I’m having a feel-sorry-for-myself day. A day when I can’t help but wonder if I made the right choices, if me staying home was the way to go.
Every time I turn around, I feel like I’m losing my mind, my temper, my patience. I’m constantly snapping. My son is on the receiving end way too many times.
I hate cleaning this house. I hate this house. I’m failing at appreciating what I have. I’m losing myself in the desire to just want to start over again, to move into a place that doesn’t *need* any work…. work we will never be able to afford… work I’m constantly arguing with my husband over.
But new house or not, I would still hate cleaning, and then I hate the guilt I feel over not wanting to clean, not enjoying the “homekeeping” side of this stay at home gig (though I always try to remind myself I’m a stay at home MOM and that everything else is just gravy, the guilt is still there). I want a job so I can just pay someone else to do it for me. I tell myself it wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass to stay on top off if we didn’t live in this house so much. If we were all gone a good 8 hours a day. If I wasn’t serving up three meals a day to a 2 year old here…. if you can even call them “meals” these days.
I hate the financial stress of being a one income family, too. I feel like so many of these stresses would be eliminated if I was making my old salary (not banking on ad payments for this blog, which I hate soliciting, and which totally screw my plans when they come 2 weeks late). I feel like if I went to an office every day and brought home a paycheck every other week, I could put my son in a great school, surrounded by loving professionals who *enjoy* crafting with him every day, where he would be free to make whatever mess he wanted. Maybe he would learn more, certainly I wouldn’t yell at him as much, and perhaps I just might appreciate my time with him more. We could get out as a family and actually DO things on the weekend, instead of sitting around here and balancing the budget… and cleaning up the house I’ve neglected all week.
If I went to an office every day, maybe I’d get satisfaction from completing major projects. Maybe I’d feel more worthwhile if my biggest accomplishment for the week wasn’t keeping the counters clean, the dishes done, and taking Kendall out every day. Maybe I’d be more relaxed in the evening if I had the opportunity to go to lunch with co-workers, to go to Starbucks without a toddler. Maybe I’d be able to get my hair cut and colored more often, maybe I’d feel better about myself if I got to buy new clothes for myself more frequently… nice clothes. Maybe these material things DO matter to me, as much as I wish they didn’t.
Maybe I’d like this house more if I could pay someone else to keep it clean for me. Maybe instead of spending my time wiping down baseboards and windows, I’d finally get around to all the fun projects I’ve never been able to start for this house, like printing and framing our wedding pictures, or printing the thousands of pictures I have of Kendall that I’ve never put into an album. Yeah, aren’t stay at home moms supposed to have time to do all this? Not this one.
I think a big part of my problem is coming to terms with the fact that I will never be that stay at home mom who bakes and cleans and menu plans every day. I won’t sit down to do a different craft each day. I won’t be okay with letting my son “explore” while making a gigantic mess, especially if I just cleaned the kitchen floor. I won’t. ever. have. my. shit. together. If it hasn’t happened after 2 years, it’s not ever going to. And am I okay with that? Because at least if I were working, if I wasn’t HERE all day, I would feel like maybe I had an excuse.
And it’s not that I don’t appreciate that I even have a choice to stay home. I do. Many sacrifices have to be made, but it’s workable for us, and I am very appreciative of that. But, in a way, I almost feel like that makes it worse…. that the choice wasn’t made for me. That our meager savings account is because of MY choice, that our inability to take family vacations is because of MY choice, that the stress that comes from trying to balance the budget and realizing that we just can’t afford to do the upgrades to this home we planned on when we purchased it are because of MY choice… MY choice to stay home, MY choice to be something I’m not even sure I’m suited for.
It’s just been a rough weekend, I’m sure made worse by these pregnancy hormones. My brain is telling me to grow up and get over it, quit feeling sorry for myself and make something happen. It’s just hard to start… hard to figure out what to do. I mean, it’s not like I can search for a job 6 months pregnant. I’m not even certain that that’s the answer to my problems. I think the answer lies more in forgiving myself, in re-assessing my priorities and in counting my blessings a little more.
