Thou Shalt Not Write About Letting Babies Cry
Oh yeah, I’m going there.
You know, for as much as I like to tell readers that I’m honest about the good and the bad, there is one subject on this blog I just avoid as much as blogging about religion- SLEEP TRAINING.
It’s time to cut the crap and drop this veil of secrecy that forces me to direct message and privately respond to questions about letting my baby cry herself to sleep. F all of this.
My one year old? She cries. Sometimes for long stretches. Sometimes while I lay in my bed, wide awake, fully aware that she is pissed as all hell that I am not there to pick her up and play peek-a-boo at 3 in the morning.
And I’M OKAY WITH THAT.
You don’t have to be okay with that, but you shouldn’t really care about that because, you know, I’m not making you make your baby cry herself to sleep. Just mine.
Oh, some of you may be disgusted by this admission. There are studies, I’m sure, that you will link me to. You may think I’m a bad example of a mommy blogger for encouraging such a parenting technique.
I’ve never claimed to be the perfect example, but I’ve always prided myself on my transparency… and this is something I should just quit trying to dance around.
I’m not writing about this to say what I’m doing is “right,” but please don’t view this as a plea for help, and for the love of GAWD no book recommendations. I’m barely getting enough sleep to operate a moving vehicle these days. Unless you’re going to volunteer to come over here and re-enact the book with puppets and flash cards in short, attention-grabbing bursts, I just don’t have the time or the energy. (And I read plenty of books when Kendall went through all of this 3 years ago.)
Letting her cry was not our first choice. It’s not like I enjoy it. We’ve tried “gentle” techniques, but everything “gentle” just pisses her off more. It’s come to the point where it feels like the most fair compromise is one that equals her being pissed for a shorter time period (which is totally what happens when she’s left to cry on her own versus us hanging out, patting her back, but refusing to feed her) and lets me get 4 or more consecutive hours of sleep.
I’m trying not to go into defensive mode here because I don’t feel like I need to defend this choice. I’ll just add that she’s a YEAR old, not a week old. She does NOT need to eat every 3 hours anymore. She does not have an ear infection or any other ailment. She just needs to figure out how to sleep… and no, we’re not co-sleeping. It’s not an option for us. No, we don’t just leave her in there to cry all night, but it’s more of a judgement call thing than a every-5-minutes thing.
What it’s really boiled down to is that my children need and DESERVE a functioning mother during the day. I can NOT function without sleep. In fact, I’m confident the lack of sleep the last year has been a huge contributing factor to my postpartum anxiety, and the days following a few measly hours of sleep are awful, even with medication and a gallon of coffee.
Honestly, I don’t think babies need to be soothed every time they cry. Sure, when they are younger than 6 months, or they’re sick or hungry, yes, they should be tended to quickly. But, sometimes they’re just annoyed or pissed, and that’s okay. They can feel that way. Those are emotions they can navigate on their own sometimes.
That’s MY philosophy, one that I’m comfortable with, knowing what I know, and having been through this parenting thing more than once now.
It doesn’t have to be your philosophy, but please don’t equate me letting my 26 lb one year old cry and throw tantrums in her bed at 3 in the morning because I won’t feed her magic-sleepy-milk for the 2nd time in 3 hours to child abuse.
And for those of you in a similar situation, the only advice I can give is to go with your gut. Sure, read books if you have the time, but mainly, read your baby’s cues and what feels right to you.
I truly feel that most parents are trying really hard not to screw up their kids, and I’m sure very few take the decision to let their baby cry in the middle of the night lightly. So can we please stop demonizing educated parents who feel like this is their only option?
Edited to add-
People, people, PLEASE understand the difference between me letting my ONE YEAR OLD cry for UP TO 10-15 minutes at a time and letting a newborn scream for 8 hours, hyperventilate, choke on their vomit, kill their brain cells, etc.
I thought I made it clear when I clarified twice that she’s A YEAR OLD, that I think any baby under 6 months should be tended to quickly, or any baby who is sick. I didn’t think I’d have to spell. that. all. out. But I guess I do because so many are assuming I’m advocating locking a baby of any age in a dark room to scream incessantly, regardless of circumstance.
So, let’s all be clear that that is not my stance.
Just as I advocate and practice safe co-sleeping (though we don’t do it any longer), a parenting choice that many jump to conclusions about and demonize, referring to parents who do it as “uneducated” and “lazy,” I also practice “safe” and responsible sleep-training, which is obviously another polarizing parenting choice people are quick to jump to conclusions about.
If you are the mother of a newborn considering leaving your baby in her cold, dark room for 8 hours to scream and cry while you’re drinking and watching a Lost marathon on Netflix, then I encourage you to do more research than just reading my blog post and taking what I have to say as medical and professional advice. (That disclaimer was actually necessary because I’ve had several people tell me I just encouraged that behavior by posting this blog. I’ll also be sure to make a disclaimer that parents shouldn’t co-sleep with boa constrictors and meat cleavers in their bed the next time I talk about that… just so I’ve covered all my bases.)
I went through this with my first (second one is on the way soon.) I co-slept for a year and was desperate for sleep and thought I would be the last person to use Ferber or CIO, but it worked, and like you’ve experienced, the gentler the approach the more drawn out crying there was. The first time I let him cry it out, he was asleep in 10 minutes! It was the best night sleep he had ever had at that point. Thank you for your honesty. The best way to be on top of your day time mom game, is to get as much sleep as you can at night especially to fight off the PPD and Anxiety that plagues new moms. Also, the more sleep a child gets the less likely they are to have depression, weight issues, cognitive issues, etc as well. So, I say it’s really not that bad considering the benefits if it works. You’re a wise mother to prioritize sleep over a bit of crying. Best wishes, I hope Leyna sleeps through the night soon!
