So I’m in a bit of a funk lately, and I don’t really know why, but I have a feeling it has a lot to do with the impending arrival of my second baby.

I’m going to have two babies.

I said that last night, out loud, for what felt like the first time, and I started crying.

I’m not ready for this. I don’t think I want this. Can I take it back?

Here’s the thing, our life is pretty great. My son is MY WORLD. And how on earth can I have two worlds? How can I bounce back and forth between the two without letting one drift away. What if one gets out of my reach, what if I neglect one, what if one is more comfortable than the other?

What if I’m about to screw everything up? Not that I have everything figured out as it is, but at least I’m starting to find balance.

I laid in bed last night and truly wondered why I wanted this, why I would ever do this to our family dynamic. And then, of course, I felt guilty… because who wonders that about their unborn baby? Their PLANNED unborn baby?

I’m a giant wrecking ball of hormones. I wish I could write something more inspiring, more witty, something funny. But I can’t seem to claw my way out of this funk. I can’t keep from thinking and worrying. It’s all I can do to keep from crying.

My son, my world is 2.5 and I’m 35 weeks pregnant

54 thoughts on “The Truth Is, I Wondered If I Could Take It Back”

  1. Jill,
    Don’t beat yourself up… I think it’s a common feeling among moms pregnant for the second time… how can I POSSIBLY love the second one as much as the first, not neglect one or the other…. etc. Pregnancy hormones notwithstanding. But you are going to be great… I’m only 4 weeks into this, and doing it pretty much on my own, and it’s much easier than I anticipated. Just as easily as you became a boy mom and melted into that role, you’ll melt into the role of mommy-of-two. I promise… you’re an awesome mom and you’ll only get more awesome as you learn to parent two! ((hugs))

  2. Oh, Jill. I don’t know what to say that can make you feel better at this point. Because I know, during my second pregnancy with my UNPLANNED baby, I developed such a high amount of anxiety and depression that I had to take an antidepressant to pull myself out of it and be ready for when he joined the world.

    I’m glad I did because by the time I gave birth I was in a good place. But I spent much of the time worried about how my first son would feel about this new baby taking over our home. And taking over my time. I worried, fretted, regretted . . . wondered why in the world I was even pregnant (I was on birth control).

    Everyone, and I mean everyone, told me not to worry. And I kind of secretly hated all of them. But you know what? He was born and I took one look at him and fell in love. He just fit. Has it always been easy? No. Correction, HELL NO.

    In fact, Brigham is NOT what I would call an easy baby. Not his fault. It was the ear infections. But I still can’t imagine my life without him.

    You will falter. Things will change. You will yell at Kendall for trying to head butt your baby girl. But this was meant to happen. Trust me.

  3. I’m just glad that someone else feels like this too. Those are pretty much the exact thoughts I had for my entire first trimester (and maybe then some) even though the babe was planned, there was still a level of “what the hell did I just do” that kept running through my head.

    I wish I had advice for you, I just keep telling myself that there were reasons we wanted another baby, that I didn’t know how I would be as a mother in general (and so far that’s worked out OK) and that I had different (but similar) freak outs when I was pregnant the first time.

    You’ll do great. Kendall will do great. And I will be looking forward to reading all about it to feel better myself. So, thanks in advance! 🙂

  4. I felt this way during my second pregnancy, too. I also felt guilty afterward – when I felt closer to this new baby than my firstborn. It was hard, not going to lie. It was a bigger adjustment than anyone could have ever warned me of. But here we are, almost 2 years later. We have all adjusted. The kids love each other dearly and yes, they argue and fight occasionally (that happens no matter what), but we all have our own place in this family and we are all happy with how things are.

    You will struggle with feeling guilty, with adjusting everyone to their new roles. But you will get it, and when you do, it will be bliss! Good luck!

  5. I’ve never commented on your blog before, but this is one post I can say something about —

    I felt the EXACT.SAME.WAY. My 2nd was unplanned, and my 1st was only 6 months old when I got pregnant. We had tried for 2 years to have her, and she was all I wanted. And she was a tough baby. And I was suffering from PPD. When those 2 lines showed up I freaked out.

