I’ve had some time since I last told you all about my postpartum anxiety diagnosis. I’ve been on medication (Zoloft, for those wondering) for over a month now.

I’ve been trying to write this blog post for a long time. It’s just not an easy one to type out. Sometimes just thinking about the anxiety brings it back a bit.

But yesterday Postpartum Progress published this post: 70 Postpartum Depression Survivors: I Knew I Was Getting Better When… and I could relate with so many of those feelings. While I don’t think I’m completely “better” just yet, I know that I’m improving and just looking back makes me realize how far I’ve come. Which is sort of scary because a couple months ago I was convinced there was nothing really wrong with me, and I’m really glad it was something relatively benign that made me reach out for help. Though, at the time, it was incredibly frightening in my head.

Things Got Worse Before They Got Better:

As the baby weight started to come off this time around, I began to notice a weird ridge of what seemed like cellulite on the front of my left thigh. It’s really not that big at all. It’s just I have chicken legs, so any sort of pocket of fat really stands out. I have a cluster of cellulite that I’ve had since I was 16 on the back of my right leg, and this looked similar. For a few weeks, I would see it in the bathroom mirror and think it looked odd, but then I brushed it off.

The weekend I went to L.A. at the end of October, I suddenly went from being blase about it to convincing myself it was cancer. And not just cancer, but stage 4 cancer that’s probably metastasized and is rapidly killing me. I rubbed the spot where the fat rested, over and over feeling for a mass, so much that I bruised myself. But then I couldn’t tell if I caused that bruise or the cancer caused the bruise.

Prior to this, for months, I let my mind focus on worrying about death and illness. I was perpetually convinced someone I love or I would get cancer and die. I remember having a similar episode after Kendall turned 1. A clogged milk duct sent me spiraling, crying in a GYN’s office, convinced I had breast cancer.

The rational in my mind? That my life was going TOO good. I have too many blessings. I’ve had too easy a road. Something bad was bound to happen to me. It’s just a matter of time.

So, back to the lump of fat on my leg. When I got back from L.A. the anxiety only got worse. By the time Tuesday rolled around (3 days later), I walked into a doctor’s office that’s near my son’s school after I dropped him off. I was happy I hadn’t got into an accident driving him to school because my heart was racing and I thought I might pass out. I made an appointment to have the lump of fat looked at. I was going to beg them to biopsy it. They couldn’t get me in until Friday.

A few hours later, I felt like I was having a stroke. My arms were tingling, my tongue was numb. I was dizzy, my heart was pounding through my chest. Oh my God? Was this a sign the cancer had spread to my heart or lungs??

Anxiety breeds anxiety. I was on a roller coaster I could not get off.

I called the doctor back and begged for them to get me in sooner.

When I went in the next day, I could barely sign in, my hands were shaking so bad.

“What are you here for?” the doctor asked.

“Well, I have this lump… and it’s probably just fat, but it’s scaring me, and I felt like I had a stroke yesterday, but obviously I’m fine… and, well, honestly? I think my problem is anxiety,” I fired all that off in about .2 seconds.

He took a look at my leg.

“Uh, well, that just looks like…. cellulite?” I could tell he was trying to put it delicately that I have a lump of fat on my leg.

“Oh, that’s okay! That’s GOOD! I’d much rather have cellulite than cancer!” I nervously laughed.

That was when we got into the anxiety thing. I won’t re-hash everything we talked about, but I’ll say I was floored when he so quickly diagnosed me and offered up a prescription for anti-depressants.

But I wasn’t depressed??

Surely he didn’t know what he’s talking about. I thought he would tell me to get more exercise, more sleep, to work through this with a better diet. Meds? He thinks I need medication? I’m not THAT bad, I thought.

So I didn’t fill the prescription that day. No, I am *not* the type who needs to be medicated. That is just silly. I will get through this on my own.

Scott works from home Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, the same days Kendall goes to school. Mondays and Fridays had been a struggle for me for the last few months leading up to my diagnosis. I have both kids to take care of and no help. I know, cue the world’s smallest violin. Stay At Home Mom has to care for 2 kids by herself 2 days a week. It’s a rough life.

But for me, with all of this going on, that truly was an enormous task. I dreaded Mondays and Fridays.

On that Friday after the anxiety attack and diagnosis, we had a particularly rough day. I don’t remember why I was so on edge, but I spent most of the day yelling, pacing, stressing, and beating myself up. Kendall went to timeout more times than I can count.

At a point in the afternoon, when I was rocking Leyna to sleep for her nap, shortly before Scott was supposed to get home, I had a conversation with myself that I will never forget. And it was a life changer.

And it takes a fucking ton of courage for me to type this and let you all in on this. It’s a big reason why it’s taken me so long to publish this post. Please offer me some grace and understanding.

As I rocked my baby, I looked at her and I reflected on how stressed and angry I was… with everyone…. for everything. And I thought, “Jill, if you don’t get help, you’ll be one of those moms on the news one day. You’ll snap. Maybe not today or next month, but this is a bad road you’re on, and you can’t get yourself off without help.”

When Scott walked in the door from work, I looked at him with tears in my eyes and told him I needed him to watch the kids because I needed to run an errand.

“Just a minute. I need to do something first,” he said.

“NO. WHEN I SAY I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE, I MEAN RIGHT NOW. RIGHT. NOW. NOT IN 5 MINUTES. RIGHT. FUCKING. NOW.” I shouted.

Then I grabbed my keys, and drove to Walgreens. I picked up a bottle of Zoloft.

Yes, as it turns out, I am the “type” who needs it.

I Knew I Was Getting Better When…

I’m not going to lead you all to believe that I took some magic pills and suddenly everything was rainbows and kittens. I’ve had good days, and I’ve had really bad days.

Right after I started the Zoloft, there were some very, very bad days that made me want to give up taking medication altogether. But, the doctor and others had warned me that that was how it would go, and to stick with it.

It took a couple weeks and a change in my dosage, but I’m finally at the point where I have more good days than bad.

Immediately after starting the meds, I noticed I suddenly had patience. I could sit there and let my 3 year old try to put on his own clothes and not get so annoyed at the 2.5 minutes it was taking him. I could laugh at the silly things he did instead of getting annoyed by their minor inconvenience. I started referring to my meds as my “patience pills.”

We went to the pumpkin patch the day after I started taking them, and I remember saying to Scott that I couldn’t remember the last time I had so much fun. I had a smile so big that whole day that my face hurt that night.

