Pins I Know Better Than To Try

I love me some Pinterest, that’s already been established. But, there are some pins… quite a few, actually, that when I see them pop up I have to laugh. NOT because I think they’re stupid ideas (okay, some pins are stupid ideas, yes, but that’s not the point of this post), but because they would be stupid for me to try to pull off.

I can stretch my creativity a bit, I can challenge my sewing skills, I may even be able to (convince my husband to) build a piece of furniture from scrap wood we dig out of some old barn that…we break into… or something (where the hell do people get barn wood?).

But even I, with my deep well of hopeless optimism, know my boundaries. Here are a few pins that, while maybe a good idea for others, would turn out like absolute crap for me. I know this to be true so much that I wouldn’t dare even attempt them.

1. The Pantry Snack Station

Via Real Simple

Uhhhhh… I can not even wrap my head around this level of obsessive organization. Who ARE these people and what have they drugged bribed their children with?

That can of Goldfish? Would be yanked to the front of the bin in .5 seconds, it’s lid torn off, possibly eaten off of, and then probably licked by a dog. The chances of the lid actually making it back on that canister, and that canister not being covered by cracker slime from toddler hands is roughly 2%. The chances of the canister making it back into the box? .02%

But that would be only after EVERY. OTHER. SNACK. was retrieved from the box, opened, mixed with each other, dropped into the Busy Ball Popper, shot into the air, and then poured back into the “Snack Station” in a giant mound. Then, the Goldfish canister, covered in toddler cracker slime, would be crammed on top of the mound. It would make a loud “CRUNCH!” sound.

So I’m going to go ahead and pass on that because my pantry is a hot mess, but this would be like a challenge to take the chaos to a whole new level.

2. The “Simple” Updos

Via Raising 4 Princesses

People are always showing off these, supposedly, “effortless” updos that transform women from your every day into Greek Goddesses. They make it look all easy-like, with their 5 picture tutorials, all smiles, no tangles, no fingers snagged in rats nests brought on by too much Aquanet.

As much as I’d like to think I can at least pull off one of these, I’ve learned better than to try, for fear I end up with 7 bobby pins sticking out the top of my head like tiny antennae and a chopstick coming out of my ear. Y’all, I can’t even show a round brush what’s up (so confusing with the hair dryer and and the EVERYTHING IS OPPOSITE mirror), I don’t think I’ll be weaving my locks into sculptures any time soon.

3. Clean All The Things!

Via Goodreads

It’s something I struggle with daily (though I wouldn’t say I fail, I just rarely ace it). I get it. It’s important to clean.  But people, the month I clean for 31 days straight, there is only 1 of 2 things going on.

1. My internet has abandoned me and my toddler flushed my iPhone. Let that day never come to pass!
2. Someone has committed a crime in my house that I’m desperately trying to cover up.

And if anyone ever finds me shining my sink, please have me committed because that’s a sure sign that I’ve lost the will to live.

4. Glitter Timeout Jar

Via Here We Are Together

I think it’s lovely, honestly, that people have children who would buy into this. The idea is you create a thick mixture that glitter floats in after you shake it. You ask the child to sit and collect their thoughts until the glitter settles. It’s supposed to work as an alternative or compliment to timeout. Some kind of kiddie meditation tactic, where the child thinks of all the glitter as all their thoughts… or something.

Here’s the deal, though: My child should never be trusted with glitter.

Most CERTAINLY not glitter suspended in liquid, housed in glass. And DEFINITELY not when he’s in timeout and all in ::hulksmash:: Angry Toddler is Angry mode. If we’re not careful, it will look like Tinkerbell killed herself  by flying at high speeds into our wall.

So, for now, I think I’ll stick to trying out pins that I feel will have more favorable outcomes… or I’ll just keep laughing at all the wildly inappropriate and hilarious ones I can’t stop pinning.

Kendall is 3 years and almost 5 months and Leyna is just about 9 months old

  • Megyn - PERFECT. When I saw the glitter, I first thought, “My kid would have that lid off the second I showed it to him while the other would come up from behind and try and snatch it. Glass would be on the floor within this whole 5 seconds of introducing the thinking jar.”

    Secondly, I hate to admit this, but that first picture is ME. To a T. I’m an organization junkie, and I pretty much salivated when I saw that picture. I literally feel like I spend all day trying to pick up after kids to keep everything up to my high organizational standards lol!ReplyCancel

    • Jill - But do your children respect the organization? Because I would love me some organized spaces, but I know when my efforts are going to be futile, and my 3 year old is not going to respect an organized snack station… nor would my husband, probably ;) ReplyCancel

      • Megyn - YES! Our 3 year old is super meticulous (good & bad). He’s really good at putting things back in their proper places, but he’s still a pro at dismantling everything. As for The Hubs, he tries, he really, really does. I have to give him credit because my systems are intense. When things aren’t perfect, I just move a few things until they are (like rainbow ordered shirts). I’m hoping by starting the boys young, that’s all they’ll know. Noah (3 yr old) keeps telling me we need to clean and tidy up. I’m either creating very organized kids or OCD or kids who will be hoarders and unkempt as adults.ReplyCancel

        • Jill - Wow. I seriously bow down to your mad skills and amazing patience.