You know what I love most about you Kit? It is your true HONESTY. I don’t know a single parent that puts it asll out there the good, the bad and the ugly. I personally don’t believe in your philosophy but I would NEVER criticize you for it because it works for YOUR child and your family not mine. Who am I to judge what works best for YOU?
Thank you so much for sharing …again!
Kimberly
Its all a sliding scale isn’t it? I mean even the most attached at the hip mama has had to at least wait long enough to finish peeing to soothe her kid. So not that you need me to defend your choices, nor did I do CIO a lot myself, but I’m totally okay with you making decisions on how you raise your kid. As long as you don’t tel me how to raise mine!
I adore your blog and think its hilarious and funny and honest. So keep on rockin at what you do best! Full support from this fellow blogger!
Amen! I’m in total agreement with you.
I feel you 100% on this one. My son had severe reflux (like hospitalization severe) and so we coslept because it caused apneic events. He’s several months out of it and is now a gawd awful sleeper. He went 9 and a half hours without a nap today.
Oh yeah, he’s only 10 months old.
I was adamant we not do CIO. Out of desperation I have tried several times. I think this boy is going for an Oscar, because he gets so hysterical he hyperventilates or pukes wihin a couple minutes. I wish it worked for us, because we both need sleep desperately. No judgment here though, no one has their whole child rearing plan mapped out 100% set in stone no going back on it. That’s just unrealistic.
Are you raising my son? LOL, I would swear what you just described is my son to a “T”. Although our LO just started napping horribly we just realized he needs to be very very active and then he just goes to sleep super easy. I just had to respond because I started reading your reply and I could have written it myself, from the reflux, the hospital stays, etc…. So glad your LO is doing better!
LOVE!!! I did exactly this and didn’t think there was anything wrong with my decision. My oldest (4.5 y/o)still sleeps like shit, but he knows how to put himself to sleep!
I hope your time with her crying is brief!!
I agree 100%. I had to do this with my first child. As much as I hated to do it it worked. She is now a healthy and very happy 9 year old.
I’m popping in via Facebook just to offer a little encouragement and support. IDK why people think they can judge other mothers for parenting choices they make without spending a day in that parent’s shoes. Bravo for you for speaking up and saying what’s on your mind.
Holy crap, I can’t believe all the crazy negative comments on Facebook about this. Kudos to you for doing what works for your family. I personally never did CIO with my kids but my sister did and her 16 month old son is happy and well adjusted. I co-slept with all 3 of my kids. My 4 year old now shares a bed with his Grandma most nights, my 3 year old and her dad share a couch, and I share my bed with my 14 month old. A lot of people think what my family does is nuts, but it works for us. Different strokes for different folks, people. Geez.
I really honestly couldn’t care less what someone else does with their kids…unless it’s something truly harmful, like beating them, obviously. However, my problem with people letting their kids CIO, is that the vast majority of people i know who have done it are not educated on it. I can tell that you have researched it well and are comfortable with your decision, and that is great, but most people haven’t looked into it too much. and letting a 1 year old cry for a little while is drastically different than letting a 3 month old cry. i wish that all parents would look into things more, no matter what the issue is. Just because it seems like conventional wisdom now, doesn’t mean things were always this way, or even that they should be this way. We are constantly learning more about human development and what is healthy and what is not. I get really frustrated when people use the excuse, well our parents did it and we turned out fine. That reasoning is not good enough. 30 years ago women were told that formula was better for babies than breastmilk and now we know better.
The best thing someone taught me with my first is “you have to teach them how to sleep too”…
When our oldest was around the same age she somehow added the word “hungry” to her vocab and would yell it directly into the monitor at night in her fits. My sympathy is with you while you battle this phase. Good luck!
Oh how I wish I could let my 16 month old cry it out, on her own, and not run in to her room. I really really really really wish I could!
Amen! I was never a cry it out momma when K was really young. But I think a time comes for every mom when they say enough is enough, we all need some sleep around here!
This is me. This week. With my 6 month old. After the ped told me that the issues I kept returning to her office for were likely just a new “habit” that my formerly good sleeping son formed, I considered CIO for the firsdt time. And I wasn’t on board. I had no plans to ever CIO.
Then, a month later, we were back to waking every 45 minutes. I would pick him up and instantly he would snuggle in and go back to sleep. But, I was up for at least 20 each time, so it was 20 min awake, 25 minutes asleep, all night long. I work full time, but even if I did not, I can not function this way.
I was finally on board mentally. I think that is the most important thing. I never once judged or bashed anyone for CIO before, I just did not think it was the route I planned to go. With my kid in daycare 9-10 hours a day, I cherish every minute I get with him, so it felt wrong to give up the snuggle time. Until it didn’t feel wrong anymore. I HAD to be mentally for the sleep training in order to make it work.
So here we are 6 days in. Sleeping is improved, but we still have a ways to go. He still cries occasionally, sometimes for just a moment, sometimes for much longer. We go in to reassure at predetermined times, or when we feel it would be beneficial. He wakes up with a smile every single morning though.
I am glad CIO or whatever sleep training works for you. sleep is hugely important to function at your best. And honestly, babies are happier when they get good restorative sleep, which is not broken up every 45 minutes.
Jill, first off, you’re an amazing woman. You’re a huge inspiration to many.
That said, I don’t agree with CIO. I would never put you down for doing what works and feels right for you though.
I firmly believe that babies have needs and wants and that the two are synonymous the first few years of life. That’s how I’m raising my son. You raise your kids the way you believe is right.
When you feel so strongly about parenting topics, it’s very hard not to see your way as the “correct” way. It’s hard not to “judge” other mamas. I think we’re all entitled to our own thoughts, just like we’re entitled to raising our babes the way we see fit…but if you don’t agree, you need to keep it to yourself. Don’t feel like a better mom by climbing atop others. Agree to disagree.
