Things I Actually Say, Now On Instagram

Parents say the craziest stuff, right?

Like, “If you don’t kill the wolves for your sister, I’m going to put you in timeout,” when Minecraft goes awry and you have no idea how to fix it and make the 4 year old stop crying but the 7 year old does and refuses.


Or, “Are you peeing on the table?!” when the toddler is, yup, definitely standing on the table with his diaper ripped off, just peeing away because you dared take your eyes off him for 5 minutes while you put his laundry away upstairs.

And, “Daddy’s on his way home, so try not to look like you’ve been playing games all day,” because, well, it’s summer, and I’m still working and these kids are home and sometimes I just don’t even make them get dressed or do anything, especially if I’m working on a deadline.

(Not that my husband will give a flip about what I let them do while he’s gone, but if he knows they’ve been playing video games all day, there will be no video games that night, and I’m just being a nice mom and warning them… and also sometimes I just don’t want to hear the whining about no video games at night.)

So the @ThingsIActuallySay Instagram account is up and running, with a few more short videos of some strange #ThingsIActuallySay. I hope you make your own videos and use the #ThingsIActuallySay hashtag! Follow along, find some new funny peeps to follow, and let’s all laugh with each other!


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  1. “we do not sit our naked butt on the cat”
    shrieked in defense of a very disturbed and highly offended cat.

  2. Ashton Dino Singleton on

    Don’t rappel the baby off the stairs! What I just said after finding my one year old nephew strapped into a doggie harness with the older kids prepping to send him over the side….

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