All The Ways My Body Is Making Me Pregnant Rage

My recent shocking revelation that this pregnancy is very suddenly about to come to an end seemed to coincide with my body revolting against me. I believe it’s nature’s way of making me quickly come to terms with having an outside baby and fully embracing the idea because GET IT OUT.

I hesitate to blog this (and then publish it) because, you guys, I will KILL the first person to tell me to “relax and enjoy this time.” KILL YOU WITH MY INTERNET DAGARS. STAB, STAB, STAB. Pregnant rage- do not fuck with it.

Do I want the baby to come right now? NO. Because no childcare for Kendall and Leyna until Sunday. But then? OH WHAT THE HELL, JUST GET OUT, WE’LL FIGURE IT OUT.

Let’s see… where to start? Let’s start with the not sleeping thing. Because I just LOVE how people tell pregnant women at the end to enjoy the sleep they can get now before baby comes out and keeps you from sleeping. HEY GUESS WHAT, ASSHOLES? Not sleeping. Not at all. Unless I employ the help of drugs (Tylenol PM), and then I can’t wake up for 4 days.

I’m guessing part of the reason I can’t sleep is good ol’ fashioned pregnancy insomnia. But then there’s also the other fun stuff thrown in, like the contractions in the middle of the night that leave me wondering if I should go ahead and grab that bag and ask the dogs to keep an eye on the sleeping kids so I can make it to the hospital on time.

PackedBags

And the itching. The itching that doesn’t stop. Nope, not PUPPPs (how many freaking Ps is there in that? I’m just taking a stab at 4). Nope, not ICP. Nope, not anything that makes a damn bit of sense (though I am VERY thankful I don’t actually have PUPPPs or ICP). JUST ANNOYING ITCHING IN RANDOM PLACES AT RANDOM TIMES. Mostly at times when I really want to sleep.

Oh, and the Restless Legs Syndrome, which is actually restless entire body syndrome. I used to laugh at commercials for RLS meds. Restless Legs… ha! What a silly sounding problem. I TAKE IT ALL BACK. THIS SHIT IS AWFUL. And it should properly be renamed Mother Fucking Asshole Body Keeps Twitching RIGHT BEFORE I FALL ASLEEP Syndrome. Doesn’t that sound like something NOT TO LAUGH AT?

Still low on iron, and not eating enough protein. Not all that shocking considering I still want to eat sand more than anything else on this earth. I’m doing my best with the iron supplements, I swear, but the eating is hard. It’s like first trimester all over again. Aversions and heartburn like whoa. I truly look forward to being like, what do I want to eat? EVERYTHING! And not having to wonder what this and that will do to my digestive system and how it will affect my heartburn.

Hmmm… what else… Oh! I guess now would be as good a time as any to tell you all I have some sort of cyst growing on my labia. ARE YOU DYING RIGHT NOW? Because I am. But wait, there’s more.

It’s nearly the size of a golf ball.

So, essentially, I have a testicle at this point.

And what’s going to happen to it? Well, a couple options were explained to me by a couple midwives. It could either just rupture while I’m pushing. An option that, I think, sounds worse for the person catching my baby and in the line of fire of all that horrific mess than me. I mean, everything burns and numbs down there in intervals anyway when all that is happening. Hopefully I won’t notice? Other than the geyser of bodily fluids that will no doubt shoot out of me when it happens.

The other possibility is it will just get really freaking huge. My last midwife said she saw one grow to the size of a orange while a mom was pushing. A LARGE CITRUS FRUIT. ON MY LABIA.

The plan is to do nothing right now. In fact, my current midwife doesn’t want to do anything with it until my 6 week postpartum check up because it’s possible it will go away on it’s own (even without rupturing) when the pregnancy is over.

However, if it becomes infected between now and then (because that happens frequently with these), or, I’m assuming, if it does grow to the size of a fruit and prevents me from, like, walking, we will come up with a plan sooner than that. A plan that will involve cutting and draining and such down there. BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I WANT TO DO AFTER RIPPING MY VAGINA IN HALF TO GIVE LIFE.

My midwife sweetly gave me a rice pack yesterday at my 39 week appointment. You know the kind, you heat it up or freeze it and use it to treat such ailments as sore shoulders, achey backs, and crotch pain. Yeah, I spent last night with a hot pack of rice on my crotch, unable to tell if the pain I’m feeling is from the baby cracking my pelvis in half or the pressure of the ever-growing testicle/cyst.

