::STAB, STAB, STAB::

I’ve come to the point in pregnancy when it’s best to keep sharp objects away from me, both to protect others from my wrath and to protect me from myself (DIY c-section, anyone? <<obviously, that is a joke).

I can’t go anywhere without getting obvious, blatant looks of shock and awe. People aren’t even trying to hide their bewilderment. A lady looked so scared of me and my sheer size yesterday that I glanced down to see if there was actually a baby crowning that I wasn’t aware of, or if my bag of water had managed to make it’s way out and hang between my legs like an udder.

A 3 year old pointed and shouted across the store, “Look, Daddy! That lady is going to have lots of babies!” Like, I think she thought I’m carrying a litter.

I’ll admit, my belly is like WHOA. Really. I’m carrying around so much at this point that my left knee is beginning to swell and throb and the simple act of brushing my teeth wipes me out. Seriously. I had to take a breather while brushing this morning. I had to lean over on the bathroom counter and rest on my elbows, all while breathing like a 200 lb Labrador in August.

But the looks people give have nothing on the rage inducing, unsolicited comments about my due date. A smattering:

“Oh that is AWFUL! Just awful. That poor baby.” – From the bitch behind me in line at the fabric store upon over hearing me mention my Christmas Eve due date.

“Oh no! I feel sorry for her.” – The asshole salesman at the Apple store who then admitted to installing key-stroke software on his 13 year old’s computer to spy on her.

“Oooohh…. good luck with that.”- The lady with frizzy hair and ill-fitting sweats who approached me at the soda fountain.

Here’s the thing, people. My kid, no matter when she’s born, will be FINE. And really, what the FUCK am I to do about it now? How does your comment improve my situation at all? What the hell are you trying to accomplish? Yes, it may be “unfortunate” if she has to share her day with baby Jesus, but it’s also unfortunate that you have the social skills and tact of a styrofoam peanut, and you seem to be making it through life okay.

Don’t get me wrong. I would love to have this baby BEFORE Christmas. I would love to have this baby TONIGHT. With Kendall, I didn’t want him to come until his due date or after. I simply wasn’t ready. He came 4 days late, and it was perfect.

This time? Well, 99% of “the list” is checked off, Christmas preparations are complete, and my mom is already here. Yeah, she hit the road after my super fun bout of false labor last week that I KNEW was false, but also KNEW if I didn’t have her go ahead and come up, it would become real. So now we wait… and wait… and everyone in this house is terrified of me.

Scott took Kendall to the mall to “shop,” my mom went to “the store” and I’m here by myself. I’m pretty sure they are all just trying to hide from me. I don’t blame them. It’s best this way. I have access to knives here.

And yes, I know, I know… she’ll come when she’s ready, it’s not even my due date yet, a due date is not an expiration date, it’s possible she could be TWO WEEKS LATE. ::headsmash::

That’s not stopping me from trying, even if just to get my mind off of things. To give me something to focus on. In addition to the pineapple I’ve been eating and the Exorcism… er, I mean Labor Cookies I’m making tonight, I’m also planning on eggplant parm tomorrow. That is, if my naked belly dance under the lunar eclipse doesn’t work tonight. Β Add to that that tomorrow is the winter solstice and that this only happens at the same time every 372 years, and I’d say you have the perfect recipe for thousands of women going into labor in the wee hours of the morning. So maybe that will mean there will be no room for me at the hospital, but I won’t be bothered. If Mary could push Jesus out in a manger, I can certainly push my kid out in the ER bay… or the back of my Jeep… we have towels there already. It was on the list. The list Scott said he completed. SO THEY BETTER BE IN THE JEEP ALREADY.

I’m 39.5/39.75 weeks pregnant (depending on which due date you go off of, because *I* know when I ovulated, even if the doctor never acknowledged that).

  • Gil - I completely understand the due date situation…mine was Boxing Day and I got all the same comments. Then my son was born on Christmas Eve so I’m still getting the comments!

    He’ll be 1 on Friday and I wouldn’t change a thing!ReplyCancel

  • Kat - My youngest was due dec 22 and omg the things people said to me too, hello nature takes it’s course and we’ll conceive when we do, they act like we did it deliberately, good luck Jill, she’ll be here when she is and her birthday will be perfect for her!!!!ReplyCancel

  • Mandy - LOTS of hugs… (awkward, non-belly smashing hugs) and good juju.

    Fuck ’em! We have a TON of Christmas birthdays in my family (all within 5 days of the 25th, and some ON the 25th) and none of them are unfortunate, nor do they feel sorry for themselves.