Great post. It’s funny – I’ve been on both sides of this. We did CIO from day 1. I had read Babywise & wanted to do it just right. It did work. She fell asleep easily on her own from ~4wks. In fact, I think I was judgier as a CIO mom than I am now!
Just like we’re all saying we don’t have to! If it stops working I know I’ll have to sleep train again – good to know where I can come for moral support. 
When I went back to work, there were some bumps, but we got back on track. THEN – we went away for Christmas that first year, and all hell broke loose. She was scared of the pack’n'plays, so we slept with her. When we got back, we got her back in her own crib. And – as Christina describes above – it was just like every time there was a weekend away or an illness, we were back to square 1. It was just emotionally exhausting for me! I decided to rock her to sleep if she woke up. She’d go back to sleep easily & I could get back to sleep.
BUT – I totally get what a slippery slope this is. She’s nearly 2 now, and goes to sleep in her crib, but wakes up at some point in the night. At which point, I usually bring her into our bed to sleep. It’s working for now. I do worry that I”m creating a needier baby, but — oh, hey – look at me – I’m defending doing what works for me!
I could have written this whole post. Fingers crossed that both of us can get some effing sleep soon.
Your 1 year is 26lbs? What the heck am I doing wrong!?! My 2 year old isn’t even up to 22lbs…
As for sleep, I have absolutely no answers. Because I am so tired.
I have twin 2 year olds and one is 21lbs and the other 23 lbs. You are not alone! Our 21 lbs daughter is still in 18 month clothes with room to grow. Her twin brother is in 2T but nearly all pants fall off of him!
My almost three year old is still under 20 pounds. She is just tiny. Nothing wrong with her. Skinny girl – hopefully she will just be skinny her whole life and never have to work for it.
My 4.5 month old weighs 21.4 lbs. Every kid is different. Some are small and some are large. As long as they are healthy and growing on their growth curve I wouldn’t worry.
And my 3.5 month old is just under 20 pounds!
I have been all over the block with sleep training. We have 5 children the youngest being 2 year old twins. Our first was just awesome and really had no issues at all. Our second was pretty good too but then started waking at night. Instead of nursing him I would put a couple ounces of water in a bottle. After a couple sips he litteraly turned his head and went back to sleep and never woke again-generally speaking, our third I don’t remember much about waking at night so she must have been a good sleeper too. Now with out twins it is all turned about! They are two, our daughter sleeps just fine no real issues, but her twin brother has started screaming every time it is bed time/nap time. Finally I gave up and told him I’m sorry I am the mom it is time for bed/nap laid him down and walked out. It has been a few days of doing this and things are getting much better! Again this was out of the blue that he started doing this otherwise he was great lay him down and walk out end of story. So I know he was/is just trying to get his way. Babies are smart! After all basic needs are met there is no issue for me with letting them cry a bit. Mine rarely go on longer than 10 mins if they do I go in a check on them lay them back down and walk out. Many times that does the trick or they cry for a few minutes but realize they lost that battle and Mom’s will is stronger. Good luck! Sleep is coming your way soon!
I let my kid cry it out. Plenty of times. I could give 2 shits what people think of my parenting. Maybe Mr. Kiss, I’ll let him chime in – but that’s it.
Great job being honest and being strong and Go You, Mom’s Rock!
And for the record, every kid will eventually get it. That sleep thing. It may take til they’re 4 or 5 or 6…which seems IMPOSSIBLE to a sleep deprived mom of an infant…but I promise, you will one day sleep well!
I don’t normally read these kinds of posts, but this had me particularly enthralled.
1. You’re a fantastic writer. Especially for 4+ hours of sleep!
2. A-MEN to the cry it out. Our daughter slept through the night from month 2 – month 12, then she decided to wake up every two hours. This happened for about two weeks before we decided to do something about it.
3. My mom said this: “If she’s fed, diapered, clean, away from any possible danger & she’s still crying, it’s okay if you let her figure it out herself.” I agree 100%. There’s only so much you can do to soothe a fussy child.
4. I loved the paragraph about how your children (and all children for that matter) need and deserve a functioning parent.
You’re a damn good mother & your children are so lucky to have you as their mom.
Melissa I agree with you 100% but just wanted to add the following:
Our pediatrician suggested we put our daughter on a sleeping schedule at 2 months. The length of time is 15 min. Every 15 min you check on your kid. It’s every 15 to make sure they aren’t in danger so long as everything else is taken care of ie diaper, fed etc. She is now 5 years old and most of the time sleeps through the night. Occasionally she will get up which we are working on.
We are now doing it with our 15 month old son (started schedule at 2 months too) and it worked for us. It’s not cruel because you check them every 15 min. If after 3 times they don’t soothe themselves and fall asleep on their own then they definitely need something more…food or TLC.
Kudos Jill!
I do feel the trick is to start it at a young age. Our son usually falls asleep within the first 15 min. now.
When I hear about other mothers having trouble with their babies not falling asleep I “suggest” the 15 min rule because most of time I find out they go into get them too soon because they started to cry. I’m not saying one way is better than the other I’m just trying to share what worked for us. I hope it helps someone else.
A-freaking-MEN! my little guy is 13 mos and when he was 10 mos we finally committed to letting him cry it out. hubs and i were both zombies and it wasn’t fair to the baby, us, or our bosses. We tried being “gentle” and going back into the room in increasing intervals, but that just upset him more b/c he would see us and then become hysterical when we left the room again. i tried sleeping on the floor of his room with my arm shoved into the slots of his crib. i finally came to the realization that even him crying for 2 hours and then sleeping for 10 was better than all of us being up for 4 hours in the middle of the night. It was hard and he still screams bloody murder for 10 minutes each night, but he can now put himself back to sleep with no issues. Thanks for keeping it real!
