucked.  However, I was somewhat mentally prepared for all of that and got myself through it by chasing that magical carrot that is sleeping through the night at some point shortly after the newborn stage.  Milestones  have come and gone.  He has mastered the dead man’s crawl so well that he has come dangerously close to making it into the dog’s water before I have had a chance to poke my head in and out of the refrigerator.  He is recognizing some of the baby sign language signs already.   He has 6 teeth!!  He still does not sleep through the night.

As I have recently elaborated on, he not only doesn’t sleep through the night, but is now waking all the time.  All. the. time, people.  Just when I fall asleep there he is on the monitor!  Yes, yes… I wait to see if it will become crying or if he will just fall back to sleep.  Although I don’t know what good that is doing anyone.  I’m still not sleeping if I am laying there listening to him.  90% of the time it escalates and he is not going back to sleep.  So off I go with the magical boobs in tow, or Scott will wake and bring him to the magical boobs.  Then we all settle in for our next 2 to three hours of sleep.  In addition to this madness, he is now fighting naps so hard that I’m beginning to worry if Freddy Kruegar is waiting for him in his dreams.

Today we had planned to get the house baby proofed, clean up a little, hang some curtains, and decorate for Christmas.  Not lofty plans by any means.  Did we accomplish these things?  No.  Instead, I spent the day fighting to get Kendall to take a nap.  The WHOLE day was one giant mess because he refused to sleep.

Okay… I guess you get the point now.  He won’t sleep.  Sorry for the tirade.  Anyway, I’m dead set on getting my nights back.  We must ALL get our nights back, including Kendall.  It can not be healthy for him to spend his days so tired, yet so dead set against sleep.  So…. I sit here typing with Dr. Richard Ferber’s book to my left.  It is patiently waiting for me to pick it up and read it (yet, I am faced with another dilemma which is who on earth has time and energy to read a book about how to get your baby to sleep when the baby is currently NOT sleeping and you’re exhausted to the point of delirium?).

That’s right folks.  I will be letting my child cry it out.  I will be Ferberizing.  You may think what you want, as I’m sure there are plenty of you cringing as you read this, plenty of you already feeling sorry for my child.  Allow me to clarify that I do this out of love for him, and yes, admittedly out of the need for a somewhat normal sleep routine around here.  I have been fighting a cough/head cold/sinus infection for going on three weeks now.  I am not a good mother to my son when I can not function.  I can not function on no sleep.

So there.  I’m doing it.  And I’m sure you all know that I will keep you informed on how it goes down.  In the meantime, I leave you with this hilarious email forward that was posted on thebump.com not too long ago.  I found it funny at the time.  I find it scary accurate now.  I do not know who the orginal author was… surely some wise baby who is the Hitler of the baby sleep strike movent.  Enjoy.

Sleeping through the night: A baby’s point of view

OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for
almost 7 months. The first few months were great—I

cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or
night. Then something happened.

Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN
(sleep thru the night).

At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is
only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and
it seems like it’s pretty common after Mommies have
had us for around 6 months.

Here’s the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to
sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some
30 years to sleep–they just don’t need it anymore.
So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby
Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1–cry every 3 hours until you get fed.

Iknow, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset
over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s
for her own good.

Night 2–cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3–every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly
after about 3 nights.
Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the
change longer. These Mommies may stand in your
doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I
cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!!

If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just
once, she will expect it every night. I KNOW IT’S
HARD! But she really does not need the sleep, she is
just resisting the change.

If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop
crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for
her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then
cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once
stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she
can do it. Last night, I cried every hour. You just
have to decide to stick to it and just go for it.

BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come
up with.
My sleep sack tickled my foot.
I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.
My mobile made a shadow on the wall.
I burped, and it tasted like pears (I hadn’t eaten
pears since lunch – what’s up with that?)
The dog said ‘woof’ (I should know. My Mommy reminds
me of this about 20 times a day. LOL.)
Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded
when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.
Too hot, too cold, just right–doesn’t matter! Keep
crying!!
It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am.
Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am.
You need to slowly shorten the interval between
feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal
clocks.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no
matter how long you suck on them, NO milk will come
out! Trust me.

Kendall is 7 months and 5 days old