Possibly the biggest change for me, the one that hurts the most to notice, is the connection I have with Leyna now. After starting meds, she suddenly felt… real to me. I don’t know how else to describe that. She felt more warm, more alive, more a part of me. I wanted to hold her. I wasn’t just rocking her as a means to get her to sleep so I could have some silence. I rocked her to sleep and then rocked her some more, and I apologized to her while she slept in my arms.

“I am so sorry. You deserved such a better mother. You WILL have a better mother. I WILL be a better mother.”

Another difference? I’m now able to fully take a deep breath. I mean, not a ragged, quick, heart-pounding one. If that makes sense.

I’m still irritable at times. I still lose it on occasion, but I suspect that’s more to do with me being human and not a Fembot. I wake up most days with anxiety for no apparent reason, but then I take my pill and am usually good to go shortly after.

I hate that it took me so long to get help. I hate that I missed out on so much bonding with Leyna, and I know Kendall’s attitude and aggression are a direct correlation to the anxiety he was sensing from me, and how I reacted to him.

I don’t know how long it will take me to correct all that, but I know I owe it to both of them to get better. They deserve so much more than a mom who’s constantly yelling and counting down the minutes until bedtime.

To read more about my postpartum anxiety diagnosis, go here and here.

Go here for more info on living with postpartum depression.

 

188 thoughts on “I Knew I Needed Help When… #PostpartumAnxiety”

  1. I know it takes a ton of courage for you to talk about this, seeing as how the internet has a way of being a giant a-hole lots of the time. But I also know that you’ll get a lot of support for speaking out about how you were feeling. A lot of women are where you are, and I make it my job as a doula to help my clients recognize and get help for these things, and to know they’re not alone. For me personally, however, the more people I see talk/write about it, the more I think, “No, that’s not me at all.” I think I have postpartum Rage-Against-The-Machine or something, but that’s not even postpartum, that’s been all my life (it’s just gotten worse postpartum). But I know things aren’t exactly as they should be. My problem is that I can’t figure out if All-Things-As-They-Should-Be is even possible for any normal human being who’s doing all the things I’m doing. And I come from a family of headcases, so this might just be my “normal.” Who knows. But before I hijack your comments, I’ll sit and ruminate on whether I can, or even want to, write a post about what I’ve been feeling. I think it’s just all too jumbled in my mind to even make sense to others (which might be why you waited until things became clearer to you before you started talking about it out loud.)

    I’m glad you’re feeling better, and enjoying LL Cool K more.

  2. Oh Jill, I’m so happy you’re doing better on the medication. As you know, I am a HUGE advocate for letting people know that taking medication DOES NOT mean you are psycho or a bad mom. Sometimes our brains don’t work correctly and sometimes you need medication to correct the problem from getting worse.

    It’s amazing the difference you see on meds and off. I have struggled with being on different medications for mental illness for 17 long years. Sometimes they work and sometimes they don’t. I’m constantly having to switch meds and dosages to stay stable. But it’s WORTH it for my family. They notice when I’m a better mommy. And they deserve a better mommy.

    You’re a good mom, but even more so a STRONG woman for finally coming to terms with anxiety and what it does to you. You’re figuring it out and getting help and that right there is the biggest step in getting well 🙂

  3. I’ve gone through the same thing, the intrusive thoughts were the worst for me. The more anxiety I had the more intrusive thoughts I had and vice versa. It was a viscous cycle. What made me realize I need help was thinking about jumping out of the car going 70 miles an hour on central. I also take and antidepressant as well as acupuncture. My son is almost 2 and I have just started feeling like myself again after taking meds for about a year. It just took months of trial and error and finding the right dose. I think it’s amazing for you to share your story because it helps other mothers know that they are not alone. Thanks for sharing.

  4. Jill,

    Reading your post has me almost crying here at work. I could have written the same thing as you. I thought that maybe it was just the fact that I’m working two jobs, 14 hours a day, and still trying to be a mom to a 9 month old and a three year old, and somehow, once in awhile, trying to be a wife…but I think its more than that. There are days where I can barely catch my breath I’m so anxious, not to mention I feel like the worst, most non-patient mother of all time.

    I think I need help.

    That you for writing this so I could recognize that I at least need to talk to someone.

    Bev

  5. thank-you so much for writing this, for sharing this. it hits home in a way i have not wanted to admit to many people, and it feels so reassuring to know other people are going through this, too. my experience is so similar–i didn’t want to admit that i needed some help, or something, and then when i finally did it’s like i suddenly had patience & big smiles & i wondered why the heck i waited so long to take a step towards the positive. it’s like your fuse has been extended, right? like your life is no longer a constant burning-the-candle-at-both-ends experience. i’m right there with you. thanks for having the guts to put it in print.

  6. “The rational in my mind? That my life was going TOO good. I have too many blessings. I’ve had too easy a road. Something bad was bound to happen to me. It’s just a matter of time.”

    Ugh. This is me word-for-word. It doesn’t overtake me, but it’s in the back of my mind.

    So glad you got the help that you needed and that you’re sharing your story.

  7. I suffered postpartum depression after my 4th child, so i can relate. Medication is a good thing. Be careful with zoloft because it is not really for anxiety. It can work for some, but if you are noticing you are not getting relief from the anxiety within 6 wks of starting, you might need to change meds. I have several friends who were put on zoloft for anxiety and it did nothing but make them feel like zombies. I was on lexapro for 3 yrs and just recently got off. they are a great blessing when you need them….the meds. don’t feel weak. if you had a vitamin deficiency, you would take a vitamin, right? that’s how i look at the mental meds. the kids screw up our brains and they are missing something. 😉

    i have enjoyed reading your blog and your frankness & humor. 🙂

    Nicole

  8. As the others have said, thanks for being brave and sharing your experience. It is so important to bring it out of the shadows, and give voice to the experience so that others can be brave and seek help and answers for themselves and their own little ones.

  9. Jill I am sitting here crying. I am so so proud of you. I know this is hard to write, and I know it’s hard to live through, and I know it’s hard to remember…but I hope that someone else can read this and realize that their misery isn’t just who they are, it doesn’t have to define them, it can change and things can go back to normal. For all the horrible things that people use the internet for, educating and being an advocate {even if that’s not what you ever planned on being} about something this serious is what balances it out. Ying and yang. You know I am horrible at comments when I am feeling very emotional.