Forgive me for repeating something someone may have already said, but when you help your child learn to soothe themselves, you are giving them a GIFT. I’m not saying that all kids who cry it out are great sleepers, or that kids who never cried it out are all terrible sleepers, but falling asleep on your own is a learned skill. You do what you feel is best, and that’s all you can do.
I couldn’t have worded it better myself Leigh Ann.
You had me at “cry.”
My theory is that it doesn’t really matter what we do, we are going to screw our kids up somehow. It’s the natural cycle of life: born, parents wreck us, go to therapy/fix ourselves, get married, have children, promise to not do it the way our parents did it, screw kids up at other end of spectrum, etc etc. It’s the beautifully dysfunctional dance of life!
Really glad I found your site! Good times!
CIO is dangerous and you are promoting it. I have two children, one is 18mos old and I could never let him CIO, he DOES still need me, and if that is every 3 hours so be it. Some uneducated woman who has too many children because she can’t figure out the directions on her birth control packet finally got dial up, stumbled upon this disgusting blog and is going to let her children scream and cry all night. Then she is going to realize that she can do it for part of the day too. Then her children will be neglected little people WHO NEED their mother. All because you are obviously heartless, and think that your little one year old is grown up enough to not need you at night time. Day time mothers like you piss me off. Children NEED us 24 hours a day and it is YOUR JOB to be there. This blog isn’t your job, anything you do outside of your home isn’t your job. Your children are YOUR JOB! You make me so sick and so do all of the people commenting awful things like “Oh thank god! My 6 month old needs to CIO too!” Finally, their leader has justified their neglect! Way to go!
Wow, Danielle. Just. Wow. Go read this, please: http://changingtheuniverseblog.com/2012/01/mama-drama/
Arnebya, thanks for sharing the link.
She sounds pretty forgiving, I’m not. Oh well.
WORD.
Did you know that you’re being a bully? I am a CIO mother, but it takes research and needs to be done properly. Don’t judge moms who use a CIO method until you’ve researched it and tried it yourself. My child doesn’t define my life either. My son is not my “job” as you say it should be. I’m a wife, a nurse, a mother. Not in that order, but “mom” doesn’t define who I am. I am a good wife, mother, and nurse…not just a “mom”.
Maybe I am a bully. You feel offended so I think I am right. You job is to be a mother, any time that you spend away from your children “being a nurse” takes away from them. I am a mother, I work from home so that I can actually BE their mother and their care giver. I DO judge people who use the CIO method. I have researched it, I still think it is abusive. I’m not some retard that just stepped off the public bus. You all sound like monsters.
You may be The Worlds Best Mother, but I hope you don’t use the R word in front of your children. Of course, compassion is obviously not your strong suit.
I am not the world’s best mother but I am a REALLY great mother, among other things, nothing near as awesome as being a mother of course. No, compassion really isn’t my strong suit. Some things are good, some are bad and CIO is bad.
See and I thought the really great mom’s were teaching their kids things like, not to judge until you’ve walked a mile in someone’s shoes. But I guess you were too busy researching CIO to worry about life’s great lessons.
My kids are more caring and compassionate than any kids that have been left to CIO because they have been shown love, have felt love and live with love. All the time, not just during daytime hours. No, I don’t ever want to “walk a mile” in the shoes of someone who lets their baby cry for 45 mins. It is wrong. It is abusive. There is no justifying it, especially not in a public forum where people who DO NO research just read all these comments and then do what you say simply because YOU said it online. It is irresponsible. This whole post has been pro CIO and that is dangerous. It is like all of you are reasonably smart but then selfish all at the same time. Sleep training and CIO is cruel and to call it a “learning tool” or whatever is uneducated. No child benefits from feeling abandoned every night. They eventually stop crying because they have given up. I won’t ever let my kids give up, I will ALWAYS be there. The fears that they have at night are REAL, maybe not to you, but they are babies and children and they are REAL to them. When you just leave them to CIO you are dismissing that instead of building trust and calming fears and THAT is mean. THAT is bad parenting. I would say the exact same thing to your face if you were standing right in front of me. I am not hiding behind my keyboard.
Did you read the disclaimer I added?
You know who else let their babies cry it out? Does the name Hitler sound familiar? How about Stalin? In more recent times – Hussein. To me, anyone who would allow their baby to “cry it out” is just as bad as if they slaughtered their fellow countrymen. And I use the term, “cry it out,” loosely. I should say: allowing your child to shriek into the vast nothingness – the empty void that is their so-called bedroom (if you can even call the grave-like cell with princess and unicorns… Satanic princesses and unicorns…on the wall in which you place your child lovingly in a clean set of warm and comfy footy pajamas of horror underneath the mobile of doom… or worse – the hammer and sickle Pinko Commie mobile)… I’ve lost my train of thought. Anyway, you people disgust me! You make me sick you little monsters (and not the Lady Gaga kind)! And I am not hiding behind a keyboard! I would tell you to your face if you only paid for the plane tickets to get here you sickos!
I approved this comment because it made me laugh so hard, and I’m holding out some hope for humanity that this was brilliant satire.
HAHAHA Ok, whatever you say John “Danielle” Smith. Vegetarian painters turned genocidal douchebags never cried about anything, even in infancy. I sincerely hope this is a joke.
“Maybe I am a bully.”
I believe you’re acting like one, certainly. You should try to rethink how you will behave in the future, you should Take The Pledge: http://www.themompledge.com
“You job is to be a mother, any time that you spend away from your children “being a nurse” takes away from them. I am a mother, I work from home so that I can actually BE their mother and their care giver.”
