Thoughts On Adding Another- Would 3 Be Tempting Fate?

We’ve reached the point in time when people are now openly asking us when we will have another baby. We’ve been quite open with everyone near us that we plan to have 3, so it’s natural for them to assume the 3rd will be announced any day now. Leyna is about the exact age Kendall was when I got pregnant with her.

And I had intended for them to be equally spaced apart.

But I’m just not there yet. I thought I would be, and it’s not like there’s much holding me back. Timing wise, it would probably be great if we could make that happen soon-ish.

The thing is, I sometimes wonder if it’s tempting fate. We have 2 healthy children. Beyond some 1st trimester spotting with Kendall and a chemical pregnancy and miscarriage before Leyna, I’ve had un-eventful, normal pregnancies (okay, so I ate rocks last time… but still). We’ve never experienced the heartache of losing a pregnancy (the chemical pregnancy was only known to me for one day, and, for me, wasn’t that big of an upset). We’ve never had to see our babies in a NICU. Both births have gone exceptionally well.

So sometimes I just think, why push it? Why put ourselves in a vulnerable position again? Truthfully, I could be happy with just Kendall and Leyna, but I don’t think having another baby would make me unhappy. No doubt, I know I would love them so much that I’d wonder how I could have ever imagined life without them.

Scott, though, is completely set on the idea of one more. He is not “done” with just the two we already have. He would be happy to have an entire bus-full, but 3 was the agreed upon number for a long time, and I know he’d at least like to have that.

When I envision our family in 10 years, there are 5 of us. I want to get there, and I do yearn to experience pregnancy just one more time. It’s just taking that leap, I guess. Agreeing to jump in again… agreeing to make ourselves vulnerable to all that one more time… agreeing to the uncertainty.

I so love what little certainty I find in my life these days.

Did you struggle with this when it came time to decide if you wanted to add one more child to your family? I don’t recall being this apprehensive last time.

  • Miranda (Not Super...Just Mom) - I realize that for me it was going from one to two, but I was terrified to the point that I’d decided that one was enough and I was okay with that. And then a bottle of sauvignon blanc happened and SURPRISE!

    I want a third, as hard as the transition from one to two has been. I know that. My husband? Thinks I’m insane. But in my heart, I see a third baby. Probably because I’m insane.ReplyCancel

  • Laura B - This is a question I struggle with not for having a healthy baby, but for going through another pregnancy and the hard work raising another baby. But my youngest is 7.5 months so I have lots of time to sort it out.

    I think you may have your perspective backwards. Instead of thinking your third may welcome issues, why not think that you’ve already had two healthy babies, so why _wouldn’t_ your third be equally as healthy? Also, why deprive the world of another one of your cute, chubby babies? ;)ReplyCancel

  • Allie @ The Practically Green Mom - We only have one boy (14 months), and I know our family is not complete. But I keep going back and forth on when we should try for #2.

    Things are getting easier with #1, DH is loving having a little boy instead of a baby…and I don’t want to rock the boat. lol

    I’m just afraid if we wait too long, we’ll end up being a “one and done” family, and I’ll always regret not giving my son a brother or sister…

    (And then there’s all that other “grown-up stuff” that goes along with adding another child…money, bigger house…blerg! lol)ReplyCancel

  • Jenn - Well nothing is ever certain right?? If you heart says 3 then so be it! We all know how things can change in an instant and we cannot plan our lives around the what if’s. Go with your gut.ReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth Flora Ross - They whole tempting fate thing is why I only have one child. So I totally get that. I was 40 when she was born, and we felt so lucky to have a healthy baby (and for the most part a normal pregnancy, though there were some issues). We talked about having another a lot, very soon after she was born. B/c at my age, time is not on your side. I felt a strong urge to have another baby, but in the end we felt there were too many risks. And I’ll be honest, having a baby later in life is not easy. There are some mental/emotional advantages, I think, but not physical ones. And at the end of the day, I’m happy with our family the way it is.

    It’s a big decision, and never one to be taken lightly. Only you and your husband can decide what’s right for your family. I think your concerns are perfectly normal, if that’s what you’re wondering about. And valid. And rational. I also think we can get too caught up in all the things that *could* go wrong sometimes. At my age, the risks were real, especially for things like Down’s Syndrome. They are scientific facts. At your age, I don’t know what the numbers say. But educating yourself about them, and weighing the risks versus what is in your heart, you will find your answer. The one that is right for you. (I’m being really profound and helpful here, aren’t I?. LOL)

    I’ll be thinking of you!ReplyCancel

  • Suzanne @bebehblog - It’s like you’re IN MY BRAIN. My pregnancy with Evan was so easy I barely even blinked when I got pregnant right before his 1st birthday. But Caroline’s was rough, and I don’t know how I could handle that again with TWO toddlers to chase. Some days I think “Oh yes, this family feels totally complete just how it is!” and other days I imagine a giant hole where my next baby(s) belong. I’d like to say I’ll just go off birth control and see what happens, but with my husband’s crazy work schedule I’d be MUCH better off with a little planning to make sure he can be home (or at least in the same state!) when baby #3 shows up. Ahhhhhh why can’t this be an easier decision?!ReplyCancel

