Make Haste Like A Mother

There are certain superpowers that come with motherhood, like that sixth sense that tells you when the stretch of silence has lasted just a second too long, alerting you to the mischief your toddler is making in the bathroom, moments before he turns your iPhone into a raft for his tiger figurine to float on in the toilet.

I also think mothers are able to MOVE at lightning speed when the situation calls for it. For example, my little brother began choking on an apricot pit in the backseat of the car once. My mom, seated in the passenger side up front, unbuckled herself, reached back and freed him from his carseat, flopped him over her knee and beat the pit out of him in about .25 seconds. I don’t think any other human would  have been able to do it faster. My memories of it play out like a scene from an action hero movie.

So, when I see something happen, or sense it about to happen, it’s only natural for me to act and move very quickly. But, it seems it’s just not that way for my husband.

This weekend we visited family out in the country. As I walked into the house from the sprawling front yard, baby on my hip, my Papa muttered, “Jill, ya got a wasp on yer back.”

And then… he just SAT there.

So I looked at Scott who confirmed there was, indeed, a wasp on my back. And then he motioned for me to walk back to him so he could brush it off of me.

“PEOPLE! Get up and get this damn thing off of me!!”

I mean, it was all I could do not to throw the baby down and begin running around, swatting at my back while trying to rip my shirt off. The least my husband could have done was run like hell to me and help me.

Yesterday we went to a local minor league baseball game. We opted for general admission seats on the grass. We laid down a blanket at the top of a hill under the scoreboard and Kendall got to run around in front of us down below. As I sat with the baby on my lap, I noticed Kendall began to climb the fence at the bottom of the hill, the one keeping him from falling 10 feet onto the baseball field.

Holy. Mommy Visions. I have an unhealthy fear of kids falling off/over things at great heights. I grabbed Scott’s arm and told him to stop Kendall because I was currently pinned down by a 22.5 lb chunk of chub. He proceeded to slowly stand up and casually walk down the hill.

“Kendall! KENDALL!! KENDALL MILAM KRAUSE YOU GET DOWN FROM THERE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE GOING TO TIMEOUT IF I GET DOWN THERE!!!” I began shouting while simultaneously laying the baby down and thinking, “Oh, for fucks sake, Scott, WOULD YOU MOVE IT?!”

I maintain that I could have made it down that hill and back, with a screaming 3 year old slung over my shoulder, faster than my husband could have taken 3 steps if Kendall wouldn’t have responded to my shrill threats. Scott claimed I was “making a scene,” and that he was just “staying calm.”

A scene? You know what made a scene?

How about when Kendall threw his hat onto the baseball field from the bottom of the hill, causing a pause in play so that an outfielder could throw it back over the fence? Oh yeah, that was my kid.

Scott was actually on his liesurely way down the hill to take the hat from Kendall because he’d already tossed it up in the air once, and it landed dangerously close to the fence. Sensing he’d probably do it again, knowing it would probably land on the baseball field below next time, Scott began down to take the hat away. Except, EXCEPT?? LACKING SENSE OF URGENCY.

Make haste! The child moves too fast! You can run 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 38 minutes. MOVE mothafukka!!

Sometimes it’s like I’m watching Friday the 13th and he’s Jason. What is UP with all the slow walking, dude?

Is this a man thing or just a *my* man thing?

Kendall is 3 years 2 months and Leyna is 6 months old.

 

  • dianthe - O.M.G. – i am writing a blog about this very thing right.this.minute.

    i often refer to my husband as The Slowest Moving Man In America – and i say the same thing you do – he has NO sense of urgency – i hope i don’t kick the bucket any time soon because he’d make a TERRIBLE mother!!ReplyCancel

  • Megan - I completely agree.ReplyCancel

  • Kashmir - “Make haste! The child moves too fast! You can run 26.2 miles in 3 hours and 38 minutes. MOVE mothafukka!!”

    LMFAO – Oh that was great, the whole blog was! I laughed the entire time, just saying “thank God Im not the only one who feels this way!”ReplyCancel

  • Claudia - seriously. My husband has like NO SENSE OF URGENCY. I feel you!ReplyCancel

    • Claudia - and then I just end up looking like the crazy lady just screaming at him. argh.ReplyCancel

  • Good Girl Gone Green - Agree!! While doing the dishes I ask my husband ” Can you change her diaper before I feed her and I will finish the dishes?”
    Husband” ” Sure.” The dishes are done and I still have time to change her diaper before my husband gets off his ass.
    Husband: “I was going to do it.” Well, you know, it just wasn’t fast enough for me…Grrrrrrrr I guess I have to do everything myself!ReplyCancel

  • The Slacker Mom - That would be my husband. One of the phrases I often hear myself saying is “Move with a purpose!!!!” sometimes in my head, sometimes if the situation calls for it, out loud.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Hahahhahahaha! Yes! I’m pretty sure I’ve said something similar before.ReplyCancel

  • Chris @ absolutely adequate - I love “Move with a purpose”. I will be whipping that out on my husband tonight, I’m certain. We’ve just moved into a new house and there are towers of boxes every.damn.place and they are irresistible to the kids. Gah.ReplyCancel

  • Krustin - Boys are slow and dumb. (except for our sons if course 😉ReplyCancel

  • Kristal - Oh my word, YES!! My husband and I bicker over this VERY thing. Drive. Me. Insane. MOVE, DANGIT!!ReplyCancel

  • Alyssa - It’s a man thing. 100%.ReplyCancel

  • Joanna - its not just your man at all…. I’m in the same boat here.ReplyCancel

  • Denae - It certainly is my man thing. Being a SAHD I think will change him MWAAHAHAHA!! IMHO being a SAHD is turning him from a good dad into an awesome dad. Best. thing. ever. He also is starting to understand the harried housewife state of mind.ReplyCancel

