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10. His hands are fascinating.

9. He is actually a honey badger.

8. He’s trying to figure out how to eat the mattress.

7. He’s fantasizing of putting LEGOs and fistfuls of dog hair in his mouth.

6. I’m extremely tired and could pass out at any moment.

5. He never plans on sleeping again.

4. He’s chewing on a puff he stashed in his cheek 2 hours ago.

3. He can’t stop thinking about boobs.

2. He’s milk drunk, but like the kind of drunk where you just laugh at yourself and babble really loud and roll around and chew on your own tongue.

1. He’s solving world hunger…
Just kidding, he’s pooping.

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19 thoughts on “Top 10 Reasons My Infant Is Not Sleeping”

  1. Ha! Right there with you. My son (4 months old) found his feet this week. Game over. Putting said feet into pjs is now the.worst.thing.ever. Demands for pj removal are at their most frantic around 3 am because that is the time the feet MUST be inserted into his mouth to make sure they still taste as good as they did at midnight. I’m so tired.

  2. HAH! You these are all the REAL reasons running through the babies but as a new mom here are the reasons running through MY head:

    (1) Oh God did I let her nurse long enough? Maybe I should sneak back in and try to dangle a boob in her face? That doesn’t count as “checking on her too frequently” does it?

    (2) Maybe I didn’t sing her enough lullabies, maybe I could try to sing her another one over the monitor?

    (3) I’m sure I screwed something else up, I better find that happiest baby book I bought because Jill from BR told me too and read it again while I watch her try to fall asleep on the monitor lol

  3. Definitely milk drunk and boobs ha ha ha haaaaaa!! Solving world hunger while pooping . . . . Yep best thinking done on the can!

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