    She WILL be the greatest present ever. I like to think of it that way <3 Maybe Scott can bring a bow to the hospital? Would make a great picture!ReplyCancel

  • Molly in MN - I think we would all like to see this giant train-wreck of a belly because frankly I don’t believe you could be anything but a beautiful pregnant women with her sense of humor still in tact!

    Sending all the good karma I can to you – if anything, to make sure you have a 2010 tax deduction! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Jena - :::hug:::
    Not much else to say at this moment… just a warm supportive hug.ReplyCancel

  • Niki (Strawbrykiwi) - If you give birth in the Jeep they should send you swag for sure! But seriously I hope she makes her exit at just the right time.ReplyCancel

  • DogsThoughts - If you aren’t having bladder spasm’s yet then that little girl’s going to wait to come out. I’ve delivered several babies in my life. American women are so unlike the Hmong women I’m used to delivering! Just make sure you hurry back from that hospital and keep blogging πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • B - Oh, how I remember the exact way you’re feelig all too well. After all, my daughter turns one next Tuesday, so I could’ve written this same post this time last year. Hang in there…you’re almost there.

    People are assholes. That’s what you learn during pregnancy, if nothing else. I got a lot of grief about my due date also, as if I had any power over changing it. Trust me, homegirl isn’t getting screwed over. If anything, she’s getting compensatory presents!ReplyCancel

  • VHMPrincess - I have 2 December babies. And when I think back to how I prayed the 1st would come before Christmas – people GASPED and were AWED when they saw me coming at 40 weeks and 47 pounds, I wish I could slap that young fool. That would be easier NOW – but having that birthday BEFORE Christmas FOREVER will RUIN you, I promise! Trying to have presents and cake and a family get together (birthday baby should not get jipped cause their birthday is near xmas!!) is crazy making. Please hang on until dec. 27!!!!! TRUST ME ON THIS ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Trying to do birthdays AND Christmas at the same time is MISERABLE.ReplyCancel

    • Jena - I’m not sure how helpful a comment this was, given that you basically did everything that Jill said annoys her…ReplyCancel

      • Jen - My husband is december 20 and his brother is the 19th. They are not nor ever were miserable about their birthday’s being so close to Christmas. My daughter was born 3 weeks after Christmas which isn’t necessarily the same thing but still somewhat close – I think this is all great! All the more reason to celebrate, eat and drink. ((((HUGS)))) all will be well! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Megan - People did the same thing to me with Lydia two years ago….and I could care less that her birthday is the 27th. It was a great Christmas present!

    I completely understand about the size gawking. A woman at the store said to me that it was amazing I was out on my own….I still have TWO months left! And I’m a tiny person. A coworker said, “You’re still here!” What will they say in February?ReplyCancel

  • DogsThoughts - Let’s face it, that little girl will make her entry into this world when ever she decides πŸ™‚ I don’t think Jill has a lot to do with it now. Wait, there is a way however with mom there Squeeky bedsprings might rule it out. Hhmmm…..it worked for my wife and I with daughter #2 but we were home alone.ReplyCancel

  • kassia - Sorry again for my comment!!
    My parents did a great job of making me feel almost as special as my sister who had an Aug birthday. But it’s tough. There’s an additional financial burden adding a bday to this already pricey season. No birthday party on your bday. No going out on your 21st to get a drink. Etc.
    I know there’s nothing you can do about it now! I wish I had been more prepared for some of the bummers and it would have been nice for my folks to know how I felt.
    So sorry! Hope you have a wonderful holiday!ReplyCancel

  • Lynet Witty - TOTALLY get that whole people making their own smart-ass comments after you tell them the due date. My kid was born on July 4th. Due date was supposed to be the 1st. So I kept getting comments about it…
    Listen, because I’ve been pregnant twice and get annoyed when people just keep talking about it and telling me I’m gonna have a boy because I’m carrying low, listen, MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS. You can stare at me all you want, whisper so that I won’t hear you, but by all means, leave ME alone. I hate to repeat myself over and over and I don’t know you, so I could care less for what your opinion is.
    People should know this!!!
    Anyways, I will be positive and say that it would be wonderful to be born on Christmas. But it’s not gonna happen. I’m just going to go ahead and take your jinx off so you stress less and concentrate on having this baby naturally and beautifully! Keep your chip up, even if you need to support yourself on the sink! <3ReplyCancel

  • Alexandria - you should pull a phaedra (you know atlanta housewife) and just tell everyone your overdue and be induced then all those random ass hats you came across will be happy. no baby on jesus’ day. πŸ˜›ReplyCancel

  • Abbie - My 1st daughter was due the 22nd and waited until the 30th to arrive- like you I was just fine with the wait.