  • Jen - You are not alone. This drives me CRAZY!ReplyCancel

  • mrshiggison - GAH! Yes, yes, yessssssssss!ReplyCancel

  • Jacklyn - I’m SO thankful I’m not the only one with Molassas for a husband! … It must be a man thing. My favorite (insert sarcasm font) is when he acts like he has shit under control and I’m overreacting. …right, just like France totally had the Nazi’s on the ropes.ReplyCancel

  • Cheryl - Thank you for this post!!! I love my husband and he is a wonderful father but his lack of urgency kills me at times. About two weeks ago we were playing in the driveway and I was helping my 4-year-old put his helmet on when our 2-year-old got on a trike without his helmet and immediately went rolling down the driveway at full speed into the street. My husband WATCHED this happen as I screamed “STOP HIM” – I am 6 months pregnant and was at least 25 feet further from him than my husband but I still managed to get to the toddler first. Really.ReplyCancel

  • Suzanne - The ONLY time my husband moves with any urgency is if someone says “Free beer”. I guess I should teach the toddler to shout it when he’s in danger.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - This should probably come before teaching how to dial 911.ReplyCancel

  • sara - I Literally just laughed out loud! Thank you!ReplyCancel

  • Mary E - YES! Thank. you.ReplyCancel

  • Liavek - Oh, Jesus, Mary, Joseph and all the saints, I thought it was just my husband, thank you, I am not alone! Particularly the part where, with love in my heart, I do not, as they say in my country, “raise up my skirt and tell him how his mudder make him!”

    So it’s a man thing, then? So, please, please, can those of us with sons make a pledge to do all we can to ensure that our boys don’t grow up to give that kind of stress to their future wives, girlfriends, significant-others etc?ReplyCancel

  • molly - So, my husband is a trauma nurse in a major hospital. One would think he has the “sense of urgency” thing down by now. Ya know, because he has it for complete strangers and stuff? But apparently not for our kids.

    Brigham was choking the other day (this is my biggest fear) and his lips were turning blue. I was jumping up and down within a second screaming for him to DO SOMETHING! I shit you not, he was like “He’ll be fine.”

    He says it’s his ability to be calm in emergency situations that makes him a good nurse.

    But I’m with you. I say MOVE mothafukka!ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - I love this!

    When my son was three, we had just bought our new house and we were out on the deck. Suddenly, my son tumbles down the entire flight of stairs, head over heels, to a concrete pad below. I nearly shoved my husband over the stair railing running down to check on him, I was so panicked! Turns out the boy just got a scratch and a bruise, but I was definitely proof of mommy haste. My husband was attempting to check on him too (from a much closer position), but he was definitely NOT fast enough.ReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - My hubby is unbearably slow when I expect him to do something quickly- especially something like “grab him quick before he falls/chokes/puts that in his mouth/pushes that kid down/whatever, but when it REALLY matters, he busts out his super hero moves. Once we forgot to put out a candle and woke to a small fire in the dining room. He jumped out of bed and had it out in 2.5 seconds while I stayed frozen in bed freaking out. I couldn’t sleep for days because of the mommy guilt when I realized I didn’t run immediately to save my babies.ReplyCancel

  • Mommy Points - Agree with the free beer comment! It is for sure a general man thing – def not just “your man”!ReplyCancel

  • Cole - Mommy is WAY faster than Daddy. Especially when I’m about to fall off of something – Daddy doesn’t seem to process the situation as quickly as Mommy.ReplyCancel

  • Andrea - “move b*tch get out the way” comes to mind when reading this post. And no, I don’t think it’s just your man or even a dad thing, I think it’s a MAN thing. I can walk in the door with a purse, groceries, and a gym bag and manage to have groceries unpacked, a load of laundry in be showered and have dinner started inside of 15 minutes. Men would never be able to pull that off.ReplyCancel

  • Janine @ Alternative Housewife - It’s a non-mom thing. My mother is that way with my son, no matter how many times I tell her how fast he is.ReplyCancel

  • Tamara M. - You are not alone!! My son almost fell in the pool once. I was on the other side of the locked fence holding my 11 month old, my husband was standing RIGHT next to the pool and yup I got there before he did.ReplyCancel

  • Karen - I could have written this! This is soooo my husband!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Hannah - It’s a man thing, not just yours. lolReplyCancel

  • Vivian - I tell people ALL the time, men are like rocks, you gotta push/throw em before they do anything!

    Honestly, if they’re not taking off their clothes to jump in the sac w/you, then they’re slow as a turtle!ReplyCancel

  • Megyn - Yep. In our household we (I) refer to us as the tortoise and the hare. Except the hare wins. ….And this from an aspiring firefighter and current EMT. You’ll run into a burning building to save a cat, but our kid is about to scale the wall and fall off onto the concrete floor (because it just takes too long to re-tile the damn thing) and he just sits there saying, “He’s not going anywhere.” Ugh, I hate sounding like a teenage girl with the shrill “UGH!” and foot stomp, but really, dude, put down the f*ckin’ iPod and get your damn child before he tests your EMT training.ReplyCancel

  • Kristie - My boyfriend is slow like that too!!ReplyCancel

  • Mandy - HAHAHA. “MOVE mothafukka!!” Favorite line ever.

    And no, I have no idea if either of us have any super-powers. I’m guessing no.ReplyCancel

  • Mom and Dad's Styles - […] read her stuff you might want to check it out, it’s pretty good. It’s called “Make Haste Like a Mother” and the basic gist is that she went somewhere with her husband (a baseball game) and when […]ReplyCancel

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