6 weeks out

I think I’ll have a Halloween party. I think I’ll have a toddler Halloween party. That’s a fabulous idea! A cute little party, nothing big, just something for all the kiddos, something for Kendall. It will be nice to do this for him before the baby comes. Can’t be that hard… I’ll keep it really small.

4 weeks out

Time to send invites… let’s make it an Evite, keep it paperless and eco-friendly.  Super easy to just upload everyone’s email addresses…. Wow. So, hmmm… that’s a lot of email addresses. That’s a lot of people. Oh well, surely a lot of them won’t show up. It’s Halloween weekend. They probably all have other plans.

3 weeks out

Soooo… lots of yes’ RSVPs… not so many no’s. Where are we going to put 35 people in this house? Holy crap. Scott’s going to kill me.

2 weeks out

This won’t be so bad. Lots of people will be great! Lots of kids, lots of fun. We’ll have snacks and crafts. I’ll put in an order with Oriental Trading company. We’ll keep it cheap.

I’ll make some delicious pumpkin muffins that I saw on the Pioneer Woman, and I’ll make banana bread. I can even make some dulce de leche in a can to dip apple slices in.

I’ll use the Party Like a Kid Halloween printables for decorations, and we’ll set up a mini pumpkin patch in the back yard. We can even set up a photo opp spot with a hay bale and a giant scarecrow and some potted mums. The kids can all get their picture taken there and I’ll print them all out and mail them out after the party. Maybe they can even color their own magnetic picture frame at the party? Yeah.. that would be awesome! This is going to be so easy. Piece of cake. Nothing to worry about.

1 week out

Shit. I missed the shipping deadline for Oriental Trading Company. I’m exhausted and I need to go shopping for party crafts. I guess I’ll hit up Hobby Lobby tomorrow.

6 days out

Craft stores are where stress goes to get it’s freak on and procreate. Way too many choices, yet nothing I had in mind. No fuzzy magnetic Halloween picture frames? No foam stick-on pumpkin faces? No time to think this through. Kendall has about 5 minutes before he self destructs. Why did I ever decide to bring a 2 year old with me? Oh right… because I DON’T HAVE A CHOICE. Distractions? Tell him about the party! Include him! I know you’ve kept it hush hush up to now so he won’t bother you about it, but this will keep him quiet. Tell him we’re having a Halloween party with all our friends. Brilliant. I am a freaking toddler whisperer.

Not.

He thinks he gets a say in things.

Although, he’s adorable. Now telling everyone who passes, “Hewwo. I Kendall. I have Halloleen party at mah house wit mah fwiends. I get stickers.”

Yeah, okay. We’ll get stickers.

“At my Halloleen party, we dance to Katy Perry, okay momma?”

Here come the demands of the 12 year old girl trapped in my 2 year old son’s body.

4 days out

Get stomach flu. Puke brains out. Spend the next 24 hours not preparing for the party or cleaning the house AT. ALL. Instead, make giant messes everywhere.

2 days out

Begin cleaning flu germs out of the house. Nag Scott a little more about how important it is that the guest bath be back to fully functional in time for the party.

Begin to make mental list of all the things to buy tomorrow-
pumpkins for pumpkin patch
pot of mums
giant scarecrow
food
decorations
napkins and plates

and all the things to clean
the bathrooms
the windows!
the kitchen floor

and all the things to cook
the Pioneer Woman pumpkin muffins
the homemade cream cheese frosting
the dulce de leche

Start to wonder if I’ll get it all done. Foolishness! I’ll be fine. It’s just a simple little party with 35 guests. Check Weather.com and pray there’s no rain in the forecast. We’ll definitely need to let people spill outside.

1 day out

Begin metamorphosis into PSYCHOTIC WIFE OF DOOM. Breathe fire on husband every 30 seconds, nothing he does is right. Realize time is flying at warp speed.

WHY CAN’T I STOP TIME TO CLEAN THE HOUSE?? WHY DOES THIS HOUSE EVEN NEED TO BE CLEANED? WHY CAN’T WE EVER KEEP ANYTHING CLEAN? WHY DID I DO THIS TO MYSELF? CLEAN, HUSBAND, CLEAN!!! FASTER!

Pick up printables from Kinkos because piece of shit printer doesn’t have enough ink.

Head to evil empire Walmart. Throw last 12 pumpkins in cart while shooting laser beams of death out of eyes at little old lady headed toward me for one.

F*ck Pioneer Woman’s fancy pants recipe. Am now making box mix cupcakes.

F*ck homemade cream cheese frosting. Betty Crocker for the win!

F*ck dulce de leche in a can. That shiz takes 4 hours to cook! And it very possibly could, literally, blow up in my face. Grab two tubs of caramel sauce.

Argue with husband, who thinks his opinion matters, about decorations and plates and napkins. Psychotic Wife of Doom amasses super powers while in evil empire, becomes even more psychotic, even more full of doom. Am now breathing fire AND spitting napalm.