  10. Ugh. Girl. I’m on Zoloft so that I DON’T cry anymore and now I’m crying after reading this. Thanks A Lot!

    Kidding, sort of, but you know…I’ve had a shitty week. It was a hard decision to stay on Zoloft for this pregnancy. There are risks to this baby for me being on meds, but the effects of anxiety and depression on him weigh equally according to my docs. Yet still, this pregnancy has been HARD. I was sick again for just about the first 20 weeks. It’s pretty hard not to be depressed when you’re exhausted, nauseas, stressed and have a 3yr old who’s out to make the simplest of tasks impossible. I swear that I need stronger meds at this point, but I refuse. 3 more months and we’ll see how I feel.

    Still, it sucks. Hmmm…turns out I have nothing helpful to say! Thank you for sharing, though. Hearing other’s people’s stories is the best way to open up and know that you’re not alone. <3

  11. This is such an important topic. Thank you for taking the time to share your story and opening the door for others to talk about it. By putting yourself out there you’ve helped numerous women. I’m glad that you are finding your way through.

  12. You’re a good, strong egg for writing this and sharing it with us. I’m so glad you’re noticing improvements and are enjoying life a lot more now!

  13. I’ve never commented before, but I just wanted to say that I love your blog. While I feel that I could have written MANY of the same posts as you (as a SAHM mom of two boys, ages 3 and 1) nothing has really struck home with me the same way that your posts about postpartum anxiety have. I feel a lot of the same things that you have. A complete lack of patience with my 3 year old, not feeling bonded to my 1 year old, and some weird anxiety about my teeth falling out. (I know, WTH?!?) Anyway, I’ve been trying to do this without medication for too long, and I think it’s finally time that I do something.
    Thank you for helping me see that my children DO deserve a better mother.

  14. Thank you so much for sharing this. I nodded all the way through. I’m only a week into starting meds and still at the ugly-side-effect stage. Still having more bad days than good. Still feeling completely crazy. But this resonated with me in such a good way and gave me hope. Thank you so much for sharing the honest truth of it. It means so much more than I can tell you.

    –Trish

  15. Thank you, thank you, thank you for sharing your story. I know it takes courage (courage I don’t really have) I have experienced many of the same feelings and thoughts you write about. I also didn’t want to need meds, but I do. I held onto the prescription for a few weeks before filling it, and had the bottle a few weeks before taking it.
    Thank you for continuing to bring awareness to this important topic.

  16. I’ve been trying to tell my husband I think I might have anxiety, and I haven’t had the courage to tell him my biggest fear: that I too could be the mom on the news. I think I”m just going to show him your post. Thank you.

  17. Thank you for writing this. For sharing your pain and your path as you heal. A friend of mine shared this with me on FB and I couldn’t stop myself from clicking on it and reading. (Thanks, Alena.) But what I really want to say is thank you for waking me up again. Alena is the one who helped me realize what was going on with me and showed me that my life didn’t have to stay stuck in this cycle. I have been walking my own path to heal my mind, body, and spirit for a while but I felt stuck again. I have been “losing it” more with my kids lately and kicking myself when I do. Thanks for reminding me that the yelling, the fear, and the frustration are not “normal” and I don’t have to live with them! I can keep healing and keep learning to love my children! My youngest is four and I feel as though I have missed a lot because I deal with so much in me but this last year has been a time of hope! I have relationships with my kids now. I know them for who they were created to be and I do NOT want to let that go! Anyway, thank you!

  18. Thank you for having the courage to write this, but above all that…thank you for believing in yourself. For believing that you could be more, be better, be whole and then doing something about it! What a powerful message for those who are reading who have been through, are in or just beginning to walk the path that you have.

  19. Jill,

    I had some issues with major irritability and anxiety after my first child was born….I am expecting number 2 end of February. (I must be nuts!) Anyhow, I went to a compounding pharmacy and had a full hormonal profile done. They checked everything – thryoid, adrenals, DHEA, Estrogen, Testosterone, Progesterone and a few others. Turns out a lot of my levels were in the toilet. I began supplementing some of those hormones and felt SO much better. I would recommend this to you as well, as pregnancy has a way of depleting essential hormones and it’s tough to get them back. I am wondering if there isn’t an underlying issue like depleted Progesterone/Estrogen making you feel that way. A lot of your symptoms sound like there is something going on there. It’s always worth a shot to seek answers and I commend you for doing so and sharing you story with others. I think there are many mothers who feel the same way and they are just trying to ‘power’ through it.

    Good luck on your journey to wellness. 🙂

    Krysie

  20. When I first started taking meds for my own “chemical imbalance”, I sat at the counter in my kitchen staring at the bottle and the tiny little white pills inside. Such a little thing. So easy to swallow. Incredibly difficult to accept that they could help to “fix” me. Illogically bothering to believe that I needed them. I understand completely your aversion to filling the script right away. I took mine for years and they made me a better me. The ones I took I can’t have while breastfeeding, but I look forward to going back on them when my son is weaned.

    It is incredibly difficult to come out and talk about these types of medications., but the more we talk about it, the more others will find it acceptable to seek the help that they need.

    You are brave.

  21. This is such a honest post and an important topic for other Moms to read. Thank you for sharing!

    When breastfeeding wasn’t working the way I had hoped after going back to work, I stressed. I beat myself up over it that I wasn’t a good Mom. I visited a “crazy doctor” (as my husband refers to her) when my daughter turned 1 (finally!) and started Prozac shortly after. We’ve adjusted my prescription and added a low dose of Wellbutrin since but it’s so wonderful to feel like a normal human being again. I’m enjoying my daughter more. I’m enjoying my marriage, work, friends and life; and I’m dealing with less than optimal situations with so much more patience now. Who cares if it takes a little medication!

    You’re doing an amazing job! SAHM is the toughest job there is. That’s why I work fulltime!

  22. So very proud of you for writing this. Tears in my eyes because it’s all too familiar. I’m also on Zoloft, and it’s been a life-changer … especially in my connections to my kids. So glad you’re feeling better. THANK YOU for sharing this! You’ll never know how many women your words will help. xo.

  23. Thank you for sharing something so personal.

    For anyone who asked you that question – Go get screened already! If you even have the passing thought of “Is this bad enough to be PPA or maybe I’m just tired?” then go get screened already,

  24. Oh hun!! I know that conversation! I know it all too well. It was that conversation that led me to realize I needed to take our middle daughter and get her evaluated. To know once and for all what was wrong. Because if I knew what was wrong maybe we could get help. Or at least I could come to terms with what it was. And I could give myself permission to take a break. I’m sorry you have felt this way. The worst part of these feelings is how alone they make us feel. As if no one understands. As if we are the only ones. Big ((HUGS)) to you!!