  • Katie - Our first 2 children were 23 months apart (planned). Didn’t “plan” on anymore, but when #2 was 2,5 years old, we went on a romantic couples weekend for Valentine’s day. Much alcohol was consumed, details are blurry. Exactly nine months later, we were blessed (surprise!) with #3. #2 and #3 child were actually closer growing up even though the age spread was bigger between them. Don’t rush into #3 just for the sake of even spacing if your not feeling ready. You’ll know it when you are. Besides, this way, #2 gets a little more time as the “baby” before being forever lost as the “middle child”. The older the first 2 are, the more they can help too!ReplyCancel

  • Jen - I am definitely struggling with this concept as well. I go through portions of each day thinking it would be heaven to have one more, and the rest of the day I am panicked with the idea of adding more. (We have two healthy, happy boys.) For me, thinking about our family in the future is what makes me want more. A family of five vs. a family of four, well five seems more me. But I am still afraid. I wish you many blessings as you make your decision. Just remember, no matter what you decide, it will be the “right” decision for you ad your family.

    Thanks for your blog… it is a highlight in my crazy days!ReplyCancel

  • Courtney - I’m 38 and pregnant with our second daughter (we have a 2 year old). My husband says that now means we have to try for a third, in hopes of a boy, but I’m getting too old. We tried for many years to get pregnant. After successful IUI, had miscarriage after 8 weeks. Then several months later we got pregnant on our own with our beautiful daughter. Her birth was somewhat difficult and she had to spend a couple days in NICU, but she’s practically perfect in every way. After we decided we were ready for baby #2, we got pregnant surprisingly fast, but had a miscarriage after one week. But the next month we were blessed and now I’m 5 months along and so far so good. If I was younger, 3 kids would be fine (but no more than 3 – my rule is we all have to be able to fit in one car). So despite all the set backs and bumps (no pun intended) in the road, my only issue is that I’m not that young anymore. I realize that there are lots of women who are pregnant at 40, but just the thought wears me out…ReplyCancel

  • Amanda D. - I usually comment on FB but it shares it with everyone I know. We have 2 boys, and in between them, we had 2 miscarriages. I took the losses very hard, and so my 2nd was bitteresweet in some ways. My husband wants/wanted more,but I was done at 2. Now, I’m 10 weeks pregnant! I do still feel like we’re tempting fate. Besides the fact that our boys are hyper and BOYS, they’re perfect, and I have a fear of something going wrong or something being wrong all the time. I think it’s natural, especially in the blogging world where it seems like problems can be common.

    I however will tell you that being in somewhat being in the same boat (me not wanting more, husband wanting more) that I’m now very excited, and can fully envision having 3, and only panicking about it occasionally ;) my boys are 28 months apart, and this little one will be 31 months from my 2nd, so they’re somewhat close in ages apart. I honestly suggest that if you’re on the fence, just cross it. Most hesitation I had disappeared after the initial shock, and now I can’t wait to have another little one to snuggle with.ReplyCancel

  • Abbey - Family planning is tricky that way. It’s a battle between our heart and our head. Spacing them out properly, money, size of the house/cars, can all become so important that we loose sight of the point of having a kid in the first place. Then sometimes we over look those important factors and dive in, only to find a rather stressful “happy” family. Do what you feel like you are ready for. I feel like there will always be twinges of regret either way you slice it. My second was born 6.5 years after the first and there are pros and cons to it. My third was born 18 months after the second….there are equally as many pros and cons! There are still days I want MORE babies, and my husband thinks I am insane. You just have to do what you feel in your gut you can handle. If your hubby is down with waiting until you are ready, by all means enjoy the beautiful ones you’ve got! You’ll know when you get “baby rabies” again:)ReplyCancel

  • jessi - If I wasn’t in the midst of hurricane anxiety and able to collect my thoughts better, I’d write an insightful and helpful response to your question. Instead, this will probably be all over the place. Whether it’s your first baby or your tenth, you are always tempting fate to some degree. I really don’t think that should be a factor for you. But I relate to the apprehension and uncertainty about going for #3. We were in your exact position with a boy and girl and healthy, uneventful pregnancies. I remember having unexpected feelings I hadn’t when deciding about #1 and #2. You are well aware of what pregnancy, delivery, and life with a newborn will entail, and it’s natural to hesitate about going down that road again when you have other kids and obligations to factor in this time. I actually wasn’t very excited about beginning TTC, and while I was happy when I got the positive test, there was also a lot of “oh boy, here we go again” mixed in. Now that my LO has been here for a few months, of course I can’t imagine life without her, just like you said. I always had pictured a family of five as well.

    And FWIW, my third pregnancy and delivery were the most stressfree and positive experiences of all of them. And I’m such a better mother to her than I was to my first and second. She benefits from my perspective and confidence and experience. While I am more frazzled and tired and pulled in more directions than ever before, I somehow feel the most at peace and centered. If I had known it’d be like that, I wouldn’t have been so concerned about having a third. And another FWIW, mine are all spaced just over two years apart, and it has worked out well. #1 and #2 are totally bonded BFFs, and if I’d waited longer to have #3, I wonder if she would have eventually felt like kind of a third wheel and like there was greater distance between her and her siblings, especially once they get into school. I like to think she’ll be able to be added to their little two-person clique once she can keep up with them better.