    This little one is due the 25th and I’m SO ready…operation baby eviction has officially begun. I’m hoping the lunar eclipse does a little something for me (didn’t think about dancing naked under it, may have to try though I might freeze in this weather).

    Also, Christmas birthdays, or near Christmas birthdays are so NOT bad. I hate when people say that too…and it’s not like we have much choice at this point anyway! May the end be near for you- however close to Christmas you get.ReplyCancel

  • Mandy - Ugh. I hated those comments when I was pregnant with my son who was due on Christmas Day. He ended upcoming two weeks early, but it still doesn’t stop the comments. I hope she comes soon πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Sam - Please post a giant belly picture!!!

    And I think holiday birthdays are fun- it’ll make her feel extra special and her birthday will be easy to remember! I’m a halloween baby and it’s always been great (though I DO want to punch people in the face when they make the “oh, that explains a lot” lame joke when they find out my birth date).

    Good luck with the labor inducing cookies!ReplyCancel

  • Becky - I may be the exception, but I am a Christmas Day baby and I L-O-V-E it!

    My mom always made sure my birthday was super special (I’ll be 28 Saturday & she’s still making sure we have a special birthday time) and I’m sure you’ll do the same, no matter when your baby girl is born. Just think, she’ll probably never have to go to school or maybe even go to work on her birthday – what a treat! And she’ll probably get to spend lots of time with family on her birthday, which is my favorite aspect of having a holiday birthday.

    For your sake though, I hope she comes before Christmas. Wishing you lots of labor dust with that belly dancing under the lunar eclipse…I’m sure that will work! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Katie - Ugh, some people. One of my best friends is a Christmas Eve baby. He’s awesome, and I bet he wouldn’t trade his birthday for the world. I bet ninja baby will be awesome too.ReplyCancel

  • kk @ the mom diggity - I want to hug you right now. I was that woman who went two weeks late…and would have gone much longer if I hadn’t strangled my doctor and forced her into cutting that kid out of me.

    Stay away from sharp objects! Sending happy cervix thoughts your way!ReplyCancel

  • Mama Durso - When I was pregnant with my son (last year) he was due on December 23rd also and the stuff people said to me was just ridiculous. I was starting to lose it on these people when one of my friends said, “Y’know, my birthday is on December 23rd and I’m totally okay with it. My mom just made it my day every year and that was that. One year we even did a ‘Halfday birthday’ in June just to shake things up and I preferred having my birthday on the actual day. Only your attitude toward your child’s birthday matters.” And I realized she was right.

    So I just told strangers after that “I’m Jewish and Hanukkah is really a holiday that has been blown up by Christians to make it seem as important as Christmas so they don’t feel bad for taking off work. I think the bigger problem for me would be to have the baby around Yom Kippur.” Yeah, it always felt good to shut people up with that… even if it wasn’t true.

    Hang in there, girlie! Keep the sharp objects in their rightful places!! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • TheFeministBreeder - There’s nothing anybody can say because no matter what, you’ll want to stab everyone until the baby comes out. This is the end – it’s always this way.

    But don’t forget, the postpartum sleepless nights will make you want to stab them all once she’s here too. πŸ™‚ Either way, nobody wins.

    Here’s what I try to tell my anxious clients: as long as that baby is on the inside, you don’t have to change their diaper, or feed them, or listen to them cry! And just remember that when labor starts, you’re going to say “NO NO MAKE IT STOP I WAS ONLY KIDDING!!!!” Just keep that in mind.

    Relax. Listen to these words coming from a mother of two: Breathe as deep as pregnantly possible, and enjoy the last tiny, itsy bitsy portion of your life left before you are a mother of TWO TINY HUMANS. That right there is a whole new hell you don’t even want to wrap your head around right now.

    I spend most days wishing I could shove Julesy, all 40 lbs of him, back in for just five minutes. πŸ™‚

    Also? You can go ahead and give those strangers nasty looks. You are perfectly entitled.ReplyCancel

  • Michelle - “I’m 39.5/39.75 weeks pregnant (depending on which due date you go off of, because *I* know when I ovulated, even if the doctor never acknowledged that).” — this cracked me up…I had the same issue with my doctor! Why don’t they believe us??? Baby ended up coming on MY due date. hehe. πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Sarah - I love reading your blog. I’m due 2 days after Christmas (27th) and I’m ready to start smacking people when the make the Christmas birthday comment! I just tell people she is the only person amazing enough to even possibly share her birthday with Jesus… that usually shuts them up.

