The F-ing Unfair State Of My Body

If my children grow up to believe they were parented by a single father based on the lack of evidence that they actually did have me, their mother, present in their life, I won’t be able to blame it entirely on my husband’s inability to take candid pictures of me and the kids without me asking him, thus ruining the whole spontaneity of a candid moment.

The truth of the matter is I hate 99% of pictures taken of me these days, so I either end up deleting them, or just not appearing in them to begin with.

I’m going to warn you now that what’s about to spew from my fingers is going to be full of woe-is-me, self pity sentiment. This is not me fishing for compliments. This is not me ignoring the fact that I had a baby a little more than 2 months ago. This is just me… being honest.

I was one of those pregnant women who actually really enjoyed the way she looked pregnant. I mean, yeah, there were days that I felt like a whale, but at least I had beautiful skin and shiny hair. My nails grew long and strong, my cheeks needed nary a touch a blush. Even at 187 lbs, I could manage to feel radiant and celebrate my beautiful belly.

Up to the day I had Leyna, I felt pretty beautiful, even if incredibly large and uncomfortable.

Fast forward 9 weeks later, and my skin has lost it’s glow. It’s dry and pale. The lines under my eyes are deeper than ever. The gray hairs on my head are fighting every box of dye I throw at them with more tenacity than before. Plus, I can’t seem to get any body hair under control because I barely have enough time to brush the hair on my head these days, let alone shave the hair on my legs and pluck my scraggly eye brows.

I haven’t had a hair cut since October, and I don’t have the time or the money to get my hair done now. I’d love to try to blend the gray hairs in with some highlights for the summer, but at $150, that’s just not something I can bring myself to do, knowing I’ll HAVE to go back within a couple months and spend that same amount to blend in my roots.

None of my clothes fit. They are all either too small or too big. Anything I can manage to find to fit this figure  (like tunics and leggings… I actually WANT to try these) doesn’t lend itself to being very breastfeeding friendly. Must accommodate the milk makers, you know. Meanwhile, THEY continue to produce so much milk that I find myself having to change breastpads half way through the day after I get a whiff of a vile smell of sweaty, sour breastmilk that I’m toting around in my bra.

And then there’s just the overall state of my body. While I’m losing the baby weight relatively quickly, I’m still left with this sagging skin, these purple stretch marks, these breasts that fluctuate in size depending on the last time Leyna had a snack. My back aches constantly, my neck is always stiff, my posture is comparable to that of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.

Scott took some pictures of me and the kids tonight at dinner (after I requested he do so, of course) and I promptly deleted them.

“You look FINE! See, this is why I never take any pictures of you. You never like the ones I take anyway,” he said.

“It’s not YOUR fault. I just look like shit. I look old and tired and like a frumpy… mom,” I replied.

“You are a mom. You just need to get over it. You look fine,” he said.

“I have the right to hate what I look like right now, okay. I don’t want to look ‘fine.’ I don’t want to look ‘good for a mom,” I snapped back while I shoved my camera back into the bag.

People, well-meaning ones, have said to me lately, “You look great for being a mom of two!” or “You look good… for just having a baby.” And what that says to me is if they didn’t know I was a mom or just had a baby, they’d think I look like hell.

I don’t want “mom” to be a qualifier. I don’t want to judge my appearance on some grading curve made to make moms feel better. I just want to look and feel good for being ME. And the way I look right now does not make me feel good.

All that said, I get how ridiculously hard I’m being on myself. That’s just very much my personality, always has been, and it’s something I need to work on. Rationally, I know that.

I KNOW I should be proud of this body for all the amazing things it’s done. I KNOW it’s a very dangerous habit to be in, constantly criticizing and not accepting myself, especially in front of my kids… especially in front of my daughter. I KNOW I’m good enough. I KNOW I’m pretty. The part of me sitting here, typing this out KNOWS all of this.