So according to you then, just to be clear, you think that all women who have children should be SAHM’s? That would lead to only childless women and men in the workforce? I really don’t think that’s a feasible thought. A lot of families cannot afford a single-income life. And why would you put ‘being a nurse’ in quotations? I have a university degree and education, it’s not playing dress-up at the hospital. Do you think the nurses who assisted in delivering your children had kids of their own? Probably. If not for them, you would probably have no nurses with your during your whole hospital stay. Did your midwife or OBGYN have kids? If not, then I guess they shouldn’t be working either. I hope you never have to take your children to ER, because I guarantee you the majority of the female nurses have children there too. I leave my child at home with my more-than-competent husband so he can take care of him, while I take care of your sick children – a job which I love and am very passionate about.
“I DO judge people who use the CIO method. I have researched it, I still think it is abusive. I’m not some retard that just stepped off the public bus. You all sound like monsters.”
I don’t think you’ve researched it, at least the method I used, correctly. I think you using the r-word in a reply to me is more abusive than letting my child learn how to self-soothe by CIO.
Saying the word “retard” is not more abusive than CIO. Let’s be real here. And I would much prefer all of those over worked women with children working in hospitals be home with their children, raising them. It is absurd the number of children being raised by day care and the public school system. It all starts at home, being attached at home and being present as a mother. You leave our kids 12 hours a day and that is 12 hours they are being influenced (negative or positive) by someone that isn’t you. They are becoming attached to other people, people that aren’t their mother. This is how good children go bad. It is on their mothers. CIO is the first step to detachment. Saying that you “researched” CIO and use it effectively is like saying you researched spanking and circumcision and use it effectively. Spanking is still hitting and circumcision is still mutilation. Come on.
I’m not overworked, I love my job. Like I said, if only childless women and men were in the workforce, there would be a bigger problem in this world than CIO.
For the record, the way I CIO’d my son, we did SleepEasy for 3 nights and he’s been STTN ever since. He DOES NOT cry anymore because he LEARNED HOW TO SLEEP! This means, if he does cry, I KNOW something is wrong and I go to him immediately. Also, not that its any of your business and I don’t know why you’re bringing up 2 more “mommy wars” topics, but I do not/will not spank my kid(s) and my son is not circimscised. That is for personal reasons, not medical. But, by not having him circ’d we risk him getting an infection and having it done when he’s older.
I’m done, Danielle, just let this go. I’m happy with my parenting choices, you are with yours. Don’t judge me, it has nothing to do with how you raise your kids.
The funny thing is none of this was ever written towards you, or anyone else commenting on this post, really. Just the writer herself. Then you took personal offense to it. I’m not offended by anything because I know I’m right. It is pretty simple.
Not offense, more like I’m shocked that in 2012 women still feel the need to beat up on one another.
Unfortunately, not everyone is able to stay at home all the time. I to am a nurse and HAVE to work outside the home. I’d LOVE to stay at home with my daughter, but at this time that is not an option until my husband is able to have a full time job with benefits. When I’m working, my husband or in-laws are watching my daughter. Just because you work at home does not make you a better mother than someone who chooses to work outside the home-whether by choice or necessity.
People are crazy. I had three babies without drugs, breast fed them till they were two, co-slept till they were 6 months old and them put them in their own beds b/c I couldn’t sleep with a baby kicking me in the ribs and trying to nurse all night. Each of them CIO around the same age as your daughter and somehow, they’re still sweet, sensitive, compassionate kids who don’t judge.
To Danielle,
No one is twisting your arm one way or the other. What works for some may not work for others. But you can still give your opinion without all the harshness.
When you say that CIO is dangerous means you have no idea what is involved. You don’t let your kid CIO all night. You check every 15 min until they “learn” to fall asleep on their own. But after 3 times it means they need something more, tlc, more food etc.
From Leigh Ann…”falling asleep on your own is a learned skill.” I believe that too.
I know exactly what is involved and leaving your baby to cry ALONE in the DARK for FIFTEEN minutes! Do you listen to yourself?! Fifteen minuets to a baby is a LIFETIME!! If they don’t know what tomorrow means , or after lunch or how to judge time at all, they think you have left them and you aren’t coming back. THREE sets of 15 mins?! FORTY FIVE MINUTES!?!?!?! Are you kidding me. If I knew you personally, I’d report you. What kind of mother can listen to their child cry for 45 minutes??? Falling asleep on your own is NOT a learned skill, it is something that develops with maturity. You people are CRUEL! You perpetuate bad parenting and neglect. Mothers like you are exactly what is wrong with this country. Children are detached from their parents at alarming rates, starting with mothers like all of you.
Hahahahahahahahaha! You would report me?? Hahahahahahahaha! What a FANTASTIC use of this country’s resources. You’re a peach.
Thanks babe
Danielle,
First of all I want you to know I have read this entire interaction. Every word from you, Jill and the others who have responded to you. Second of all I will tell you, since you do not know me, that I have a child with a very serious attachment disorder because she was neglected and left to cry constantly for months. So, now you know a little about me and where I am coming from.
Now, there is no reason to ever be this nasty with someone. Even if you think they are wrong. Even if you hate what they are doing. I hate the idea of any child being left to cry all alone. I do. And I told Jill that. I tried my best to be respectful, however. I also know that every mom does what she thinks is best. And that each individual mom knows the needs of her family better than anyone else. I neither agree nor disagree with what Jill is doing with her baby. I will not do it with mine but that’s because I am not Jill and she is not me. I have not lived Jill’s life and neither have you and so neither one of us can tell her what to do.
I agree with the point of what you said about the way someone else will take what she said. I think it is important to note that leaving your baby to cry for extended periods of time can hurt them. Extended enough WILL hurt them. I said that in an earlier comment but the way you said it helps no one. No one!