I’m just going to end this now because the pregnant rage is blinding me so much that I’m fully divulging details of my labia to the world, and I should probably stop before I further embarrass myself. Not that that’s even possible.

You want to tell me to relax and enjoy these last couple of weeks/days/whatever? COME AT ME. I WILL KILL YOU.

Edited to add: It is totally, 100% okay to laugh at this. Please know I am laughing- HARDYHARHAR- right with you. Because WHAT is my alternative? Killing people. And that’s…. just… not going to be fun for my kids to watch. 

  • KearaThorne - I for one support all of your pregnancy rage as I felt the same damn way the last month or so. Sleep now, enjoy this…I wanted to kick people. The itching, the insomnia, the cramps, and restless everything! I spent weeks yelling “GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT! 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer - No comment. Other than I completly understand 38.5 weeks pregnent. And I am done, get it out, I don’t want to be pregnent anymore.ReplyCancel

  • Redetoto - I know that this is serious, but you worded this so hilariously (is that a word?) that I couldn’t help but chuckle. This sucks though! I hated the last like, month of my pregnancy. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through. I hope it doesn’t get worse!ReplyCancel

  • Andrea - I’m not pregnant. I’ve never had children, and I’m not married, but I feel for you, sister. You just provided a strong dose of birth control in my direction.
    I hate that you feel like this, and hopefully it’ll be done soon. The pregnancy and the creepy cyst.
    Thanks for keeping it real.ReplyCancel

  • Jesse - STAB STAB STAB. I can’t stop laughing about that. LOL Poor momma. I tore off 1/2 my labia during my VBAC. Also causing a hemotoma at the time. It was about the size of a small apple. It required surgery, a year later, but its all good now. I hope this is all over soon for you!!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Laurel@Let's Go on a Picnic! - It could possibly stay the way it is which, I’m sure, is not the answer you wanted to hear.

    I could say it’ll be over soon, but that’ll only make time stand still.ReplyCancel

  • KellyFShelton - OMG. I just want to give a big hug (okay maybe more like a gentle hug) right now.ReplyCancel

  • Tara - I’m pretty much in love with this post. I’m due end of the summer, and was just thinking pretty much all this yesterday. I can not tell you how rage filled I get when people tell me to enjoy all the sleeping before baby gets here. At least when the baby gets here I won’t be dealing with insomnia, heartburn, RLS and freaking having to pee every 30 minutes at night. Pretty sure I’ll be getting more sleep. I’ll cross my fingers for you that you go into labor as soon as your child care shows up!ReplyCancel

  • Babe_Chilla - Uh nothing about that sounds enjoyable at ALL but, I am laughing at you so….I guess your pregnancy misery is at least entertaining for the masses?

    Pregnant in the Texas summer with baby 3 sounds like it’s own hell, but that citrus fruit labia is just icing on the cake…hang in there, I hope s/he arrives about .45 seconds after childcare does.ReplyCancel

  • Sally @ Exploits of a Military Mama - My heart goes out to you, mama. Really, 100 perfect and sincerely. That cyst? That cyst sounds like it would bring me to my knees while NOT pregnant. I can’t imagine. At all. AND RLS? I had it too. It’s horrendous. I’m sure you’ve tried everything. The only thing that helped me was getting out of bed and stretching. In the middle of the fucking night.ReplyCancel

  • Tonia R - I feel your rage quite clearly. As for the spontaneous testicle, I’ve been there too and it is not fun. At. All. Hate those! Generally it’s a warm compress, a soak in the tub if possible and it will explode on it’s own in a nasty mess that leaves you feeling astonishingly relieved. Sad but true. :/ReplyCancel

  • Jen - Oh Jill 🙁 I feel for you girl, I really do. With my third and final pregnancy I had a thrombosed hemorrhoid at 35 weeks and my OB laughed at me and told be I had to go to a colorectal surgeon to remove it. I was in so much pain I didn’t know whether to punch her or cry hysterically at what was to come next. Long story short, needle in your @ss + being 35 weeks and uncomfortable + being extremely embarrassed = major rage. I yelled several expletives and screamed out that I was so done having kids all while crying as the nurse held my hand. Thanks for reminding me that I do not want anymore children as a couple weeks ago I briefly entertained the idea of having a 4th……Hang in there momma….ReplyCancel