    Okay, that was rambly. But I appreciate the five-minute distraction from my cabin feverish children :)ReplyCancel

  • Lauren - We are currently TCC # 3. I just had an early loss and next month we are back to trying. I did go back and forth for a while but it was more about when rather than if it would happen. This is the best time for us. I think about the challenges but everyone has told me 1 to 2 was harder than 2 to 3.ReplyCancel

  • Mindy - We’ve always thought about having 4, but I thought i might be done at 2. Then I had that feeling and I knew I was ready for 3 and he’s been wonderful. Will we have 4? Who knows. This is the time I got pregnant again with 2 and 3, but we’re not there yet. I’m not going to stress over it and neither should you.ReplyCancel

  • Haley - Miscarriages and even uterine cancer seem to run in my family. Somehow, I have three healthy, beautiful children. I’ve never had to endure a miscarriage or go through things that other women in my family have. I’ve definitely been scared every time I got pregnant… but still, I want another. I definitely think it’s a risk I’m willing to take. Not to mention the transition to three was much easier than two. At this point it’s more like ‘what difference is one more gonna make?!’ lol Anywho, when you’re ready you’ll know and you’ll be willing to take the risk. If you’re not, then you’re not ready. :)ReplyCancel

  • Tara - We experienced very similar feelings when we began to toy with the idea of #3. And I still think about it (some) and I’m currently 6 months pregnant with him. We even went so far as to have the first trimester screening this time and that was a HUGE mistake for several reasons. But mostly because we ended up with a false positive (thank the Good Lord) but it gave me so much anxiety and I felt like it validated all of my reservations about having a 3rd.

    All I can say is that if you feel ready, go for it! If not, maybe you should wait another couple of months and see if you don’t feel that pull a little more strongly after Leyna’s 2nd birthday.ReplyCancel

  • Jill - Man people asking me right now would set me off, but I’ve been asked because I gained 2 lbs and looked fat. Awesome, right? However, we had an oops this summer that lasted 10 weeks 5 days and we found out there was no heartbeat (anymore). The ‘products of conception’ that the nurse keeps saying haven’t passed are haunting me. We can’t try again until it’s all clear, but to undergo surgery AGAIN this time to NOT have a baby, and not for any ‘medical’ reason really sucks. So I’m holding off, but had originally wanted to have a pregnancy this fall, so yeah, it BLOWS. I do worry that it would be harder a 3rd time, that we’d be pushing fate to have a healthy one, and obviously some of that is well founded, given what I’m going through now, but I say if you want one, have one. It’s not really anyone else’s business but yours. (I do understand why/what you posted, btw as I can relate, we have 2 gorgeous kids, why tempt fate, right?)ReplyCancel

  • K. Robin - Having lost my first baby at 36 weeks, there is no reason you’re tempting fate with #3 any more than you have before. I’m now holding my perfectly healthy #2, so it all happens however it is going to happen. As a previous poster said, the only attitude I can suggest is to think why *wouldn’t* you have a healthy #3? Things happen, but most of the time, those things are wonderful.ReplyCancel

  • Jen S. - We always knew we wanted 3 going into our marriage together, too. And it’s SO entirely true that with each pregnancy, I was scared more about pushing fate with the health of my baby. My second pregnancy had those brain cysts on the 18 month ultrasound (which are totally normal and will soon not even be needed to be disclosed b/c of how developmentally normal it is), so when it came time for #3, I didn’t hesitate to try to get pregnant, BUT, I was a nervous wreck and kept asking myself if I was pushing fate, too. And, yes, 3 is definitely harder than 2-there is no doubt about that, but, like with 2, you work our daily schedule out and you figure it out. We knew that no matter how crazy life was while they are young, that years down the road, there will always be children in our house for holidays and dinners and weekends and girls coming home from college. I just could never see anything but a family of 5 in our house. Mentally, I don’t think I could have another. But I could not be any happier with our decision to have a 3rd. I savor every last detail of my youngest and I probably appreciate her age changes and discoveries the most. I love our family of 5. I say GO FOR IT when you’re ready. :) It might be easier if you space them out a bit. My girls are 20 months and 19 months apart and I almost feel like a little more space would have made it easier. But those feelings of tempting fate are normal and I felt them, too. It all worked out. :)ReplyCancel

  • Kristin - I don’t remember being “ready” to try for another baby. We just talked about it one day and bam, took a test and it the plus sign was glaring at me. My first pregnancy was horrible, morning sickness, emergency csection, Matthias was sick and in the NICU for a week. He’s healthy now, but I lost the whole “normal pregnancy, birth, and bringing baby home.” I thought the second would be different. I felt great until week 7. I was SOOOO tired, but I thought it was because I had a toddler to run around after now. I started wearing my maternity pants at 6 weeks. I had anxiety attacks at night, insomnia, and heart burn. Turns out, there were two in there. Yes, twins. I had a pretty good pregnancy, except for the rare pregnancy complication, and Marek was born with a heart defect, a jaw defect, and a craniofacial defect. I still want one more baby, even with Marek’s complications, the twins are just such good babies. My husband is a little leery, because I do turn into something from the exorcist (I think now I should really talk to someone about anxiety, or PPD) and doesn’t want to live through it again. So we’ll see. But, right now we do have three boys three and under so our house is never quiet (I love it) and I don’t think I could chase after all three with how sick I get, especially now that I stay at home with them. I’m not ready now, but I hope my hubby will be when I finally am. What’s the rush anyways, right? :)ReplyCancel

