If my children grow up to believe they were parented by a single father based on the lack of evidence that they actually did have me, their mother, present in their life, I won’t be able to blame it entirely on my husband’s inability to take candid pictures of me and the kids without me asking him, thus ruining the whole spontaneity of a candid moment.
The truth of the matter is I hate 99% of pictures taken of me these days, so I either end up deleting them, or just not appearing in them to begin with.
I’m going to warn you now that what’s about to spew from my fingers is going to be full of woe-is-me, self pity sentiment. This is not me fishing for compliments. This is not me ignoring the fact that I had a baby a little more than 2 months ago. This is just me… being honest.
I was one of those pregnant women who actually really enjoyed the way she looked pregnant. I mean, yeah, there were days that I felt like a whale, but at least I had beautiful skin and shiny hair. My nails grew long and strong, my cheeks needed nary a touch a blush. Even at 187 lbs, I could manage to feel radiant and celebrate my beautiful belly.
Up to the day I had Leyna, I felt pretty beautiful, even if incredibly large and uncomfortable.
Fast forward 9 weeks later, and my skin has lost it’s glow. It’s dry and pale. The lines under my eyes are deeper than ever. The gray hairs on my head are fighting every box of dye I throw at them with more tenacity than before. Plus, I can’t seem to get any body hair under control because I barely have enough time to brush the hair on my head these days, let alone shave the hair on my legs and pluck my scraggly eye brows.
I haven’t had a hair cut since October, and I don’t have the time or the money to get my hair done now. I’d love to try to blend the gray hairs in with some highlights for the summer, but at $150, that’s just not something I can bring myself to do, knowing I’ll HAVE to go back within a couple months and spend that same amount to blend in my roots.
None of my clothes fit. They are all either too small or too big. Anything I can manage to find to fit this figure (like tunics and leggings… I actually WANT to try these) doesn’t lend itself to being very breastfeeding friendly. Must accommodate the milk makers, you know. Meanwhile, THEY continue to produce so much milk that I find myself having to change breastpads half way through the day after I get a whiff of a vile smell of sweaty, sour breastmilk that I’m toting around in my bra.
And then there’s just the overall state of my body. While I’m losing the baby weight relatively quickly, I’m still left with this sagging skin, these purple stretch marks, these breasts that fluctuate in size depending on the last time Leyna had a snack. My back aches constantly, my neck is always stiff, my posture is comparable to that of the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Scott took some pictures of me and the kids tonight at dinner (after I requested he do so, of course) and I promptly deleted them.
“You look FINE! See, this is why I never take any pictures of you. You never like the ones I take anyway,” he said.
“It’s not YOUR fault. I just look like shit. I look old and tired and like a frumpy… mom,” I replied.
“You are a mom. You just need to get over it. You look fine,” he said.
“I have the right to hate what I look like right now, okay. I don’t want to look ‘fine.’ I don’t want to look ‘good for a mom,” I snapped back while I shoved my camera back into the bag.
People, well-meaning ones, have said to me lately, “You look great for being a mom of two!” or “You look good… for just having a baby.” And what that says to me is if they didn’t know I was a mom or just had a baby, they’d think I look like hell.
I don’t want “mom” to be a qualifier. I don’t want to judge my appearance on some grading curve made to make moms feel better. I just want to look and feel good for being ME. And the way I look right now does not make me feel good.
All that said, I get how ridiculously hard I’m being on myself. That’s just very much my personality, always has been, and it’s something I need to work on. Rationally, I know that.
I KNOW I should be proud of this body for all the amazing things it’s done. I KNOW it’s a very dangerous habit to be in, constantly criticizing and not accepting myself, especially in front of my kids… especially in front of my daughter. I KNOW I’m good enough. I KNOW I’m pretty. The part of me sitting here, typing this out KNOWS all of this.
But the part of me who sees all of this in the mirror? She’s just not a believer these days. And she thinks it’s pretty fucking unfair that her reward for bringing children into this world, for sacrificing sleep, time, money, and a touch of sanity all to love them the best she can every day and night, is THIS body, THESE lines under her eyes, THIS hair that in about 3 weeks will probably start falling out in clumps.
It’s just FUCKING UNFAIR. The end.
Kendall is 2 years 10 months old and Leyna is 9 weeks old (I think? But to tell the truth, I really can’t keep up anymore.) And I have 50 billion gray hairs at the age of 30. Did I mention that’s fucking unfair?
As soon as I read the part about Scott saying you looked “fine” I said “But she doesn’t want to look ‘just fine’”. That said I completely understand & sympathize with how you’re feeling now. Maybe you could go & do something nice for yourself that isn’t expensive. A mani/pedi? Home coloring kit?
Thanks for being honest. I think we’ve all felt this way! I saw a picture of myself recently when I had “gotten dressed” right after Little Dude was born. Clearly, I needed to feed him. My shirt was about to rip wide open. HUGE ONES. Anyway, give it time, and patience. And again, thanks for being lovely and honest.
