Let’s remedy this right now.

Huge thanks to:

Olive Bungalow - She’s back with an even bigger ad, even more support for me, and I just when I think I can’t adore her jewelry any more, she comes out with all this fabulous new stuff. Seriously, THIS is the stuff you want to ask for for Valentines Day. I love her and her pretty jewelry.

Passionfruit Ads- The shopping cart for your blog ads. I can’t wait until it officially launches because, obviously, I need help with the admin side of this whole selling ads gig.

Courtina- Mama Extraordinaire - Love this lovely blog of lovely pictures and sweet babies. Courtney continues to inspire me to be a better, more creative photographer, and I love how she’s capturing the little moments with her family.

Daily Mom Report - “Headlines for moms who want to go beyond the front page.” It’s chock full o’ news that matters to moms (and dads!) in the form of curated links from across the web.

Pea Wee Baby - Home to the SwaddleBuddy Sack – a sleeping sack for babies that guarantees to keep your baby swaddled.  Looks promising to me!

CLICK! How To Take Gorgeous Photos Of Your Kids- an ebook from the lovely and amazingly talented Rachel Devine. I can speak from experience that Rachel is a wonderful teacher (I took her Beyond Snapshots course last summer).

For Two Fitness - Selling fashionable, funny and functional maternity fitness wear. I’m a little in love with these maternity workout pants. I mean… I would even wear them NOT pregnant… on Thanksgiving.

BlogMe by Focht Creative- You know all those photo collages I’ve been posting on here lately? Made with this! And I love, love, love it. It makes photo heavy posts go up 10x faster, and you don’t need Photoshop to use it.

Kin Community - An awesome YouTube channel full of fashion, cooking and home decor tips. It’s free! It’s on demand! Cable-free me loves it.

Hopper’s Baby Haven- Warning! You will be mesmerized by the cute baby on the homepage. He will say, “Come! Buy all the sweet little things here!” with his charming eyes. If you get entranced, I recommend you check out The Hip Mom’s Guide To Modern Cloth Diapers, a book by Kelly Wels.

Livi Stitches Handmade Sewing Patterns- She swears that each pattern is designed with the beginning sewer in mind, which makes me even more tempted to find the time to make these pants for Leyna.  

How To Be A Dad Just a couple awesomely hilarious dudes who make me laugh daily. They were nominated for a Bloggie! So give them a vote if they make you laugh, too.

Speaking of How To Be A Dad, I was honored to be a part of a Spreecast with Charlie from H2BAD, hosted by Janice from 5 Minutes For Mom last week about how to get your blog to go viral. Charlie and I spill some trade secrets, so if you’re interested and didn’t get to see it live, you can watch it here:

Want to see your blog or business featured in a sponsor shout out and in my sidebar? Ad space is available for February!

Please forgive the punchy-slap-happy-cornball tone of this post. I am in the thick of a family wide cold… or virus (Ebola?) that’s rendered us all useless, filthy, and drugged up. I think I have approximately 4 minutes until a child wakes and slimes me with snot.

It would really suck if I was going to go to an actual party tomorrow morning that required me to put on pants and brush my teeth, but the glory of the interwebz is none of you will smell my breath or notice the mucous crusted on my shirt tomorrow morning at The Feminist Breeder’s Resource Guide Launch Party because, you know, it’s a party in your computer!

Come, join me! I’ll be there at 9 am CST when Gina (The Feminist Breeder) unveils her new Resource Guide, full of  instructional, informational and resource-driven articles on many important parenting and women’s issues.

You can RSVP on Facebook so you get a reminder in the morning and the link to the newly unveiled Resource Guide. Then head on over there starting at 9 am CST, Monday the 16th, to see what it’s all about AND enter to win so. many. cool. prizes.

BIG giveaways from DivaCup, Earth Mama Angel Baby, Dandelion Earth Friendly Goods, Cezara Panty, Snugabell, EvyMama, Motherlove Herbal Co., Natural Urban Mama, and FuzziBunz Cloth Diapers!

