A Horror Story About Reptiles In Toilets

Last night, right before bed, I peed on a gecko. A gecko in my toilet. A gecko I only discovered AFTER I stood up to flush because, OF COURSE, I didn’t pee on it on purpose.

(So many strange “golden shower” jokes right now.)

And let me tell you, it was an odd moment when I stood over that toilet, reaching for the handle and trying to register what that… thing… was in the water. Even odder when I figured it out.

OH SHIT A LIZARD, A REPTILE, 4 INCHES FROM MY ASS. WHAT IF IT TRIED TO CRAWL OUT? OR UP? OR INTO SOMETHING?????? << That’s what I was thinking, all while screaming the most flipped out, girly version of “Ewwww!! EWEEWWWWEEWWW! EEEK! EWWeeewwwwwEewwwwwWWWWW!”

And you know what, friends? You can NOT see a gecko in the toilet right after you just peed- a gecko that did not appear to be there BEFORE you peed- and NOT suddenly feel a sensation in your lady parts similar to what you think peeing a gecko out would feel like.

You can grab your crotch now and squeal. I’ll wait. (Sooo… that line has totally different meaning when taken out of context.)

Yes, I made my husband flush it. I honestly did not give a second thought as to whether he was dead or alive. I mean, the view alone probably gave him a tiny gecko heart attack. But if that didn’t seal the deal? Uhm, I just covered him in urine.

I’m sort of feeling remorseful for that today… a little. But mostly I’m just totally wigged out and trying to burn the sensation from my mind of what it must feel like to pee  out a gecko.

And yes, rational me knows I didn’t actually pee the gecko out… or give birth to it… in a toilet… like I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant With a Gecko.

Irrational me just won’t shut up sometimes. Irrational me also makes rational me lift up the seat of the toilet, slam it back down and then flush BEFORE sitting down to pee… you know, just that one time that I HAD to pee because I’d been holding it all day out of fear.

 

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife - Before you flushed him did he give you a free rate quote for car insurance?ReplyCancel

  • Di - All the years of thinking I had a irrational fear of something in the toilet, turning on all the lights just to check and check again….I was finally getting over it at age 36. I’ll send you my shrinks bill 😉ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - Dying a million, tiny gecko deaths at this post.ReplyCancel

  • Christine - my first yr in FL a palmetto bug (aka flying roach) flew out of the toilet after I stood up. I’ve never been the same.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Noooooo!!! The flying, I think, is worse.ReplyCancel

    • Leyna - Holy moly! Did you need therapy after that?! When I was in first grade my friend told me she had a giant roach crawl on her butt while she was sitting on the potty. 25 years later, I STILL check the bowl and lift the lid.ReplyCancel

  • Carolyn - I had a bat dive bomb my head while I was in mid-pee on the toilet, once (only semi-related, I know, but it’s the best I could come up with!)ReplyCancel

  • Allison F - I had a slightly similar, although much creepier experience happen to me two weeks ago.I sat down, peed, as I’m standing up I see a, I kid you not, 4 inch long cockroach clinging onto the wall of the toilet in between the water and the seat. I screamed so loud I’m pretty sure our adjoining neighbors heard me. I flush him….or thought I did. Then my husband found him again hiding understand the lip inside the toilet. He finally knocked him into the water and he was gone once and for all. I now check inside/under all the toilets at our beach house before I use the bathroom. Gives me the heebie jeebies thinking about it again….blehhhhReplyCancel

  • Diana - I find terrific irony in the fact that when I read the post, an ad for Allstate car insurance was at the top of the page……I think I hear the faint cry of a trumpet playing taps……….ReplyCancel

  • Elizabeth - A girlfriend had a frog in the toilet situation occur in the school toilets in high school. She never went before flushing “to make sure” again!

    But she never related the story in an “I peed out a frog way” so yours is way funnier.
    But I totally get the irrational fear you have subsequently developed! You poor thing.ReplyCancel

    • Elizabeth - I should add. The frog jumped!ReplyCancel

  • Tara - I found a mouse in the toilet one morning when I was a kid. Luckily I saw it before I sat down, poor guy was treading water like a mofo. Turned me into a chronic toilet checker – always look before you sit!ReplyCancel

  • Jacklyn - ewww!!! I don’t think I’ll EVER pee in the dark again. Ever.ReplyCancel

  • Jenny - I was reading this thinking all sorts of, “See man…this THIS is why I don’t want to move to the burbs – weird animals and bugs and whatnot that come into your house. And your TOILET.” I was feeling good about city life! (I mean we have alligators in the sewers but WHATEVER)

    And then all the comments hit about cockroaches in toilets. Swell. Thanks everyone.ReplyCancel

  • Morgan (The818) - OMG, I’m laughing so hard I think I just peed out a gecko.ReplyCancel

  • Meghan - Um… I have to pee and the Palmetto bug comment has made me terrified to go. I think I will be a chronic toilet check from this point forward.