    I spent the whole pregnancy wondering how I’d handle 2 of them, how I would love 2 of them. And when I got put on bed rest, resenting the unborn for taking me away from my “favorite” daughter.

    When she was born, I just wanted to get both of us home to my then 15 month old daughter. I wanted my baby. My babies.

    Not to say that I didn’t love Baby #2, but it was still kind of all about baby #1.

    Seeing my oldest fall in love with her little sister was the first step.

    The second came the first time that I sat with both of them asleep on my lap. I realized that there is enough love to go around, and I CAN love them both.

    Now, a year later, I can’t imagine it any differently! The girls are best buddies, and I adore them both!

    Just give yourself time. Don’t beat yourself up!

  6. I dont have a second baby or one in the near future because it just doesnt feel right yet. But I do know that I felt the exact same way weeks before my daughter was born…and just when she was born, I couldnt think of life without her.

    I talked to my mil and mom about a second…how will I ever love another baby? Their answer: you just do.

    Hang in there. She will be here soon, and all your answers will be somewhat answered 🙂

  7. Don’t be too hard on yourself because you are not alone. I started feeling this way when I came home with my second baby. There’s an adjustment period of course for the firstborn and she was so mad at me. And I cried and cried…what did we do? Did we ruin it for our happy little girl?
    But as my hormones calmed down and that first week of madness wound down, I stopped feeling that way. Mostly. There were still moments. Its pretty crazy around here most days and our baby girl is 7 and a half weeks. But you just roll with it and then suddenly, you are a mother of two and owning the title!
    And like Kimberly said above, watching your firstborn become the older sibling…it’s amazing and priceless.

    1. I agree with this post wholeheartedly. There is an adjustment period, especially (not surprisingly) in that first week or two. My daughter adored her new sister but was so mad at me (I think mainly for being ‘gone’ for three days in the hospital). I cried. Alot. And then things started to click in very small ways and things got much better. You will do great, you just have to hang in through that crazy initial period.

  8. Aw, sweetie! I’m sure you are not the first woman to have those feelings. I can’t relate as I am not in your position nor have I been. But I have friends with two and three children, and it is obvious they love each of those children dearly. Their time may have to be divided, but their hearts do not.

  9. I had the same anxiety with all 3 of my last babies. But when each of those babies were born the anxiety went away, because this new person just totally belonged in our family. Now I get to see why everyday, because there is a special bond that siblings share that is so awesome. I love to watch them interact with each. It’s not always perfect but I know they are all glad to have each other. So don’t worry about your little guy because soon he is going to have a new play mate, some one to go through life with.

  10. I think all those exact thoughts and I am NOT even a mom yet. Motherhood is so scary, but I am absolutely certain once your daughter is born you’ll realize how wonderful, bigger and fuller your life and family is. Hang in there- these seem to be normal thoughts and everything will be ok.

  11. I know you have heard this amillion times from a million different people but this is a normal feeling. I had my first 2 sons very close together (13 months apart they are). We waited almost 4 years before having our 3rd. Towards the end of my pregnancy i actually started to regret our choice. Why did we choose to have another. We are so busy with sports and school. Surely adding another baby to the mix is going to leave atleast 1 of the 3 feeling neglected and unloved. Hello ever hear of middle child syndrom? I cried and sobbed and then i gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. And i couldnt imagine our life without him in it. Th ekids love him and wouldnt trade him for anything. Sometimes we fail at perfect parenting. Sometimes one or 2 of the kids dont get all the attention. Sometimes i let the baby lay in his crib for a little bit longer so i can cuddle my bigger boys or help with homework. But it is always love that brings us all together.

  12. Wow, I’ve been feeling the exact same way! Ryan is such a high-need, tough little guy that I have no idea how I’m going to have anything left for the new baby. I’m already exhausted all the time and can’t imagine throwing a newborn into the mix. But, I guess, I also think of my three younger siblings and how much fun we have now–laughing and drinking together at family functions, teasing each other, etc–and definitely want my son to experience the same thing.

    But yeah, it is HARD!

  13. These exact feelings are why I don’t think I’m ready to have a second kiddo (or will ever be). I have talked to my friends about it and lots and lots of discussions with DH but I just can’t get my head around loving another human as much as I love my DS.