But the part of me who sees all of this in the mirror? She’s just not a believer these days. And she thinks it’s pretty fucking unfair that her reward for bringing children into this world, for sacrificing sleep, time, money, and a touch of sanity all to love them the best she can every day and night, is THIS body, THESE lines under her eyes, THIS hair that in about 3 weeks will probably start falling out in clumps.

It’s just FUCKING UNFAIR. The end.

Kendall is 2 years 10 months old and Leyna is 9 weeks old (I think? But to tell the truth, I really can’t keep up anymore.) And I have 50 billion gray hairs at the age of 30. Did I mention that’s fucking unfair?

  • TheNextMartha - Feeling frumpy and ugly sucks. Hopefully spring will lift your spirits and get some color on those cheeks.ReplyCancel

  • verdemama - You know this, I’m sure, but it’s helpful to be reminded: being a new mother (even the second time around) is fucking hard. Being pregnant is hard, and giving birth is hard, and it takes a physical toll on us. The awesome thing about our bodies is that they heal — weight drops off, skin shrinks back, scars fade. (And for the rest there are hair dyes and facials, etc. etc.). Give yourself some time! The MILF shall live again! I know what it’s like to want to look like you once did… it took me probably four or five months after my first was born until I felt remotely attractive again. Just be patient and don’t be so hard on yourself!ReplyCancel

  • Nicole Drysdale-Rickman - All I can say is I understand. You ARE beautiful! and spring *is* almost here!!ReplyCancel

  • Janine - I fucking feel you. My kid is 5 months old and I’m just starting to get my groove back.ReplyCancel

  • Beth - I’m sure every mom can commiserate. Heck, I only have one, who is now OVER A YEAR OLD and I still haven’t found the time to shave, my clothes don’t fit, and the ends of my hair makes me look like I was electrocuted with all my split ends. Kudos to you, mom of two. Thank you for your honesty!ReplyCancel

  • Katie - I feel ya, sistah. ((HUGS))ReplyCancel

  • Niki (strawbrykiwi) - I have to say, I admire your strength to talk about your feelings! You are amazing, and I appreciate so very much the stories you share with us.ReplyCancel

  • Megan - I think pretty much everyone feels this way after pregnancy- I know I sure as hell do.

    but heres the thing- deleting those pictures because YOU hate them- is unfair to your babies. PLEASE- listen to a girl who has 2 pictures of her and her mom togheter as a baby for this same reason- LET your hubby take the pics, and no matter how much you HATE them, LEAVE them on the camera. PUT them on your computer, and KEEP them for your kids. please.ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Such a good point, Megan. Thank you for the reminder. I’m sorry you have so few pictures of your mom. You’re right. Those aren’t entirely my memories to delete.ReplyCancel

  • Helen - I know EXACTLY how you feel <3ReplyCancel

  • Zoie - If you can just hold out a little longer L will get mobile and you’ll be so busy trying to keep everyone from killing themselves or one another, that the weight will drop right off. Not that you’ll notice by then.

    But, seriously, as you mention your body is powerful and beautiful, give it a break to recover.ReplyCancel

  • Nerd Mama - Every woman finds fault with her body post-pregnancy. It only took me nine months to get back into my old jeans, so everyone thinks I should feel fantastic about myself, but I don’t know if I’ll ever come to terms with the stretch marks on my stomach and the deflated look my breasts have gotten since weaning. Maybe some day I will accept these changes as a badge of motherly pride, but in the mean time I’m beginning to understand why so many women get plastic surgery every year. But like so many things, you have to admit the problem before you can solve it, so it’s okay to bring your feelings out in the open. Besides, it’s good to know we’re not alone.ReplyCancel

  • Ilana @ mommy shorts - We all go through this I think. For me it’s the blue circles under my eyes. They look darker and darker every day. And unlike everything else, I can’t cover them with a chunky cardigan.ReplyCancel

  • Babe_Chilla - I just had this same rant on my blog!