  25. And I know you know this, but the “type” of person who needs meds is simply a person. We are one large, walking chemical reaction factory. Any of those reactions can go awry, whether you need more insulin, iron, B6, or whatever. There is no personal triumph in being in balance – you might as well feel smug about all the hard work you put into the color of your eyes. So there should be no shame in being out of balance.

  26. i so completely admire you as a woman, wife and mom for not only recognizing a problem and taking the initiative to help yourself, but also for your honesty here. THESE WORDS ARE GOING TO HELP PEOPLE, jill. i know it must have been really scary to post them for all to see, but seriously? it’s so badass of you. this might sound weird, but i’ve honestly never had a higher opinion of you than i do right now!! i hope that your anxiety continues to wane, and i know you’ll have many more days to look forward to that end with your face being sore from smiling so much. (:

    XOXO!

  27. Thank you. The reason I started reading this blog was that you offer such a true, real version of parenting. This is rare. It seems for every real offering in a blog forum there is a long list of comments that are harsh and cruel to say the least. I never read these in your forums, so perhaps your readers recognize the same thing I do, that honest parenting helps us all to be that which we are always striving for, to be the best parent we can.
    Reading this today is especially helpful. I too started Zoloft about a month ago, likely around the same time. I have noticed a night and day difference. Almost overnight, to the extent that I wondered if I was experiencing placebo effects… But now I know it is actually helping. Following the birth of my second daughter, when my first was 22 months old, I would struggle constantly. I had a short fuse. I reacted to my kids in ways I never wanted to, especially my older daughter. This went on for a long time, feeling like something was wrong with me but not knowing where to begin… Then I started having numbness in my forehead when I was upset, a result of constant anxiety. A month later, “I knew I was getting better when” I had no more numbness, had more patience, was more willing to say yes than no to these little people and their requests. I feel like a better parent. I enjoy them more and try and take the challenges in stride, made easier with zoloft!!! 🙂
    So, thank you! It does take courage to share, but its so refreshing to find an honest voice that will offer something that allows us all a little more room to breathe and be kind to ourselves.
    All the best to you and yours.

  28. Thank you for writing this. I lost my 1st son last February and now have my 2nd son who I adore. I’ve had some really bad cases of anxiety, but for the most part I’ve had it under control. Or that’s what I thought. Reading this about the getting frustrated quickly and rocking to get some quiet time has been the push to call my dr about PPA.

  29. I hate you right now. Not because you are on medication, or because you have anxiety, but because I do too. I was diagnosed with PPD when my daughter was 15 months old and I was 6 months pregnant with #3. It had been an extremely difficult 15 months and after weighing the “risks”, my doctor and I decided that I needed to be on medication too. Zoloft. 20mg. After #3 was born, I took them for a few months and then felt like things were getting better for me so I stopped taking them. Bad idea. You think I would have learned from growing up with a bipolar mother that stopping meds is just not a good idea. You are better because you have meds, not because you’re better. I knew I wasn’t ALL better, I knew that I still struggled with PPD but I wanted to make it on my own. I thought I could make it on my own.

    And now I’m sitting here reading your blog and you’re describing me. The impatience? Me. The anxiety that either myself or my children are going to have cancer tomorrow? Me. The rage? Me. The thought that I won’t kill my kids TODAY because I’m MOSTLY sane? Me. And I’ve been ignoring it again.

    I want to have my patience pills back but I’m afraid of what that means. Will I always have to be medicated? Am I…GASP…Crazy? Perhaps, but I really probably should be back on that medication so that I don’t actually go crazy.

    Thanks for writing about me today. I guess I needed the reminder.

  30. Awesome, awesome post. I absolutely admire you for sharing the nitty gritty. It’s in that that others can recognize some of themself in what you suffered/are suffering.
    Have you considered adding therapy to the medication? I did some therapy to help with my anxiety and it helped a TON… I am a (very common) type of person who puts unnecessary pressure on myeslf and learning NOT to do that has been invaluable. Simple ideas but it has taken a lot of hard work changing my ingrained thought processes to put the simple techniques into use.
    Please don’t interpret this as saying you don’t need medication… I just mean that I think therapy can be a vital supplement to the rest of your treatment. Absolute best wishes on your journey to health.

  31. Hi Jill – thanks so much for writing about your struggle with postpartum anxiety. I’m not a mommy, but I do take Zoloft for bipolar disorder. You writing about your “patience pills,” which I like to call the generic “happy pills,” is a great step forward toward the public’s acceptance of those of us that get the “crazies” from time to time. It can happen to any of us, and it happens to more of us than are willing to talk about it. Anyone who is willing to break through the stigma of mental illness and announce it to the world is, IMHO, pretty awesome.

  32. Thank you so much for posting this entry and for sharing something so deeply personal. I had significant post partum anxiety following the birth of my daughter and I remember feeling some of the exact things you described here. Leaving the house to run errands was an impossible task because how could I possibly get myself dressed, dress the baby, pack a diaper bag, track down my wallet and keys and then have any energy left over to actually get out and accomplish something!? I felt stress beyond stress, frustrated, alone. I am glad to say that my daughter is 14 months old and I am doing much better. But this is a topic that needs to be discussed more openly! I had no idea what I was experiencing until I sought help. We need to let mamas everywhere know that anxiety and depression after having a baby are so common in our culture and it’s ok to talk about it instead of hiding from it! Thank you again for sharing. It was a powerful read.

  33. Thank you so much for writing this. Truly.

    Because I am the EXACT same way. I too had convinced myself I had leukemia when my WBC kept coming back low and I couldn’t gain weight. Stress and anxiety are bitches that ruin our lives. You have so much strength to take the meds. I have yet to take that plunge. It doesn’t help that we lost insurance (meaning I lost my awesome therapist). Oh well, I guess cake will have to replace Zoloft for me in the mean time!

    Bravo for your courage!!! It means more than you know!

  34. Thank you for writing this. I think it is really interesting that your blog has received so much traffic lately for the elf on a shelf contest at the same time as you are posting about postpartum anxiety. Think of all the new readers that will come across (and benefit from) this information now due to the naughty elf. I think it is awesome. Thanks again

  35. Thank you for being brave enough to write this. I’m struggling with similar feeling to what you are describing and your post is giving me hope that it can be better.