  • Leanne {Life Happens When} - We are in that exact same place!! We have to healthy babies, but I just feel in my heart that our family is not complete.ReplyCancel

  • Tiffany - I’m a mommy of 4 beautiful healthy little girls but I want a little boy so bad! I will definitely be tempting fate so I can have that sweet little boy!ReplyCancel

  • Denae @ New Mom Adventure - Crazy me is pregnant with #2 and already wanting #3 – my husband is scared to death of three. Even with wanting 3, I am not ready for #3 yet. I figure when I am at that point that all infants look adorable and I forgot the sleepless nights, etc <- that is when I am ready. I would give yourself breathing room. Dont rush it. Set a future date, like 6 mths from now, and tell yourself no pressure we will reassess timing then. If you hit Baby Rabies before then, get to baby making. ;)ReplyCancel

  • Myndee - I felt the same way. I was worried about things not going well with the 3rd pregnancy or delivery, but everything was perfect…in fact, my last labor was painless (literally!). Of course, we were done at two and the third came despite my IUD, so….

    Good luck whatever/whenever you decide! :)ReplyCancel

    • Melinda, - I had no idea you had an IUD baby too! :)

      My health couldn’t take anymore than the 2 we have–technically anymore than the first–so it’s kind of been a decision made for us. I would feel extremely irresponsible getting pregnant again. Sometimes I long for the bump, and to feel those kicks again, but I know we’re content where we are.

      Good luck Jill!ReplyCancel

  • Desiree - I am on my second pregnancy right now. My daughter will be 5 1/2 when this one is born and heading into kindergarten shortly after. I never imagined myself with more than two kids. Actually, if I’m being honest with myself, I never imaged myself with more than one child but my husband and I decided we wanted to try again. But, thinking about how large the age gap is going to be between my two make me want to have one more a year or so after this one. I’m not sure if it is just the pregnancy hormones speaking or not … I guess I’ll have to revaluate after number two is born.ReplyCancel

  • Corinne Reese - Hell if I know, but I’m getting my IUD out next week….. planning to then use other precautions til february-ish. But honestly, I’m not sure! I am getting skinny. Finally. So selfish, I know, but am I ready to give that up?! Already? There is no reason we can’t wait. But… I just feel like it’s almost time. Whether I am crazy or not, probably yes, but hey, why not!

    Do it. Our kids will all three be the same age, and I can e-crush you more than ever!ReplyCancel

  • Kelli @ I'm Flying South - My Mom has always told me that I’ll know when I’m done having kids. It’ll just feel like the right time to stop. There won’t be any doubt, I’ll just feel done. It took my Mom 5 years after her 2nd to realize she wanted a 3rd. And it took my MIL 5 years after her 2nd to realize she was done. And over the 6 years that I was a Labor & Delivery nurse, I heard the same thing from patients … you just know.

    My hubby and I planned on 3 kids. Well, he wanted 2, but I wanted 3 and he agreed that we’d discuss it after our 2nd. Then when we tried for our 2nd … SUPRISE! TWINS! So we thought I’d be all “oh yay now we have 3 and we’re done and I only had to be preggo twice!” Except that now that my twins are 14 months old I’m kinda like “uh, maybe I’m not done” and my husband wants to stab me in the babymaker because we have a just-turned-3-year-old boy and 14 month old twin boys. And life is chaos. But I’m not saying I definitely want more. And I sure as hell don’t want any more right now. I’m just saying that I’m not sure yet. And that’s OK! I firmly believe that when it’s time to decide, either way, you’ll know. :)ReplyCancel

  • Sofya @ The Girls' Guide to Guns and Butter - Hi Jill – I recently had my third child (she is now 10 months), and I also have a six and a three-year-old. I quite honestly found three to be easier than two – in part because of my accumulated/increased experience, and in part because they all entertain each other. Also, instead of a pair – with their pair dynamic – you will suddenly (well, a few years after the baby’s birth) have a community, and that’s especially fun for everybody. And I get it about having a vision – I certainly share that – I personally hope for another two or three. Of course this is all just from the standpoint of size – only you can weigh the physical implications and decide.ReplyCancel

  • Jacklyn - I have one word: TWINS.ReplyCancel

  • Upstatemamma - I think it would surprise me to find out that most people DON’T question these things. My husband does more then me but I still do. Both of my pregnancies have been less as opposed to more planned. But, of course, the two adoptions were very planned. We are always asked when my husband is getting “fixed.” What a crude way of putting it. Being Catholic we won’t and I am glad to never truly have to make the decision to be done. I can let well enough alone and not feel compelled to decide. That’s just me, of course. I just like it this way. :)ReplyCancel

  • Beatriz Derpina - Technically you tempted fate by having any children at all. Adding a 3rd, 4th, 5th etc you won’t be tempting it more than the first time around.ReplyCancel