    Hugs lady. It blows. I hate going out these days.ReplyCancel

  • milka - I look at photos of me from five years ago – a glowing goddess in comparison. I went out without makeup and was thin and tan. Now I feel like a ghoul without a pound of concealer. But I think of two things – back then, I was still stressing about my thighs. And this is as young as I’m going to be.ReplyCancel

  • Monica - I hear ya. I lost all my baby weight in 10 days but since I still had 35 to lose from the first one I still look pregnant from the side view. not cool. Nothings fits here either and I don’t think it will anytime soon. It’s 1:30 am and I’m up eating a sandwich.. nursing has turned me into some kind of ravenous garbage disposal. I am not a pretty site.

    I totally have to agree w/ Megan though. Keep the pics whether you like them or not. It won’t matter to your kids and plus later on down the road when you’re all hot again you can say “wow look how much I’ve changed” :)ReplyCancel

  • Alyssa - Your daughter was born exactly 2 weeks after my son, so she’s 10 weeks. :)

    PS. I can totally relate to the clothes thing. None of my regular pants fit (too tight) and my maternity pants fall off since they are too big. GAH!ReplyCancel

  • Cherie - I was hanging on your every word, it really resonated with me, and I’m sure every other mother out there reading.

    I feel like my pregnancies (3 all up) each sucked at least 5 years out of me! Yes there’s no doubt they make us older.

    I look at my wrinkles, stretch marks and flabby bits, and try to see them as the marks of being a woman, a mother, going through the amazing experience of pregnancy and childbirth. I try to view them as a sign of maturity and wisdom.

    I wish the rest of society would view them that way as well. But for now I guess the best we can do is honor ourselves and be an example for our children.ReplyCancel

  • Ruby - Ugh I seriously had this same feeling yesterday/today. Suddenly I looked at my clothes and they indeed too, are either too small or too big AND they’re old. Like, 10 years old. So I feel your pain!

    However, I do want to add something that may make you want to punch me in the face – but I’m going to say it anyway: HORMONES. They make your body image all screwy and anything that could be a problem is magnified. Add to that SLEEP SHORTAGE. And I’m also sure that your diet may not be at its prime: either not enough, or not as varied/rich in veggies & fruit and water, etc. Yes, I know this doesn’t take into account all the frumpy feelings, but I do find that when i get into such a state, taking a couple of days to focus on drinking more water, less coffee, less sugar and more fruits and veggies (I’m not talking dieting here, just more healthy stuff) makes a huge difference in my state of mind.

    Also, you can still make an appointment at the hairdresser’s to get your hair cut and not get it coloured/highlighted. Just a regular little update (perhaps with some tips/advice on a style) can make a huge difference. And doesn’t have to cost much.

    But yeah. I feel your pain. The clothes thing really sucks.ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - My baby is four months old and I am losing hair by the fistful! I feel your pain. I love your honesty, we’re all there with you.ReplyCancel

  • Kali - JILL! You are a beautiful goddess. When you posted your Ninendo Wii workout pics, I was so of how beautiful and fresh you looked after just having had a baby.

    It’s tough to get your groove back – for me, even moreso after number 2. Everyone has so many needs, there is so much to do in the e, and hello – EXHAUSTION! Taking care of myself (beauty-wise) was last on my list until just recently… well, it’s still pretty far down there on the list, but it’s on my list now – 6 months later!

    I will post a super embarrassing post-partum story in a bit in your honor.ReplyCancel

    • Kali - And please disregard “for just having a baby” in my first paragraph. You looked amazing – period – in those pics!ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - THIS post is one of the many reasons I read you. If I were a blogger, I swear I could have written this myself. Thanks for your honesty.ReplyCancel

  • jenni - Oh. My. Goodness. Seriously? I could have written this post myself. I agree 100% and feel the exact same way.