  36. Thank you so much for being so brave. I’m probably having a real hormonal day but it brought tears to my eyes, tears of happiness for you. For taking that needed step for yourself, for your family, for your babies.
    PPA/PPD is talked about often enough but no one really knows what it’s like on the inside, what to watch and look for and I hope with you writing about it and getting the help you need, telling others about what really clued you in, what triggered you, maybe others can and will get the help they need as well. You are so strong. Thank you, for being strong and being able to talk about what you are going through. You are such an amazing woman and an inspiration.

  37. I know exactly what you mean when you say you felt like you could breathe again. That’s the biggest difference for me with my antenatal depression. When I take a deep breath, it feels like it actually goes deep down and I can relax.

    I am so glad you reached out for help, and can relate to everything you wrote, especially about the anger. The rage was devastating for me. I was always worried that I would lose my temper and do something tragic in the heat of the moment. Meds have made all the difference. I wish I hadn’t fought taking them as long as I did, but I try to jus be grateful for where I am now.

    Huge huge to you.

  38. Oh my. I just read this post to my husband. It was SO familiar, and I had struggled to even share with him the extent of my anxiety. I, too, thought I had cancer (like 10 different times). After a CAT scan and therapy, I eventually decided to take the Prozac. My babies deserve better. I deserve better,

    THANK YOU for giving words to a debilitating experience.

  39. Thanks so much for writing this, Jill. Anxiety is awful. Debilitating. I had severe PPA with Taylor, and mine spiraled out of control until I was eventually hospitalized. It takes a lot of courage to get help, and sharing this with your readers can help so many. Cheers to the road to recovery!

  40. Thank you (and others) who open up and write about this topic. It’s important for women to know that it doesn’t have to be something to fear. One can be helped. It can get better.

  41. It’s not an easy post to type. It couldn’t have been easy to have that conversation with yourself, but you got the help you needed to feel better and be a better mother. I think your honesty is wonderful. No one wants to read about puppies shitting glitter, it’s the real stuff that draws us in. And this was a very real moment and I’m glad you shared it.

  42. Jill, I have been take Cymbalta for anxiety since august and I am amazed at the turn around in my life. I am a better mother and wife now. I had no idea how much I had been struggling until I was in for my yearly visit and it all came spilling out to my dr. I wish that I had had the courage to get help sooner but I was affraid of side affects from the meds and from the stigma some people associate with them. I begged my husband not to tell anyone about my problem but as the medicine started to work, I realized how foolish I was being. I freely share my story with friends and family and I am so glad that you are feeling better too. I feel like ME again and that is the best thing I can say. Amanda

  43. I’ve been dealing with anxiety for a long time. Your post has convinced me that I need to get myself in to the doctor – when I read your symptoms, I felt like I was reading something I could have written.

    I just have to work up the courage to make that phone call to the doctor.

  44. For those of you who have taken meds.. how long was it until you felt like you could feel again? I’m on my 9th day of Lexapro and having a really hard one. I’m still having a lot of nasty side effects (shaking, mostly) and still feel like I’m at the bottom of a well of darkness… waves of panic just washing over me all the time. I’m feeling pretty hopeless.

    1. Trish, have you talked to your doctor? I know mine said it could take up to 2 weeks. But not all meds work with everyone. You may need to switch. It took me about a week of feeling like that, then another couple weeks off and on. Hang in there.

      1. I haven’t talk to her yet this week. I’m also battling blood pressure issues (I had preeclampsia, I’m 4.5 weeks postpartum.) so we’ve been having to deal with that on top of everything else, too.
        She said the side effects should improve in about a week.. and they’re not as bad as they were a week ago, but still not great.
        I felt like I was getting a little better, but then today was so awful again..
        Maybe I just need to be more patient. I just hate feeling like this.

        1. If it’s any comfort, sometimes I’ll go for days, or a week feeling great. Then, out of nowhere, I’ll have a horrible day. Hopefully tomorrow is much better for you.

        2. Trish,

          I took Lexapro and it took me two solid weeks to start to feel normal again. Keep taking it and hang in there. I know it is SO hard. Another thing I did was I was sure to take it in the morning, if you take it too late at night you will not be able to sleep. my email is canda0722@gmail.com. If you ever need to ask me anything please feel free to contact me.
          Amber

    2. Trisha,

      It takes 4-6 weeks for the meds to build up in your system and be at full effect. Hang in there. You should start feeling better within a week or so. I know how hard it is. I was on Lexapro for 3 yrs and just recently weaned off of it. It is a great med. If you are not feeling better by week 3-4, talk to your Dr. Lexapro might not be the med for you. It took me 3 different meds to find the right one for me. If you need any support or questions, I would be happy to be there for you. 🙂

      1. Thank you, Nicole. I really do appreciate the support.
        Maybe I do need to be more patient.
        I should mention that I’m also nursing, so some of my choices are limited. I’d have given my left arm for a Xanax tonight but that’s off limits.
        I was on Paxil years (10+) ago, which is okay for nursing, so if the lexapro doesn’t work, I’ll ask about that. But Paxil also gave me hives when I first started taking it (they went away after a round of zyrtec) so if I can avoid adding more side effects to what I’m feeling, I’d like to do that, too.

        1. Yeah. I was worried because I had trouble finding a lot of info on it when I was looking it up myself. I had assumed it would be zoloft or paxil (and could find lots of info about their transfer reates in breastmilk and serum levels in babies) but I asked both my pharmacist and a good friend who is a pharmacist and was assured it was fine.
          The biggest concern is that it may make the babies a little sleepy and not feed as well.
          That freaked me out a lot because my now 3yo had a LOT of feeding trouble (he was a micropreemie) and I couldn’t go that route again.
          But my daughter had a check up today and is gaining like gangbusters, so it seems like she’s doing okay. I’m definitely watching closely, though.

    3. I’ve been taking various anti-depressants for the better part of 10 years (for non-postpartum anxiety/depression). Two weeks is the “norm,” but if you feel like things are consistently that bad, talk to your doctor asap. It’s important to remember that the meds are altering your brain & body chemistry, and that, like any other medication, a particular drug/dosage might not be the right one for YOUR body. And if there’s any failing, it’s on the part of the medication– it’s not something you’re doing (or not doing)!

      1. Thank you Linz.
        i’m trying to remember that there are other options. It just feels like if this isn’t working, nothing will. I try to recognize that my thinking is screwy so the hopelessness is in my MIND and not reality, but it sure feels real.