Kendall is 2 1/3 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant
This is a great post. As a full-time working mom, it helps to see that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Too bad we can’t all work part-time and be moms. In a perfect world, huh?
I do think some things about working full-time make it easier – I pay someone to clean our house once/month, we don’t struggle financially, and I cherish the time with my son because it is limited. On the other hand, I do get pretty sad when I talk to my mom and I can hear him in the background laughing. And most of the mother/child programs are during the week while I’m working.
I’m hoping to make it a little easier by getting a job where I can work from home 2 days/week – then I would get to see him more without the commute factored in.
Hang in there. I have these weeks every once and awhile, and I have to talk myself out of quitting my job, selling our house and car, and being poor.
It sounds to me that, despite your despondency, you know what you need to do. Staying at home all day is a very special experience; it seems as if, on the one hand, you have only a few things to do, and all the time in the world to do them; then, on the other hand, it’s as if there is a mountain of things to do with no time to do it all.
Ignore the paralysis of this despondency. Running a household is like trying to be a better spouse; if you try to make it all happen at once, you will fail and quit. Pick one or two things to accomplish each day, and do them. Provide a structured daily schedule for yourself, something like chores in the morning and fun in the afternoon. Try teaching the kiddo a thing or two, whenever you feel up to it. (It’s never too early to start, right?) And lastly, get out of the house frequently. Money may be too tight for a Mommy’s Day Out, but you can take the kiddo for a walk in the nearest park, or something like that. A change of scenery can really change hearts.
And definitely, without fail, enumerate all the things you’re thankful for. Spending time just watching your child can help there. If you’re too busy counting your blessings to focus on what you wish you had, your day will start and end with a smile. Focus on today, and what you can do with that time.
Take heart. Stay at home dads (like me!) have to deal with the same stuff, and it’s not easy. It is, however, rewarding, like most things that are difficult.
But you’re a smart gal, and probably know all this already. So smile!
-CK
Thank you for writing this! I am right there in the same boat with you. I wanted this, to be a SAHM mom, but most days I feel like I am barely adequate. I am so lucky to be able to be with my kids, but it is a definite learning curve. My oldest is now three (and we have an almost 1yo, too), and I am hoping that I am getting a little better at this each day. Thanks for making me feel a little less alone today.
Ahh the ups and downs of being a SAHM. On the one hand you get to spend your days with someone you love immensely but on the other hand you lose a bit of yourself because you are so focused on that other person. Whenever I get in a funk like this I try to think of the downsides to working, like not being able to experience firsts and missing my baby like crazy or knowing that someone else is with her when she’s in her best mood. I feel like part of motherhood is a “grass is always greener on the other side” thought process. Working seems like a great way to get a mental break, to feel competent at something other than wiping a baby’s butt, to feel accomplished, and to feel appreciated. But talk to a working mother and you hear about her wishing she could be home more. Obviously, this doesn’t apply to everyone. My point is there are pros and cons to both situations and it’s really hard to find the right solution, the right balance.
Maybe volunteering or even working part-time will help you gain clarity and help you see what would really make you happy. Because at the end of the day, if you aren’t happy no one around you will be happy. You already know that.
Everyone has their “down” days, and stay-at-home moms are no exception. It was probably quite therapeutic blogging about it, and we hope you are feeling better. All the best,
Deb for Ouidad
p.s. A mommy makeover never hurts! When we look great, we tend to feel great too!
: )
Sister, you said it and said it well! The good news is that the kids eventually go to school and the stay-at-home thing becomes a hell of lot easier…at least till they return home!
Go to Starbucks without a toddler? You can do that?
I absolutely hate the housework that goes along with being a SAHM. I’m good at being home with my kids and having a lot of patience (most days) living life at a slower pace. But I hate the constant dirty dishes and laundry and messes and trying to accomplish anything when small people are constantly demanding attention. For me, it started to get easier after my first turned 3, but then baby #2 came along and it got hard all over again. He’s 2 now, and I can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel -that they won’t always be this small and need me this much and that I’ll be able to wear nice clothes and go to Starbucks by myself and work more and have more money and more time to spend on myself.