  14. I know this makes me sound like a terrible mother, and maybe I am. All I know is that I’m ashamed to say it and probably couldn’t out loud. I felt this way before my FIRST (planned baby). I would sob all the way home from our Bradley classes, sure something had to be wrong with me that I didn’t feel ready, that I felt very little besides panic. Like I was on a runaway train and there was nothing I could do and I wasn’t sure why I got on in the first place.

    and. ok. sometimes I felt this way even after he came. As much as I loved him from the moment I knew he existed, and from the moment I first held him in my arms, during those wee hours in the first few long months, I wondered. Could I take it back? What on Earth had I done?

    I don’t know what to tell you to make you feel better. I’m not sure anything can do that except time. Time will pass and it will prove to you that you have more than enough love. and that everything else will just fall into place. I think somewhere deep down you know it will.

    In the meantime, we’re all rooting for you!

  15. Just picture Kendall kissing her little head.

    Just wait until she talks and they start ganging up on you.

    I actually want to have a second *for* my first. She’ll definitely need reinforcements when dealing with me.

  16. Aww, hun… just wait. That’s all I can say is… just wait. You CAN have 2 worlds. The love you feel for Kendall will grow and multiply by 2 when you meet your baby girl for the first time.

    And then seeing Kendall with his sister. Sigh.

    Just wait.

    Your perfect world is about to become even more perfect.

  17. Hon, I am with you. You are NOT alone in these feelings. My 2nd pregnancy (I’m now 24 wks) was also totally totally planned, and I’ve had anxiety about it pretty much from the moment the test showed two lines. I am NOT ready to be a mom of 2. I’m not ready to short-change #1 OR #2, when that inevitably happens. I don’t think I can handle them both at the grocery store, or at naptime, or traveling. My head simply explodes when I think about it.

    I’m sure we’ll get through – everyone always has. These feelings are just part of the process…I have faith in us, I do.

  18. Oh yes, I freaked out about this a lot when we realized we were accidentally pregnant again when Little Sir was 10 months old. I am still actually terrified of what it is going to be like with 2 babies 16 months apart and #1 not even old enough to understand what is going on or speak intelligibly.

    My super intelligent solution so far has been to NOT THINK ABOUT IT. I just try not to think about the fact that I will most likely lose my mind in about 3 months. Apparently this is called denial.

  19. You are totally and completely normal. I can’t tell you how many times I thought the same thing when I was pregnant with #2. Trust me when I say that it will all work out. You aren’t going to believe how much love your heart really has to give 🙂

  20. I’m so glad you posted this. I’ve just entered the 2nd tri with my 2nd (planned), and mostly all I’ve felt is anxiety. Our lives are so EASY with our first. We have such a blissful existence. Why on Earth did we go and eff it all up?? It’s all just fear, fear, fear. I hope it goes away before birth. 😉

    You are definitely not alone.

  21. I have been through this before. I’m now having my third and last baby. I wonder sometimes if i am screwing up a good thing but I remember the importance of the relationship between the siblings. My kids will have each other long after I am gone. They are 19 months apart and fight but it is so sweet to see their interactions. As soon as the new baby comes out, you will love the new baby as much as the other, just not in the same way. They are totally different amazing people.

  22. I was in the exact same place as you almost a year ago. When we got home from the birth center and I got into bed with the baby for the first time my girlie climbed up onto my bed and into my lap with her brother. She told me “Do two babies, mama!” which to this day still means snuggle both of them together. I was worried that she would squish the baby or pull too hard on him but she didn’t. She’s rougher with him now and at almost 12 months wrestles right back with her. She’s fiercely protective of “our” baby except for when he makes an attempt to play with something that is hers.

    It’s hard to imagine now but in 6 months you will barely remember what it was like to only have one child. K will look like a giant kid and your baby girl will appear preemie sized in comparison. You will worry and fret that you won’t love #2 as much as you love #1 and you’ll worry that #1 is going to feel like he’s been displaced in your heart but none of that will matter the first time you see your baby’s face light up at the sight of their sibling. It will all be okay, I promise.