  • Erin Sherry - We are currently debating, but I don’t feel “ready” as well, even though my other 2 are 18 months apart, and we would be well past that now. All the What Ifs swirl through my brain, but I see us as a larger family when I think about our family in the future. (All happy and loving one another in that image as well haha).ReplyCancel

  • Erica Burke - We have two and want more but there is a much larger gap between our youngest and when the next will arrive. (My youngest is now 3) I think that what is making me wait longer is that I know how hard it is transitioning to more kids now. Whereas when I just had one, I thought that “Oh, one more isn’t really that much more trouble”.ReplyCancel

  • Marissa Coleman - Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have lives at all :) Do it!ReplyCancel

  • Kari Hesselbach Chambers - I felt the same way, Jill. I took each prenatal test one at a time, and despite coming 4 days earlier than the planned c/s, all went well. I cannot imagine our lives without Claire!ReplyCancel

  • Samantha Creach - That is exactly how I felt adding a third. Bit truthfully if it were up to e alone, I would have a fourth and maybe even a fifth. I guess I love to gamble….ReplyCancel

  • Courtney McHugh Lyons - That was my husband’s biggest fear, too – that we’d be tempting fate because we already have 2 healthy kids. We are pregnant with our third (so far, so good) & number 2 & 3 are spaced farther apart (over 4 years) than 1 & 2 are (23 mos), and farther than I thought they would be a few years ago, but we really weren’t ready until recently, so take your time!ReplyCancel

  • Anastasia @ eco-babyz - I’m in a similar place. we have a girl and boy 3 years apart, Always wanted 3 kids. The little one is one, so I ‘have one more year’ until I would technically want to be pregnant to space them apart. Still thinking…ReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - so glad to know that I’m not the only one who struggles with this, especially now that I’m 37. I’m so grateful for my healthy child.ReplyCancel

  • Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy - Since Noah and Leyna are only a few weeks apart I wish I were just now contemplating this. However, I have this sweet lump of sugar asleep in my arms that, as you said, I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to imagine life without. That being said I’m kind of happy I was surprised with this last pregnancy. It would have been hard to take that leap.ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - There was never a question about #2 for us. We only agreed upon two kids. We still, if you ask us, are ‘done’. After what we went through with Denver, it makes sense to be ‘done’. I have miserable pregnancies. He’s 40 and I’m 36. It all makes sense. BUT, neither one of us can commit to permanent birth control on either end. It just feels wrong. What IF?ReplyCancel

  • Leyna - Try not torture yourself with the “tempting fate” thing. We’ve been down that road mentally and, well, you just never know. As my husband (who was widowed at a very young age) and I have discussed, you never know what can happen in life–with your children (healthy and otherwise), with your spouse, with yourself. You can’t live your life trying to avoid the “what-ifs” because you’ll deprive yourself of all the most wonderful experiences life has to offer.

    That said, there is a LOT to be said for waiting until you feel really, truly ready (and if you’re mulling the “tempting fate” thing, you’re probably not ready). We were NOT ready for a #3 when #2 was turning two for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which was that #2 had had a very bumpy ride health-wise and we were just…exhausted…spent..not ready. Shortly after his 3rd birthday, though, it just seemed right. I was ready, my husband was ready, #1 and #2 were doing really well. #3 will arrive shortly after #2’s fourth birthday and though it’s kind of a bummer thinking of #3 not bonding as well with his siblings because of the age difference, I remind myself that our family’s readiness was the most important consideration and I’m at peace (after all, even siblings 18 months apart can wind up not liking each other at all, right?).

    I hear the change in family dynamic between 1 & 2 kids and 2&3 kids is VERY different. What do they say? You switch from man-to-man to zone defense or some other obscure sports reference… I’m happy that each of my kids will have had the experience of some alone/one-on-one time because of the age spread, that I will have had a nice breather (can you call the craziness of two kids are “breather”? I don’t know) before jumping into THREE kids…and I’m REALLY happy I’ll never have two in diapers at the same time :)ReplyCancel

  • Erin - This subject comes up and makes me sad sometimes, makes me feel a range of emotion. Mentions of tempting fate, lucky to have healthy babies, etc. only make me think of my blue-eyed beauty of a daughter. Vivian is 3 and we found out at birth she had serious heart defects- actually considered one of the most fatal type of defects (hlhs). My little girl is missing half her heart. It was one of those “this can’t be happening to us nightmares” that changed our lives forever. One paragraph could never summarize the extent of what we and she went through to have her with us today, but I am forever lucky and honored to be her mom. It wouldn’t have mattered what was wrong with her- she and her big and little brothers complete my life (she is our second of three kids born in three years- all 17 mos apart :) I never wanted to know an icu or the gut wrenching pain of going through life with a seriously sick child, and I never wanted to have my daughter know the pain and emotional struggle of life managing and treating her defects… but we, like other families who have gone through similar, do whatever we have to in order to give her and our sons the best and longest lives possible. Having a sick baby isn’t less of a baby.. we’re not a sadder family for having our girlie.. and if having a healthy baby is lucky, we sure don’t feel unlucky.. Given the choice, I would always chose having my Viv- no matter what. I know mothers whose babies never came home from the hospital and whenever I get sad or scared, I remind myself they’d give anything to have their kids alive and in need of the endless doctor visits and tests that we go to. No parent knows how many days we have with any of our children- it’s a certainty I’m well aware of and have to consider often. So we just embrace what we’re given, enjoy the day right now and take pleasure in discovering who our children are and how much we love them. Frankly, I have no idea how many years or days I am allowed to dream of having with my little girl, but the ones I’ve had have been worth everything. In my opinion, you just know when your family feels complete and whatever baby might be in the future will be a treasure no matter what :) follow your heart <3ReplyCancel