Come home, clean more, bake my ass off, yell at husband, ignore child, QUESTION SANITY x 1,000.

Bed at 12:30

Day of party

Wake at 7:30, QUESTION SANITY, realize Psychotic Wife of Doom is still amongst us.

CLEAN. Half ass the windows. These are parents of toddlers we’re having over. Surely they will understand smudgy windows.

Contemplate dog murder after learning (via my nose) that the Labrador contracted some sort of foul case of flatulence mixed with deadly butt juice over night. Nix idea upon realizing dog murder would just make more of a mess to clean. Grab bottle of Febreze and light 50 candles.

Am pretty sure husband is drawing up divorce papers. NO TIME, NO TIME FOR DIVORCE! MUST SET UP PUMPKIN PATCH! NO, YOU ARE NOT PUTTING THOSE PUMPKINS IN STRAIGHT LINES! HOW HARD IS IT TO LINE UP PUMPKINS?!

Realize we forgot potted mums and giant scarecrow. F*ck photo opp spot. Am over it. Am over everything.

30 minutes until party

Everything is done, house looks great, Psychotic Wife of Doom is gone. Apologize profusely to husband and child. Put on makeup. Put on smile.

Ding Dong

Cue smoke and mirrors.

The party was actually a great success. We had over 30 other people here, including 14 kids under the age of 3. We had hot apple cider and coffee for the adults, cold apple cider for the kids. The pumpkin spice cupcakes I wound up making were DELICIOUS and so easy. Several people on Twitter suggested I try this recipe:

1 box spice cake mix
1 can pumpkin puree
Mix together (will be really dense), bake at 350 for 20 minutes. Seriously, YUM. I topped them with canned cream cheese frosting.

We also had banana bread and apple slices, all of which about 90% was left over. I guess it’s hard for people to eat when they’re chasing their toddlers through someone else’s house.

Kendall had a blast, the weather was perfect, and I *think* I did a good job hiding Psychotic Wife of Doom’s presence once people got there. I have, however, promised my husband I will never do anything like that ever again… at least not while 8 months pregnant. He is a saint for putting up with my moods sometimes, and there should seriously be an official, medical term for the level of psychosis that takes over me 24 hours before I host an event. It’s a freaking miracle our relationship even survived the days leading up to our wedding.

I wish I could share pictures of the party with you, but uh, I don’t have any that aren’t blurry or too dark or just plain terrible.

I do, however, have a few Halloween pics to share.

And a 32.5 week belly picture

Hope your Halloween festivities were fun! Please tell me I’m not the only one who loses her mind party planning.

Kendall is officially 2.5 today and I’m nearly 33 weeks pregnant. Holy. Shit.

47 thoughts on “The Breakdown Of Party Planning Psychosis”

  1. “Contemplate dog murder after learning (via my nose) that the Labrador contracted some sort of foul case of flatulence mixed with deadly butt juice over night. Nix idea upon realizing dog murder would just make more of a mess to clean. Grab bottle of Febreze and light 50 candles.”

    This made me screech with laughter. I have a 1&1/2 yr old and 3 mini-dachshunds, so I am familiar with the light 50 candles routine!

  2. So I make Dulce-de-Leche apple pie every year. it’s so amazing.

    graham cracker crust, sliced apples along the bottom, and pour the Dulce-de-Leche over all of it. Let it cool. Then whip cream on top. Yum. And oh so easy.

  3. Adorable!! And really, as long as your husband and toddler and both still alive, your level of party psychosis wasn’t that bad.

    Of course, maybe I’m just saying that because as I type this with one hand the other is addressing invitations to a self-hosted baby non-shower I decided to throw the weekend before Thanksgiving. That half my husband’s family is driving 800 miles to attend. And as of right now we have NO BEDROOMS in livable condition, our dining room is full of craft supplies and I have done no actually planning besides browsing the internet for tiny pumpkin pie recipes. This is going to be…hectic. I am not excited.

    1. Oh, Suzanne… oh dear. I urge you, STRONGLY URGE YOU, to reconsider. I barely survived our little shindig and it was only 1.5 hours and didn’t even involve in-laws.

  4. LOL – the party was awesome, and we had a GREAT time. Didn’t notice a single window smudge 😉 But yes, I totally questioned your sanity at throwing a Halloween party at 30+ weeks pregnant for a gaggle of toddlers! The kid had a GREAT time … and so did I! 🙂

  5. Yep, you pretty much just blogged the days and weeks leading up to my daughter’s second birthday. I’m going to show this to my DH tonight to prove I’m not the only one like this!

  6. For the past 2 years when it comes to planning Phoenix’s birthday parties I start early like a year in advance (already have a them for 3rd party in AUGUST) and I have these magnificent ideas and then its 3 weeks until party and I haven’t ordered a damn thing, made one freaking tent or planned any type of activity besides a “freaking awesome cake” and always in the midst I wonder “Why didn’t I just go to Chuck E Cheese?”