  23. As I sit here writing this my 2.5 yr old is sitting next to me and his 8 week old brother, helping him learn his ABC’s.

    I felt this exact same way so many times I lost count. I even felt it after the baby was born. It was really a big adjustment and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to love 2 children the same. My oldest son meant so much to me for so long I felt like I was betraying him almost.

    Now that new baby is here and I see just how happy his big brother is with him it melts my heart. I love them both the same amount but I will always have that special place in my heart for my oldest son because he was my first. He’s what started me on this journey and changed my life for the better.

    It’s a big step and a scary one but I am soooo glad I took it. I feel very blessed to have them both. I know you’re going to feel the same way.

  24. I felt the EXACT same way at 35 weeks and straight through until the end. I cried every time I read my daughter a bedtime story, afraid it would be the last time we would have that sweet time alone. I cried every time we snuggled and with every single kiss. I felt like I would be betraying her.

    I gave birth to her brother in the middle of the day. My husband was so excited he ran to daycare to get her and she was there before we left the delivery room. I cried while I was alone with my son, but now, it was because I was afraid that he would never have my sole attention.

    But then we were there, all together and she kissed his little head and I cried once again. She turned and kissed me and said, like only a two year old can, “you happy mama?” “yes, baby, I’m the happiest”.

    It’s not easy, but when you find a quiet moment (around 3am) you’ll realize the joy two babies bring is way more than twice the amount!

    good luck!

  25. Everything you are feeling is absolutely normal. I had all the same feelings, even ones that I was embarrassed to admit. I was scared. Life is so easy with one kid, but having 2 was the best thing we ever did by accident. Our daughters are 15 months apart, best friends and I couldn’t imagine life without our 2nd. You’re not a bad Mom for having these feelings, if anything it shows how much you love your kids. Hugs!

  26. I’m not going to lie and say it is easy or not as hard as I thought it was going to be, because it is harder than I thought and I do feel sad sometimes now that I have my 2nd baby (she is 6weeks old and my son is 26 months). Some days I really don’t know how I get through them cause I’ve got my hands full and my life feels so crazy right now. Not to mention I can’t help but feel sad and somewhat jealous that my husband has taken over a lot of roles with my 2 year old that I used to do. (Bedtime, outdoor play, baths). It’s hard but I know in time it will be my new normal and I’m sure it will eventually become a new normal for you and your family. I knew I wanted my son to have a sibling so the change in family dynamic had to happen eventually. And I’m happy to say my son has adapted extremely well with all the changes, much better than I thought and better than me!

  27. I did the exact same thing when I was about due with #2. I told me husband a lot of things like “im not your mom!” (who had 5 kids) and “im not Kara!” (our SIL who has 4 kids) and “I cant do it!”… I was scared. I understand totally what youre feeling. BUT- once that inside baby came out, it was like it was always supposed to be that way. Sure, there were difficult times- just like when the first one came along and screwed everything up 😉 but it worked out pretty quickly. And I never wished to take it back again. (ok, occasionally. but only because I want to be all alone sometimes. lol) Hang in there. Itll be ok. I promise.

  28. Thank you for sharing this. I think I needed to see that I’m not alone. I’m 20 weeks pregnant with #2 and have been feeling a lot of guilt and anxiety. Sometimes I feel like I’m betraying my son by bringing another baby into the picture! I worry all the time that I’m not going to be able to adequately take care of both kids, and show them both the love and quality time I want to. I’m just so scared. But then, I think about my own childhood… and I would never ever have not wanted to have my sister. So, even though for a while I know it’s going to be hard, scary, and I’m going to worry worry worry all the time, I’m sure that someday, it will all be worth it.

  29. all that anxiety will fly right out the window as soon as you see your daughters face and she looks into your eyes, and know who her mama is. {{{hugs}}}

  30. Oh, Second Baby Guilt! I almost started crying in my ob office once because of it, and she reminded me that this is a wonderful gift to be giving each child- the gift of a sibling! I’m so glad they have each other now too! The guilt didn’t seem as bad with the third baby….just in case you ever wonder. 😉

  31. I think you’re inside of my head. This is exactly how I feel. I love my little guy so much and it’s hard for me to see how I can love his little brother, who’s due in 3 weeks, as much. I try to look at my own childhood with an older brother and I wouldn’t trade that for anything.

