How To Tell If You’re Pregnant

I grunt when I move, I pee 4 times a night, I have to brace myself against something to catch my breath after walking up our stairs. This marks the beginning of the “I feel super pregnant” phase. Timely, considering I’ve only got about a week and a half left in the 2nd trimester. OMGWTFCERVIX.

As I flopped my belly from one side to the other while trying to position myself in bed last night, a feeble attempt to fight off insomnia, I had to wonder just how the ever loving f**K does anyone not know they are pregnant.

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Listen, I’m not saying they are lying, and I know a lot of issues come into play here. I believe them. It’s not my experience, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen.

Having been through this 4 times now, though, perhaps I can shed some light. Beyond just a missed period for a long stretch of time, nausea, and weight gain, there are some other tell-tale signs you’re with child that may not be so widely known.

YOU MIGHT BE PREGNANT IF…

You burp lava after drinking a glass of water.  It’s technically called reflux, but that doesn’t really do enough to describe the intense feeling of your stomach erupting up through your throat for NO APPARENT REASON.

You suddenly can’t stand the thought of anyone touching you, ESPECIALLY your significant other. Husband aversions are one of my biggest pregnancy symptoms. You may not be falling out of love! It could just be a fetus. Don’t rush to divorce until you take a pregnancy test because you could definitely use their help with midnight diaper changes, and you’ll probably like them again after a while.

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You want a Frosty, but only if it’s not runny, and when you get a runny Frosty, you cry and throw it. I’m not saying it has happened to me… just… it could happen.

You want mint chocolate chip ice cream, but when you get it you decide you actually would rather have mango sorbet, but when you get that you think maybe just a mango would be better, but then you get a mango and you peel it and pit it and almost cut your hand off, and then it tastes disgusting so you throw it and cry.

You’re so tired that you’ve lost the will to bathe regularly, but you do enjoy soaking in a hot tub of your own filth, just not having to, like, shave or clean yourself while you’re in there.

Because you’re so tired, you need so much coffee, but you’ve lost that loving feeling for coffee, or it repulses you entirely and makes you hate life  for the rest of the day when you manage to get any past your gag reflex.

You NEED a kitchen renovation and new carpet in the bedroom, and your closets desperately need organized, and your baseboards are suddenly so filthy you don’t think you can ever have guests again.

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You toss and turn all night thinking about how dirty your baseboards are and how you should clean them, but you’re so tired.

Everything smells awful.  

Everything makes you cry.

Everything makes you want to throw things. 

Raw chicken suddenly reminds you of a vagina and there’s no way you’re ever eating chicken again. 

Do any of these apply to you? Please take a pregnancy test. I’m not saying you’re pregnant, but if you are, you should totally know so you can milk that ish. There are special parking spaces for us, you know.

Pictures of myself taken with my iPhone app for my camera, though, yes, you could say I love my phone that much. Whatever. I’m just trying to cherish this fleeting, precious moment. 

  • Jessica - This is more accurate than any medical description published in the history of ever. So freaking funny and true. Dont forget about going into Hulk mode when someone eats the last of something you may have maybe at some point wanted to eat. Throws random shit and cryReplyCancel

  • Wombatish - Omg the too tired to bathe and evrything smelling awful x 10,000

    Although the other day it did make burnt popcorn smell like caramel dental fluoride. Which isn’t exactly appetizing, but better than burnt popcorn! And it was sooo specific.

    Forgot the gag reflex turned up past 11 and the knob broken off though :c I can barely bring myself to brush my teeth or take a pill without some applesauce (which is slowly being tainted in to gag city all by it’s lonesome thanks to that). TMI but my tounge hasn’t been brushed properly in about 11 weeks.

    It’s our not-really-planned, not-really-the-right-time, but oh well, roll with it first! Not like we haven’t been together almost 10 years and won’t be fine with some family support and assistance, but still scary AF. Especially since I already have anxiety.ReplyCancel

  • Wombatish - But at least now all my random Mommyblogs I’ve found myself sucked in to make more sense ;p
    And I feel a little more prepared thanks to them. A little more scared too, but ultimately the scale tips to prepared, lol.ReplyCancel

  • Tricia - I’ve been in a crying rage fest all day and this made me laugh. I have NEVER been this emotional with the other 3. I cry literally everyday. My husband brought home the wrong shitty, Walmart miniature ice cream cones (I wanted the birthday party flavor and he got…the wrong shit, that’s all I know) and I proceeded to slam doors and cry and then go sit in a hot cauldron of my own filth for an hour. Because hot baths are nice but I just want to read Domino and not actually cleanse myself.

    Your blog has helped me survive this 4th pregnancy so please keep blogging until we have these babies.ReplyCancel

  • Ambar - 30 weeks, my first and only… unless my husband carries the next one..not sure i wanna go through this again..still have nausea everyday, not food related..though i guess i should be grateful im not vomiting all the time any more ..i loose my breath at the stairs too and get dizzy just by bending…the lava and the bathing totally!!!! i was asked about my maternal instinct, but so far only buying instincts biggg buying instincts, every cute outfit i see i need it!ReplyCancel

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