  • Beth Anne - You. Have. A. Testical.ReplyCancel

  • sarah oliver - I wish I could just get on a plane right now, fly to you and watch K & L so you can go to the hospital and scream at them till they remove your baby… and cyst xReplyCancel

  • sarah oliver - I just googled it. its really freaking common it seems. one woman had FOUR.ReplyCancel

  • Jess Z. - OMG! I am so sorry! I feel so bad for you…and your cyst. Ouch. Baby soon, ok? You need a glass of wine! or four.ReplyCancel

  • Jayme Kubo - I’m just gonna go ahead and add “labia testicle” to the ever growing list of messed up pregnancy side effects that no one tells you about. You did a great service to all women today. And gah. And holy shit, I hope it’s over soon (vagina ball and all).ReplyCancel

  • Jessica Pero - I’m 34.5 weeks and RIGHT THERE WITH YOU, so don’t feel bad. Don’t relax, don’t enjoy, go ahead and be miserable and we will wallow with you 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Arnebya - I am involuntarily clenching all of my southern areas. But I both hear and sympathy feel your pain. You might never sleep well again in the next decade. Better to get used to that fuckedupness now. I AM FULL OF SUNSHINE.ReplyCancel

  • Carrie - I’m glad you edited this post to say it’s okay to laugh, because, umm, I was feeling a little bit guilty laughing as I read this.

    But seriously…the cyst part? So sorry, girlfriend.

    The restless legs and the itchies? OMG THE WORST.

    Maybe this baby will be 7 pounds and glide right out? Sounds like you deserve it.ReplyCancel

  • Myndee - Thank you for validating that the end of the 3rd pregnancy is the worst. I remember a girl on the internet gave me shit about complaining so much (she was in her 2nd tri with her 2nd kid), and I thought maybe I was being a baby…but I wasn’t. I knew it! I hope this all ends soon for you.ReplyCancel

  • Meghan - Oh Jill! Your testicle sounds horrible! Rage away! I honestly believe the last month of pregnancy sucks so bad so you are ready to do anything, including labor and delivery, to end it. I am 5.5 weeks postpartum and the soreness, bleeding nipples, interrupted sleep and adjusting toddlers are still much better than the last few weeks of pregnancy. Luckily for you it can’t last that much longer, until then RAGE on!ReplyCancel

  • molly - Oh Jill. Oh oh oh. I feel for ya hon. Remember the massive tumor-like abscesses that formed in my breast post-partum and I had to have my boob cut open while trying to BF a newborn? Yeah, not so fun. You complain all you want, my friend. This is a hard hard thing!ReplyCancel

  • casey - right there with ya and I’m only 29wks atm… though these are my 3rd and 4th babies I’m baking after having my 1st and second in 2012… twins twice in 2 years does a number on the body it seems 😉 I am thankfully sleeping well still, but the amount of supports and doodads I have had to employ to get through my days is a bit excessive. You have a cyst… I have vaginal varicose veins… not quite tests sized but OMG so painful. Hoping for those to go away on their own PP.ReplyCancel

  • Zoe - Killing is also an acceptable option. You are about to explode and could totally write it off. Have at it. RLS is no joke, I have it all year round. I had to stop taking my meds when I was pregnant and was driving forks into my legs, so I feel your pain. As for the vaginal testicle, wow, you have my sympathy. Any way, screw em. Kid your time is up and get out. May the force be with you. Now go stab something.ReplyCancel

  • buckiddo - Well…damn.ReplyCancel

  • crystal - I can’t decide which is worse: the unknowing of what a pregnancy is going to be like before your first child or knowing exactly how freakin god awful it’s going to be before trying to have a 2nd. I feel for you. Hopefully baby comes out immediately once your child care situation is secured.ReplyCancel

  • Donna West - I will not tell you to relax at all, there are certain aspects that I can relate too. My third and fourth pregnancy lasted longer than 1 & 2 so by week 36 I was Done, I never knew how bad your pelvic bone could hurt until I carried her head down and low from week 28 to 39 when she finally came. Sleep what the heck is that?? Currently I am 29 weeks pregnant with #5 and haven’t had a good nights rest in …. I’m not sure how long feels too long. Also low on iron, and well I feel ya. I just wanted to say that while I don’t have an extra testivle I have hemroids and those aren’t fun either… But you aren’t alone. I love you and your blog ReplyCancel