Oh yeah. You’re evil. But that’s ok. So am I. I raised 6 of em. I also gave them pacifiers and on occasion used a stuffed animal or rolled up blanket to support their bottle so I could actually finish cooking dinner. Guess what? None of my kids turned out to be serial killers. In fact two of ‘em are actually pretty good mother’s themselves. One of them is ROTC and another will prolly wind up in MIT and working for NASA. Yeah, I was a real B!tch.
Hang in there…and trust that you’re doing the right thing for your child. My now 5 1/2 year old daughter was a horrible sleeper as a baby. We were constantly rocking her to sleep, then carefully laying her down, walking out of her room on eggshells…then BAM she’d wake up and start screaming and the whole process would start all over again. Around six months, we finally decided that she needed to learn how to fall asleep on her own. It was a difficult few days, but she finally got it. Now she’s an awesome sleeper…in fact, most nights she tells us when she’s ready to go to bed. We never have arguments about bedtime. Of course, there are occasional nights when she has a bad dream and we let her sleep with us, but those are few and far between. Sleep is so important…for kids and parents! Best of luck.
I have 4 wonderful boys that sleep like angels BECAUSE we sleep-trained. They were sleep-trained at 4mths old when they could show me that they were able to sleep through the night and soothe themselves. I respect your decision and so will every mom that has to deal with a 2 or 3 year old that still doesn’t sleep all night. My boys do. Mommy and Dad both do, and we are a happier family for it!
Amen, sister! Well said!
People are insane. If Leyna is dry, fed and not ill, let that baby cry for a little while. It’s not like you said she cried for 8 hours straight. Holy shit, people. Get a life. Tell these people to read up on the benefits of self-soothing.
Wow.
Hi Jill. Just wanted to show some support. I’m a fellow CIO mommy and I stand by my choice, but also don’t bash AP’ers and co-sleepers for their choices. We used SleepEasy for our son at 5 months, and he’s a super sleeper thanks to this. I’m like you, if mommy doesn’t sleep, I can’t function and be the loving wife and mother my family deserves. I can do the first 6ish months on their schedule, but when they’re old enough and weigh enough, sleep training it is. I will be doing this method with all my babies. I have researched it through and through, and my son is living proof that it can work.
I breastfed, I use cloth diapers, he’s slept in his own crib in his own room since day 1….but I don’t hate you if you use formula, disposable diapers, or co-sleep. When will the f-ing mommy wars end? Why can’t we just support each other?
Interesting that Danielle admits her lack of compassion, then calls most everyone here a monster.
The most compassionate and understanding on this board are the monsters. This is irony, right? Frankly, the “monster’s” kids will probably more well adjusted, given their parents compassion, understanding and general non-whackadoo-ness. At least from what I’ve seen here.
I can’t help thinking this Danielle is playing a prank. It’s like every comment is more incendiary than the last. I still feel kinda new to the online mommy stuff, and you’re all taking it seriously, so that’s probably wishful thinking? But I like that idea better than someone trolling the web and picking fights.
I’m new to your blog. Found you because of the upheaval you’ve cause on the internet the past couple of days
I was where you are 10 months ago. My 13 month old (at the time) son sound about like your daughter.
Hope you are ALL able to get some sleep and soon!!
I totally feel you on this. i don’t regularly let my daughter “cry it out”, but sometimes, she’s just so pissed off at the world that she NEEDS to scream and cry. when she’s done being angry, she falls asleep. i don’t think i’m damaging her in any way when I let her do this, and i commend you on going up against all those nay sayers out there who swear their kid has never cried before. toddlers can be so dramatic sometimes, and i have no problem letting mine be the drama queen she was born to be. and, like you said, she’s not crying by herself in a dark room for 8 hours. it lasts 15 minutes at the most, and then she walks over to me and falls asleep in my arms.
i have to admit that i’m one of the lucky ones with a baby who has slept through the night since she was about 8 weeks old. from 6-8 weeks, she would sleep 4 hours, eat, and then go back to sleep for another 4 hours. by 8 weeks, she was sleeping 8 hours straight, and since she was 3 months old, she’s slept for 12-13 hours straight. (she’s now 6 1/2 months old).
we really didn’t have a plan or a strategy for her sleeping schedule – we just got VERY lucky. i honestly don’t know what i would do if i went a YEAR without a good night’s sleep.
i think each family has to do what works for them, and i can’t believe you’re getting shit for this. what the fuck is wrong with people? do they really have nothing better to do than judge someone else?
good luck with getting leyna to sleep through the night (and you too)!
I too have let my daughter CIO; my daughter is 16 months old. When I first started, I would let her cry for 5-10 minutes, and then the next week 10-15 minutes. Usually after 15 minutes, she’s sleeping; so, if she’s still crying at that point, I go check on her and make sure she’s okay. I then might hold her and sing to her, but that works for us. Some parents don’t let their children CIO, and that’s okay. Just like it’s okay to let your child CIO. Thanks for your honesty, and I’m sorry you’ve received so much criticism.
Sarah, you explained CIO much better than I did. Some of the mothers I think misunderstood one of my previous posts and some how got that I let my kid cry for 45 min straight? Not even close to being true. We all have our variations of what works for us. I should have clarified we worked up to the 15 min. Although I don’t think it would matter. But now my son falls asleep on his own within the first 5 min. Hum I guess that is cruelty. Unreal!
The best parenting advice I’ve ever received has been to do what works. Speaking from experience, trying to survive on very little sleep just doesn’t work. While I didn’t CIO with Logan, I don’t judge other mamas who do. PPA increases sleep issues, sleep issues increases PPA…something has to give. I’m glad you found a method that works for your family!