  • The Sadder But Wiser Girl - I always knew that I wanted more than one child, because as a dear friend of ours said “It’s the only children that are the most messed up!” He would know, he’s a child psychologist. I would like to have another, but common sense dictates that we stop at two. Not to mention that last year I was finally able to make the last payment on my daughter, as in I paid off the bill from her birth. Only took me three years! Nice to know they can’t come repossess her now. :-)

    I suppose wanting another is natural, since my son is seven and my daughter is four. Sigh…Maybe I just need a kitten. Or two.ReplyCancel

  • Stephanie Sprenger - You expressed exactly how I feel about the possibility of having a third. I too imagine us 10 years down the road, not next year when I would have a potty-training toddler, newborn, and sassy big sister. I also desire the pregnancy experience just one more time, and I didn’t spend my second daughter’s babyhood thinking it would be the last time. But both my daughters have been easy babies- what if we wind up in colic hell, that’s IF we’re lucky enough to have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby. But, all that being said, I’m pretty sure we’re going to go for it, and soon. I’m not getting any younger! ;-)ReplyCancel

  • Cheryl - I think your fears are very normal. I was the same way – we had two healthy baby boys and we always said we wanted at least three children. But a part of me was very scared that I was asking for too much…how could I possibly be so blessed to have a third healthy baby? My pregnancy the third time around was easy and – with the exception of him being breech and having to indure an inversion (OUCH!) at 38 weeks – it was uneventful. In the end, his birth was by far the easiest with less than two hours separating my arrival from the hospital with his arrival into the world. With that said, the adjustment process for me going from two children to three was hellish. Adding a second baby to the mix came very easily to me but adding the third completely rocked my world. It was always easy for me to go out with two kiddos – I could hold each of their hands and conquer the world but with the third I suddenly felt out of control and like I was being pulled in way too many directions. The baby just turned one and he makes me smile from ear to ear when I see his little face – that first year was so hard but certainly worth it!ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife - After Sophia was born, we were really on fence about having any more kids. I always thought I wanted a hockey team but then I realized just how much work (and high cost) kids are and we kind of felt like a perfect family…just the three of us but still we weren’t 100% sure. Surprise, surprise the decision for a second was made for us when I got pregnant immediately after this year’s BlogHer. Even though I didn’t plan and budget for this, I’m still thankful for the opportunity to go through pregnancy and bonding with another new life.

    I’m not sure we would have ever pulled the triggered for a second and I think we may have regretted that down the road. Trust your gut and your heart. Also don’t feel like you need to stick to your planned time table…if you need another year or two until you’re really ready take the time…you’ll be a better parent for everyone if you’re in the best place possible.ReplyCancel

  • Kortney - I wish I were in your shoes. I have miracle IVF twins that were delivered at almost 34 weeks after my water broke at 32 weeks and then I developed preeclampsia. They both spent time in the NICU, one for 3 weeks the other for 7 weeks. It tooks us four years to have them and nearly a year’s salary. We would both love to have at least one more child but we aren’t holding our breath that we will be able to. We are hoping for an accident/surprise or just a miracle. I say go for it if you’re thinking about it.ReplyCancel

  • Sarah [NurseLovesFarmer.com] - I know I will be where you are one day. Baby #2 is not even 2 weeks old yet…but I always knew I wanted at least 2 so that part was easy…as far as expanding our family more? Who knows!ReplyCancel

  • Jocelyn - Thank you for your words. I also deal with anxiety and am struggling with the same question you just posed. I have two healthy boys. Why do I want another? I feel like I am not complete yet I am scared to death to tempt fate one more time. What if I have a child with health problems who took away the attention from the other two? That scares me. I’m so happy with my two boys. I am now over “that” age and this one will be “high risk” and I’m scared. Leyna is the same age as my baby and has the same chubby features and he makes me so happy when I squeeze him. I was able to relax so much more with my second child. I’m not ready right now but I know I can’t put off this decision much longer. You aren’t alone.ReplyCancel

  • Jessica Terlau Yi - We felt the exact same way! Except it took me 4 years after our second to decide to do it…but alas, we have a beautiful healthy girl as our third. I can’t imagine what life would be like without her. I feel about having a fourth how you do about having a third. Truthfully though, I just don’t think I can do all of it again and start over…but if you are already imagining it, then you are almost there!ReplyCancel

  • Janine (Alternative Housewife) - We feel like having another baby is tempting fate just because Sebastian (who just turned 2) is finally getting really independent. He is still nursing (and showing no signs of stopping) but he will play alone in his room, or play and watch Elmo while I nap on the couch. He no longer requires completely constant attention. So why would we have another baby NOW? Haha. But we’ll always feel that way, right?