Meh. I’m not upset. In fact, I totally expected each and every one of those reactions. I’ve been a part of this mommies-on-the-internet thing way too long not to. I grew up on the tough streets of TheKnot/Nest/Bump. I have seen me some kuh-razy when it comes to internet judgement.

Last night I remembered a post I wrote nearly 3 years ago about My Take On Mommy Wars. I’m happy to say my views on the whole thing still haven’t changed, and the biggest takeaway from it I think we all need to remember and BELIEVE is this:

I’ve never hidden that I have a past history of harsh judgement of mothers. Those attitudes actually set me up to fail and feel like shit when I became a mother, and I’m not the judgemental bitch I used to be. Everyone can stand a little growing and reflection at some point, and anyone can change.

If you want to be a part of the movement of mothers online who are fed up with all the “mommy wars” and maternal internet bullying, I encourage you to head to my friend Elizabeth’s amazing website The Mom Pledge, and take the pledge. Those of us who have moved beyond judging (or never did to begin with) need to start speaking up and being louder than those who will belittle us for our choices and tear us down instead of helping us stand up and build a stronger community of mothers.

Because, ladies, we don’t deserve this shit. None of us. Not even the ones doing the judging. Motherhood is a lonely, hard, cold road when traveled alone, and many mothers only have the internet to turn to for support. Let’s make it as warm and inviting as a cozy home that smells of freshly baked cookies (or at least NOT like the piss your kid leaves behind when he misses the mark), ready for a friendly playdate. Your playdate can even involve wine. Just try to be a good hostess, kay? Even to the people who are different from you. (And seriously, if your playdate involves wine, I better be invited.)

I figured since there are 12 months in a year, and this happens to be 2012, it would be cool to challenge myself to master one sometimes-small, maybe sometimes-big thing a month. I doubt I’m the first special snowflake to come up with this idea, but here’s my list:

1. Create a functional office space for myself. No more operating from the counter on the side of the stove. (Already well on my way! I can hear Scott in the other room, cutting dry wall. Our new home office is starting to take shape.)

2. Learn to make homemade tortillas (especially wheat). We spend way too much money to buy freshly made tortillas every week. This can’t possibly be that hard.

3. Improve my blogging and photography work-flow. There are about 50 million places on my computer that I store images and files. It takes forever to search for things, organize them, back them up (when I rarely get around to that). I need a system. This haphazard approach is costing me too much time.

4.  Finish writing my book draft. Yeah, so NaNoWriMo didn’t exactly turn out the way I wanted. I spent much of the month trying to sift my way through postpartum anxiety and figure out the best dosage for my meds. I gave myself a writing break pretty much right after I vowed to write every day. It just wasn’t worth the stress.

5. Print a photo book for every year of Kendall and Leyna’s lives so far. That’s 4 total. They don’t have to be fancy or pretty. Just simply printed in chronological order with a burned DVD of the pictures stuck inside the cover. I HAVE to stop sucking at these things.

6. Do something for someone in need. Maybe another blog fundraiser, maybe just time volunteering, but something that has a big impact on somebody else’s life.

7. Run a race. I thought I might try to attempt another marathon this year… and I may. But, the thought of training for one right now is pretty overwhelming. If anything, I want to at least run a half marathon this year.

8. Purge my closet. Because, really, who needs that shirt they wore in their senior high school pictures *cough* 13 *cough* years ago?

9. Take a vacation. Maybe it’s with the kids, maybe without, but a REAL vacation to an exciting place we’ve never been before.

10. Learn to take self-portraits. I got a tripod and camera remote or Christmas, and I’m super excited to put them to use to master self-portraits to get pictures of me with the kids or us as a family.

11. Print and display our wedding photos. I want to finally get around to designing and printing a photo book (I have a couple Picaboo vouchers I plan to use to make one similar to Leyna’s book I printed last year), and print a large canvas collage to hang on our wall.

12. Make our master bedroom look less like a frat house. We’ve focused so much attention on the rest of this house, all the parts people can see when they walk in, the kid’s rooms. Our room, though, is… embarassing. Seriously. I HATE for people to see our room. There’s no rhyme or reason, no matching furniture. It smells like dogs. This has to change.