    I HATE when people say “you look good for a mom of 2″ or “you look good for having a baby 9mths ago.” The problem? 99.99% of the population doesn’t know that information… to them- I’m fat. I don’t want to be fat. I don’t want to have this left-over-monster-baby-saggy-muffin-top belly anymore. I’m over it. That’s why I said yes to the Medifast sponsorship… I’m ready to be at my WEDDING weight.

    The problem? I want a third baby. But ya know what?… if I can lose the weight now, I think it will be easier to lose the baby weight after #3. {fingers crossed.}

    You can do this mama… unfortunately, it takes time. {But don’t you just hate the skinny bitches that bounce right back?}ReplyCancel

    • emily - I think the truth is that Jill is one of those “skinny bitches” that bounces right back. What it comes down to is that NO ONE bounces right back. They appear to have lost the weight, and they DO look amazing, but the skinny bitch knows the truth. It’s all squashy under those layers, and she sees the lines that no one else does.
      I have a 9 week old, lost all but 5 lbs of the 40+ I gained, but have a completely different body. Call me a skinny bitch if you’d like, but I’m like a melting snow man.ReplyCancel

      • jenni - I was mostly referring to people like my coworker, who 1 month after delivering her baby, was back in a size 2 with NO muffin top. People like that. Love her to death, but totally jealous.ReplyCancel

  • Melissa - I completely feel your pain lady… I went through that with my first, and I know I’ll go through it again with this one. I’m going through that silly in-between faze with this pregnancy right now. My hair is falling out, my skin is breaking out and I have eczema. Not to mention the chubby beer gut looking stomach I have LOL! It’s big enough to make my pants too tight but not big enough to warrant maternity pants. UGH! I just stay home in my yoga pants. I can’t wait to look pregnant. This will pass… it really really will. Please PLEASE keep some pics. I did… and I’m truly happy I did. Not only does it keep memories for my family and my babies, but it reminds you how far you’ve come. Giant virtual hugs.ReplyCancel

  • Shauna - I am only 5.5 weeks post partum but I could have written this post myself. My rational half knows that I just did the most amazing thing in the world by bringing a baby into it but the irrational half wants my old body back NOW.ReplyCancel

  • Tricia - Thank you for the honesty in this blog entry! I remember muttering the same words, “this is so unfair”, after the birth of my first child. Now 7 months pregnant with my second I know that feeling will be even greater.

    Just by not sugar coating the reality of of it all, helps soon to be mom’s of 2 like me.ReplyCancel

  • Jess - I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m 6 months along with the 2nd baby, and all I hear is, “Is it twins?” “You are really big for how far along you are.” “Wow, you have how many months left?” Every.Single.Day. Can’t someone just give me a frickin compliment once in a while? And I can’t wait until after I have the baby, in June, to feel like a lumpy, gross, leaky mom all summer long. With the gray hairs to boot (like you). I’m 32, who gets gray hairs at 32? Brunettes only? WTF. It has been a pity party for me for a while, and I’m not expecting the party to stop for another 6 months. Boo. Wish I could have a drink!ReplyCancel

  • Erin - I feel you..I sooo feel you !! I will say it again though.. I saw your 30th bday pics and I thought you looked beautiful, not beautiful for a mom.

    I do understand though, and believe me I get pissed off when I look at pictures of myself these days. I too, have a ridiculous amount of gray hair that I can’t afford to get fixed by a professional. I’m pretty sure that within 5yrs, I’ll actually consider botox with the lines around my eyes, and my stomach will never see the light of day again. EVER.ReplyCancel

  • Susan - I feel you. I think it’s perfectly okay to know rationally that it will take time to feel like yourself again, but be irrationally pissed off about it, too.

    I’m glad you know deep down you are beautiful – because you are. And I agree with the other folks who said to take the pictures even when you don’t feel it. You can always sort/delete/edit them in a few months when you’re feeling better about yourself.