    Jill, I’ve been following you for years now, but you may just be the most traumatizing mommy-blogger out there. Between your postpartum stories and this… you made need a disclaimer. 😉ReplyCancel

    • Lisa - She is a magnet for this kind of stuff, isn’t she? She got hit with all the worst post-partum stuff I’ve never even heard of before. Jill, your life is a PSA. 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Regina W - We lived in the tropics while I was growing up and quickly learned to look in the toilet before sitting down. More than once, one of us got bopped in the bottom by a frog who didn’t like his hiding place so well any more. 😉ReplyCancel

  • Arnebya - I don’t like to go to bed with the heebie jeebies, thankyouverymuch. And now I’m going to bed itching and it’s not from the usual unshowered reason. I’ve always had that fear of something being in the toilet AFTER I’ve sat there a minute. We’ve got geckos/skinks running in the house and come on, it’s no better in here than it is outside! The best I’ve got to commisserate is waking up to some kind of flying bug ON MY PILLOW IN MY FACE.ReplyCancel

  • Tara - OMG. That’s some funny shit right there. It’s not often that I LOL…but I’m L-ingOL.ReplyCancel

  • Tiffany - I have to admit I’m surpriesd you dont already check lol I always check 1. To make sure nothings crawled in there. 2. Because I’m waiting for the day my daughters to put something in there that doesn’t belong!ReplyCancel

  • Kelster - I have always feared the lizard in the toilet after watching a news item where a huge million foot lizard crawled through the pipes and into someone’s toilet.
    You’re welcome.ReplyCancel

  • TheFeministBreeder - This is nothing more than an episode of “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant” except you Didn’t Know You Were Pregnant With a Gecko. Flushing that thing TOTALLY ruined your shot at your own reality show. 😉ReplyCancel

  • Cheryl - I became a toilet “checker” after I found a scorpion swimming in my toilet when I was 16. I will also admit to an irrational fear of crickets that stems from waking up to find one on my pillow in my college apartment.ReplyCancel

    • julie - that seriously just gave me a full body shiver. can’t even handle the thought of a scorpion. good thing i live in MN 🙂ReplyCancel

  • BusyMomofTwins - My only question…how did the gecko get there?ReplyCancel

    • Lynae - My mind is wondering as well how a gecko (or any other vermin for that matter) can come up through a septic system into a toilet bowl. Minnesota girl here – we don’t have stray geckos.ReplyCancel

  • Jill - Up next on Maury: Mommy Confessions: I gave birth to a gecko in the toilet.. How Geico changed my life..ReplyCancel

  • Erin T - Just peed a little laughing so hard…..and I woke up the baby.

    I was just getting over a story about someone getting bit in the butt by a rat in the toilet. Guess I’m back to checking before I sit!ReplyCancel

  • Alanna - I always check the toilet before sitting after finding a spider one time in high school. I have a ridiculous, irrational fear of things in the toilet.ReplyCancel

  • Heather - I started laughing the first line of this post and it just didn’t stop! I cannot even imagine! I’ve always been afraid of finding some living creature in the toilet, but a gecko has never even crossed my mind! A snake would send me over the top, eeeeewwww!ReplyCancel

  • Lindsey Philbrick - Thanks, I needed a good laugh this evening! I was laughing so hard I cried. Thankfully we do not live some place with wild lizards like that, but next time I visit one, I’m going to check for inhabitants before I pee.ReplyCancel

  • Tara (nerdgirlmom) - OMG all these years I’ve been busy looking UP for spiders on the ceiling! Now I’m going to be like a truck driver doing a 50 point safety inspection around the toilet before I sit down!ReplyCancel

  • Joanna - I may never be able to pee again.ReplyCancel

  • mom - Almost as soon as I read the tittle I had a “soundtrack flashback” to living in Hawaii and hearing Kelly scream “Yecho Yecho Yecho……..” simultaneously picturing Scott rescuing you.ReplyCancel

  • Lucy Ball - OMFG! That would do it for me too! You should probably steer clear of the pit pots in campgrounds then. God only knows what’s lurking in THERE! Eeeeeek!ReplyCancel

  • Lindsey - Be lucky you don’t have muskrats coming up your toilet. My gramma, who is 85, lives alone, was talking about how one night she heard her toilet lid moving and there was a muskrat trying to climb out so she put her foot on the lid and flushed it, and it worked!! Muskrats are so nasty, they have big claws, teeth, people around here will be walking and they will chase you/bite you. This is in North Dakota, btw.ReplyCancel

  • My Life As Lucille - omfg! This is hilarious!ReplyCancel

  • Haley - OHHHH MY GAWSH. I needed that laugh SO bad…. & believe me, I laughed a lot. Thank you!ReplyCancel

  • Cortney Gibson - I die. Thanks for the moment!ReplyCancel

  • Leyna - Seriously–you ladies and all your horror stories! My annoying pregnancy-pee-4-times-per-night routine is, starting tonight, about to turn into a major lack of sleep as I turn on all the lights and do the 50 point safety inspection each and every day. Good gawd. I think I’m seriously considering Depends now.ReplyCancel

  • Zakary - Once at the river I went to use the super classy river bathroom (basically a port a potty, but made out of cement) and there was a raccoon in the bottom of it peering up at me with his beady little eyes.

    A gecko that close to your lady bits is way worse.ReplyCancel

  • But Seriously, WHY Are There Geckos In My Toilet? | Baby Rabies - […] The first time it happened, I was like, “OMG! That is so crazy! What a freak incident to pee on a gecko! I hope that NEVER happens again.” […]ReplyCancel

  • Tiffany Eaton - bahahahaaaaa! I <3 you Baby Rabies!ReplyCancel

  • Beth Laf - insert awkward geico reference?ReplyCancel

  • Yolène (Crème de Citron) - I can’t stop giggling!!! (if I was laughing, it would some kind of French ‘honhonhon’) This is a very funny story!!
    I do love a good laugh (and it reminds me checking the toilets a hundred times for spiders when I lived in Australia).ReplyCancel

  • Ben Brown - Maybe he was trying to pursuade you to change insurance companies…lolReplyCancel

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