  32. Jill,
    I went through this too. I started to feel very guilty, like I was taking something away from James and I started to miss the one on one time we had…and Jack wasn’t even here yet. I even cried about it a few times right after Jack was born.

    I didn’t think I had it in me to give that much to 2 children. But I did !! Honestly your heart just grows bigger ! It was quite an adjustment at first, but we found our groove and got into a routine. You’ll be fine, you’ll be a great mom of 2 and Kendall will be a great big brother !

  33. I want very much to give you an enormous hug and a mud pie right now. Also a glass of wine. I’m not sure which you’d like more.

    I think this is normal. I hear women say it all the time, that they didn’t think they could love another baby like their first, but that it just magically happened.

    I guess I’d say, think back to when you first saw Kendall. It was insanity right? You had heard everyone talk about the love, and oh the love and you just can’t imagine the love and blah blah blah and you thought you understood. But then you saw him. And you had never in your entire existence felt anything like that before. And just like that you could and gladly would move the the sun from it’s place in the sky for him. You will feel that for her as well.

    Just because it had never happened before doesn’t mean it can’t ever happen again.

    And yeah it will be an adjustment, but you’ve got this! It’s going to be hard in the beginning but also amazing. And besides this part? The newborn part? You’ve already done this part before. You lived through colic from hell. You can totally handle this.

    If it was a bad idea people wouldn’t keep having them you know.

    Now go get some rocks and put your feet up. I’ll give you a hug in August with any luck.

  34. It’s an adjustment for sure, but you will be just fine. Some days will be hard, some days easy, and others impossible but you’ll get into your grove and get used to a new kind of normal. There are times when I feel like I am not giving my two year old the attention she needs because I am spending so much time with my 6 month old and vice versa, but it really isn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be! (((((hugs))))) 🙂

  35. I’m 36 weeks pregnant with our 2nd baby and I am right there with you. I’m scared as hell about starting all over with a newborn and balancing life with 2 kids. I guess it’s just the hormones and fear of the unknown? I mean people do this all the time and they seem fine, right?

  36. There is really not much that can be said to make you feel better except that what you are feeling is normal and you will be AMAZED at how much your capacity to love another being will be in a few weeks. Before I had my second I had friends that went through this and I didn’t get it. Then, at right about 36 weeks I went through it…oh the tears! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and get ready for one hell of a ride!! 🙂

  37. Okay, I have twins and I am here to tell you that there is DEFINITELY enough love to go around. I will also tell you that while I was pregnant with those twins that I had a recurring dream where I had the babies and was holding them and Spike, our Boston Terrier. (Yes, they were all wrapped in baby blankets.) In this dream/nightmare, I always felt that my puppy was cuter and I loved him more. HORRIBLE, I know. But true, nonetheless.

    I just couldn’t imagine loving anything more than my dog! Isn’t that weird?! (Yes, I LOVE my dog. But, I think the pregnancy hormones must have had something to do with it.)

    Then, once they were born and they finally came home from the NICU after 21 torturous days, we had an incident. In the middle of the night, in the dead of winter, the smoke alarm went off. I sprinted outside with the dog. I forgot I even had children!

    However, my son and daughter are now the center of my world (even the dog still sleeps between me and my husband). It is so much FUN watching them interact. I can’t imagine only having one. Honestly, I occasionally for sorry for the parents of only children because they don’t have the chance to enjoy that interaction.

    While the energy to take care of them will be more than you have ever given before, the joy you experience will be more than double. It will take time to adjust to your new family member (just tell Scott to get the baby if the smoke alarm goes off).

    I also think that having two kids is great for the Dad. My husband has been seriously hands on from day one b/c he had no other choice. Now, you can play man-to-man defense. 🙂 It’s really nice being on the same team in that way.

    Sending lots of positive thoughts your direction!

  38. Don’t worry.

    Love multiplies, it doesn’t divide. Not only will you love your new baby just as much as your son, while still loving your son just as much as ever, you will be delighted to find out that you will ALSO love them in an entirely different way as brothers, watching them grow and interact and love each other.