    4. Ditto on the two weeks. Ive been on an anti depressant for 5 years or so. Now, after the birth of my second son, drs said no, can’t take it while BF. After six months, I started them again BC I was truly losing it. Still BF at 10 months and w a 2 yr old, I have had so many of these days. I wanted u to know u are not alone. I am actually thinking of asking dr after all these years if I need a change. Anxiety will trick u into the old pattern of blaming u. It’s not u, its chemistry. Chin up…talk to ur dr. He will tell u what u should do. Always communicate even when it shard to utter the feelings u feel BC only then can he help u to the correct therapy or medication. Hope this helps a bit

    5. I took Lexapro a few years ago and I think it was about 2 weeks before it started to kick in. It really helped with my anxiety and with feeling less stressed. Good luck!

      1. thank you, Jenn-O. today was a better day. The side effects were calmer and I was able to think straight for a good part of the day.
        I actually caught myself a little off guard this morning when my 3 year did something cute and I actually laughed. Not fake-laughed, but really laughed and felt joy. I actually froze in place because I thought “wow, that hasn’t happened in a while.”

        1. thanks, Jill. It did mine, too.
          And thanks for letting me bog up your comments with my own personal crisis.
          Someone commented on my blog that you had tackled this topic recently and boy and I glad I came looking..

  45. I’m so glad you are doing better and that you got help. I believe that women, or anyone should not drive the stigma that they “don’t need meds” that they “aren’t the type to need meds”. I think it’s unfortunate you thought this way and that society feels the same.

    I went through a very severe episode with PPD and anxiety. Reading your story about thinking something was cancer resonated with me because I believed I had knee cancer when 4 months postpartum because it hurt. I was convinced! Thinking back, I must have gone to the doctor 15 times in about the span of 8 months for things that weren’t “real” but in my mind they were real.

    It’s a scary and, often times, very lonely place to be since no one seems to be able to relate. Hopefully your husband is understanding and supportive. My husband wasn’t educated in PPD or anxiety so he was at a loss for what to do.

    Good luck to you!

  46. I can’t even tell you how much I needed to see right now. I recently was diagnostic with the same thing and have been on Zoloft for 3 weeks. I’m feeling a little better each day (with the occasional “bitch” moments) but I feel like I’m finally figuring out how to stay balanced/calm with every obstacle that comes my way. It’s not a perfect science, but I feel like I’m getting my life back together and enjoying what’s going on around me WHEN it’s going on around me. I’m feeling hopeful and I haven’t felt that in awhile….so i think that’s a good place to start 🙂
    Thank you for sharing 🙂

  47. I can relate SOOOO much to this article! And I have been thinking lately that I probably need to adjust my meds again. Being a Bipolar and a SAHM is not easy by any means. I truly admire you for posting about this very sensitive issue. Much love and good luck with your “patience pills!” LOL. I know I’m in need of some patience myself.

  48. I could have written (almost) this same post a few years ago. When I turned 23, the anxiety and depression that I’d struggled with for most of my life came to a head. I had visions of awful, violent things happening to my loved ones, and I am so glad I didn’t have children yet, because I don’t even want to think about having gone through the anger issues with them. Instead, I took out my frustration and anger on my poor dog and husband. I’ve been on Zoloft for almost 6 years now, and it helped me get through PPD/A after my son was born almost 4 years ago. Thankfully I haven’t had any major episodes since my daughter was born in April of this year. Zoloft has allowed me to maintain an even keel. It’s my stabilizer. I hope you can find your balance, and that you won’t have to be on it as long as I have been.

  49. I wish I had read a post like this 3 years ago. I struggled with PPD after the birth of my twins and I relate to SO MUCH of what you said. It took me such a long time to admit I couldn’t do it all, and that there was something else sabotaging my efforts at everything. I believe you did such service to so many women by putting your story out there.

  50. Thank you for sharing Jill. It’s never easy to admit when we need help & it’ll only get better from here. I have suffered from panic disorder for 11 years & was just as reluctant as you where to take meds but I’ve come to realize that I need them just like I need my thyroid medication. My doctors made an effort to help me avoid postpartum issues & I’m very grateful to them for doing it. I missed out on breastfeeding but my midwife didn’t want me to be anymore stressed than I needed to be. At the time it was hard for me to except but now I’m ok w/ it & know I did what was best for my child & myself. Hang on and things will get better. You are a strong women who can overcome this.

  51. Jill, thank you for sharing your story. I suffered from awful anxiety and depression after having my daughter, particularly when I went back to work. I couldn’t walk into my school without having a full on panic attack, couldn’t talk to my students, couldn’t teach. I felt so alone because everyone just kept telling me how they had no trouble returning to work and what was wrong wig me? When my principal called me into her office and threatened not to renew my contract, I knew I needed help. I went on depression and anti-anxiety meds and it made a world of difference. I was able to wean off of them after a year or so but now that I’m expecting again I’m terrified of going down the same road, but at least this time I know the signs and I know there’s help out there. And I know I’m not alone!

  52. Thank you for writing this. It was very brave and I think a story that needs to be told. I went through the same thing with my son. I went for 8 months hating everything and everyone, crying all the time, sitting on the floor wishing it was bedtime so I could not be “on” anymore. I remember the time I had enough…I flipped out on my husband about something minor and he said that if I didn’t get help our relationship was going to be destroyed and I knew that was him begging me for help. I made an appt that day and got on zoloft a few days later and I swear it was the best thing I could have done for myself and my family. I wasted 8 months not enjoying motherhood. I’ll never get that back but I can enjoy every second going forward. And I have. So thank you for making me feel like I’m not crazy for going through this!

  53. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I never really knew there was such a thing as PPA until recently (thanks to Twitter!). I’m so glad Amanda Austin tweeted this post and that I came by to read. I am in a similar situation—I have twins and just had a baby 7 weeks ago. And this time around, I have serious anxiety plus PPD but have been better about asking for help. I am taking Cymbalta, but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I’m also having complications from delivery, which sucks b/c I think if I was phsyically all healed up, I’d be handling things better. Or that is the lie I tell myself?

    Anyway, thank you again. SO MUCH.

  54. Until now I thought my failures at breastfeeding—only 3 months between 2 kids—was the absolute worst thing that could happen to me. But reading this makes me feel so bad for thinking that. I have had no issues with depression and anxiety. And even though I have mostly bottle fed my children because of mastitis and other issues, I can honestly say I enjoyed my time with them as infants. I assumed breastfeeding moms automatically had a better experience than me, but your posts have really opened my eyes. I think you are so brave for writing this, and it is so sad that women wait to get help. It seems we live in a society that looks down on any supposed signs of weakness. My mom has panic attacks and takes medication for it. She is always apologizing for it. We as a society should be so much more accepting than we are. Hopefully that will change as more brave people speak out!

