Boobs! (The Last) Hurrah!

I went to Dillard’s to buy a new bra last week. Victoria’s Secret was closed for a remodel, and Dillard’s was the closest place I could think of that had a lingerie department.  I recall buying some of the bras in my early years from Dillard’s. Didn’t they carry Miracle Bras? I’m much more in need of a miracle these days than when I was 15… but I digress.

This time, a young sales woman, after fitting me, brought me two hands full of bras that looked like they could function as soup bowls… or basketball slingshots… or props from Mrs. Doubtfire.

“Errrr… I don’t think… those are… wow. They are ugly,” I couldn’t help myself.

“Oh, I’m sure it’s the color throwing you off. Try them on, you’ll like them,” she encouraged me, like I was Sam I Am.

I gave her the side eye, then did my best to shimmy into them, one by one, while trying not to fully expose myself to her. I don’t know where this sudden modesty came from. It’s not like I’m not half naked in front of strangers somewhat frequently since embarking upon this motherhood journey. But medical professionals and bra fitters are kinda different, I guess.

“Yeah, no,” I sighed as I sloughed off yet another hideous contraption. “Don’t you have anything with less… fabric? I mean, I don’t need my entire breast covered. And I would actually like some cleavage. In fact, I’m pretty sure I need some padding, something like a push-up.”

She looked at me and my 38 Ds like I was a stripper.

“Oh, well I’m not sure we make anything with a lot of padding or pushups in your size,” she replied.

And so I left. And I found a Victoria’s Secret further from home that DOES offer pushups in that size because I am a mere 32 years old, and this is the last time in my life my breasts are ever going to be this glorious (while not leaking fluids) without the help of plastic surgery.

SO I’M GOING TO PUSH THESE BABIES UP. And together. And I’m going to celebrate this cleavage one last time.


Listen, I know Victoria’s Secret is certainly not the end all be all for bras, but it’s never failed me, and I knew I could find one in a mall with a pretzel stand near by.

I’m quite happy with the bra I came home with from there. Oh sure, it won’t work as a nursing bra, and it likely won’t fit me after pregnancy, but damn if it isn’t a powerful piece of pushing up and together machinery.

I’m going to need to get used to it’s powers a bit, though, and rethink some of my wardrobe. After slipping into a dress for a fancy end-of-conference party at Mom 2.0 this weekend, a dress that fit me perfectly 2 months ago, I spent the rest of the evening assaulting innocent passersby with my very outgoing rack. I’m certain my breasts would have leapt out and done kegstands if I wasn’t watching them closely.


Me, my two Mom 2.0 roomies- Morgan and Katherine.

(Not that there were kegstands at Mom 2.0. I’m looking at you, Wall Street Journal.)

Boobs are definitely one of my favorite perks of pregnancy, and I intend to cherish them this last time around before I turn them over to another hungry mouth. Not that breastfeeding boobs don’t have moments of amazing, but for now they are both equal in size and haven’t started shooting streams of milk across the room when I take off my push-up bra. I’m digging that.


Speaking of boobs and breastfeeding, I’m happy to be included in the recently released Babble ebook-  Parenting, Uncensored: Straight Talk Real Moms and Dads on Breastfeeding. I share my 10 tips for breastfeeding success in it. The ebook is a collection of stories from bloggers who wrote about a wide range of experiences centered around breastfeeding. You can buy it for $1.99 here.