    I don’t think much about tempting fate for health reasons, otherwise I would just be a ball of stress all the time. I figure that having one healthy baby increases the odds that my next will be – My body knows what it’s doing.ReplyCancel

  • Lisa - I think the reasons to question 3 are different, or at least they would be for me. With 3, you are outnumbered. It gets so much harder to have one-on-one time with each child, which is so important.

    There are the health issues, including what pregnancy did to me and my health, mental & physical.

    I would also have to take a hard look at my support system. My husbands job has become more demanding over the past year, and it is so draining on us both. Virtually everything in the household falls on me because he works so much. I look at my SIL with 3 and a husband that travels a lot. She has friends nearby, but family is an hour away, not easy to swing by for a little break.ReplyCancel

  • meghan - yes, i did struggle with the decision. i also have two children, 4 and 2 years old. i did not feel like our family was complete, but was not ready to make the leap either. lo and behold, about 3 weeks ago, i found out we are unexpectedly, expecting our third! i have wondered if i had to consciously make the decision, what would have happened…would i have chickened out or took the leap.ReplyCancel

  • Brenna - I feel the same way! I’ve always wanted 4, my husband says 2, so we’ve compromised at 3. We have a 4 year old and 10 month old. I too feel like I’m tempting fate by wanting another. I didn’t think about this at all when considering a second, maybe b/c I’m the one pushing for a third. I just know that I’m not “done” yet.ReplyCancel

  • Johanna - I don’t get more than one child being an only myself. My husband is the younger brother so he wants another. I warm to the idea, and then freak out. I’m just not sure if I can go through what we did to have our daughter again. I mean, I know she’s worth it, but I’m just not there. I’ve given myself a deadline. If we don’t successfully get and stay pregnant by the time she’s three, we are done. We have not started trying yet, but the set parameters help us both. Good luck whatever you decide.ReplyCancel

  • BDough - I don’t know if anyone already said this or not, so please pardon if they did.

    In my opinion, just WANTING or having previously agreed on having a certain number of kids is the last consideration you should be making. I’m a regular reader of your blog and your struggles with anxiety and your daily routine with your kids. It’d be a good thing to do to stop and take account of your personal mental, emotional, and physical health before launching into having another baby just to fulfill something else. Are you going to be able to meet the expectations of having three children in a way that will make YOU feel good about being a mother? What affect is adding another child to the house going to have on YOU?

    Being able to physically have a child that is born healthy is an important consideration. But adding another member to the family is a huge decision that has a lot to do with other things too. I hope you don’t take these comments the wrong way…just my 2 cents. Feel free to ignore me. :)ReplyCancel

  • molly - I am right where you are, friend. I was certain we would have another child after Landon so when I got pregnant again we were okay with it (even though it was a HUGE surprise)! But now, I am in mental hell trying to decide if we will have a third baby. The truth is, I’m turning 34 in a little over a month. Brigham is 2 1/2 now. If we’re going to do this – NOW would be the time. But I just started a new job and there are thing after thing after thing that I think about that would not make it ideal.

    On one hand, right now, things are great. My boys are happy and healthy and we all get a full night’s sleep. Naaman asked me the other night, “Do you really want to rock the boat?” It’s such a good question. Do I?

    But on the other hand, oh the longing for another. I gasped when I see a new baby and smile ear to ear. I almost cry when I see another mother snuggling their infant. It is so difficult to decide.

    There is also the complicated matter of my medications. They are not safe for pregnancy and I would have to go off of them before I get pregnant. So there is a risk involved for me. A big risk. I could sabotage my mental health to get another baby.

    Oh, if only someone else could decide for me. I am truly at a crossroads.ReplyCancel

  • Emily T. - We have 2 little girls ages 4.5 and 3. I thought by now we would have a 3rd. Neither of them were planned, we weren’t necessarily trying, but we weren’t NOT trying. So after our 2nd was born and I had 2 under the age of 2, I immediately went on birth control. Then after our “baby” turned 2, I was ready to start thinking about a 3rd. The older she got, the more I yearned for another baby. So one day we officially started trying. I was so excited, but at our 12 week appt we found out we lost the baby. Now I’m having an extremely difficult time on whether or not I want to try again. Now my “baby” is 3, and even if I was pregnant today they would be almost 4 years apart, as opposed to the first 2 being 18 months apart. It’s a constant battle everyday on whether or not I could handle the emotional roller coaster of pregnancy and the possibility of losing another baby again!ReplyCancel

  • purplemum - I have three aged 5,3, and 17 months. Honestly I felt the same way. I had two easy conceptions and births then a chemical (like you no biggie) and got pregnant with my third. I felt sure it was my turn for problems, I couldn’t possibly be lucky enough to have three so easily. However I did and my family is now complete. Good luck with your decision.ReplyCancel

  • Courtney Dawkins - We felt the exact same way whenhaving our 3rd. He actually eneded up being my easiest pregnancy despite not feeling energetic (but with 2 boys what can you do).ReplyCancel

  • Samantha @ 24 to 30 - I have two teens and a toddler and I feel the same way. I don’t feel like our family is complete and I don’t want our little guy to grow up alone, but I don’t know if we can stay sane if we add any more. We are on the go with the teens all the time and it’s easy to take one toddler along, but I’m not sure about two. Big decision but they say you’ll never regret having more, you might regret it if you don’t. I am on the fence 50/50.ReplyCancel