    Why are women so hard on themselves? We are always holding ourselves up to some standard, some ideal weight or image we feel we “should” be. How sad is it that I feel like I look “great for being a mom,” and not just “great.”? And I’ve long since lost my pregnancy weight…ReplyCancel

  • Amy - Ugh – I totally remember feeling like that after my second was born and never thought I would get “me” back. I tried highlights but hated the upkeep so backtracked to straight on color…but those grays following the birth of babe#2…YUCK! And the clothes issues – too big, too small, not bf friendly, enough to drive a woman BONKERS! But hey, you are out running, and you are beautiful! I bet your kids and husband think you are the most beautiful girl in the world and you will to…maybe not tomorrow or next week but you WILL get YOU back…I PROMISE! Until then I encourage you to check out the Embrace the Camera challenge at Emily’s blog: http://andersonfamilycrew.blogspot.com/2010/05/embrace-camera.html

    …you’ll be glad to have those pictures of you and the kiddos one day, regardless how you feel about yourself today!ReplyCancel

  • Joanna - All I can say is that it totally sucks to feel like this and I hope you get to do something fun and just for yourself soon to help you feel better. hugs!ReplyCancel

  • Monique - Totally understand. Frankly, I thought I was a cute pregnant lady…and then after I had her-UGH. Almost 2 years later and I weigh about the same as before I got pregnant but my body looks totally different (how did pregnancy make my ass flatter?).
    The only thing I can say is make time for yourself when you can. Take 10 to squeeze in an eyebrow touch up and apply some self-tanner.ReplyCancel

  • Makala Pollard - Random comment here, but I know you just bought a Nikon. If you keep deleting photos off the memory card it will trash the card pretty quick. And on another note-you look great!ReplyCancel

    • Jill - Interesting. I actually bought a Canon, but I wonder if it’s the same way? And thanks.ReplyCancel

      • Makala Pollard - Ah, a Canon. Yes it is a standard thing with DSLR cameras. I work with photographers and learned that tidbit when I bought my new one. Just passing along!ReplyCancel

  • Rachel - I could have (if I had your way with words, I mean) written this post after having my son last spring! I hope it makes you feel better that you’re not the only one who feels exactly like this! From loving my pregnant body to the aches and pains resulting from carrying a new baby, breastfeeding and cosleeping… been there! It sure makes me feel better to know others go through the same thing :) give it a few months, your old self *will* come back!ReplyCancel

  • vtjill - Amen. Have felt/feel all you say above. It IS so unfair and hard not to beat yourself up over it all.ReplyCancel

  • Jenn @ Middle of Mommyhood - Yes. Yes. This.
    I know that it’s normal for us to feel this way, but it doesn’t make it any less crappy. I haven’t been able to put this into words for my husband, but now I’ll just show him this.ReplyCancel

  • Lindsay N. - AMEN AMEN AMEN. As much as you deserve a day to yourself, to treat yourself to a haircut (which so many take for granted), highlights, maybe throw in a little shopping…yes, as much as you deserve that, you will feel guilty to take time for YOURSELF. But you NEED to do that, just one afternoon. Do it. For you. Happy Mom = happy household.

    It’s ok and normal to feel the way you do. I think we can all relate. And winter? Dear lord, winter needs to be O V E R already!ReplyCancel

  • Kendra - ugh, YES. Totally agree. My baby’s almost a year old, and I’m sick of hating what I see in the mirror. It’s so hard to be a parent in the first place, and even harder when you don’t feel good about yourself.

    Like you said, I know I need to get my act together and be a healthy, happy example for my daughter. Wish me luck, and I’ll wish you the same!ReplyCancel

  • Ginger - Can I get an AMEN? I told my husband the other day that Jackson is going to think I didn’t live here when he was a child, because of the thousands (yes, thousands) of pictures of him, there are maybe…50?…with me.
    I finally just said screw it, it’s more important that he have pictures of us than I look great. I stopped deleting all the photos. Oh, and I’m trying to train my husband to take photos of me from ABOVE, not below. I don’t need extra shots of my double chins thanks.ReplyCancel

  • molly - Oh goodness, I’m sorry you’re feeling so frumpy. I feel that way on a daily basis.