  55. Hi Jill.

    I just have to tell you how much I admire you for posting this. I cried big ‘ol crocodile tears reading it because I’ve been there. I’m probably well back to my way there (I am now 8 days post-partum and absolutely terrified). I worry every day that my life is far too blessed, that one day my babies will get sick. The panic sets in daily over different things and it nearly paralyzes me. I completely related to the comment about feeling like your kids deserved a better mommy. I”m right there, too.

    Anyway, thank you for sharing this. Thank you so much. I have a little more hope that this is not permanent and things will get better. I’m so glad that you’re doing better-I’m here cheering you on like crazy, mama.

  56. Jill, thank you for sharing your truths with all of us. You are going to help a lot of women out there by sharing your story. I’m sure it was hard to write, my heart ached for you to read it, but each story that comes out from behind closed doors allows us to really tackle this issue. Thank you for that!

  57. Thank you for sharing this. My only kid is almost 18 months and things have not being going well with me, but your post finally brought home the more subtle things that are wrong, that have felt wrong, but that I could not lay a finger on. Whether it’s anxiety or something else, I’ve taken the first step towards getting some help: admitting there is something not right. So thank you, again. And go you for getting the help!!

  58. I had it pretty bad with my daughter back in ’07. My husband was concerned, I was so afraid we would get into a car accident, I went out and immediately spent $1300 on brand new car seats for all the kids.

    And it seems, it’s happening again, except this time, I’m still pregnant. 29 weeks. And this week hasn’t been a good week. And I really don’t want to take anything while pregnant, and risk harming the baby, so I really don’t know what to do.

  59. Thank you. I read one of your posts just over 2 weeks ago. I made an appointment with my Dr that day and have been on Viibryd for 13 days now. I have felt a lot of the same things you’ve described. But a little less anxiety mixed with OCD and depression. After I started my meds I too felt like I had more patience and connected better to my almost 3 month old son and my almost 5 yr old daughter. Its hard. I’ve always been so angry all my life, to now know thats not how normal people feel makes me happy I can hopefully be a better mom. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

  60. I just have to tell you… I could have wrote this exact post! The saddest part for me is that I didn’t truly enjoy my son and feel that true deep love and connection until I finally got help. By then he was already 7 months old! I feel like I missed out on 7 months… but I know I am getting better because our bond now is so much stronger than it was before facing my PPD.

  61. This was SO nice to read. It is always so nice to know you are not alone in this scary and trying time in life- crazy that it is also an amazing time in our lives. I just had my 2nd baby in Oct. and although everything went to smoothly and he is a perfect little babe I still can’t shake the nervous stomach anxiety feeling. I obsess over it and it plagues me everyday. After waiting a few weeks hoping it would go away I finally told my dr at my 6 week. She prescribed Zoloft and I began taking it. I started off only taking half of the pill because I was nervous but for the past 3 weeks I have been taking the whole 50mg pill. I had some really good days but lately I feel the nervous stomach creeping back in again. I was wondering what your dosage is?? I wonder if I need more than 50mg……I was hoping I didn’t and am trying to give it more time to settle in- I know they say 4-8 weeks.

  62. Jill,
    I just re-read this post from your post today. I am so proud that you choose to write messages like this to everyone. I keep these things you write in my head as reminders for how this mom-thing really is. Like this post. And the one that linked to the noble peace prize winner who wrote about the kids in the cars. So sad. But these are the issues that are real, that can happen to any of us.
    There are a million here’s-me-and-my-happy-kids-and-our-happy-life blogs that are a waste of time.
    Thank you for your posts.
    Ryanres1

  63. I just ran across this post and can’t thank you enough for writing it. It pretty much sums up exactly how I feel. I have an appointment next week with my doctor and I can’t wait. I finally am admitting there is a problem and it makes me feel hopeful to read your story and know that things can get better. I’m actually looking forward to things changing, thank you thank you!!!!!!

  64. Just started reading your blog (love it!). Loved this: “Another difference? I’m now able to fully take a deep breath. I mean, not a ragged, quick, heart-pounding one. If that makes sense.”

    No one else had ever tried to put that into words before…

  65. Well done. I mean it. It takes so much courage to admit you need help, then even more to write about it, and even more to publish it. I had serious ppd with #1 and just upped my meds after #2 was born in November. I’m getting to the I know I am better when I can enjoy my kids point. Finally.

  66. This is amazing. Thank you so much for sharing this. It really does take a lot of guts to talk about this stuff, because not everyone understands. I dealt with postpartum depression with my son in the winter of 2008— and then, as a single mother, I about lost my mind. Even now, every time a new mom tells me how much she LOVES being a mom to brand new babies, I just remember how awful it was for me, and feel even more awful for not feeling like those “super moms.” Again, thank you so much for sharing your story—- it helps in the healing process to know that what I went through was not a isolated incident, and that lots of other moms feel the same way. <3

  67. I stumbled to your blog through Crappy Pictures today (love the single parent story!) and I don’t know how I ended up clicking on this post, but it was like reading the blog post I’ve never written. I was always an “I-don’t-need-medication” person, too. Especially anti-depressants. I tried just seeing a therapist from my son’s tenth month thru the 18th month, but when I went in crying my brains out about nothing in particular, she said, “I think it’s time you see a doctor about this” and I agreed and went on Zoloft. Six weeks later, I reached the highest/happiest point of motherhood to that date, when my son was finally NINETEEN months old. I only stayed on it for six months because we started trying to get pregnant again, but I immediately noticed my lack of patience again once going off. I’m ten weeks into this pregnancy and HOPING that things are easier the next time around. But, if they are not, I now know it’s ok to give myself the grace to accept help in the form of Zoloft to make it through those tough times when I’m going to rip everyone’s head off and I’m not being the kind and loving person that I know I am. Cheers to you for writing such a deep and personal post to the world. It’s very helpful for other mothers who know that exact same feeling. THANK YOU!

  68. I’m really glad that I came across this post. I have been dealing with this issue for a long time. I’m beginning to think that I’ve always had panic disorder, but I am now 8 months postpartum and I have had a very, very, difficult time with panic attacks, worrying that I have cancer, and etc. I continually think that I’m dying. Everytime I see or feel something that seems abnormal, I get terrified and think the worst. I can’t eat or sleep. I always feel as though my throat is closing. I’m breastfeeding my 8 month old and I am so constantly worried that every time I look at my breast I’ll find something. Last night I noticed a bruising on my breast and it hurts so now of course that has freaked me out. I go in to see the gyn tomorrow and I will tell her about my anxiety and ask for something.