    Like wise I bought a pineapple ate it, ate an entire pack of hot tamales while bouncing on my yoga ball under the lunar eclips last night… still nothing πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Carrie - Well…my son, myself, my mom and my sister ALL have birthdays in December and I love it that way! When I was a kid December was just one long month of presents. Who can complain about that????ReplyCancel

  • Rachel - I hear you. My due date was yesterday. I lost my MP 12 days ago and started having other signs, so my mom hightailed it out and kept delaying her return. Alas, she had to get back, so now we are stuck with the B team to watch kid #1 should this baby ever make her appearance. In the past 10 days, I’ve had my membranes stripped, had sex (oh my, did that take a lot of negotiating), walked, climbed stairs, ran in the snow with my 2 yo, ate spicy food, ate eggplant parm, had acupressure, bounced on my birth ball, nested, made a hair appt (surely she would come and prevent me from having my first haircut in 5 months, no? no.). I’ve been popping evening primose oil since 36 weeks.

    I’ve decided December babies are afraid of the cold, and the only reasonable next step is to freeze her out by putting my belly in a bowl of ice. She only has until 41 wks until my midwives/OB say no to VBAC and go with another C-section. Argh!

    Hang in there. And screw the negative Christmas birthday comments. Won’t she look cute in NB Christmas clothes?ReplyCancel

  • LemonslemonsLemons - My birthday is the 28th and my parents wedding aniversary is the 27th. The best thing about having a Christmas birthday is I’m always around family. Plus, now that I’m older, all of my friends come home that time of the year and I get to spend my birthday with them as well. Plue she’ll get more gifts than her brother…ReplyCancel

  • Lindsey@ClassicIvory - Girl you have me laughing…I so remember these days now that you are mentioning the comments…oh the comments…these people are lucky you don’t carry a pocket knife (do you?!? for their sake I hope not!).

    I had a guy at Lowes ask me if ‘I even knew what a VOC was’. He should have feared for his life.

    Your little munchkin will come when she is ready…but I will be over here sending labor vibes your way starting NOW πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • DogsThoughts - My guess is Jill’s not home this morning. Take a big breath and PUSH, PUSH………ReplyCancel

  • Donna - “if my naked belly dance under the lunar eclipse doesn’t work tonight” This actually made me LOL, hysterically! And as for a DIY c-section, I threatened the very same with my daughter. I was having a section, but had pre-ecclampsia and was suffering from the world’s longest migraine. I ‘told’ the good Doctor, that either she removed the baby, or I would do it myself…. she did!

    Try and relax and enjoy Kendall’s last days as an only child (easier said than done I know). If all else fails, enjoy your Christmas! Hope Santa is good to you all, you deserve it. I love this blog!!ReplyCancel

  • sarah - I am 36.5 weeks pregnant & your post had me guffawing in my cube. My husband’s birthday is 12/28 and mine is 1/8 so we both know a little something about the Christmas-adjacent birthday. He has always loved having a bday on the 28th, so tell all those super irritating people to shove it. Good luck with the last few DAYS, and think of what a great story it will be if you do have to give birth in the back of a Jeep…ReplyCancel

  • TheNextMartha - I love you. Also? I can’t wait for her to be born even if she didn’t choose to share a birthday with me. I’ll always think of her around this time. Or when I see rocks.ReplyCancel

  • Mandy - I like you.ReplyCancel

  • Melissa - My sister’s birthday is December 28th, and I remember my mom being very stabby the year she was born. Because in addition to the “you’re as big as a house!” and “wow, gettin’ ready to pop, aren’t ya?” comments, they also added in the, “kids with christmas birthdays are so sad, they never feel special” and the kicker (for my mom at least) “don’t you think it was selfish to ruin Melissa’s christmas by being so pregnant?”

    My mother is the queen of the sassy comeback and here are her responses, in order (for your own use, or just to laugh at):
    Never seen a pregnant lady before have you? A man like you, with that charm, being up close and personal with a woman would be difficult.

    Lady, I’m not sure what kind of birthing experiences you’ve had, but if something pops, I think you’re doing it wrong.

    The best thing about having me for a mother is that you feel special all year long, I don’t make my kids wait for their birthdays.

    And the last, “Blame it on her father. I told him to get off me, because that fooling around last winter was just going to ruin the kid’s Christmas this year!”