    I started getting my first few white hairs at 28 and that was when I was pregnant with my 1st! You don’t even want to know what I’m covering up now :)

    My under eyes are a nice shade of dark purple.

    But I think the thing I am most sad about are my boobs. After two pregnancies, one lousy attempt at breastfeeding and another painful success at breastfeeding and weaning quickly and early – they are flat as a pancake. There is no “perk” left at all. Bras don’t fit and they are totally scarred up.

    I don’t feel sexy anymore. I think that’s why I took up yoga. I don’t need to lose weight. I need to gain muscle and tone up. And I need to get to a place where I love my body and myself again.ReplyCancel

  • E - This is the exact reason I’ve been converting a lot of my pictures to black and white. It hides so very much.

    I won’t tell you that which you don’t want to hear (even though I do think you look great). I’m seven months out from baby 2.0 and still can’t button some of my work pants. I tell my husband that I can’t possibly work out because I don’t want to put my supply in danger. The truth is I just don’t have the energy this time.

    I’m trying to be nicer to myself this time and most days it works. Of course I’m also considering buying a girdle so what do I know???ReplyCancel

  • Megan - ooohhh I feel ya girl! I had my 2nd two week before you.. didn’t get a single stretch mark with my 2 year old, but this one… HELLO. I just feel grose, like it looks like cellulite on my abdomen! My husband knows how much those lovely purple roadways bother me… so he bought me some Mederma one day after work! I’ve been using it for 3 weeks now and they have already gotten lighter. Just a suggestion! I know that there are 3 or 4 dollar off coupons online too :) Goodluck! … this stage of the game SUCKS!ReplyCancel

  • TheFeministBreeder - Girl, I know EXACTLY what you mean, and I ain’t gonna tell you you’re pretty because that shit just makes me want to punch people. There are like five pictures of me with these kids, and the ones that DO exist only occurred on a day where I managed to put on makeup. I have cried a thousand times over the way I look now and have told my husband a thousand times that I don’t want my kids seeing pictures of me looking like “this.” When it was time to take Christmas photos, I told him “I’m too ugly to be in pictures.” He thinks I’m crazy and is (for some nutbag reason) still attracted to me, but having kids has flat out RUINED my looks. Okay… TO ME it has. To everyone else, I apparently look about the same, just puffier. But to me? I used to feel HOT. Now? I feel like a troll. A grumpy old troll. Who lives under the bridge.ReplyCancel

  • fuck yeah, motherhood! - No pep talk, just love.ReplyCancel

  • Kmarie - My third and youngest is almost four and I still feel that way. by many standards i am fairly ok looking and considered a good weight- but you are right…FOR ME – it’s not what I am used to. The weight went off no problem with the other 2 but this one I have tried everything and have 15 extra pounds…which is not a lot but it is enough to make my muffin top apparent and for me it sucks. And you are right.
    It’s not only unfair…it is shitty in every sense because we give so much and loose so much of what we are supposed to have.
    Is there a way to make muffin tops and bleary eyes a new sexy trend? I’d be on board for that!

    Anyway, I empathize.ReplyCancel

  • Jennifer - I know. *sigh* I know.ReplyCancel

  • Lauren - God, you took the words right out of my mouth! I almost cried reading this post (partially, I’m sure, because I am pregnant and hormonal) because it is EXACTLY how I felt after having my son and how I know I’m going to feel again in about 6.5 months. The immediate aftermath of giving birth, probably even the first 6 months after, is hell on body image, in my opinion. And, I feel the same way about never quite losing that “mom” look. I don’t want to look good “for a mom.” I want to look good without qualifications! No advice, just commiserating with you…ReplyCancel

  • Stephanie - I hear you! I cut my hair when my daughter was 2 weeks old and didn’t cut it again until this week; a full year later. I’ve said it so many times that your post baby body is like being thrown back into puberty and you have to learn how to get comfortable in it all over again.ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - Word, girl. Word.ReplyCancel

  • Erin - I hear ya. I haven’t had my hair colored since Judah was born on August and when I made my appointment for color I had just had a cut so didn’t make that appointment. Well now my hair just looks like hell and I can only get in for color and ohmigod when am I supposed to get this done? I think there needs to be an after delivery service that comes to your house every few months and preforms routine maintenance you until the baby is a year old.