  69. Jill, now I feel like we’re sisters. I never thought I needed help either until a friend noticed the signs and said, “Get to a doctor”. I lost all my baby weight plus 10 pounds in just a few weeks – I was so anxious that I couldn’t read one magazine page because I couldn’t focus. Thanks for writing about this. Great job.

  70. Nice article, explained very well. You can also try some breathing exercises , yoga and meditation.

  71. Thank you for this post. I have been suffering from horrible pp anxiety/ocd. I had anxiety prior to getting pregnant. The anxiety increased with the pregnancy. After my daughter was born I thought is was just being a new mom. Then we moved and I was worried that eveything in out new house was going to harm the baby. I thought chemicals were going to harm her and I stopped using many products put of fear. I became very irritable. I was seeing a therapist but did not want to start medication because I was breast feeding. Even though it is safe, I was afraid of everything! Then I became obsessed that I had a horrible illness such as ALS, brain tumor, you name it I had it. It didnt matter that I am an APRN and my husband is a emergency medicine physician. I was convinced I was going to die. I did not want to be left alone with my daughter. I feared i couldnt take care of her.
    So many other things such as horrible panic attacks. Not being able to drive because of panic attacks.
    I just started on zoloft and xanax last week. Not feeling too much better yet. Of course im afraid of the zoloft and the side effects. Im sticking with it for now because i want to be a mother and wife again.
    Reading the posts here help not feel so scared and isolated.

    1. Oh, Katie. I’m so sorry I’m just now seeing this. I hope the meds are helping you. I’m so glad you got help. That’s a really scary place to be.

  72. I had my second son 3 weeks ago and although I have had anxiety my entire life, it seems like i can’t shut it out anymore. It got down to the point of me shaking all the time, not eating, just basically trying to survive my day. My dr prescribed me Zoloft two weeks ago and I have yet to take it. I kept trying to convince myself that I could make myself better and get back to normal on my own. The anxiety definitely isn’t as extreme as before, but I worry that it will get to that point again. This article made me realize that it might be okay to take Zoloft. I am worried also because it goes into my breast milk and then I will have to wean my son off. But I really want to be the mom my boys deserve.

  73. Thank you thank you thank you for writing this. I’ve been struggling with anxiety my entire life. I had my second son 3 weeks ago and everything that you said, it seems like I could have written it.

  74. I know this post is from so long ago, but I was recently diagnosed with PPA/D about 5 weeks ago, I am 11 weeks PP. My cycle recently returned this past week and sent me into a tailspin and my Dr suggested increasing my dosage of Zoloft. You mentioned that you had a change in your dosage as well. I know everyone is different but I was wondering if you would mind explaining that a bit more for me? Im so scared to need “more” medicine, but I also so badly want to feel normal again.

  75. Thank you for being brave and posting your experience. I’ even a long time reader and just found this post. I just had my third child in January. For the past few months, I’ve convinced myself that the hormones would pass, that things would magically get better on their own. They are not. At all. My symptoms, my experience is strikingly close to what you’ve described. I’m calling my doctor today. I can’t do this along anymore.

  76. Thank you for being so open… I have a lot of the same feelings…. Your story brings tears to my eyes because I have had much of the same feelings…. Glad you are feeling better!

  77. You have no idea how much better this made me feel.. I’m not the only one. After having my 2nd son 6 months ago I got severe post partum anxeity. About 3 days after having him u started obsessively worrying about stuff. First I swore I was going to get a blood clot in my legs from the csection even though I had no factors. I actually went to the er for it. They assured me I was not and gave me some temp anxeity meds. Prozac and low dose xanax were not working. I was so anxious about it that it was all I thought about and actually sat and rocked on the couch. It was scary. Then once I was assured that wasn’t happening I started worrying about my blood sugar. I seen my ob for my 6 week check up. He changed my meds. I take effexor and it really helped. I have my bad days but mostly good. I want another baby in the future but I am too scared to go through that again. I literally thought I was going crazy. Has anyone had pp anxeity withe 1 baby and not the next?

  78. Thank you for sharing this! You sound exactly like me right now. I am also not the type to take meds and actually canceled a RX my doc had sent in because I couldn’t believe she was so quick to hand out an anti depressant. After much research I have an appt. next week to talk to my doc again about anxiety and not depression.

  79. No brand name. They’re made on location (in Ville Saint-Laurent) by the Loblaws bakery department. I remember that I had to bag them myself and write the code on a little tag. That particular store had a binder listing all the ingredients of all their baked goods.I’m not sure if the above is consistent with all Loblaws locations, but it’s worth looking into.

  80. buna ziua , as vrea sa imi spuneti daca se poate ce tratamente sa folosesc ca sa nu imi mai cada genele…..nici macar n ma pot makia ptr ca atunci cand ma demakiez cad in nestire….mentionez ca folosesc doar produse de calitate….ms anticipat

  81. Whether or not Urban Outfitters is to blame, their entire statement becomes irrelevant as they clearly just tried to "shift" the blame. All UO does is rip off designs- they just got called out this time. And, in my opinion, did a poor job writing about it.

  82. On ich tak tylko nazwał. Może niektórym to przeszkadza, gdy mają na zewnątrz domku, (w) ogrodzie elementy które wymieniłeś i są przestawiane?Co do prawdziwie survivalowej gry, grajcie na 1.2 lub niższym, by nie miec łóżka albo go nie używajcie (?).

  83. yes, art (or even Art) does not exist in a vacuum. So what? As an example, some of the best music (in my opinion) was written by a devout Lutheran. As an atheist I have no time at all for his religious position, but am entranced by his church music.

  84. AlltsÃ¥ jag har int läst nÃ¥n bok men sett filmen ska nu börja läsa böckerna.Kommer edward att dö ? och blir bella vampyr ?snälla kan nÃ¥n svara 😀

  85. Thank you for sharing! I have recently come to the conclusion that I have PPA and am finally going to start doing something about it. I teared up when I read the part about the connection with your daughter. I’m really struggling to find a connection with all of my children lately. I’m irritated, anxious and angry all the time. Thanks again for letting us know that it DOES get better. 🙂

  86. So sweet! My 3 year olds are almost 4 and sadly the mispronounced words are fading. My 2 year old is just starting though, he calls sleeping, "beeping" and asks for a special treat by saying "bubble deet, Mommy, bubble deet." I die of cuteness every time. []

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