So, that all should be manageable, right? And to hold myself accountable, I just set reminder timers on my phone for the 1st of every month to remind me to tackle a new 12 in 12, the 15th to remind myself to keep working on it, and the 30th to see if I’ve blogged it yet.

What about you? Have anything in mind you’d like to accomplish this year? If you get a 12 in 12 post up on your blog, feel free to link it up here:

Or just a lot of ……………………………………………………………………

Our guest judges:
The Bloggess
The Redneck Mommy
How To Be A Dad
Harpers Happenings
The Next Martha
Rachel Devine
The Baby Guy NYC
Jason Lynes of Passionfruit Ads
Parenting-Illustrated With Crappy Pictures

have made their choices,  the top 3, in no particular order, are…

Birth Control Elf by Jessica Marchetti

Step One: Cut A Hole In A Box Elf by Adventure Mama

Flasher Elf by The Nut House

All 3 will be getting a prize! To see who wound up in what place and who wins what CLICK HERE.

More Inappropriate Elf Fun:

The Original 5 Highly Inappropriate And Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas
5 More Inappropriate Elf Ideas & The Inappropriate Elf Contest Entry Post
The Top 11 Inappropriate Elves

So, top ELEVEN it is!

The top 3, voted in by all of you are:

1. Making Ends Meet Elf from Babbling Dreamer (1088 votes)

2. Dobbie Writes His Name In The Snow Elf from The Bearded Iris (1053 votes)

3. Step One: Cut A Hole In A Box Elf by Adventure Mama (1001 votes)

And now for the ones chosen by Jason and me:

4. He’s Watching You Elf by The Lame Sauce  

5. Wiggle x5 from The Walker Fab Five

6. Dexter Elf by Dirty Diaper Laundry

7. Birth Control Flushing Elf by Jessica Marchetti

8. Are You My Daddy Elf by Melissa Bulfone Photography

9. Kidney Theft Elf by Little Blue Boo

10. Flasher Elf by The Nut House

11. Working Elf by Blog Treat

This was SO SO SO SO SO HARD!! You all were hilarious. I loved every single one. I’m really glad I don’t have any say in choosing the winner. That will be the tough job of our amazing judges.  You can read more about all of them and see the rest of all the great entries in the Inappropriate Elf official contest entry post. 

The winner will be announced on Saturday, Christmas Eve!

Thank you to everyone who participated and shared this with their friends. This has been a total blast to be a part of.

Parents with a sense of humor have united the last couple weeks in a way that brings a tear to my eye. We are FUNNY. We don’t take this shit too seriously. We are not afraid to pose elves INAPPROPRIATELY! We will not let the guilt of not moving our elves every day into whimsical, time-sucking, mess-making poses paralyze our spirit.

We are the Inappropriate Elf movement, the 99% of parenthood, if you will.

We have come together to make the holidays HILARIOUS.

Damn, I am proud to be a part of this, and already plotting how to make next year even more epic. So buy those elves on clearance, bitches, because it is ON in 2012.

Voting ends tonight at 11:59 pm CST. If you haven’t yet, go here and click “like” to vote for your favorite. After that, the top 3 automatically make it into the top 10. Then I’ll choose the other 7 and send the top 10 onto our KICK ASS panel of judges.

The Bloggess- Uhm, yes, you are not hallucinating. It’s not too late to come up with entries that incorporate dead animals and giant metal chickens!

The Redneck Mommy- Because this contest is officially the coolest thing to ever happen to me in the blogging world, and not only did The Bloggess say yes, but so did The Redneck Mommy… I. Die.

How To Be A Dad- You know, crazy famous, hilarious dads? You and 71,800 something others may be familiar with them on the Twitter.

The Next Martha- Twitter superstar, Halloween goddess, Target Champ, one of the funniest people I’ve ever built something with.

Harpers Happenings- One of my internet besties, Mandy, who also happens to be so funny she makes me pee my pants. She also produces THE. CUTEST. spawn. I’ve urged her to contact Mattel about licensing a Harper doll.CHAPSTICK! (N0 really, you have to watch that.)

