All Because One Elf Got Drunk

Well, wow. The last 48 hours have been pretty swell. I’ve been slaving for 4 years over posts on this blog about meaningful things like mommy wars and breastfeeding and almost pooping my baby into a toilet, but I post one blog about a cross dressing, drunk elf and I get more traffic in 2 days than my blog, not too long ago, got in a month. Thank you, Jake. Obviously, as Gina pointed out, I now know who my target audience is… parents who want to do bad things with their elves… or something like that.

So, I had this week sort of planned out in my head Sunday night. Today was supposed to be a sort of “off” blogging day so I could do things like clean and grocery shop and tend to my children.

I was just planning on posting this picture of our fireplace mantle, where I hung the Felt Pomp Wreath this year…

I was going to link you back to the wreath tutorial, in case you missed it. We were going to all ooh and ahh at how cute the mantle looks, and how sweet that little collection of framed holiday cards and Santa pics is.

I was also going to ask you guys what to do with our stockings because metal stocking holders with flashy, brightly colored socks hanging from them just scream to small children “PULL ON THE STOCKING SO THIS METAL THING CAN LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL!”

But now? Yeah, that is NO way to follow up on yesterday. Frankly, I have no idea how to follow up on that because, while I am immensely sarcastic and could do funny elf pictures for days, that’s not everything I blog about, and man, I don’t want you new folks to be bored to tears by my inane ramblings about crafts and my paranoia about assaults by stocking holders.

So, 2 things.

1. There will be more elf pictures. I’m working on a 2nd part this weekend.
2. I want to see your Inappropriate Elf pictures. (And by “inappropriate” I do not mean an elf raping, beating, being a racist or anything hateful or disgusting like that…. just so we’re clear. I think the elves should strive to be PG-13.)

Okay, and a 3rd… Lets do like an Inappropriate Elf contest? Ideas? Like, should I do a linkup or something? I am so terrible about organizing that kind of coordinated effort blog crap.

Oh, and a 4th… I’m still going to have to blog about things like how my 3.5 year old now sings to the tune of many Christmas songs, but every word is “poop.” And he thinks he’s hilarious. He’s the funniest person he knows. I can not imagine where he got that trait from. <<<See the sarcasm?

In fact, tomorrow it will be back to business around here with a giveaway, maybe a Mommy Truth, too, but I’m going to work on the Inappropriate Elf collab. this weekend and see what I can come up with. Maybe we can get someone to sponsor it and offer a really awesome prize like an iPad or a years supply of prescription medication? I’m open to suggestions.

  • nicole - Your mantel is very cute. We have our stockings hanging from stocking holders and I just yell “no” and “don’t touch” one million times a day.ReplyCancel

  • Tena - I love your mantle! We also use stocking holders, but we stick them down with those 3M strips so they aren’t really easy to remove, because the weight of the empty stockings alone would pull them off. We didn’t do this when I was pregnant with my son (at Christmas) until the second time I knocked the damn things over and broke one. And I cried. Because that’s what pregnant women do when things go badly. Four years later, and we still stick em down! This also gives me a good idea of where to put our angel.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Why did I never think to stick the actual holder down?! Probably because I was too busy staging a drunk elf. Great idea! And yes, pregnancy and the hormones and, oh honey, I would have cried, too.ReplyCancel

  • Deanna - Eh, I burst out laughing when I imagined jingle bells in the key of poop. The kid might be funnier than you give him credit for :p

    (or maybe the kids who replace every word in a song with poop become the adults who… replace every word in a song with poop.)ReplyCancel

    • Tena - My son does that too. Maybe not with poop, but he definitely substitutes his own words in songs! It’s hilarious. It’s going to take all my willpower not to teach him to sing Jingle Bells with “poop.”ReplyCancel

    • Wendy - I thought that my grandsons were the only kids that did the “sing a song of poop and pee”! Funny and totally age appropriate…for all aged boys I think since my 13 yr old still laughs,snorts and sometimes joins in…and hubby sometimes, ok, most times, makes a joke when he farts. It’s gotta be a male thing.ReplyCancel

  • Meredith - You could either have links left in the comments & random.org it, or you could have people submit their entries, post them on FB, & then have people “Like” their favorite. Most likes = you win. Oh, & maybe you can “fake” an elf, since some of us have a creepy-Elf-phobia & refuse to have one in the house 🙂

    Oh, & “Poop poop poop, poop poop poop, poop poop poop poop poop” (sung to the tune of Jingle Bells – YWIA!).ReplyCancel

  • Mama Bub - For the stockings, use the smallest contact hooks you can find. I used clear ones and they’re pretty much covered by the fabric of the stocking loop.ReplyCancel