    My little sister’s birthday is December 28th, and we love it. She always had a party in December and another big party in June for her “half birthday” since most kids weren’t able to come to the one during Christmas break. Not feel special? She’s the only person I know who celebrates her birthday twice a year!

    Plus, she tells people each Christmas that unless the gift is twice as expensive, it doesn’t get to count as a Christmas AND a birthday present!ReplyCancel

  • Rachel - you’re doing great! in the words of Scrubs character, Dr. Kelso, “People are bastard-coated bastards with bastard filling.” My motto these days. I’m 30+ weeks with twins. When an acquaintaince of mine told her husband, he gave me such a look of disgust (they have a 10 month old) as if to say, “what WERE you THINKING?!?” Um, as if I HAD ANY SAY IN THE MATTER? Like you said, WTF am I supposed to do about it now?!?
    Good luck to you!!! (love your blog, if it’s any consolation πŸ™‚ )ReplyCancel

  • Lisa - I always thought if I had a baby in November (home of 4 birthdays in hubby’s immediate family) or December, I’d just celebrate the 1/2 birthday in May/June and do something little on the main day. We’ll see if that ever comes to pass or not.

    But since the full moon officially started at 3:13 today, I’m hoping you are in full labor by now.

    Finally, I am TOTALLY with you on “I know when I ovulated dammit.” If I ever get pregnant again, I’m just taking that date -14 to tell them as the 1st day of my last cycle. They just cannot let go of their charts.ReplyCancel

  • Kimberly - I think I’m going to need to see a picture of this so-called hugeness… because you’ve looked awesome in every single photo I’ve seen!

    All the best… the waiting game is SO hard… can’t wait to hear the news and hear all about your precious girl’s entry into this festive, decorated, Christmas-y world! πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Johanna - People suck. My birthday is December 27th and people have felt sorry for me my entire life. Feck Em. Your girl will be fine. She will also spend 90% of her life not having to go to school or work on her birthday, which I think is awesome.ReplyCancel

  • becky - I’m totally envisioning myself 2 years ago exactly. C’s due date 12/22 – I was induced against my will 12 days later. I went to the mall 2 days before christmas for 4 hours – oh the stares I received. And also the “Christmas Baby” comments and yes…and my family was TOTALLY steering clear of me & walking that fine line. Hang in there, I TOTALLY feel you right now. Can’t wait to see beautiful baby girl picts whenever she decides to make her appearance!ReplyCancel

  • Upstatemamma - Oh my goodness!! I know those feelings! You should hear the stupid, tactless things people say to me. I swear people think that because something pops into their head it absolutely MUST come out of their mouth. It is insane.

    And then the oh so ready feeling! Big Sister came at 41 weeks and 1 day and I was so overdone by then. I mean my mother had gone on and one about how all babies in our family come two weeks early so I was sure I would not see my due date. So, by the time she came out I felt like she was three weeks late – this time I am simply not expecting him/her until 42 weeks. πŸ™‚ReplyCancel

  • Tracy @ Sweet Harper - My sweet daughter turns 2 tomorrow (12/24)! It stressed me out at first, but now I love her birthday and that she’s my “christmas baby”. We have started many traditions to make sure the focus is on her for her special day. And for the record, as her mommy…best.christmas.memory.ever!ReplyCancel

  • Yvette Ball - My sister’s birthday is December 28th, and I remember my mom being very stabby the year she was born. Because in addition to the “you’re as big as a house!” and “wow, gettin’ ready to pop, aren’t ya?” comments, they also added in the, “kids with christmas birthdays are so sad, they never feel special” and the kicker (for my mom at least) “don’t you think it was selfish to ruin Melissa’s christmas by being so pregnant?” My mother is the queen of the sassy comeback and here are her responses, in order (for your own use, or just to laugh at): Never seen a pregnant lady before have you? A man like you, with that charm, being up close and personal with a woman would be difficult. Lady, I’m not sure what kind of birthing experiences you’ve had, but if something pops, I think you’re doing it wrong. The best thing about having me for a mother is that you feel special all year long, I don’t make my kids wait for their birthdays. And the last, “Blame it on her father. I told him to get off me, because that fooling around last winter was just going to ruin the kid’s Christmas this year!” My little sister’s birthday is December 28th, and we love it. She always had a party in December and another big party in June for her “half birthday” since most kids weren’t able to come to the one during Christmas break. Not feel special? She’s the only person I know who celebrates her birthday twice a year! Plus, she tells people each Christmas that unless the gift is twice as expensive, it doesn’t get to count as a Christmas AND a birthday present!ReplyCancel

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