This Elf On The Shelf thing, have you heard of it? My mom says she had an Elf that watched her and her sisters before Christmas growing up, and apparently it’s made a resurgence because you can now buy your very own Elf, complete with book in commemorative box from Target.

Of course, that’s where I got ours, being the cliche suburbanite that I am.

Okay, so the deal is this Elf is to watch the kids every day (from about Thanksgiving until Christmas) and report back to Santa every night. That’s how he knows if they’re naughty or nice… so the tale goes.

Oh, but it’s not that simple.

Because we all know that “Christmas Magic” doesn’t just happen on it’s own without the help of Elf Mom and Elf Dad.Β And really awesome Elf Parents don’t just move the Elf every night so that the kids can look for it the next day. Really awesome Elf Parents come up with really creative, cute, funny things for their Elf to “do” every night. There are TONS of ideas out there. Some are quite elaborate and messy.

But what if you want to move beyond simply “creative” into “traumatizing”? What if you want to really give them something to talk to their future therapist about?

I present to you…

5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas

Elf on a Bender
He’s sick of Santa not believing in his dream of becoming a Vegas Showgirl, so he drowns his sorrows in your mom and dad’s booze and pills and plays hookie from work.

Closet Crossdresser Elf
Β Oops! You caught him playing in your mom’s lingerie.

Hangover Elf
He woke up in a pile of lacy satin with a raging headache and had to make a mad dash for the john. (Bonus for creativity if you make the puke look like peppermint swirls.)

Crime Scene Elf
Blitzen got word that he was on his way to murder Santa, so he had to gouge his eyes out with his antlers, throw him to the floor and step on him.

Toe Tag Elf
Because nobody from the North Pole is going to claim a cross-dressing elf who drinks too much, has a pill problem, and tries to kill Santa.

Since I am nothing if not a really awesome Elf Mom, I had HUGE plans for all the adorable, creative things Jake (that’s what we named ours) would do every night. Oh yes, I was going to post a picture every day on my Tumblr blog (the one I abandoned 3 months into my 365 project). I was committed to seeing it through… until I 11:35 pm the first night.

Now, every night before I drift off to sleep, I sit straight up in bed in a panic. “Ugh, that fucking elf,” I huff as I throw the covers off of me and go to move him to another boring spot. The good news is my 3.5 year old doesn’t know any better.

It occurred to me last night, that I might have more fun with Jake if I could do things with him that would really make me laugh. It should be obvious to you all by now that I am immensely sarcastic and probably not best suited for motherhood in this respect.

Oh well.



137 thoughts on “5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas”

  1. Tracy,

    From the other side and in no mean tone!! Maybe I’m the odd Mom (and Dad) out there that didn’t have to deal with children that wanted everything out of the Toys R Us. Nor any problems with trust because we let them believe in Santa. My kids are 18 now. WON! lol We made it through it all πŸ™‚

    Happy Holidays All!

  2. Thanks for the laughs!! Very clever Elf ideas, us parents need to laugh! Parenting is not easy so any time you can turn something into a joke or laugh about it, it makes it easier to get through the crazy times!

  3. Ha! Even my 11-year-old daughter realizes that it’s creepy to live with a tattletale voyeur. Nonetheless, that “damned Elf,” or “Bob” as the squids call him, is a fantastic outlet for my husband’s sense of humor. Since the kids know they aren’t allowed to touch Bob, the absolute best joke was when they awakened to find Bob sitting on top of the television remote.

  4. Hahaha! Too funny. Nice to see a little humor with this. I just learned what is an elf on the shelf, so I’m having a fun time just browsing different elf on the shelf ideas. The toilet one is definitely my favorite. And for the haters out there, I’m sure she only did this for photo opps and didn’t actually have her kids find Jake like this.

  5. I am so happy to see people like you exist. We were discussing the f***ing Elf at our monthly book club and were cracking ourselves up with the pressure we put on ourselves every night to move that f***ing elf! It’s like the tooth fairy for 24 days!