  • Heather B. - Thank you! I agree 100%! I feel like I should have a whole board just for “Things That I Am Not Cool Enough/ Coordinated Enough To Pull Off”…ReplyCancel

  • Celina - Pffff, easy up dos my ass! Lol my 2 yo doesnt even give me a chance to pee, much less style my hair! My husband and son would rip through the snack station in an hour. My son doesn’t throw tantrums, so I’m sure he’d like and enjoy the glitter jar. 2 yo that doesn’t throw tantrums is weird, but it’s true. No screaming, fighting, nothing. He cries and gets upset, but no anger thankfully!ReplyCancel

    • Jodie - When my daughter was 2, she never threw tantrums…then turned 3. :)
      I did make the jar but she had no interest in it at all :( ReplyCancel

  • Katy Widrick - Don’t hate me, but I have a pantry full of organized snacks like that :) It’s not so much about being crazy OCD, and more about wanting to have easy-to-grab food. I would eat the entire bag, otherwise.ReplyCancel

  • Jenny - I need one of those mind jars for myself. Floaty glitter I sit and stare at while I let my mind settle? And maybe sip on coffee or wine or a bottle of tequila? WIN.ReplyCancel

  • nicole - I just don’t understand why the goldfish and other snack mix are in canisters instead of baggies, like the other snacks. My kids would eat the whole canister. I like the idea but it will never happen. I feel organized just by keeping a Sam’s size box of cheez-its in the back of the van for snacks at sports games. ;) ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer @ Also Known As the Wife - I had to stifle my obnoxiously loud laugh when I read “it will look like Tinkerbell killed herself by flying at high speeds into our wall” to avoid waking the baby-who-refuses-the-nap.ReplyCancel

  • Tottums - I’m sorry, but the glitter thing might be the dumbest idea I’ve ever come across. Who seriously thinks that handing a GLASS jar of COLORED water and GLITTER to a PISSED OFF toddler is a good idea?

    A dumb person, that’s who.ReplyCancel

    • Courtney - Agreed. My 18-month-old can already throw things with surprising strength. I can’t imagine when he’s twice this age and potentially twice as strong. Yikes.ReplyCancel

  • pamela - oooh that glitter jar looks pretty.

    I think I might try that one.ReplyCancel

  • Alena - I always have grand plans to do things like an organized snack station (I even tried muffin tin snacks for a week or two). But I can’t stick with it. And I can’t let the toddler into the pantry because do you think she would pick out a snack bag when she could climb on the edge of her wagon and grab the whole BOX of goldfish? No, no she wouldn’t.ReplyCancel

  • Michelle Nolan - Dying at ‘Tinkerbell killed herself’. All so true.ReplyCancel

  • Jocelyn - Oh holy no way! First of all, I can’t do hair to save my life, hence my long locks are in a ponytail or knot daily. Secondly, I HATE GLITTER! Unfortunately my daughter may never know the sparkly stuff, because that shit sticks to everything like crazy! You know – like that 1 speck of glitter you can’t get off your forehead? Yeah, I hate it.

    p.s. I’ve never been on Pinterest. Seems I’m missing a whole new time suck… ;) ReplyCancel

  • Mary - Just a thought to avoid glass shardy-ness with the glitter thing, you could use a plastic jar (like from peanut butter) and glue the lid on. Not that that would make it work if your kid isn’t into it, but it would hopefully avoid a Tinkerbellian murder scene. :-) ReplyCancel

  • Melanie Mercier - Jill, this is why I read your blog: you make me snort with laughter at work!!!!! Tinkerbell killed herself by flying into the wall! LMAO LOVE IT!!!!

    That, and also the fact that your writing sounds exactly like talking to myself! ; ) My toddler is 17 months old and I can see alittle bit of my future in most of your blog posts. Please continue this blog as long as possible, I love it!ReplyCancel

  • G. Schneider - Three words. Toilet paper origami. That pin is beyond ridiculous. Because something that is going on my butt then into the sewer dies not need to be shaped like a flower first.ReplyCancel

  • Annie @ Mama Dweeb - Your sense of humor ROCKS!! I was dying laughing that the first one. You KNOW my 2 yo son would have all those opened and the snacks littering my kitchen floor faster than your daughter would! LOLReplyCancel

  • Christine - thank you! I saw that snack thing and was all AS IF! My 3yo is now saying, “I want bunny crackers mommy! I eat them outta da box?!” so picking a snack from a little tray and not either inhaling the whole thing or feeding them to the dog, not gunna happen. And the glitter jar would not hold his attention, I’d hear “I done with this” like a broken effing record and that would be only punishment for ME.ReplyCancel

  • molly - Jill, you make me laugh. All of my favorite bloggers have their funny hats on today. I didn’t get the memo. Of course, funny might not be my thing.