Using the potty requires training. Competing in the Olympics requires training. Sleeping not so much. Establishing routines is crucial. Making a child cry because they have a need that the parent is ignoring is cruel. I promise that you WILL NOT have a 15 year old waking every 3 hours demanding to be breastfed because they were never “trained” properly. Children are not learning to self soothe when left to cry. They are learning that they can not rely on their caretakers to meet their needs. Breastfed babies can actually need to eat several times through the night until AT LEAST 18 months. Babies do not understand being “pissed off”. So you are not teaching them that it’s ok to be pissed, you are teaching them that their needs come second to yours. Why does it bother me when other parents use CIO? Because the idea of a child crying for love and attention and those cries being ignored by the mommy who is suppossed to soothe the child is absolutely heartbreaking. Not to mention MY child will eventually have to be out in the world with your children and it freaks me out that your Ferberized emotionless detached child is going to crucify my sensitive child who has never had to shut down emotionally to sleep. My son didn’t sleep through the night until he was 3. He did it when HE was ready, not when I decided it was time. Was the sleep deprivation difficult at times? Duh! Of course! It’s parenting. It’s motherhood. It’s life.
What I think people like you are missing here is that I’m not just doing this because, dammit, that kid’s gonna sleep! I’m doing it because I NEED THE SLEEP. I physically, MENTALLY need the sleep. The “damage” I’m doing to my baby at night (which I don’t believe is any, but you obviously do) is far less than the damage that is done by me not being present for her during the day. Why, why, why is that hard to understand and even remotely try to empathize with? I am NOT asking you to agree with sleep training or use it or recommend it. I am simply asking you to think for one moment that perhaps MY journey and MY circumstances are wildly different than yours and that you really have no place to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be doing with MY child. If you must judge, judge, but don’t you DARE tell me that I’m putting my baby’s needs “second” and that I’m raising emotionless children. YOU are the one acting emotionless here. YOU are the one without compassion. YOU are the one I fear having my children around.
We all NEED sleep. With two babies I have gone literally days with nothing but a few cat naps. I’ve gone a week getting only 8 hours sleep TOTAL. Is it difficult? Darn right. Maybe we just have different coping strategies. I just suck it up and move on and attend to my child’s needs and then have a good cry and a relaxing 3 1/2 minute shower where I forget to rinse the conditioner out of my hair. I tried to CIO with my first. It was the most horrendous thing I’ve ever had to hear in my life. MY child screaming for ME. It lasted all of three days (of which I slept a gens total of ZIP NADDA ZILCH NOTHING ZERO) before I have up and decided that the time I spent cuddling and soothing my son would mean more in the long run to me AND him then him being forced to sleep through the night before he was ready. I applaud your “transparency” but disagree with your methods. I understand your sleep deprivation and need for sleep. I figure I will get some sleep sometime between 2nd grade until their first boy/girl party. Until then, I soldier on with engorged boobs, dark circles under my eyes and legs that haven’t been shaved since October. Why? Because I have stock in Folgers and the sound of my kids crying affects ME more than lack of sleep.
I think what it boils down to is CIO feel some level of guilt and non-CIO moms are jealous of sleep and delerious from lack of it. I could be wrong- I haven’t slept in 5 years.
Right. That’s fine. Because that’s YOUR experience. And I’m not going to tell you you’re “spoiling” your child or you’re raising a “future brat,” because you don’t let them cry. Mind you, I don’t even believe those things, but those are accusations I’ve heard slung from the other side. Just because you can “suck it up” and I can’t (and I “sucked it up” for a good 12 months, FYI), doesn’t give you the right to accuse me of being a horrible mother. I am doing every thing I can, I assure you, to be the BEST mother I can possibly be. It consumes me. I am on medication for anxiety because I want to be a better mother. I am re-working my daily routine because I want to be a better mother. I am being honest with everyone here, sharing my struggles and getting feedback from those who’ve made it through to the other side because I want to be a better mother. This decision to let my baby cry for a few minutes at night so we can go from 5 wakings at night to 2-3, where she’s still nursing at least 2 times a night, was made so that I can be a better mother. I can’t martyr myself to be the perfect mom at night only to sacrifice my mood during the day. It’s not fair to anyone, including my 3 year old who requires me to be very active with him.
I CIO with both my kids. But when you (you know who you are) stoop down as low as attacking my kids character, whom you’ve never met …you have crossed the line. I agree to disagree but would like to say:
To argue with a person who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead.—Thomas Paine
I hope everything works out for you Jill. Stay strong. It’s a shame you have to though, when we all should be helping each other out instead of attacking.
Danielle, you are hiding behind your keyboard because you have no link to your name. I’m sure you are on FB. Use that as your website.
::sigh:: Honestly, Danielle, your vitriol is what is wrong with the world today. Not parents who do what they think is best for their children, themselves, and ultimately their families. Not the parents who make hard decisions out of LOVE of their child. It’s the parents who are angry, believe themselves to be the paragon of correctness and spew hate at those who don’t follow. Kids pick up on that. Then become that person later in life.
You know what’s way worse and has longer lasting psychological effects on a child than being left for 10-15 minutes to cry? Having your mom go absolutely insane from sleep deprivation or anxiety/depression. I let myself do that with my 1st child and I still haven’t recovered almost 2 years later. If only I had known to make some choices, reach out for help, ANYTHING but listen to the perfectionistic, judgmental garbage I kept hearing. You need to make the best decision for your FAMILY – that includes you too! Keep on keepin’ on and keep making informed choices for yourself and your family’s well being.
It saddens me how hateful and angry some of these women are toward you simply for voicing an opinion. I’m always of the “to each their own” when it comes to these sorts of things. What works for me works for me and who am I to be pushing that on anyone else.
I used CIO with my son first at 4 months and then again at 13 months and he is by far one of the sweetest, loving and most tenderhearted 5 year old boys I’ve ever met.
Of course I also went back to work when he was 3 months old out of necessity but also for my own sanity so clearly I am a monster.
