Mother’s Day Sucked, PPA Sucks

Yesterday, Mother’s Day, didn’t go very well, and I’m mad.

The kids fought nearly the whole day, the restaurant we chose for a late lunch served up awful service and sub-par salads. Nothing went as planned. Heck, nothing really was planned. I spent the 2nd half of the day taking a nap in an effort to restart. When I woke, I just wanted to forget it was Mother’s Day altogether.

But it wasn’t the expectations, the arguments, or the long waits for food that angered me. Granted, they agitated me, but what really angered me, what made me want to cry was how badly all that affected me because of my postpartum anxiety.

I. Am. Mad. that postpartum anxiety, something that’s already making motherhood difficult for me, made my Mother’s Day a wash.

I lapsed on taking my meds because my prescription ran out. I took my last dose on Wednesday, got a refill after an appointment on Thursday, but then there was a tornado warning, and then there was Friday (which was just nuts), and then Kendall’s birthday party on Saturday. By Sunday literally all I wanted for Mothers Day was to quickly get to Walgreens to pick up my prescription and a relatively relaxing lunch.

I was so wound up, so jumpy, and everything was so…. loud at that point, that it was nearly impossible to relax. Add to that all the little hiccups that I’m usually able to roll with (or at least not actually lose my mind over), and it was a recipe for disaster.

Then there was the guilt for feeling this way, for just wanting the day to not be about me, when just the sound of my children’s voices made me tense up. There was guilt for not being able to just get over it, to appreciate this day for what it is- another day with my family, which is something I always try to be grateful for… or at least see the silver lining.

Today is looking better. Tomorrow will be even more improved, I’m sure. And the next day? I’m asking for a Mothers Day makeup because I will NOT let that PPA bitch take it away from me.

 

  • Emma Justus - Jill, I just want to say thank you. Your candidness about your postpartum health inspired me to go get the help that I so desperately needed – and things are finally starting to get better! I hope you feel better soon and that you get your make up day!ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Oh, Emma! I’m so happy to hear that you’re getting better.ReplyCancel

  • Jessica - Jill, I am so sorry, and I am RIGHT there with you. I lapsed on my Zoloft last week and I am about to lose my mind. I am more PPD than PPA, but everything you said resonated with me. Here’s to staying on our medication and kicking PP to the curb!ReplyCancel

    • Jill - I hope your week gets better and better. Hang in there!ReplyCancel

  • Amber Dunn - I live this. I feel this way about the first three weeks of my daughter’s life. On Day 3, I woke up in a panic I couldn’t come down from, and for the next few weeks, just holding, feeding or diapering my baby and then handing her over to someone else was a huge success. I couldn’t even be in the same room as my kids alone without panicking. I missed so many beautiful moments, and I’m pissed.

    PPA IS a bitch, and we WILL take her down. Hang in there, Mama.ReplyCancel

  • Jh - Have you thought about seeing a natural path? Someone who will test your blood levels for the hormones that are off balance, and correcting them? I have four children and have had ppd each time, I have used many anti depressants and not one has actually worked. Just masked the pain, the feelings, the anxiety. Not actually correcting them. Then going off is even worse, the withdrawals, the side effects. I refuse to take another anti depressant. I highly reccomend getting someone even if it’s your primary dr. To test your hormone levels and see what is lacking. For some people it’s as simple as Vitamin d and magnesium, or progesterone. It’s worth a try and so so much better.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - I did have all of this checked when I went through this with Leyna and all of that came back “normal.” The meds are doing their job getting me out of the hole right now. I’m hopeful I can get off of them at some point with lifestyle changes like I did last time, but they are so crucial for my basic day to day life right now.ReplyCancel

  • SomebodysParent - Sorry. Blerg. That’s the worst. Been there. Sorry it had to happen Mother’s Day. I hope you got your prescription.ReplyCancel

  • Samantha Amidon - thanks for being honest and admitting you hated MDay! I hated mine too because this was my first Mother’s Day since my husband passed away and my little guy is too little to understand what Mother’s day is. I felt a little like an asshole for complaining that it sucked, but it did.
    Sorry about the PPA. It’s rough.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Oh, Samantha. I am terribly sorry. So so sorry. I can’t imagine the pain.ReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - Scott should write something on living with a person dealing with anxiety. I could use some perspective in that area.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - He is not much of a writer, but maybe one day I’ll get something out of him.ReplyCancel

  • Jessica - I was also going to suggest Essential Oils for this type of anxiety. I know when that prescription runs out, it’s not any fun. I use Young Living essential oils, and I know Joy and Valor both have worked well for me and my post pardum junk. I have a 9 week old, and when I use my oils, I can definitely tell a major difference in the way I feel. Might be something worth looking into for sure.ReplyCancel

  • Jenna McGraw - I’m so sorry your Mother’s Day was a wash. I don’t suffer from PPA, but I was diagnosed with clinical anxiety when my daughter was 3. What you were describing was exactly how I felt for the longest time before I finally sought help and was put on meds. Thank you so much for being so honest with all of us. I hope you’re able to have a make-up day soon.ReplyCancel

  • Amy Arvin Bartow - I’m so sorry. I developed severe PPA after weaning my son. It got so bad (before I actually admitted something was wrong) that I had a hard time being with my son. The crying was just too much for me to handle and all I wanted to do is lock myself in my room and never come out. Luckily, the right dose of Zoloft and making a conscious effort to give myself a break when I felt overwhelmed, made me a new woman. You are not alone! Hang in there mama!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Heather Adsit Walter - Thank you for sharing this. I am so sorry you are dealing with PPA. It did a pretty good job of robbing my joy at one point, too. Kudos for getting the meds you need and realizing you will feel better soon. ReplyCancel