Parenting- Illustrated With Crappy Pictures- She draws pictures of my life. I think she watches me. I forgive her because she is a comedic genius.

Rachel Devine- Representing the professional photography aspect here. She’s in this because 1. I love her, and am inspired by her and 2. she has an eye for amazing pictures. And this IS a photo contest, so…

Jason Lynes- Passionfruit Ads founder with a kick-ass sense of humor and the passion to change how you sell and manage ads on your blog. Also a graphic design super star.

The Baby Guy NYC- I just got Jamie’s Christmas Card. He is TOTALLY up for this challenge. I’m just going to leave it at that.

The winner will get an iPad 2!

But even if you don’t win, even if you didn’t enter, you can still take a little piece of Inappropriate Elf with you, courtesy of HaHas for HooHas.

That’s a Baby Rabies EXCLUSIVE, FREE, downloadable, printable card!

And if you’d like to send it via email, check out the e-card here, also free.

Huge thanks to HaHas for HooHas for their support and to all of you who have shared your hilarity with us, or shared this contest with others.

Now, go get your vote on… or link up if you want to. You still have time!

And don’t forget to check out the post that started it all if you haven’t yet – the original 5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas. 

See you back here tomorrow with the list of the top 10.

But WAIT, there’s MORE! Be sure to read all about how your inappropriate elf can help you win an iPad2 after these pictures.

5 More Highly Inappropriate and Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas

Hoarder Elf

You awake to find him in a corner littered with piles of magazines, dirty dishes, nick-nacks, animal feces, and a flat-cat. You think you see his bed under that large mound of laundry.

Arsonist Elf

He’s lighting your toys on fire. The Christmas tree is probably next.

Peeping Tom Elf

He’s in your bushes. Watchin’ the babies.

Psycho Elf

He surprises you in the shower.

Hump Your Leg Elf

He’s as excited as a horny toy-poodle about Christmas! You find him humping your dad’s leg.

Now it’s YOUR turn.

Go HERE to read the details and rules. 

Yes, VERY IMPORTANT, there are rules. So make sure you read them.

Voting has started! That doesn’t mean you can’t still link up, though. You can link up all the way up to the close of voting at midnight on December 20th. Keep the entries coming!

Once voting closes, the top 3 voted through by you and 7 others chosen by me and maybe a friend or 2, will go on to our guest panel of AH-MAZE-ING judges.

BEHOLD! THE AMAZING JUDGES:

The Bloggess- Uhm, yes, you are not hallucinating. It’s not too late to come up with entries that incorporate dead animals and giant metal chickens!

The Redneck Mommy- Because this contest is officially the coolest thing to ever happen to me in the blogging world, and not only did The Bloggess say yes, but so did The Redneck Mommy… I. Die.

How To Be A Dad- You know, crazy famous, hilarious dads? You and 71,800 something others may be familiar with them on the Twitter.

The Next Martha- Twitter superstar, Halloween goddess, Target Champ, one of the funniest people I’ve ever built something with.

Harpers Happenings- One of my internet besties, Mandy, who also happens to be so funny she makes me pee my pants. She also produces THE. CUTEST. spawn. I’ve urged her to contact Mattel about licensing a Harper doll. CHAPSTICK! (N0 really, you have to watch that.)

Parenting- Illustrated With Crappy Pictures- She draws pictures of my life. I think she watches me. I forgive her because she is a comedic genius.

Rachel Devine- Representing the professional photography aspect here. She’s in this because 1. I love her, and am inspired by her and 2. she has an eye for amazing pictures. And this IS a photo contest, so…

Jason Lynes- Passionfruit Ads founder with a kick-ass sense of humor and the passion to change how you sell and manage ads on your blog. Also a graphic design super star.

The Baby Guy NYC- I just got Jamie’s Christmas Card. He is TOTALLY up for this challenge. I’m just going to leave it at that.

Inspired to enter now??? Use the linky tools below to link up. Want to vote? Just click “like” under the picture you want to vote for. You can vote for as many entries you like, once a day.