And then I start to get sad – because they won’t always be this small and need me this much. I think that in the end being conflicted about it all and what it is that we really want is just an unavoidable part of motherhood.
Oh man, I could have written this post. I am a SAHM by default right now. After being laid off when I was 3 months pregnant, I was unable to find another job (who’s gonna hire a pregnant lady?) and now lack the motivation to find a job — plus I’d have to make significantly more money than I was making before in order to afford daycare. If we’re going to be pinching pennies no matter what, why not at least be at home with my son?
But I feel guilty ALL. THE. TIME. I feel guilty for feeling like I’m not pulling my weight. I feel guilty that my house is never spotless. I feel guilty that we’re always worried about what we’re spending. I feel guilty that I can’t buy freakin’ name brand pizza from the grocery store because our grocery budget is so tight. I feel guilty that I get to be with my son and my husband doesn’t. I feel guilty that, despite the fact that he always said we’d have to be a two income family, right now it’s his paycheck and my measly unemployment check that are supporting us.
I spend my nights awake anxiously thinking about how I can pull in an income at home. Of course, with an infant around all the time, getting any actual work done is a tricky bitch.
Anyway, I guess what all this rambling is saying is that I totally understand where you’re coming from. You’re not alone in your thoughts. I think every mom, no matter her situation, feels guilty and frustrated.
This sounds like a “grass is always greener….” situation.
Coming from the POV of a working mother, I always wish I could be a SAHM, but I honestly don’t know if I’d appreciate it as much as I do in my daydreams. I want to make awesome menu plans and do fun/dirty projects with my sons. But would that be reality? Probably not. He’d just be in my way.
Sometimes I feel guilty when the weekend is over and I’m relieved to go back to work on Monday.
I cannot even tell you how perfectly timed your post was. I have a one-year-old, Adeline, and I work 45-50 hours a week. Since the day my maternity leave ended, I have struggled with my choice to not stay home with her. Your words made me realize just how challenging staying at home can be – that it’s probably harder than the job I go to every day. Thank you for sharing an honest perspective on what it’s like to be the one raising your child 24/7.
OMG.. thank you so much for this post. I am a stay-at-home mom of 4 and I can’t tell you how much this hits home. I have NEVER felt that I measure up to the “typical” stay-at-home mother- you know, the one who bakes and goes to PTA meetings, has time to get herself ready for everyday (like as in a shower- EVERY DAY- with hair, makeup & nice clothes to boot)..the one who LOVES every minute of being home with her kids and has an immaculate house and tonight’s dinner planned out.. YESTERDAY!. UUGHH. I WISH. But, your blog gives me so much hope that maybe in my own way, I am doing things right! I think you are too. Keep your chin up momma- you’ve got an amazing gift- the humor alone you share with everyone who reads Baby Rabies..and your brutal honesty & humbleness.. I love you for it!
Wow, I feel like I could have written this article. I got pregnant right after finishing my undergraduate degree, and I’ve always felt guilty about not re-entering the workforce. I love spending time with my daughter, but I also hate that I can’t afford to let her take special classes or take her on vacation. She’s only 17 months old, but I want her to have a really amazing life.
My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to find a job once she goes to school. We are only having one child because we want to be able to save for her college education. These decisions are so very difficult. It’s nice to know that other folks are in the same boat.
sometimes i feel this exact same way. wondering if i’m not cut out for this. wondering if my son would learn more if he were in preschool more. blaming myself for his lack of vocabulary and growing TV addiction.
this week i had a sort of epiphany. i keep “counting down” in my mind until i can get back to work. i keep stressing about the lost time in the workforce & what that will do to my future career, etc. but the reality is….this time of life with our children is sooo short. soooo fleeting. in the scheme of our whole lives it is a blip on the radar. So i’m trying to savor it and enjoy it and know it will be over one day all too soon.
I came to this site for work purposes…I’m a WAHM, and the little one is down for the count (or so I hope). Man am I glad this was on the list of things to do…check out your site that is…because I so needed to read this blog!
This is me, me me me me me me me…ME! I am NOT alone! But what do you do to move forward from this guilt??? AHHHHHH!