I would LOVE to be home with him more but I am under no illusions that I want to be a full-time stay at home mom. I don’t even think that’s the best thing for him either. In my family, we all need some separation in order to appreciate the time we do have together. Some of my worst parenting moments have been a consequence of too little patience and not enough time away.
You know what our family experience has taught him? It’s taught him that he can rely on his parents to always return to him regardless of the circumstances. He knows we love him but he also knows that there are other people in this world that are capable of loving and caring for him as well; whether that is someone that we pay to do that or a caring and loving family member.
My take on this parenting gig is that my job is to help mold and shape an upstanding member of society. A job which I think entails teaching my son that yes, he can count on his parents, but also that he can rely on himself and others as well. After all I do actually hope he leaves the nest one day. But I suppose if he’s still living in my basement when he’s 30 I can rest easy knowing I’ve surely taught him he can always rely on me.
I applaud you for being brave enough to stir up this shit storm, and for having the courage to do what is right for YOUR family regardless of what anyone else may think about it.
Kudos Nicole!
Danielle, apparently no one clued you in to the old adage: you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. Or in this case, bat shit crazy. There is a huge difference between a few minutes of crying and abuse. A neglectful parent can ignore their child’s cries, but crying with a purpose when the child is overstimulated is not neglectful or abuse, and you’re trying to blur the lines between the two until there’s none.
From a medical standpoint, which I would wager I know a mighty bit more than you, the brain and other vital organs depend on sleep. Babies do. Adults do. After so long of not sleeping the brain will produce more chemicals to stay awake than to sleep. THAT is not healthy for a baby child either.
So you see, there can be any angle to point out and say “you’re doing your child harm”, “you’re abusive”, etc.
And beyond that, being a psycho on an internet blog is not about to change anyone’s mind, but set them further when you take such a stance. Try being less in your face, holier than though and denigrating and you might find you get further. Hell, you just might even change someone’s mind. Putting someone on the defensive will never achieve that. For someone who claims to know so much about what humans need and how they are, this very basic principle seems to be lost on you.
Right on Lindsey!
First off I don’t think it Matters what anyone says to Danielle.. She believes she is the best mother in the world because she stays at home and obviously would never ever let her kids cry.
Ok seriously? Are you saying no mother should work? By that theory we wouldn’t have half of all the wonderful nurses, dr’s, teachers etc around because they would all be stay at home
Moms! Like come on Danielle think about what you’re saying. Secondly let’s say you didn’t have a husband or family to support you would you not work for your kids?
Anyways on to the CIO subject. I hired a sleep expert when my son was 18months cause I was so sleep deprives and dare I say working so I was really going crazy. Never once before that did I let my child cry at night but you know what? I learned through help of a professional that a little crying 10min at a time ok.. And even longer stretches if the child is only whining and not full out crying. Anyways he sleeps awesome now and I’m also a well rested happier and better mom. Moms need sleep and so do their kids. You know sleep deprecation in a child can lead to issues as they get older including poor learning in school? So Jill you’re awesome for making sleep for your child and you a priority and Danille, please keep in mind you’re likely not a registered sleep expert, or Dr or a real researcher. Cause if you were you wouldn’t be a stay at home mom all you really are is a bully!
Side note: sorry for the typos that’s what I get for using my iphone
I’m so sorry you are having to deal with so much misunderstanding and hatred. I agree with you. I battled with my son until the age of one on the sleeping thing. At that point, I moved him from the crib in our room to the crib in his own room and during those frequent waking periods, I waited and listened. A mother knows her child’s cry…or at least I do and I don’t think I’m anything exceptional. I can tell when its fussy and when its serious. I listened and watched on the baby monitor and waited. The first night, he cried for about 15 minutes but never coughed or stuttered in his breathing, laid down and went back to sleep. Each night has gotten shorter and now if he wakes up, he rolls around, talks for a few minutes and goes back to sleep. If I hadn’t trusted myself to know his cries, I would have been waking every few hours for the last 6 months as I had done for the full year before that. And he was a breastfed baby until recently. They sense things like confidence, frustration and stress. Stability is key and proving to them that when something actually is wrong you will be there. I commend you for having the courage to speak out on this controversial subject. I have been too scared to.
I also “blame” my postpartum anxiety with not sleeping for way too many months. We no longer tend to Leila when she wakes up in the middle of the night AND I do not get her up in the morning before 7am (more like 7:30 am these days). She’s the happiest baby I know because she gets her sleep and so does her Momma. Thanks for being real.
I haven’t read through all of the comments here, only on FB. I have to say that I support your decision and actions, completely, although you don’t need that reassurances. Your Leyna is one year old already, as well as your your extenuating circumstances, and can easily weather 20 minutes of crying alone. I truly believe that the recent study that was released regarding killing brain cells, etc, when it comes to letting your baby cry was totally irresponsible. My grandma birthed eleven live children and you cannot tell me that the youngest at the time did not have times where they had to cry-on-their-own because someone could not get to them immediately. I say BS to that. Everyone, regardless of age, lives better with contiguous hours of sleep. It makes for a happier baby, a happier mama, a happier daddy, etc.
Great, now you tell me. I sure hope the pet store will take that damn snake back.
I could tell when my 10 month (8 corrected) boy could be left for sleep training. His cry was the ‘put on’ one. I laughed when I heard it because he also gave me a look that said… “I knew you’d come in.” So, I knew it was time (and I thought I’d never do it). And that boy was one cranky kid I tell ya… until we sleep trained. Then he started being a lot more chipper in between naps etc because he was getting proper sleep. I think it took all of one week or less to train him. And now that 3 year old boy sleeps like a rock. Will put himself to bed for a nap if he’s tired and can sleep through his baby sister’s night wakings before I make it into the same room to feed her. He’s a happy happy boy to have his rest.
::LIKE::
Pretty much the same story with my kids. THanks for putting it out there in your wonderful way.
Enough said.