Already entered? Here’s a handy button you can put up on your blog to drum up votes. Or if you’re the Photoshop-toting type, here’s a PSD so you can insert your own inappropriate elf into the badge.

Link it back to: http://www.babyrabies.com/2011/12/inappropriate-elf-contest/

RELEASE THE ELVES!

Dude, that was so 1997. Sorry.

Anyway, here’s a little shoutout to some folks who are helping me feed my online shopping addiction (ZOMG the deals are CRAZY this time of year!).

Blogs

My Adventures Through Mommyhood details life as a toddler boy mom, and she’s happy to admit she’s “that mom,” the one that ignores her sons tantrums in public sometimes. I. Can. Relate.

Liberating Working Moms is back this month, and I think a lot of working moms can relate to how extra exhausting the holiday season is.

Courtina is written by a lovely and very talented photographer so you know that’s going to equate to some blog eye candy, especially with 2 adorable little subjects like her twin sons, who were born premature, but are thriving now.

Passionfruit Ads is not necessarily a “blog” but it is definitely something you should get excited about if you’re a blogger who wants to monetize (or who is currently monetizing – selling ads- and sick of all the admin work that goes with it). “Passionfruit is a service that will help blogs manage and sell more blog ads.  It’s not an ad network, but more like a shopping cart for your ads. We’ll also track your stats and clicks and help you figure out if you’re charging enough, and we’re planning a marketplace for advertisers to find sites to advertise with by demographic and traffic size.”

Shops

Little Bird Parties is a sweet little Etsy shop that sells, well, party stuff, and also the coolest keepsake ornaments that she puts your wedding invitation or baby shower invite inside. Just check it out to see what I mean. Also, readers get free shipping with the code babyrabiesfreeship. Yay!

Livi Stitches Patterns is back this month, and I really wish I could find the time to get the pattern for and make this Ava dress. 

Stringing Along is supporting me again. Yay! She’s running a twitter contest for a jewelry set. All you have to do is retweet a tweet she’s typed out for you. Scroll down her homepage for more details.

Hopper’s Baby Haven is also back, and they have Babylegs on sale for $9!

Olive Bungalow is offering 15% off earrings until Monday, December 5th at 9pm PST. I also have a SWEET giveaway from her coming up this week.

The Vintage Chain It may be too late to get your order in in time for Christmas, but it’s not too late for a last minute gift certificate!

For Two Fitness Forget working out in your husband’s enormous, old college t-shirt while pregnant! Oh, was that just me… that one time I worked out when I was pregnant? Well, either way, this stuff is ADORABLE. I particularly like this “We Need A Nap” tank.

That’s a wrap for now. I’m still accepting sponsors for this month, though, and it’s turning out to be a pretty good one around here with the help of my Inappropriate Elf. If you’re interested in advertising with me, send an email to jill at babyrabies dot com and I’ll send the media kit your way. A big, huge thanks to all of my sponsors this month! Please do check them out.

Here’s how you make perfectly healthy veggies completely unhealthy and AWESOME with bacon and brown sugar.

You need a bag of frozen WHOLE green beans, a package of bacon and some brown sugar. That’s it.

I cut the bacon in half. Then lay it on the cookie sheet and place 5 or so green beans in the middle. Like so…

Wrap the bacon around the beans, place seam side down, then top with brown sugar. Go ahead, be generous.

Then bake at 350 for 45ish minutes, depending on how done you like your bacon. We like our bacon pretty well done around here.

Easy peasy and crowd please-y! These are always the FIRST thing to go at our Thanksgiving Dinner. You should try them out at yours!

Disclaimer: I am not a food blogger. I am actually not even much of a cook. This is a recipe I posted after Thanksgiving last year, and I’ve had a couple people email me looking for it again, so I figured I’d re-post it to be helpful… and because I’m too sick to blog about anything original right now (DAY 12 of whatever wretched sickness this is). I was going to re-take the pictures because, truthfully, the ones I posted last year aren’t all that appealing, but again, the sickness.