    Saturday I will have hair that won’t have a gray streak. Mabe the stylist will take pity on me and cut me anyways…ReplyCancel

  • Melanie - All I have to say is: I understand.ReplyCancel

  • Alexandria - As soon as I read the part about Scott saying you looked “fine” I said “But she doesn’t want to look ‘just fine'”. That said I completely understand & sympathize with how you’re feeling now. Maybe you could go & do something nice for yourself that isn’t expensive. A mani/pedi? Home coloring kit?ReplyCancel

  • Heather - Thanks for being honest. I think we’ve all felt this way! I saw a picture of myself recently when I had “gotten dressed” right after Little Dude was born. Clearly, I needed to feed him. My shirt was about to rip wide open. HUGE ONES. Anyway, give it time, and patience. And again, thanks for being lovely and honest.ReplyCancel

  • Krista - I hear ya! My second is now 3 weeks old, and despite the fact that I realize I’m not supposed to look fabulous or have lost all the baby weight yet, I feel so frumpy and disgusting. I had to struggle to find one picture of me with my youngest, and that ended up being right after he was born, so I was a sweaty, bloated mess. There is part of me that wants to start the 30 day shred and starve myself… and then there’s the part that wins out that is contemplating ice cream and a nap. Le sigh…ReplyCancel

  • Karla - Me too!ReplyCancel

  • emily bilbrey - dude? imo? you don’t HAVE TO like the way having a baby has affected your body! i think it kind of sucks how not
    *loving* the purple stretch marks and dull skin and weird hormonal imbalances and leaky boobs automatically means you’re being vain & unappreciative of your body’s amazing capabilities in a lot of peoples’ eyes. i have personally felt that pressure as well and it was/is hard not to be angry. i fell like i’m not allowed to even mention my disdain for my still-painful-after-TWO-YEARS stretchmarks because it inevitably results in “but oh, you should be so happy with the miracle your body created, blah blah blah.” eh. i get that people are just trying to get us to focus on the positive, but certain things about a postpartum body really do just plain SUCK!!! i find that time has helped the most. well, time plus forcing myself to take care of my skin nightly. seriously – FORCE yourself to wash your face at the end of the day. makeup remover (if needed) scrub, moisturize. in less than a week your skin will thank you by contributing at least a little bit of it’s former glow.

    and if it doesn’t work, clinique makes a really awesome cheekbone highlighter. (;

    keep on keepin’ on, mama. and don’t feel guilty for a hot second about not enjoying soggy breast pads and stretch marks. because those things are not fun. and you’re not a jerk in any way for acknowledging that.

    xoxo!!!ReplyCancel

  • Rene - My second son is 14 months old, officially well beyond the age where I can claim that my belly fat, arm fat, ass fat, and thigh fat is “baby weight.” I am huge compared to my old self. It wasn’t hard for my body to return to its pre-pregnancy weight after my first child (although it did take 9 whole months). However, after my second baby, my body turned to all-over crap. I hate all pictures of myself as well. I can’t believe I look the way I do – and it’s especially hard to swallow considering I eat well and exercise. Not sure why my body responded so badly after my second baby, but I have 22 lbs to lose before I’m at my pre-pregnancy weight, and I just look awful overall. At least you are only 2 months post-baby – you have some time. I can’t use my baby as an excuse anymore.ReplyCancel

  • Ashley - Amen sister! I just had my baby 6 months ago and have 10lbs left to get back to my pre-baby body. And I hate how people are like “Oh but you just had a baby.” I don’t care when I had her, I want my freaking body back! And there’s this guy in Ft Worth who does a cute and partial highlights for $55. He’s fantastic.ReplyCancel

  • Lisa - It IS unfair. I’m sorry.