  • Amanda Mae Haynes - I officially remember how awful pregnancy is and no longer want more kidsReplyCancel

  • Melissa Stepniak Ives - Thank you for reminding me what the last few weeks of pregnancy is like…now to find a doctor and schedule a vasectomy for my husband…ReplyCancel

  • Anna Murray-Rubin - We’ve all been there (okay, maybe not the cyst part) but pregnancy is a bitch… Go punch something (preferably nothing living)!ReplyCancel

  • Paula Claunch - I had the exact same problem with the…er…extra testicle. I took an incredibly hot bath and applied pressure. Pretty much the grossest explosion ever. Keep your chin up…or don’t…it’s a good time to have a meltdown.ReplyCancel

  • Emily Odette Williams - Ummm dying. I was jut picturing you snapping necks, limbs, etc if the mother fuckers that would dare challenge you. Sorry bout your nut sack too. I really am. ReplyCancel

  • Leigh Peters-Fransen - I am a few weeks behind you. Anyone telling me to relax better have that backed up with childcare, a prenatal massage and a place for me to take a four hour nap.ReplyCancel

  • Krista Mulcahy - Definitely laughing (you told me I could!) and commiserating with you on the end-of-pregnancy insomnia (had it all the way through w/ #1, but it is particularly maddening when you know you’re supposed to be getting it before you’re doomed not to sleep through the night for the next year). I hope baby makes his/her appearance the instant you have non-canine childcare. And good luck with the testicle.ReplyCancel

  • Tammy Rosa - I will not tell to you relax you know WHY because I was there and let me tell you once you overcome the shock of your VA JAY JAY disappearing and you start playing “When did that get there” as you shower and a big ball in your way preventing you from seeing your feet the rest is a “WTF is my body doing now!” So just say “it’s almost over, it’s almost over” Between the IBS (itchy boobie syndrome) and NOT sleeping it sucks! Oh yeah in the beginning it was bliss but when your favorite attire becomes a MOO MOO it’s not all that it is cracked up to be. I’d like to see a man pregnant and crying at every damn commercial or wondering where his pecker went and the swollen feet oh and let’s not forget the metallic taste in your mouth along with that nasty ass liquid you have to drink! But I’m not bitter LOL. I have an amazing daughter and when you get the urge to have another one, read your blog and the comments LOL, Good Luck and sending prayers your way so you don’t go cyber postal LOL.ReplyCancel

  • Andrea - Just read how Channing Tatum thinks “pregnancy is one of the sexiest things ever, for sure” and now I just want to forward him this blog post 🙂 Maybe along with the description of how I told my husband in the hospital that I think my water broke, only to have him look under the blanket and assure me that it didn’t, I just pooped.
    And I did laugh out loud reading this. You may be miserable, but you’re still funny.ReplyCancel

  • Jena Marie DiPinto - I have nothing to offer except a very gentle hug and hoping that the minute you can hand off the kids on Sunday that baby #3 makes a quick and relief-filled entry into the world!ReplyCancel

  • Rachel Cullison Childress - Holy cow that was funny. I remember being so irritated with those people who said ’relax and enjoy’ and ‘get sleep now’. YOU CANT BANK SLEEP! After my first one was born and I was so tired I hated everyone who said ’it’ll get better’. No one could tell me WHEN. Finally, shortly after going to back to work following my maternity leave I was looking for a shoulder to cry on about the baby being sick or not sleeping and my coworker said something like ‘welcome to motherhood’. I actually yelled at her in the office in front of other people. She never said that again. It would be a lot better if people just said – ‘I know this is tough, what can I do to help?’.ReplyCancel

  • Hannah Spencer - Why aren’t all people honest with their inner murderer at this point on pregnancy? I would read more.ReplyCancel

  • Yvette Pacheco - lmao! At least now I don’t feel like the only person who wanted to rip throats out every time someone said to me was a blessing it was. lol wrong girl….ReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth Schroeder McGrath - I feel soo bad for you right now. But I can’t.stop.lauging. I’m so sorry. I also feel guilty about laughing. But oh man. You nailed the pregnancy rage. NAILED IT.ReplyCancel

  • Larissa Pankratz - You are so awesome. Remember this time next year your testicle will be a distant memory, you’ll be eating whatever and whenever you want, and you’ll be itch free!ReplyCancel