Thanks for giving me hope, and to know that I AM NOT ALONE in this MOMMMMMMMMM MAMAMAMAMAMA world we are living!
Thank you so much for writing this! That is exactly how I feel. My son is 9 months old and at first, I blamed it on him needing to eat so often and post partum depression, but maybe it’s just me. Who I am. But, not who I want to be.
Wow, I really appreciate your post. I am a mom with a full-time job and really struggle with the fact that I have to work so we can pay off debt (no hiring housekeepers here). As an earlier commenter said, you help show that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I see that you posted this several months ago–hope things are better for you.
I just hope you know that you don’t need to be a SAHM to be a good mom. Everyone says “it takes a village to raise a child.” It doesn’t make you weak or a less-loving mom if you let people in the village (like childcare workers and babysitters) help you out. Plus you have 18+ years with your kids. You might miss some of the baby firsts, but you might still catch some “toddler” or “preteen” firsts. Every stage is special, right?
I love you! I googled mom guilt because I have been feeling like the worlds worst parent. I’m a stay at home to a 3 yr old, and 1 yr old twins and I feel like I am going crazy. I’m not that cool, funny mom I thought I would be when I stopped working to stay at home with the babies. I thought I would do art projects everyday…park, museum, Disneyland trips. I don’t. Lately I have had a very short temper, and I am very stressed.
I yell at my kids. I know i should gently tell my babies not to throw food on the floor, or to keep the full cups of water in the bath, or to stop taking their shoes off before we leave the house, but I don’t. We are on a very strict budget, and I too feel like that is my fault…I thought I would enjoy this stay at home mom thing a lot more than I do.
Thank you for your honesty!
I so could have written this too -we are two peas in a pod (except that I only have one child who is 2 1/2).
I am a former district sales manager for a major corporation and also have a masters degree. I did not get married until I was almost 37 and then had my son when I was 38. I am not very domesticated at all (in terms of cooking) and feel so inadequate all the time it is driving me crazy.
I love being at home with my son but fear I don’t have the confidence or skills anymore (even though I worked for 16 years after college supporting myself)…so wish sometimes I would have studied something like nursing or pharmacy, etc…then I’d have a real skill and could perhaps work part time.
I just feel so lost right now. My husband works a very stressful job where he travels a lot and if he is in town he works crazy hours. I feel guilty for being mad at him for never being here and sad at the same time that he is working so hard and that I am not helping.
My former self would have thought that someone like me (present day) was a complete joke. I would have done anything for the opportunity to quit my job and have someone to take care of me and my baby (hey, when you are pushing 40 with no husband or child, this is truly a miracle).
I’ve done all the Mom’s Club stuff too but find it to be way too much like a sorority. I am so much older too and just don’t really fit in the way I’d like to.
Ok, tomorrow is another day…I’m just going to squeeze my little one tight and thank God that he is here with me.
Well, I too googled stay at home mom guilt bc I have also been feeling guilty alot too. So much in fact that I recently started seeing a therapist. I feel like I would feel guilty whether I stayed at home or went to work-actually, staying at home is for sure less guilt, which is why I do it. I love my baby girl (who is 2) more than anything, but I am also a SAHM by default, not choice.
I have a chronic auto immune disease that made it so difficult for me to work after she was born that I had to resign-and no, I don’t draw any disablity, etc. I do constantly feel like I should be playing with her more, teaching her more, going and doing more things with her and the biggest guilt of all is that she has no playmates. Living in a remote area, all of her cousins are older…I was the youngest of 4 children and had constant playmates. I feel sorry for her and think she would be better off at daycare, which would also allow me to contribute financially to my family-but then I can’t bear to leave her.
She will begin to join things like dance in August, and she will eventually have playmates from church, etc. so that will be alleviated…and I know when she goes to preschool in 2 years, I will return to work. I just don’t think our generation of women are cut from the June Cleaver cloth-we’re surrounded by other women who appear to be doing it all, while we’re “only” taking care of the home and family. If nothing else, it might help to remember that this time is so temporary. Feel better!