    Now, there may be times when you LIKE one more than the other, and that’s natural. It also has nothing to do with how much you love them.

  39. TOTALLY normal emotions and worries! Just remember… HORMONES are to blame for all sorts of stuff! Plus, you’re realizing how much life is about to change.

    Such a timely post almost scares me. We’re about to attempt to conceive our 2nd baby together (though my 4th overall). I’ve never had two little ones together. Mine are very broadly spaced (20yo, 12yo, and 1yo). So… thanks a lot! ;-P

  40. I am 32 weeks and felt the same way today!

    We love our first so so much (she’s 3.5) and her formative years were amazing, it seems crazy to ‘split’ that love up. But really, I think we’re just adding love to our nest, and she is so compassionate and ready, I think she will teach us a lot when baby is here.

    I probably cried right along with you at some point today. I hope you had an eclair around the same time I did, too. 😉

  41. Totally normal! It’s because you don’t know what it’s gonna be like when the new member of your family arrives. Trust me, it all fits into place. I am 2 months (today in fact) into being the mommy of 2 and it just works. It’s not easy all the time, but I don’t feel like one of them gets neglected at all. My husband and I work so well together and we both make sure to get somewhat equal time with both the kids. Sure you have big responsibility having to feed the baby, but your husband can change and hold her just as easily as you. Everyone told us that Lane (my 27 month old) would become Daddy’s responsibility, but the best thing my pedi told us was to not let that happen. If suddenly Daddy does everything and Mommy only pays attention to the baby then the older one will feel that. You and your husband are a team-tackle the parenting as such! You’ll love it! Plus, you are about to become the mommy of a baby girl and from experience-that’s the best! Bring on the pink! It’s so fun to have one of each! Hang in there girl!

  42. Don’t beat yourself up about this, Jill. On Wednesday, I was sitting in L&D, then the pre-op room saying to myself, “Why in the world did I think this was a good idea?!”

    I almost feel that same feeling doubly now because I miss Deacon so much… But I’m so damn worried for Rory.

    You’ll be absolutely spectacular.

  43. When I was about 6 hours in to active pitocin-induced labor with my oldest, I told my husband to pack our stuff, we were leaving. Having a kid was not a good idea and I wasn’t ready and I was taking it back. I was serious. I’m fairly certain if I had been able to unattach myself from all the stuff, I’d have been out of there and just sat with my legs tightly crossed for the rest of my life. I’d currently have a 5 year old in utero. And, at the time, that sounded like a better plan.

    And yet, somehow, now I have TWO kids I couldn’t live without. Motherhood is strange.

  44. You know what? From the moment we get pregnant we’re somehow responsible for every little thing that goes wrong with the baby.
    It’s always mommy’s fault (and let’s admit it, some times it is), but you know what, we’re also the ones there for our kids 24/7, and we’re also the ones responsible for the wonderful, happy little people they are and all the wonderful little things that other people adore about them.
    Jill, you have a gorgeous son, and as challenging as he can be sometimes you’re an amazing mom,and I know it for a fact that you’re going to be an even more amazing mom of two. And you’ll totally make us all wonder if you’re even human for doing it all and staying sane and keeping it real.
    It’s our job as moms to worry about every tiny detail (come on, we’re responsible for the life of someone who completely counts on us) but it’s also our job to somehow make everything work. 🙂

  45. The minute baby is born you will forget this feeling. I felt exactly like this leading up to the birth of my daughter. “My son is awesome, why would I want to take time away from him?” But, now he has a sister to play with, a best friend, and I love them both. I couldn’t imagine it any other way. My son was 4months shy of 3 when my daughter was born (now 9mos) and he was the perfect age, no jealousy, nothing. I still have the odd day where I miss our “us” time but she naps and we play, and sometimes, if I can get her to nurse long enough my hubby trust she will not want boob again, I can run to the store with my son and spoil him- just us!
    I spent less than 12hours in the hospital total because I wanted to be home with my son, and my son was there mostly, I had her at 4am, 15mins after getting to the hospital, and he came at 9am and would come/go with hubby until we left.
    You WILL love both, you WILL be happy, and you WILL realize that two babies is way more fun than you imagined!

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