  • Mav Gonzalez - Hugs Jill. I had an anxiety attack yesterday that came out of nowhere. Good thing is you can have a do over. Any day you wish. You deserve it. ReplyCancel

  • Jess Cadena - Jill, this was me! No PPA, but exhaustion and lack of sleep, achy body & headache + a million little things that usually don’t bother me but did yesterday, resulted in a bitchy mood. Came home, slept it off and pretended like it wasn’t suppose to be a magical day and the remainder of it was fantastic. Then I felt like an asshole for being an asshole. YAY We shared a very similar moms day.ReplyCancel

  • Christa Collins - You should try some lavender or wild orange essential oils. All you would need to so is inhale from the bottle or rub a drop in your hands and cup it over your nose. ReplyCancel

  • Katie Artale Astoria - Oh honey, I’m so sorry. πŸ™ It really sucks when things don’t live up to the already lowered expectations we have, if any. You are strong and I know you WON’T let it take you down. And if it’s any consolation, for the millionth time, thank you so much for being a voice for PPA/PPD etc. Hugs to you and to a better tomorrow, my friend. ReplyCancel

  • Amie Jacklin Clark - For me Mother’s Day is just another day too. The boys wish me happy Mother’s Day and then promptly fight with each other, argue with me when asked to do something and finally after a day of holding my tongue make me scream and lose my shit like a crazy woman. My Mother’s Day will be better when they move out, right? Right!?ReplyCancel

  • Wendy Cray Kaufman - You know, I really never knew PPA was a thing until I had it. It’s seriously ruining my life and I’m not sure what to do about it.ReplyCancel

  • Carolyn - Yes, you can ALWAYS request a do-over holiday for any reason, and PPA sounds like MORE than a good enough reason! So glad you have your meds now, and I hope you’re next attempt at Mother’s Day goes better πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Karen Schatzer - Your words are so comforting. Comforting to know that I’m not alone. You just described my worst days as if you were in my head. Thanks. ReplyCancel

  • Melody - OMG! I normally love your blog, but I hadn’t seen anything about PPA until right now. I JUST had a conversation with my doctor’s office on Friday. Thanks for all of your posts about this–such a huge help. HUGE!ReplyCancel

  • Kristen Jenkins - This was my Mothers’ Day almost to a T. I have not been on medication for about a month now and I had some wild fantasy that everything would be perfect… nope, nope, nope. Thank you for this blog… it has shown me that I’m NOT the only one out there.

    Today was a lot better… you know, while I was sweeping and mopping and doing regular stuff. Funny how that works out.ReplyCancel

  • Lisa Humphries - Oh Mama! I feel ya…I am actually starting to get a little scared because I am due in 7 weeks and had PPD/A for about 18mo. post-partum last time.

    Sigh…hormones are whack. I’m trying to find someone in my area who will encapsulate my placenta in the hopes that it will help.

    I’m scared.ReplyCancel

  • amy - I feel ya. I wont tell you my story but I wants a do overReplyCancel

  • Desiree Fawn - You totally get a do-over, girlfriend. Wishing you the best <3 <3ReplyCancel

  • Mj McCay - Wow. I feel the exact same when I go a few days without my meds. But my newest addition is almost 6 months so I didn’t associate it with PPA. Just thought I was nuts. Thanks for the open and honest look into your Mother’s Day. Sorry it couldn’t be better but you brought this mama a little more confidence in knowing it ain’t just me! ReplyCancel

  • Joan Powers - I don’t have PPA – I have a severe anxiety disorder that I’ve had all my life, but the symptoms are the same. I’m so so sorry you are in this boat too. It sucks. It’s hard. It’s RAGE inducing to know that you are over reacting, but unable to stop or regroup because your brain just can’t. And the desperation when you realize you forgot the one thing that makes it manageable? UGH. Just know you are not alone. You don’t suck. Anxiety does. It’s a miserable beast. Hang in there, drink up, and hell yeah you get a do over when properly medicated. Love from MA.ReplyCancel

  • Korrin Traska - Thanks for the comfort that I’m not the only one! After losing my mom 2 years ago and my husband having to work all day, the kids were just the fighting icing on the cake. I couldn’t wait for the day to end and felt so guilty for it. I knew it was because I also let my meds lapse because I needed a refill. Just like I find solace in reading your words, please know you’re not the only one either!!ReplyCancel

  • Amy Hanavan - I’m so sorry. I’m just finally recovering from ppa. I don’t know how you do it with 3 kids! I hope you find peace soon.ReplyCancel

  • Gina Crosley-Corcoran - I ran out of meds a few weeks ago and went 4 days without my Lexapro before I was able to pick up the prescription and I remember that feeling of just DESPERATELY wanting the pharmacy to open because I was straight up sick. I was shaking and jittery and dizzy and wanted to just die. That can totally ruin a day/weekend/holiday. I understand completely. It also made me realize just how much I need the meds despite hating that I take them.ReplyCancel

  • Jennie Wilson - I had PPA so bad after my son I was hospitalized for a day. I still get upset it robbed me of the first three months with my son. I’m still upset it keeps me sometimes from wanting another baby because I’m scared of it coming back. I’m so sorry. Im sending you strength and hugs. You know it gets better but I know when you are in the midst of it, it seems like it never will. ReplyCancel

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