He’s really smart. I’m not just saying that because I’m his mom. His teachers think he should be in the advanced class.
He DGAF. He has never been driven by a desire to please. He is his own entity, and he does what he wants. I still feel that traces of colic live on in him. I’ve been waiting for him to grow out of it for 7.5 years.
He’s not just smart in the reading comprehension way. He gets people. He may not care to please them, but he knows how to work them, he can read them on a level that most can’t.
Every. Single. Day. I worry we’re failing him.
He has the potential to do GREAT THINGS. We have the potential to really fuck him up.
This is not the kind of kid who raises himself. He’s not the ficus tree of children. He’s the orchid, the one that needs lots of devoted, specific care.
IDK, you guys. I don’t know shit about plants… orchids. Disregard. Let’s try again.
He is VERY CHALLENGING. He is the kind of child parents with more patience, less tendency to yell, more focus and followthrough should have been given. NOT that I would ever not want to have him. I get it. He was given to me – the impatient, yell-y, scatter brained mother- for a reason. 34 years in this universe has taught me not to question that.
BUT really, I’m not qualified for him.
When he was just days old, I vividly remember laying in a dark room at 3 in the morning with him BEGGING him – out loud- to please understand that I AM TRYING. He screamed and screamed and I cried and cried. I rocked him, bounced him, shushed him, nursed him, I made up lullabies entirely of the word “please.” Nothing worked.
I knew I wasn’t qualified for him from the beginning.
So every day of motherhood since has been me trying to be the mother he NEEDS, not the one I am. Every day, it’s like going to work at a job that someone gave me without even looking at my resume, and just faking it and hoping I don’t destroy something before I can figure shit out.
We had a parent-teacher conference today. We all agreed on two things. 1. He’s really super smart, you guys. 2. He doesn’t care.
Oh, we also all agreed that that is SUPER FRUSTRATING- to witness a kid who has so much potential just have no desire to try. We sat around, three teachers, Scott & me, and we tried to figure out how to get him to want to do well. And none of us had a really solid plan other than rewarding and taking away iPad time.
I’m not qualified enough to know how to make a kid give a fuck, but I do have an iPad.
I’m just showing up as his mother every day and hoping I figure it out before he realizes I’m not qualified for him.