    But we definitely have the no-glitter-in-the-house rule in common. Oh, and the shining your sink. WTF is up with that? I’m lucky if it’s not covered in food from last night’s dinner.ReplyCancel

  • Monique - Oh, the hairstyles with “just a few twists!” My fucking ass just a few twists. Add to this the “emergency backpacks.” Really? I hardly have time to do laundry, much less pack a backpack for an imaginary scenario.ReplyCancel

  • Jenny B - I also have considered making a board called “Things That Would Never Happen/Work For Us”. I am so glad I am not the only one who saw a sea of glitter and broken glass in that pin, and that I am not the only one who looks at hair tutorials and cannot make heads or tails of them!!ReplyCancel

  • Alexandria - LOL! That first pin would never ever work in my house. For one I would forget to re-fill it that way. And the glitter time out jar? Please. My kid would toss that jar if I made him stare at it.ReplyCancel

  • Milka - I feel that way about all the craft projects with a toddler. My son would fling, break, rip or eat all those meticulously assembled materials, not make a sweet little seasonal project. There will be no paint brought into our house. Who are these two year olds who can sit still and follow directions? Maybe they’re all girls.ReplyCancel

  • Jen - I like the snack station idea in concept for the smaller things that are not in a box. But no way in hell would it be anywhere where B could reach it!ReplyCancel

  • Kendra - Oh my gosh, THANK YOU. I’m not the only one who thinks these things! In particular, thanks for snarking on the “31 Days to Clean” book — I was intrigued by that one on Pinterest, too, until I read a few pages on the Amazon preview and it was all “Day 1: Clean your house. Day 2: Seriously, just clean. Why is this hard for you?”

    And on the updos: Pinterest and beauty mags annoy me equally on this one. The descriptions are always “gather hair into a high ponytail. Twist and pin.” The end. Whaaa?ReplyCancel

  • TheNextMartha - I am SO with you on every single one of those. Kids and glitter. Bwahahahah!ReplyCancel

  • Janice (5 Minutes for Mom) - LMAO!!! Just picturing the destruction of the glitter jar in my wild-tempered four-year old’s hands! And the snack station? ROFL ROFL ROFLReplyCancel

  • Ry - I found this reading a post you did about Pinterest a few months ago (on Momcrunch), and had to see what things you couldn’t do.
    I’m not a mom. I’m a 19 year old girl. But I laughed so hard at the Tinkerbell thing. What kind of 2 year old wants to sit and stare at some glitter? What kind of adult wants to sit and stare at glitter? If I’m putting a toddler in timeout, it’s because one of us is close enough to murder as-is (okay, joke, I usually only get halfway to considering murder…), and telling them to just stare at the nice pink glitter would be asking for me to spend the next 6 hours madly trying to clean up glitter before the parents get home.
    I liked the snack idea for myself, though. lol I”m that kind of person.ReplyCancel

  • Megan - I kind of do the snack thing with my Tupperware. I get rid of all boxes and put the granola bars in one large Modular Mate, Gold fish in another, grahm crackers/rice cakes and similar items together in another one. And then even rice, noodles, etc in their own separate Modular Mates. It’s not about a snack thing, but organizing the food so the boxes don’t fall out of the shelf and I can fit more food in my shelves. Also so that the food lasts longer. Lots of good reasons for organizing your food this way with Tupperware.ReplyCancel

  • Bitchin' Amy - I feel like Pinterest is the visual representation of what we wish our lives looked like, but could only be achieved with millions of dollars and a team of assistants. Great post!ReplyCancel

  • Leah Kaihoi Everson - Oh my goodness. I needed this laugh. I needed to know that other moms have messy houses and crazy children (our boys are about 9 months apart I think). I needed to know that someone else escapes to the internet too… I just feel less alone right now and like I’m not falling completely apart.ReplyCancel

  • dusty earth mother - Oh, you are GOOD. I just loved this post so much I might have to pick up my computer and ::hulksmash:: Congrats on your VOTY!! :-) ReplyCancel

  • Lynet Sandoval Witty - awww! I can’t see the wildly inappropriate post you laughed at!ReplyCancel

  • Tricia - 1) My children would read this as EAT ALL THE THINGS. NOW! (And throw all the other things on the ground for the dogs to eat.

    2) A simple undo is a scrunchied ponytale. Anything else requires trained professionals.

    3) My husband and I used to argue because I didn’t do my fair share around the house. I hired a housekeeper. Turns out it’s cheaper than marriage counseling.

    4) Glitter is made from Satan’s tears. That is all.ReplyCancel

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