  • Katrina - I had the “testicle” problem too though I had had it on and off since I was 18 including during my first pregnancy (in which I did not make it to labor before needing it drained ER doctor freaked out “how far along are you 41 weeks!!!!” “Um… let me call your doctor I don’t think I should be cutting you this close to labor”). Second time the lovely testicle was fine through labor made it all the way to six weeks and since I had become entirely fed up with getting them my doctor and I made the decision to remove the entire gland. My DH was so very pleased, 6 more weeks of healing yay!ReplyCancel

  • Nic - OMG – at 40+ weeks and I hear you loud and clear!ReplyCancel

  • LE - Vericose vein on my vulva, compression underwear, urine leakage, 45 pound weight gain, repeat csection… And now looking at my 4 week old, I would do it all over again in a minute. I will not tell you to enjoy it, but it is worth it : )ReplyCancel

  • Sallie Snyder - I love you.ReplyCancel

  • Heather Irish Butterfoss - Speaking as one who is 38w2d pregnant — yeah, SOOOO there with ya. You forgot my major cause of not sleeping though – NO POSITION IS COMFORTABLE! EVERYTHING HURTS! :'(ReplyCancel

  • LetMeStart - OMG, YES.
    Restless Leg (Entire Body) Syndrome.
    Itches so bad, I kept industrial-sized bottles of Sarna in my fridge and coated myself in it 3x a day.
    Vaginal dermatitis. Allergic to my own vagina. Yep. That. Burning, itchy, oozy, fatly inflamed, horrifying, labia guarding my sad vagina. Good times.
    Cervix zapping. Constantly.
    Sciatica.
    No sleep.
    Inability to eat.
    Pain after eating, because my baby was all “WTF was THAT? No fun for you, Mama!”
    Even my bacne hurt.
    So, yeah. I get it. And I’m sorry.
    Enjoy the 2.5 seconds a day when you don’t actively want to murder someone. Because those are good moments, right? Maybe you can enjoy 2.5 seconds a day? It’s something…
    May this child pop out of you, popping your teste as well, so you don’t need too long with the peri bottle post-delivery, my dear.ReplyCancel

  • Rebekah - Sounds like a Bartholin’s gland cyst. I have one and had it since around high school. It comes and goes but never gets bigger than golf ball sized. All my doctors like to ooh and ah over it, weirdo medical professionals. Mine definitely ruptured when I ad my daughter and went through a fun cycle after she was born of filling and randomly emptying. It’s been 4 years since she was born and it hasn’t ruptured/emptied in at least 3 years. But I’m expecting our second in November. My current obgyn is very eager to surgically treat it…
    I hope yours goes away and never comes back after baby is evicted!ReplyCancel

  • Jolene - Im so with you! Im only at 32 weeks. However yesterday, I was tempted to use my pruning sheers for evil instead of good. My neighbors reported us for unruly vines? My hubby works 18 + hours a day. Plus, we now have 5 days to get it taken care of and are taking a sixteen hour road trip tomorrow. Oh yes, Im very excited. Can you tell? Anyway, I had to do the cutting of the vines in 95 degree heat yesterday… And said neighbors stood in their yard watching me!!! I stood their varying between tears and wanting to cut their limbs from their old, nosey bodies. Not to mention, another nosey elderly neighborcame to tell me about said notice with a smile on her face. :-/ Plus, we’re moving soon and so im prepping for a move, birth, and upcoming school. Yay me. Passing the chocolate your way!ReplyCancel

  • Emily Hawks - That all sucks. Rage on. But your Vera Bradley bag is adorable!ReplyCancel

  • Hippi Longstockings - I feel you so bad. I didn’t give birth until 42 weeks with my first two, those last two weeks I may or may not have actually killed someone. On a side note I think this story may have made me fall in love with you. ~AmyReplyCancel

  • Gina Crosley-Corcoran - I just love this. I love that other pregnant women were as “I WILL KILL YOU RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING FACE” as I was during those last few weeks. Everyone in my path was lucky we didn’t end up on the evening news.