  • Jena - I don’t have an Elf, but I wish I did because I have some great ideas… maybe I’ll be buying an Elf at Target tomorrow. After all, I plan to have kids eventually…ReplyCancel

  • Megyn - I was thinking that first picture w/ the drunk, pill-popping Elf was missing a hooker and/or condom wrapper. Just sayin…

    I could think of some REALLY horrible things, but then you’d be getting into Elf porn. You know, unless you want the your blog to get a very interesting audience.ReplyCancel

  • JelloMomma - I put our stockings down low enough that any curious toddler, or 50 year old husband, can look at, try on and otherwise molest as much as they want to. the rule is, if your stocking gets damaged, Santa Momma cannot be held responsible if your items fall out onto the floor and the dog eats them before you wake up on Christmas morn.
    very cute wreath and mantle, btw.ReplyCancel

  • molly - Congrats on the viral post, Jill. When I read it I knew you would be getting a ton of traffic. It was hilarious and this Elf thing really has taken off in popularity. We don’t participate but I could definitely get on board with the bad Elf 😉ReplyCancel

  • Katie - Had to chuckle at the 3.5 year old singing “poop” to Christmas carol tunes… last year, my 3 year old burst into my office and declared that I HAD to come out and dance to this hilarious Christmas song with her. She immediately began to rub her bum back and forth with her hand while dancing. “See, Mom? This song says ‘Rub a bum-bum!” (Pa-rum pa-pum pum). I remember snorting with laughter at the hysterical misinterpretation of such a religious song. Definitely one of those “WHY am I the ONLY adult around???” moments!ReplyCancel

  • Velvet - I’ve been reading your blog for years, and although the inappropriate elf was more than hilarious, I also love the stuff you usually post about. And I’m totally going to attempt to make that wreath, it looks awesome! Keep the 3 year old poop songs, crafty awesomeness, and sarcastic hilariousness coming!

    Or as my 3.5 year old would say, “I very like your blog!”ReplyCancel

  • TheFeministBreeder - “PULL ON THE STOCKING SO THIS METAL THING CAN LEAVE A HOLE IN YOUR SKULL!”

    HAA haa… Yeah. We were about to buy those things at Hobby Lobby last week when they were 50% off, and then in a split second, John and I both looked at each other and said “The children would pull them down and kill themselves.” We DID think of sticking them down too, but 3M doesn’t make a tape that would stop my children from putting holes in their skulls. They’ve got 40 lbs on their side, PLUS their herculean strength, and the determination to cause me a massive heartache so that they can rule the roost.

    So yeah… more posts about elves, please 🙂ReplyCancel

  • Brett - I love the paint effect above your mantle. We might need to try something like that on one wall in our family room because I cannot figure out any sort of wall art that would work there and it looks so sad.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - It’s one of my favorite features of our living room. We used to have a small, square picture in the middle. Then I changed it up and started hanging wreaths there. I LOVE it, and it’s SO easy to accomplish. Well, I guess it’s easy when you have a meticulous husband who’s handy with a level and has immaculate painting skills.ReplyCancel

  • Nina - I’ve just been browsing through your blog and you’ve made me laugh out loud several times. Thanks! We put tiny nails into our mantle (it’s wood) and hook the stockings onto them. Then I make it look like they are being held up by pretty ribbons.ReplyCancel

  • Rachel - What if my elf is R-rated in a hilarious way? I can think of several R-rated elf scenarios that meet your rules…ReplyCancel

  • Dora G. - A few Christmas’s ago I purchased a stocking holder from Kirklands. It’s a stand that you set up maybe in front of the fireplace (we lived in FL at the time) or a wall for people with no mantles. Our daughter just turned 1 so we will be using that and she can pull on the empty stockings all she wants. It’s baby safe so have at it. I LOVE your mantle. Great idea for next year.ReplyCancel

  • Skidette - The solution for stocking hanging that worked for me and my little wrecking ball children is Velcro. You can buy the kind that has adhesive on the back. Stick a strip on the edge of the mantle and the other strip on the back of the top part of the stocking. Strips should be as wide as stocking to support the weight of a full stocking. After the holidays, remove the sticky stuff from the mantle with a bit of rubbing alcohol. Works like a charm!ReplyCancel

  • jill smith - get command adhesive hooks for the stockings, if you dont want the hooks visible put them on the top edge instead of on the front. the top edge would also have gravity on it’s side. the hooks come in gold ,silver,clear, green, & red. of course the larger the hook the more weight it will hold.ReplyCancel

  • Susan - We have no location for stockings and I usually overfill them to the extreme (ie 15lbs of stuff) so we always laid them on the back of the sofa on Christmas eve and then lean then up against the back when filled….ReplyCancel

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