    • Arnebya - I couldn’t have said this any better. This sums up our situation nearly perfectly.ReplyCancel

  • Tricia - Yes, I felt this way, but not until deciding on the fourth. We chose to stop at three and love our family of five! And i had all three in three years. Go for it.ReplyCancel

  • Arnebya - We have three, always said we’d have four. Now they’re 11, 9, and 3 and for ME, now is an optimal time to have #4. My husband is no longer interested in #4. It’s part age, part finances, part space, part NO MORE DAYCARE FEES, but I feel like I will always live with the desire for another and that’s an extremely unsettling thought. How does one get past it? How do you decide that we’re good with 3 (or, in my case, that I will respect my husband’s very sound reasoning and simply let it be?) We have three healthy children and in some ways I can’t imagine adding another because it’s hard enough finding individual time for any of them or dealing with all three at once, but my VISION, this family scene I’ve held so long in my head is simply of six of us.

    Best of luck deciding (or letting something guide you). But I say if you aren’t there yet, give it some more time. Nothing wrong with them being spaced out differently than you originally wanted/thought they’d be. I always wanted mine less than 3 years apart and I do regret that there’s such a huge gap between them, but it’s working for us too. Follow your heart. And your body, hell, maybe your boobs want a bit of a break (and I’m giggling now).ReplyCancel

  • Minnesota Mom - We didn’t in adding our third after our twins, even though I had a terrible pregnancy with them. I went on to have an equally horrendous pregnancy with our youngest and we were still open to a 4th (our agreed upon number) after he was born. Three months later our twins were both diagnosed with autism which throws a huge wrench into everything. We’ve had 2 years of that diagnosis under our belts and we are feeling better about adding another. Our only obstacle right now is knowing I will most likely have another difficult pregnancy. If we can get past that we will dive right back in.ReplyCancel

  • Susanne@babyhuddle - Yes, I struggled and I still am! My husband always wanted 2, I wanted 4- so we compromised on 3 and now that the 3rd is 8 months old, I know I am not done. We have struggled with the timing though. My eldest is 8 and her younger brother is almost 3. We never wanted a huge gap but the way things went (work, trying to conceive, life) meant that she was 5 before he was born. Unfortunately his birth did not go smoothly at all and the trauma of it really made us question having any more. Forunately my youngest was a complete surprise (and an elective section after 2 emergency sections, so a calm birth) and the small age gap is lovely. I am also not getting any younger so yes- I want more. I just need to convince my husband!
    xxReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - For me, the best part of “accidentally” getting pregnant with my second daughter was not having to make this decision. We always said we wanted four but I’m not ready to keep going just yet. When these first two are in school, I think we’ll probably just have two more back to back. ( our first two are 19 months apart so the next two will prob be similarly spaced)ReplyCancel

  • Kari - We have four kids, they are now ages 12-19. I think our 3rd and 4th babies were the easiest. By then, we were “experienced” and more laid back. They just fit right into our lives whereas our 1st, we fit ourselves into their lives…if that makes sense. I love having a “big” family – it’s often chaotic, noisy, and crazy but I love it. But, I know exactly what you mean about tempting fate. I always think about how blessed we are to have happy, healthy kids. Good luck to you!ReplyCancel

  • Rachel @ The House of Burks - I ponder this question every day and am largely in the same boat as you. I could be happy with the two I have now. My husband looks at me like I’m crazy when I mention a third, but we have often talked about how many kids we want and I always come back to three. I remind him that we were both perfectly happy with only one child, but now can’t imagine life without our second baby boy. Both of us come from two-child families (though my husband has three much older half sisters), and a three-child dynamic is something that we have never experienced. I also think about holidays and the amount of kids gathered around my table, and thinking about if one couldn’t be there then at least the other two would have a sibling or nieces or nephews around. Right now if my brother isn’t there for a holiday it’s just me. My parents are both part of large families, which makes holidays really fun, and I really want that kind of chaos for myself in the future. :)ReplyCancel

  • In Search Of Not-A-Minivan – The 2012 Honda Pilot Review - […] we’re considering maybe adding another baby to the chaos sometime soon-ish, which would make us a family of 5. We’re also coming up on 7 […]ReplyCancel

  • Shevaun Boatright - When I had my first two, I was young. 20 with my first, 23 with my 2nd. I knew intellectually that things could go wrong, but it hadn’t really penetrated, you know? Now that I’m pregnant for the 3rd time, I am worried in a way I never was before. And I had all of your same questions before we decided to try again, and it was hard. I postponed it for a loooong time. I’m just hoping for the best, and if you want another, you’ll know when you’re ready.ReplyCancel

  • Danielle - Go for it… You can be just as bat-shit crazy as I am! Sounds like a blast right?ReplyCancel

  • Sarah Corner - I struggled with the decision to have baby # three for about 6 months. Did I really want to disrupt the family routines we have in place? Wouldn’t it be chaos? But ultimately we decided if we didn’t at least try for #3 we would regret it forever. Here I sit, newly pregnant. A little nervous but very happy. :-)ReplyCancel

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