    God bless parents with great sense of humors.

  6. This was freakin awesome! I found it because I was searching for places to hide our stupid elf. I thought I was the only mom who woke up in a cold sweat because I realized I forgot to move stupid whose real name is Squanto as he did arrive on Thanksgiving. I actually had to set a reminder on my iPhone to go off every night so I don’t forget to do it. I did forget the other day and the kids were crying. But I wasn’t going to get Mother of the Year anyway. My kids made themselves breakfast this morning. Donuts and popcorn.

  7. I love this. The drunken pill head elf is, by far, my favorite!

    I get a lot of people that miss the concept of satire on my blog, as well. I have to say, it is nothing short of hilarious some of the things I have written that people have taken seriously.

    I am adding you to my must read list.

  8. When I was a kid in the 60’s, we had two very similar elves, but they were green and had rubber faces and the bodies were stuffed with sawdust. For the month of December mom would put them here and there about the house. They moved every day. On Christmas Eve, after we kids were in bed, mom and dad put the gifts under the tree and mom sat the elves on two of the gifts,. When we woke the next morning, my brother and I discovered the Christmas morning elf massacre! Our dog, Squeaker, had finally gotten the little green creatures where he could reach them. There was sawdust everywhere! Two empty little elf suits in the middle of the floor and two very chewed half-eaten rubber faces under the coffee table. Didn’t bother me though because I had a G.I. Joe and his space capsule sitting under the tree.

  9. Honest to God, I laughed my ass off! My husband actually hides my elf (I am in bed by 9pm everynight as my three little ones wear me OUT!) His ideas are freaking hysterical- one morning we woke to find the Elf sitting on a medicine cup with a hershey’s kiss in it…Another morning the Elf’s feet were caught under the toilet lid- he was peeing… Leave it to a man… πŸ™‚

  10. This is way too funny not to share w my friend that is doing a ‘nice’ elf on a shelf!! I had never heard of this until this year. We did have elves as decoration every year. I may have to come up w a few ornery elf ideas myself! Thanks for posting this!!!

  11. Thought I was so awesome last yr. when I remembered to take f###@@# elf on vacation. Not only did I not remember to put elf out, I LEFT him in the condo!! So when we got home, had to explain to crying child that elf probably gave up on us when we left for a week and would come back next yr. Now I have to go buy another f**&^(*&^ elf!!

  12. LOL!! We just got our Elf and my 7 year old daughter just said “mom, don’t you think he’s kinda creepy just sitting there watching us like that??”

  13. I have to admit that we don’t do Santa at our house, but these ideas made me want to start just so I could do this!
    If we can’t laugh at ourselves, who can we laugh at? and since parenting is one of the most stressful jobs (with no vacation day, no pay, and it never ends even while you’re sleeping) we need more moments to laugh in our days.
    Thanks so much for these. I was laughing out loud all the way through!

        1. Oh! Good to know. Someone else was having trouble with it, too. I’ll tell her to try that. Thanks for linking up! Good luck.

  14. literally L’dOL! so elfin hilarious! we don’t do “eots” (cause my kids are older) but you gotta find humor and laughter in the hell of the holiday’s! everyone should have a warped sense of humor like you (and me!)! πŸ˜‰

  15. OK, this Elf thing is so freakin creepy! So far, my daughter has named him Ollie, which is the name of my childhood imaginary friend, unbeknownst to her or hubs. Then, we read the book. My daughter’s name is Katie and it’s in the book on Santa’s list. I think the Elf might be real, you guys! I’m frightened! Best show him who’s boss.

  16. Found this on pintrest, LOVE IT! One year i got stuck with f-ing elf for my neice, who spent thanksgiving at my house. I woke up every night about midnight thinking, crap! Forgot to move that damn elf! Hated to see my family leave, but was glad to get rid of the elf! Love your sarcasm and wit, i totally get it!

  17. Loved this post amd being that I am quote the sarcastic mom myself and my kids are preteens…i think i WiLL actually use your ideas. Lololol

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