Our nearly 3 year old is mostly potty-trained. You might be thinking I’m very excited about this. I mostly am.
Except for all those times I remember it’s 1,000 times easier to tell her to just pee in her diaper while we’re out to dinner than it is to take her to a public restroom.
It’s also 1,000 times less embarrassing.
Having potty-trained 2 toddlers now, and heard many a potty-training in public battle story from my comrades over wine, I feel I should compile this list of things toddlers will do in public. Just so those of you new to this are prepared.
1. When dining out, they will suddenly, urgently need to go RIGHT NOW the moment your food gets to your table. As your hot plate of food is placed in front of you, your toddler will begin to shout, “OH! I have to poopy. I farted! There are poopies in my butt! I have to go now. NOW!”
2. They will narrate everything. And then they will expect you to repeat back to them what they are narrating so they are sure you heard them.
“We’re going to the potty! Mommy, we’re going to go poopy on the potty! We’re going to take off our panties and go poopy! Mommy! MOMMY!”
“Mommy! We’re going POTTY! POOPY ON THE POTTY!”
“Right. Yes, poopy on the potty. Okay. Got it. Please don’t touch that.”
3. They will insist on getting completely naked. People outside of the stall with see a pile of toddler clothes on the floor next to tiny bare feet because no, you can not leave their shoes on. Are you crazy?
4. They will look under the stall. And then talk to the person next to you.
“Oh! Hi! I wike your shoes! I went poopy. Are you going poopy?”
5. They will cheer for you when you sit on the toilet, and then try to reward you for your efforts.
“Yay! Go poopy!”
“Oh, mommy just needs to pee, honey.”
“SQUEEEEEEZZZZE your tummy. SQUEEEEZE. YOU GET A CANDY CORN when you go poopy!! You can do it!”
6. If they find a Tampon in your purse, they will insist it’s a snack.
“Nack, mommy! I want a nack! Open it. OPEN IT!”
7. They will try to open the stall door while you are physically incapable of stopping them without leaving a stream of urine behind you.
8. They will lick the sink and other disgusting things that are sure to give them ebola.
9. They will tell the WHOLE RESTAURANT that they just pooped in the potty. Like, literally try to run up to tables and announce it like it’s that evening’s special.