This is normal…
I told myself.
All mothers worry…
I convinced myself.
I’ll get through this…
I thought.
I’m totally fine…
I hoped.
Nearly 2 weeks ago, after many months of anxiety and irritability, peaking with a full-on anxiety attack at the end of October, I was diagnosed with postpartum anxiety.
I have so much to share with you all about how I got here, what the symptoms were, how I’m coping, what my plan is, but I’m not sure I can get through all of that right now.
I’ll just start with this:
I never knew how on edge I was until I wasn’t.
I started meds nearly 2 weeks ago. While I’m obviously still working through all of this, for the first time in a really long time I finally feel like ME again.
I didn’t even realize *I* was gone until I came back.
I met Katherine Stone at Blogher this year. I’d known of her and the work she does through Postpartum Progress for a while now, but I never paid much attention to the resources on her website because I didn’t think they applied to me.
I wasn’t depressed.
I never cried. I’m actually quite happy with my life right now… when I’m not completely stressed out, overwhelmed, worried and angry.
At the beginning of October, Katherine reached out to me to help spread the word about Strong Start Day. I was happy to help her out, and, for the first time, I spent a good amount of time on her website in an effort to make myself more familiar with her cause.
As I read through The Symptoms Of Postpartum Depression & Anxiety (in plain mama English) I started shaking my head.
No way. No. This wasn’t me. No. Was it??
Racing thoughts- check
Constantly worried- check
Disturbing thoughts- check
Can’t eat- check
Sense of dread- check
Can’t sleep- no freaking idea since I never have the opportunity to try for more than 3-4 hours at a time
Irritated and angry- CHECK (at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE all. the. time.)
Afraid of things that could potentially harm my baby- CHECK
(I can not go up or down a flight of stairs with my baby without my heart racing. I can’t dream of buying a house with any sort of loft because I’m terrified my children will somehow fall over the railing and die. I can’t even look at a picture of a house with a loft without visualizing this happening.)
Still, knowing all of this fit and that all of this seemed to make my life make a little more sense, I ignored it.
There was nothing really wrong with me. I was just stressed out, I thought.
I quit freelancing projects, backed out of social obligations, and tried to cut myself some more slack.
It didn’t help. Things got worse, and within a few weeks of writing that post about Strong Start Day, I was in a doctor’s office, explaining what lead to an anxiety attack that I thought was a stroke.
When I left the hospital after both of my kids were born with those pamphlets on postpartum depression, I don’t remember seeing anything about anxiety. At my 6 week appointment, my midwife asked if I was suicidal, if I cried a lot, if I felt depressed. I didn’t. I still don’t.
It never occurred to me that what I’m experiencing was anything other than me really sucking at motherhood.
That’s honestly what I thought was wrong- that I’m just a terrible mother.
I’m not.
Sometimes it’s more than just a funk. Sometimes they’re more than just “mommy visions.” Sometimes that worry you can’t shake, the what-ifs and the fears are more than normal motherhood stress. Sometimes not being able to get through the day without yelling at anyone doesn’t just mean you need to work on your temper.
If this is what you’re feeling, know that you’re not a terrible mother, either. Please, make an appointment with your doctor.
You’re not failing at motherhood.
You might actually be sick.
You can get help. You can get better.
So proud of you for writing this — it took courage. It’s amazing how many women suffer without realizing what’s going on. So glad you took notice and are getting the help you need. And the silver lining, in a small way? You’re now among the ranks of us warrior moms. I’d be totally lost without this community. Hugs.
Thank you. I’m already blown away by how supportive everyone is.
Thank you, to each and every one of you, for all your support. It means the world to me.
I am so proud of you for getting help.
So so proud.
That is the first ugly step in all of this.
I too had the exact opposite symptoms of what I thought a mom with postpartum depression was like. I had all the symptoms you described. Not once was I depressed.
The road will get better and better.
Wishing you much luck and love
Thank you, Kimberly.
Thank God for you, Jill, paving the road and educating women like me, who would have no clue about any of this when we finally have kids. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thank you for sharing that. That’s very similar to how I’ve been feeling. I feel like the people in my life might think I’m over reacting or reading too much into things if I confess to these types of feelings and thoughts. Could I talk to my obgyn about this or should I see a therapist or general family doctor? What kind of medication was prescribed to you? I feel kind of ashamed and embarrassed about this all…it’s nice to hear others going through the same thing.
Jillian, I’m on a low dose of Zoloft, and I got it from my family doctor. I actually scheduled a physical for some other reasons (I’ll try to write more about that this week) and I wound up breaking down about my anxiety. He immediately recognized the symptoms in me and encouraged me to start meds. Please, please don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed. As you can see by reading through these comments, we are so not alone! Hang in there. Make an appointment. Soon. You don’t even have to tell anyone why you’re going. Just say you have a sore throat or you’re due for a physical. Then bring it up with your family doctor. I hope all that helps. Take care and feel free to email me if you ever want to talk.
I stumbled on this post while looking for PPA support and I’ve read through it a couple of times now. I was diagnosed 5 months ago and have been on meds for the last 3 months. I feel so much better now that I’m shocked at how bad I felt before I started treatment. Now it’s almost like I am a different person (the old me!), but I still have days that are difficult/hard. There is a ton of PPD support, but I’m not finding as much on PPA. Sometimes I just want to hear from someone that has had the same experience, who doesn’t offer 100 solutions, but just understands that some days are great and some days aren’t, but that it doesn’t make me a bad mom. Thanks for being a good resource – you’ve inspired me to tell more of my friends what I’ve been going through.
I could have written this post! I spent 3 years with post partum anxiety and thought I was just a bad mom. You are so right about not realizing anything is wrong until it’s right again. I finally got diagnosed and on meds and am feeling like me again. Where is post partum anxiety in that postpartum depression handout??
Really struggling with this now.. just started meds this week.
I agree that everything was geared towards depression.. I didn’t even know there was such a thing as PPA…. but here I am.
Hoping to see the other side soon..
Me too. Everything was so focused on ppd, ppa seriously didn’t occur to me. After sleep walking and picking up my baby multiple times at night I was a mess. Finally saw my Dr and got some services. Too much is expected of women right after! Take all the support you can get! Thanks for sharing!