    Please stop looking at the pics. Don’t even look at them and just leave them on the camera, pretty please?

    Do you have any pics from when you’re young of your mom? I do and believe me, there is nothing she could do to look good, because she looks like the 70s! It’s comical. I’m sure she thought she was styling and all, but it was the 70s!

    Give up on spontaneous shots – I know, I know wouldn’t it be great if he just did without asking, but alas, that is a pipe dream. And please stop looking. Let them just be.

    You have every right to feel how you feel and it’s NOT fair, not one bit. Sorry you are going through this now.ReplyCancel

  • Kshiell - I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thanks for being honest and open about it!ReplyCancel

  • Erin - This post and these comments could not have come at a more perfect time. Just last night I had the same blow-up with my husband. Thing is my son is 19 months old and I am still 10lbs from pre-preg weight and 15-20 lbs from where I should really be. It is frustrating, depressing and the reason I refuse to get pregnant with #2. I refuse to get pregnant again looking and feeling the way I do. I am jealous of new moms who look like they never gave birth. I too am hard on myself and no matter what anyone tells me I still hate the way I look. Sorry no help here except to tell you that you are not alone and to thank you for making me feel less alone in these feelings too.ReplyCancel

  • Blair@HeirtoBlair - I happen to have seen somewhere where people were discussing how unfair it is that you’re so gorgeous because they don’t want to like you ;)

    ahem. you know what I speak of.ReplyCancel

  • Veronica - I am a little late to the party but like I said to you on twitter. I am right there with you. it is nice to read your honesty. why arent we allowed to feel like crap without being told “but you just had a baby!” so effing what. It has been really difficult for me to be so uncomfortable in my freaking body. Anyway I understand. xoxoReplyCancel

  • Colleen - I totally feel where you are coming from. My little guy is 6 months old and I still feel horrible about my body. I just ended the hair-falling-out-in-clumps stage and actually managed to get a hair cut, although I hate it. My nails tear every other day and I can’t remember the last time I had it in me to put make-up on- it doesn’t really help anyway.

    I just remind myself that everywhere I go all anyone is looking at is my adorable, chubby cheeked baby and hopefully no one notices I am still wearing maternity shirts and didn’t brush my hair yet…ReplyCancel

  • Zandria - I was reading through some of your posts this afternoon (I met you at the Nintendo 3DS Summit) and I wanted to let you know —

    I had never heard of you or read your blog before I met you last week. So in other words, I didn’t know you were a mother. And the first thing I thought when I saw you was, “Wow. That woman is gorgeous.” Honest

    We tend to see our bodies differently than everyone else does. :)ReplyCancel

  • Jessica - So sorry you feel this way. I am almost 8 months post partum and I still have 30 pounds to lose but working a full time job plus going to a part time job on occasion has not helped to have the time to invest in myself. Now that the weather is nicer here I plan to make the time to work on myself. It is very hard though, especially with nursing and cloth diapering. I wouldn’t not do these things, but they do take some extra time. We want it all and we want it now. We have to remember though even if it doesn’t come right now, we are still strong, hard working, and of course loving, nurturing moms, and that has helped me to look past my muffin top. Ok rant done. Thanks for a wall to post it to, DH wouldn’t want to hear it again.ReplyCancel

  • Angela - I just had my first baby in March and I just came across your post. Your post describes excatly how I feel. I feel like I’m not aloud to feel the way I feel. It annoys my husband when I’m critcal of myself. Just like you I’ve always been this way. Let me know If you do find a way to feel better about yourself. I would like to use it.ReplyCancel

Your email is never published or shared. Required fields are marked *

*

*