  7. Bwahahahahahahaaa !!!! I’m not laughing at you, but this is freaking great. You are a brave brave woman to host something like that while 8 months pregnant and with a 2yr old. I hosted a small playgroup 7 months pregnant when James was 2 and melted down big time the night before. All I had to do was serve a pot of coffee and make a box of muffins, lol. Cut pics though !!

  8. SO not the only one. Before my son’s first bday party I made a list of things that needed to be done. My husband started doing some laundry the morning of the party. Laundry was NOT on the list. My own inner Psychotic Wife of Doom told him so. Complete with fire spitting and panic. My parents, who were there helping, about died laughing and will probably never let me live that down.

  9. Love this! I am so with you on the making monstrous to do lists and questioning my sanity. And when I get in a mood like that, my husband can NEVER do anything right.
    Poor guy.
    Love your belly pic!!

  10. I haven’t had many parties but your post totally reminds me how my mom got before a holiday meal with the entire family. We just learned to stay in our rooms. 🙂

    I’ve also made the cupcakes. They are the ones I get the most compliments on.

  11. Oh my. I’m starting to think we may be the same person. My husband deserves a giant medal of honor for the psychotic cleaning and breakdowns that occur every time I host an event. Not to mention all of the food I make him buy last minute because I’m suddenly concerned people don’t have enough to eat and are going to think I’m cheap.

  12. I laughed so hard I almost woke up my 1.5 y/o. That was me before his 1st birthday this past May. Only I’m a single mom and I was just yelling at myself and the dogs.
    I’m still wiping the tears away.

    Thanks you

  13. Yes, in fact Saturday at the approximate time when I realized in a panic that we would be hosting my mother, her boyfriend, his son, my sister, her boyfriend, my husband’s parents and sister, and my best friend, her husband, and her 3 year old for halloween, and anyone else who came to the front door trick or treating and wanted to visit. I also turned into the pyschotic wife of doom (east coast version). When we were busy trying to clean the house and make sure the 9 month old did not electrocute/poison/other wise harm herself my husband remarked “you get so angry when you clean”. There were not words to explain to him what was going on in my head. Maybe I will just show him this.

  14. Yeah, just forwarded this to the hubs, who calls me superfreak (not in a good way) when I get into one of *those* trances.

    In addition to the planning and shopping and cooking and cleaning, I’m super-freaky about using the *perfect* platters and dishes for entertaining, so everything is presented impressively. One time the hubs put salsa/chips into a cheap plastic tailgating dish; holy balls, his world almost came to an end.

    Thanks for passing on the cupcake recipe — will try it tonight!

    1. Ha! One of the epic arguments we had in Walmart was over a punch bowl for the cold cider for the kids. I wanted a clear plastic one so we could see the plastic spiders and hand shaped ice I was putting in it. He got mad because it was so much more expensive than the cheap Halloween candy bowls that he thought would work. NO. YOU DO NOT GET A SAY!!

  15. Dude – it doesn’t even have to be MY party. Yesterday I broke down at Carsons and yelled at my DH on the phone while sitting on the floor in the dress section practically in tears because I couldn’t find a stupid effing dress for this awards ball I have to go to. I told him “I don’t want to go! I still get the award – I don’t HAVE to be there in a stupid ballgown that I can’t afford.” And he’s all “If you don’t want to go we don’t have to.” an I’m all “You asshole! I’m the only person from my school getting this award, and it’s THE highest award anyone in my ENTIRE family has ever received in the entire history of my white-effing-trash lineage – how can you say we shouldn’t go?!?!?”

    I wanted him to tell me I deserved a dress, even if we’re broke. But after 5 yrs of marriage, he still can’t read my mind. Enter Psychosis.

    (btw, every time I try to leave comments from my iPhone on the mobile version of the site, they get eaten by some “error” message. It’s a good thing iPhone has a copy/paste feature!)

  16. I am throwing a pumpkin-themed baby shower the weekend of Thanksgiving, so I am totally understanding the party stress.

    I am throwing my from-scratch pumpkin cupcake recipe out the window, and using your recipe. Sounds good! One question though, what sized can of pumpkin?

    Glad your party went well. Every party I throw is chaos leading up to the event. I always wonder how well I cover the chaos DURING the event!

    Thank you for making me feel normal!

  17. I died laughing, and then said to my husband; OMG THAT’S SO SOMETHING I WOULD DO! Only I wouldn’t even bother making cupcakes from a box, I’d buy them from the grocery store 😉

    Just remind me that if and when I ever get pregnant again; do not throw a party.

  18. LOVE this post – wife of doom, non-cleaning husband. I laughed out loud more than once!

    I can’t event plan since planning my wedidng made me an emotional basket case / super stressed and slightly evil fiance. Out hypothetical, currently non-existent, children will never have any sort of parties that are as nice as what you put together. Props!

  19. You captured the lead up to every party I have wee thrown. This year my turning4-year-old wanted a Planes Party. I assembled (glue) wooden paintable hobby planes for all the guests until 12 or 1am the night before.
    I feel your temporary loss of sanity.

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