This Elf On The Shelf thing, have you heard of it? My mom says she had an Elf that watched her and her sisters before Christmas growing up, and apparently it’s made a resurgence because you can now buy your very own Elf, complete with book in commemorative box from Target.

Of course, that’s where I got ours, being the cliche suburbanite that I am.

Okay, so the deal is this Elf is to watch the kids every day (from about Thanksgiving until Christmas) and report back to Santa every night. That’s how he knows if they’re naughty or nice… so the tale goes.

Oh, but it’s not that simple.

Because we all know that “Christmas Magic” doesn’t just happen on it’s own without the help of Elf Mom and Elf Dad. And really awesome Elf Parents don’t just move the Elf every night so that the kids can look for it the next day. Really awesome Elf Parents come up with really creative, cute, funny things for their Elf to “do” every night. There are TONS of ideas out there. Some are quite elaborate and messy.

But what if you want to move beyond simply “creative” into “traumatizing”? What if you want to really give them something to talk to their future therapist about?

I present to you…

5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas

Elf on a Bender
He’s sick of Santa not believing in his dream of becoming a Vegas Showgirl, so he drowns his sorrows in your mom and dad’s booze and pills and plays hookie from work.

Closet Crossdresser Elf
 Oops! You caught him playing in your mom’s lingerie.

Hangover Elf
He woke up in a pile of lacy satin with a raging headache and had to make a mad dash for the john. (Bonus for creativity if you make the puke look like peppermint swirls.)

Crime Scene Elf
Blitzen got word that he was on his way to murder Santa, so he had to gouge his eyes out with his antlers, throw him to the floor and step on him.

Toe Tag Elf
Because nobody from the North Pole is going to claim a cross-dressing elf who drinks too much, has a pill problem, and tries to kill Santa.

Since I am nothing if not a really awesome Elf Mom, I had HUGE plans for all the adorable, creative things Jake (that’s what we named ours) would do every night. Oh yes, I was going to post a picture every day on my Tumblr blog (the one I abandoned 3 months into my 365 project). I was committed to seeing it through… until I 11:35 pm the first night.

Now, every night before I drift off to sleep, I sit straight up in bed in a panic. “Ugh, that fucking elf,” I huff as I throw the covers off of me and go to move him to another boring spot. The good news is my 3.5 year old doesn’t know any better.

It occurred to me last night, that I might have more fun with Jake if I could do things with him that would really make me laugh. It should be obvious to you all by now that I am immensely sarcastic and probably not best suited for motherhood in this respect.

Oh well.



137 thoughts on “5 Highly Inappropriate & Traumatizing Elf On The Shelf Ideas”

  1. OMG, I am rolling with laughter!
    Cross-dressing elf and the murder victim is super special.
    How many times do I rush downstairs in the a.m. before my son wakes up so that I can relocate Cutie.

  2. My elf “fell asleep” last night and forgot to visit the North Pole. The kids were traumatized. But no worries he snuck off while they were at school and returned with treats from the candy elves! 😮

  3. So glad I found this as we prepare to embark on Night One with an elf whose name damn near rhymes with Mulva, but was almost Diddle or Blowie (and I swear I would have been proud of either). The whole reason we went for this in the first place is because we are a twisted pair of parentals. Hell, I barely got the tooth fairy to show up within a week’s time for the oldest two kids. My kids’ fondest memories, though, are of her lengthy and twisted notes of apology she’d leave about her busy schedule and worthless underlings. Cross your bits on my behalf that I don’t scar this generation.

  4. I find a direct kinship to your demented sense of humor! Our elf “Bob” is also a pita and I swear it’s head turns 360 when we leave the room! Creepy to say the least……..

  5. We have made it through sadness and ordeals with healthy doses of sarcasm and dark humor. I love the bad elf hi jinx! I think they are hilarious. I don’t own one though. My 16 year old would not be very into it.

  6. I just wrote about Elf on the Shelf last night because I had NO CLUE what it was until my son thought I could conjure one up from crackers and water (as, apparently, all his school friends told him he could.)

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