    I had one of those cysts on my cervix during my second pregnancy. It burst when I was pushing. Far as I know, nobody was injured. But my cervix is disfigured now. I actually saw that my midwives drew a picture of it on my chart. It looks like a flower instead of a ring now. I know that you wanted to know that about me. *fist bump*ReplyCancel

  • Lety Bullard Murphy - I can add more, I really think I am enraged at almost anyone who crosses my path, I am only 34 weeks pregnant and feel like a cranky old bag all the time. It gets worse everyday and almost everything irritates me. Please add that to the rage. ReplyCancel

  • Tiffany Noll - I wish i could get pregnant to know what you feel.ReplyCancel

  • Liesal Hoffman - So, in summary, “Fuck you hormones!”ReplyCancel

  • Mari - Watched a video of a baby’s first year and started thinking I might want another baby. Read this, and I think I am okay with the one I have. Thank you! 😉
    Hope you can sleep tonight.ReplyCancel

  • Amanda - Thanks for the laugh! I am So glad to know I was not alone in those feelings. Toward to end I would tell people I couldn’t wait til the baby was born because sleepless nights were a piece of cake compared to the constant feeling I was going to barf. Oh, yes! My “morning sickness” lasted morning, noon, and night all 38 weeks of my pregnancy! Rage on sister! I feel your pain!ReplyCancel

  • Sarah - As I was reading, I thought, “oh, that’s pretty normal end-of-pregnancy rage” then I got to the part about the cyst and have decided you are several notches above “miserable pregnant lady.”
    I’m so sorry… Hope you have the baby Sunday night.ReplyCancel

  • Emily Jankowski Newton - OMFG that is just crazy!! At least this is the home stretch! You are mere weeks from drinking margaritas and laughing it off.ReplyCancel

  • Kay - I feel you on that. So uncomfortable at the end. I had RLS as well. Have you tried soap under the bedsheets? I don’t know the story behind it but it worked for me. I know it works for some but not for others.ReplyCancel

  • Kim Cook Malone - i think ppl are only allowed to tell you to realx and enjoy it during your 1st pregnancy 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Sarah Darby - Thank God! Someone who hates pregnancy as much as I do!ReplyCancel

  • Allison Ross - My third pregnancy I itched all over constantly and it drove me completely nuts. And the end just sucked balls. Totally feel for you. I am NOT having any more children after that nightmare…ReplyCancel

  • Melissa W Summach - LOL I don’t know what’s worse – the labia-fruit growth you just shared with us, or having a grain pack freezing your labia-fruit growth. It sounds like the makings of a surreal cravings salad (and yes, I didn’t sleep a wink my last few months – having to physical coach your belly to the other side without winging me off the bed was a team effort – and by team, I mean me).ReplyCancel

  • Nadia Carriere - Oh I am SO sorry. I can’t say I know how you’re feeling with the whole cyst situation, but I was raging at the end of my pregnancy too. It was horrible. I just wanted him OUT. Also, thank you for posting this. I was starting to think I was the only one who ever experienced pregnancy rage because everyone talks about how amazing and beautiful it is all of the time and it is NOT. The third trimester is horrid.ReplyCancel

  • Kristin VanderHey Shaw - Oh, Jill. I had some crazy pregnancy side effects, but this tops it. You poor thing! Come on out, baby. Jill’s ready for ya.ReplyCancel

  • Alicia Kipp Flick - I had the random itching in my hands and feet when I was pregnant… everytime something like that started and I asked my doctor, his response was “hmm… that’s weird.” That is NOT a helpful response to a very large pregnant woman. I wanted to strangle him on more than one occasion. 🙂 Thankfully, it’s almost over for you!ReplyCancel

  • Aimee Lopez - I have nothing of import to add, except that I am so very glad that your so close because holy crap, my labia aches for you. And that is the weirdest thing I have ever said to another woman. You’re welcome.ReplyCancel

  • Jodi 'Nunn' Hjelle - aww. Restless legs I still remember that. If I heard one more person tell me to relax enjoy get sleep I was going to lose it too. Your almost there. oof on the cyst I can’t believe they wont do anything for it. Oh and the horrific pregnancy insomnia ugh made me want to crawl out of my skin.ReplyCancel

  • Victoria Schilke - I’m fairly certain I’m actually crying. Half from crazy pregnant sympathy hormones, and half because, holy shit why does stuff like this happen?ReplyCancel

  • Still Pregnant! Pictures to Prove It - […] It seems some people, pages, websites reported (?) that I checked into the hospital this morning. I have no idea what would have given anyone that idea, but I wish with all my might it were true. Pregnant woman is still ragey.  […]ReplyCancel

