I Wish *I* Had An Office To Escape To

Scott’s been home with us ever since the day I had Leyna, nearly 4 weeks. He goes back to work on Monday and was bemoaning his return last night. I felt he needed a little pep talk, so, being the encouraging wife I am, I gave it to him straight.

“Let me just remind you what a day at the office entails, honey.

You’re going to drive to work. ALONE. You’ll be able to listen to anything you want. Or nothing at all. You can just sit in silence.

And when you arrive, you’ll make a fat cup of coffee, and you’ll be able to drink all of it before it gets cold.

You’ll leisurely check your email while sitting in the quiet comfort of your private office.

You will have conversations with other adults that do not revolve at. all. around diapers or laundry or runny noses.

At no point during the day will anyone throw themselves on the floor in front of you and scream for 20 minutes straight, nor will they expect you to wipe their ass.

You will eat a lunch that you only had to prepare for yourself.

At the end of the work day, you will still have the same clothes on that you started the day out in, and they will not smell like sour breastmilk or spit up. They will not have smudges of snot on them of the rogue squirt of baby poop.

You will drive home, again, ALL BY YOURSELF.

And when you get home, we will all be waiting for you. I, especially, will be waiting for you.”

He nodded and said, “You’re right. That actually doesn’t sound that bad at all.”

And I lovingly smiled… and gave him the finger.

Kendall is 2 2/3 and Leyna is 3.5 weeks old… and on Monday the real lunacy… I mean, fun begins.

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  1. I’m only 3 days behind you – E went back to work Tuesday – and I’ve already had the slight hysterical “WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU HAVE TO GO TO WORK AND I DON’T??! WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK I DO AROUND HERE ALL DAY????” screaming fit. What I wouldn’t give for the chance to walk down to a cafeteria alone and order a sandwich someone else made for me. A MILLION DOLLARS, that’s what.

  2. OMG! YES YES YES. And when he has to go out of town? Oh, 3 meal out? Boo-Hoo. Waking up in a QUIET room? So sad. And he usually travels to Texas where it’s warmer? Where is my invisible violin.

  3. Omg men. They get to go out in the world and have conversations with other adults. They don’t have to clean pee off the floor (or poop) because your toddler decided to take off her underwear and run around. I wish I had an office too :/

  4. Four weeks? FOUR WEEKS?!?!? You had him home with you for FOUR WEEKS?!?!? The most John has been home with me postpartum is four DAYS because there’s no such thing as paid parental leave at his company. He’s been hoarding all of his vacation/sick time since we got pregnant and he’ll STILL only get 6 work DAYS off when I have this baby. It makes me want to end it all now. I’m gonna be home alone with THREE kids while he works two long jobs and goes to school full time – plus have to drag myself back to classes a week postpartum. I pretty much won’t see him until he graduates in June.

    But don’t be too jealous of Scott’s job. For the record, I never made it home without breastmilk spilled all over myself when I was working because I was pumping, which was a way HUGER hassle than just staying home and feeding the baby from the tap. And coworkers can be unreasonable babies too. And if you weren’t home all day, you’d get to come home and do all the housework/meal-planning/laundry at night (feminists refer to this as “The Second Shift.”) And you can fall asleep on the job without worrying that somebody’s gonna fire you (yeah, somebody may get paint in your hair, but still.)

    I do have the best of both worlds right now though – my MIL comes over two days a week while I go to school, so I get my adult interaction and a much needed break from the kids without having to be gone 50 hours a week.

    Still – FOUR WEEKS?!?!? Tell me how we can move to Texas and get John a job at the FDA before Number 3 is here.

    • I KNOW!! I’m so spoiled. And I appreciate the time he had with us, I really do. That’s the perk of working for the government. May not be the most exciting job, but man, they can rack up some PTO, especially after being there so long.

  5. Sounds like conversations my husband and I have. When he tells me how bad his day was, I tell him I don’t even want to hear it.

    After I had the twins, he took a month off of work to “help” me. All he did was drive me crazy. I sent him back to work after 2 weeks. I think he was glad to go 😉

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  7. The grass is always greener…I would gladly ditch my office to stay home with my babies. For me, I think a part time job (maybe 3 days/wk) would be the best of both worlds. Lots of time with my babes, but plenty of interaction with grown-ups, too.

  8. A-FREAKING-MEN!! i had a similar conversation with Kelley when he (finally) went back to work – i also wanted him to recognize that even though we have 2 kids now, his day to day life has hardly changed a bit – when he wants to go golfing, he goes – when he wants to go the Mavs game, he goes – when he wants to go to the gym, he goes – when i want to go to the grocery store (alone), i have to make sure he’s going to be home, make sure there’s milk/food, make sure Sydney’s okay staying at home with Daddy – it’s completely unfair!! and when i worked outside of the home, it wasn’t much different!

  9. holler!
    when Scot moans each morning about waking up to go to work i think all those things! driving! alone! sitting in an office! alone! lunch! hot coffee!

    love this.

  10. Love this. Topher was home with us for 9 weeks due to unemployment. I shudder to think what is going to happen next time when her has to leave after the 2 weeks his company offers (and yet I thank my lucky stars that they have that much!!).

  11. as much as i give my hubs a hard time about traveling for work, i still recognize that i could go back to an office myself if i could bear leaving the kids and choose not to. so i try not to punish him for supporting all of us and doing the best he can. it was a choice to leave my job and raise kids and i’m just wondering if you miss working outside of the home? 4 weeks at home is something most men don’t get get, what a blessing.
    trust me when i say that i’ve seen how hard it is on moms who pull all-nights with feverish kids and then have to face a boss at 8am. they’d trade places with you any day of the week…

    • This really isn’t me complaining about my life or my circumstances in a serious manner. I’m, of course, grateful to be where I am, to have had him home this long. It was all meant to be in jest.

  12. Great blog! I remind my husband of that all of the time!! If anyone can be a mom all day to two beautiful babies, it is you!! Always call me for support or to feel better about yourself while in between your rants, I am yelling at my toddler to not hang from the ceiling fan and telling my baby to stop sucking the dog’s tail for the umpteenth time. Good times!!

  13. It’ll be soooooo much easier than you can imagine. When my husband returned to work my girls and I were able to get into a routine and I find caring for two is much easier when he isn’t here.

    Oddly, though, returning to work the second time was slightly easier too 😉

  14. I love this post. It’s exactly what I try to tell my hubby when he complains about his work.

    Also, I agree with “E”. I also think caring for two by myself is almost easier than when he’s here. I sort of have to help him watch one of the kids. He’s a great dad, but sometimes he doesn’t know what to do or the best order to do things in. Yeah, it’s easier either without him or when I leave the kids with him and *I* go out.

  15. While I do agree with previous commenters about “second shift” – because that shit is HARD – I can’t lie. Even though I DREADED going back to working full time, part of me definitely looked forward to a WHOLE HOUR every single day at lunch when I could do anything I wanted to. Alone. Quiet. With people. Whatever! I could eat a whole meal without anyone interrupting.

    It breaks my heart to spend so little time with my baby boy, but I can’t deny that work is a sort of break too. Even if it’s just as hectic. Even if it means I have to deal with “second shift”.

    People say “the grass is always greener” but I say that whichever side of the fence you’re on the grass still needs mowing and the weeds still need pulling. Motherhood is hard. It’s wonderful, but it’s hard. Any way you slice it.

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