I hear ya! My second is now 3 weeks old, and despite the fact that I realize I’m not supposed to look fabulous or have lost all the baby weight yet, I feel so frumpy and disgusting. I had to struggle to find one picture of me with my youngest, and that ended up being right after he was born, so I was a sweaty, bloated mess. There is part of me that wants to start the 30 day shred and starve myself… and then there’s the part that wins out that is contemplating ice cream and a nap. Le sigh…
Me too!
dude? imo? you don’t HAVE TO like the way having a baby has affected your body! i think it kind of sucks how not
*loving* the purple stretch marks and dull skin and weird hormonal imbalances and leaky boobs automatically means you’re being vain & unappreciative of your body’s amazing capabilities in a lot of peoples’ eyes. i have personally felt that pressure as well and it was/is hard not to be angry. i fell like i’m not allowed to even mention my disdain for my still-painful-after-TWO-YEARS stretchmarks because it inevitably results in “but oh, you should be so happy with the miracle your body created, blah blah blah.” eh. i get that people are just trying to get us to focus on the positive, but certain things about a postpartum body really do just plain SUCK!!! i find that time has helped the most. well, time plus forcing myself to take care of my skin nightly. seriously – FORCE yourself to wash your face at the end of the day. makeup remover (if needed) scrub, moisturize. in less than a week your skin will thank you by contributing at least a little bit of it’s former glow.
and if it doesn’t work, clinique makes a really awesome cheekbone highlighter. (;
keep on keepin’ on, mama. and don’t feel guilty for a hot second about not enjoying soggy breast pads and stretch marks. because those things are not fun. and you’re not a jerk in any way for acknowledging that.
xoxo!!!
My second son is 14 months old, officially well beyond the age where I can claim that my belly fat, arm fat, ass fat, and thigh fat is “baby weight.” I am huge compared to my old self. It wasn’t hard for my body to return to its pre-pregnancy weight after my first child (although it did take 9 whole months). However, after my second baby, my body turned to all-over crap. I hate all pictures of myself as well. I can’t believe I look the way I do – and it’s especially hard to swallow considering I eat well and exercise. Not sure why my body responded so badly after my second baby, but I have 22 lbs to lose before I’m at my pre-pregnancy weight, and I just look awful overall. At least you are only 2 months post-baby – you have some time. I can’t use my baby as an excuse anymore.
Amen sister! I just had my baby 6 months ago and have 10lbs left to get back to my pre-baby body. And I hate how people are like “Oh but you just had a baby.” I don’t care when I had her, I want my freaking body back! And there’s this guy in Ft Worth who does a cute and partial highlights for $55. He’s fantastic.
It IS unfair. I’m sorry.
Please stop looking at the pics. Don’t even look at them and just leave them on the camera, pretty please?
Do you have any pics from when you’re young of your mom? I do and believe me, there is nothing she could do to look good, because she looks like the 70s! It’s comical. I’m sure she thought she was styling and all, but it was the 70s!
Give up on spontaneous shots – I know, I know wouldn’t it be great if he just did without asking, but alas, that is a pipe dream. And please stop looking. Let them just be.
You have every right to feel how you feel and it’s NOT fair, not one bit. Sorry you are going through this now.
I couldn’t have said it better myself! Thanks for being honest and open about it!
This post and these comments could not have come at a more perfect time. Just last night I had the same blow-up with my husband. Thing is my son is 19 months old and I am still 10lbs from pre-preg weight and 15-20 lbs from where I should really be. It is frustrating, depressing and the reason I refuse to get pregnant with #2. I refuse to get pregnant again looking and feeling the way I do. I am jealous of new moms who look like they never gave birth. I too am hard on myself and no matter what anyone tells me I still hate the way I look. Sorry no help here except to tell you that you are not alone and to thank you for making me feel less alone in these feelings too.
I happen to have seen somewhere where people were discussing how unfair it is that you’re so gorgeous because they don’t want to like you
ahem. you know what I speak of.
I am a little late to the party but like I said to you on twitter. I am right there with you. it is nice to read your honesty. why arent we allowed to feel like crap without being told “but you just had a baby!” so effing what. It has been really difficult for me to be so uncomfortable in my freaking body. Anyway I understand. xoxo
I totally feel where you are coming from. My little guy is 6 months old and I still feel horrible about my body. I just ended the hair-falling-out-in-clumps stage and actually managed to get a hair cut, although I hate it. My nails tear every other day and I can’t remember the last time I had it in me to put make-up on- it doesn’t really help anyway.
I just remind myself that everywhere I go all anyone is looking at is my adorable, chubby cheeked baby and hopefully no one notices I am still wearing maternity shirts and didn’t brush my hair yet…
I was reading through some of your posts this afternoon (I met you at the Nintendo 3DS Summit) and I wanted to let you know –
I had never heard of you or read your blog before I met you last week. So in other words, I didn’t know you were a mother. And the first thing I thought when I saw you was, “Wow. That woman is gorgeous.” Honest
We tend to see our bodies differently than everyone else does.
Thank you, Z. It was lovely meeting you.
So sorry you feel this way. I am almost 8 months post partum and I still have 30 pounds to lose but working a full time job plus going to a part time job on occasion has not helped to have the time to invest in myself. Now that the weather is nicer here I plan to make the time to work on myself. It is very hard though, especially with nursing and cloth diapering. I wouldn’t not do these things, but they do take some extra time. We want it all and we want it now. We have to remember though even if it doesn’t come right now, we are still strong, hard working, and of course loving, nurturing moms, and that has helped me to look past my muffin top. Ok rant done. Thanks for a wall to post it to, DH wouldn’t want to hear it again.
I just had my first baby in March and I just came across your post. Your post describes excatly how I feel. I feel like I’m not aloud to feel the way I feel. It annoys my husband when I’m critcal of myself. Just like you I’ve always been this way. Let me know If you do find a way to feel better about yourself. I would like to use it.