  • Sarah Jane - How did I miss this post? I LOVED it, though maybe that’s bad to admit. Hopefully everything worked out.ReplyCancel

  • Nikki - So, I had a “cysticle” too. At 38 weeks it was so bad I literally could barely walk around my house. A trip to urgent care and a follow up with my ob later, they cut that sucker out. And PACKED it with gauze because it was so big and now there was a gaping hole in my nether regions. Which, three weeks later, we’re torn apart again by, you know, childbirth.
    Awful. It’s hi on the list of reasons this kid is my last.
    (Also, even when they go away on their own or get drained, they’re not gone. I actually am pro-cut those bitches out. My sister was tired of me calling her crying so I could go to get them drained over and over,)ReplyCancel

  • Meghan - I had once of those cysts twice. Both times I wasn’t pregnant. The 2nd time it got so big I couldn’t sleep. Dr cut & drained it with, ready for this, wait for it, no numbing the area. Just cut my labia open. Two nurses had to hold me down and than I couldn’t leave the office for a 1/2 hour because they were afraid I’d pass out. When I told my midwife later on she said, “he did that because he’s a man. I wonder how he’d like it if someone did that to his scrotum?” She said all this in front of my husband. lol He agreed with her 100%.ReplyCancel

  • Nicole - I had PUPPPs… it was somethin’ else – I got it postpartum, just when you think the worst is over. Damn.ReplyCancel

  • Kimberly Williams - I was laughing so hard. I was in the same boat with you. Glad its all over now. ReplyCancel

  • Lowell’s Birth Story - […] body was revolting against me. I had a testicle/cyst growing larger each day (oh, you really should read all about that), and at my 40 week + 4 day appointment, my midwife had to utter the word “induction” […]ReplyCancel

  • Pictures of Our Week 2 - […] does not have a picture to go with it (you’re welcome), but I’m happy to report the “cystical” is completely gone. It disappeared all on it’s own, making it one of the most effed up […]ReplyCancel

  • That Time My Breasts Met Joshua Radin - […] I have been dreaming of that drink since the cystical.  […]ReplyCancel

  • A Facebook Celebration and a Shutterbag Giveaway! - […] And yet, I still keep blogging about things like that time I had a cyst that looked like a testicle. Awkward. […]ReplyCancel

  • Kerri@Elbow Deep in Someone Else's Sh*t - Thank you! I smelled a baby this week and started to think another one would be fun… I’m good now though. I have regained my full memory of pregnancy, no more babies.ReplyCancel

  • Web design apps - Greetings! Very usefl addvice wwithin this post! It is the little changes
    that make the greatest changes. Many thanks for sharing!ReplyCancel

  • Jenn Pittman Corcoran - I just started following you (after a friend liked your recent PPA post and I went oh HEY! That is so me! & now I’m going to get some help so thanks for that!) and I’m loving all of your posts because my second is Lowell’s age (actually born the day before this post) and I am right there with you with the cruising/standing/shuffling 9 month old and It. Is. Not. Funny. But this? Oh my…. I am so sorry, and I hope it all resolved itself, but my God….the universe was not kind to pregnant you! However, I did get a seriously good laugh out of this and I so appreciate your sense of humor. We could totally be friends. You’ve definitely got a new reader. 😉 ReplyCancel

  • Postpartum Realities - […] LOOK DOWN. For a long, long time. But this time, I really wanted to know what was happening with that cystical. (A cyst on my labia the size of a golf ball that showed up while I was pregnant because the […]ReplyCancel

  • Baby Rabies | 40 Weeks 5 Days Pregnant Is A Lot Of Pregnant {contributor} - […] You’re exactly as overdue now as I was with Lowell last year before I finally evicted him. The rage was strong with me. I feel your sciatic pain, sister. Welcome to the blog! I truly hope you’re so busy taking care […]ReplyCancel

  • Elise Albano - Omg. The Cysts. I’m not even pregnant anymore and I get them several times a YEAR, now. Holy. Jasus. My fave though was when a doc told me to go home and have my husband use our kitchen knife (not joking) to make an incision (or I could do it, she said – because what girl doesn’t want to take a knife to her vagina?) and drain the thing. Cute, right? Yeah. Military medicine rocks. Thankfully, it burst on the way home, so my husband only had to knife my lady bits a little, to get it all out.ReplyCancel

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