I’m having a feel-sorry-for-myself day. A day when I can’t help but wonder if I made the right choices, if me staying home was the way to go.
Every time I turn around, I feel like I’m losing my mind, my temper, my patience. I’m constantly snapping. My son is on the receiving end way too many times.
I hate cleaning this house. I hate this house. I’m failing at appreciating what I have. I’m losing myself in the desire to just want to start over again, to move into a place that doesn’t *need* any work…. work we will never be able to afford… work I’m constantly arguing with my husband over.
But new house or not, I would still hate cleaning, and then I hate the guilt I feel over not wanting to clean, not enjoying the “homekeeping” side of this stay at home gig (though I always try to remind myself I’m a stay at home MOM and that everything else is just gravy, the guilt is still there). I want a job so I can just pay someone else to do it for me. I tell myself it wouldn’t be such a pain in the ass to stay on top off if we didn’t live in this house so much. If we were all gone a good 8 hours a day. If I wasn’t serving up three meals a day to a 2 year old here…. if you can even call them “meals” these days.
I hate the financial stress of being a one income family, too. I feel like so many of these stresses would be eliminated if I was making my old salary (not banking on ad payments for this blog, which I hate soliciting, and which totally screw my plans when they come 2 weeks late). I feel like if I went to an office every day and brought home a paycheck every other week, I could put my son in a great school, surrounded by loving professionals who *enjoy* crafting with him every day, where he would be free to make whatever mess he wanted. Maybe he would learn more, certainly I wouldn’t yell at him as much, and perhaps I just might appreciate my time with him more. We could get out as a family and actually DO things on the weekend, instead of sitting around here and balancing the budget… and cleaning up the house I’ve neglected all week.
If I went to an office every day, maybe I’d get satisfaction from completing major projects. Maybe I’d feel more worthwhile if my biggest accomplishment for the week wasn’t keeping the counters clean, the dishes done, and taking Kendall out every day. Maybe I’d be more relaxed in the evening if I had the opportunity to go to lunch with co-workers, to go to Starbucks without a toddler. Maybe I’d be able to get my hair cut and colored more often, maybe I’d feel better about myself if I got to buy new clothes for myself more frequently… nice clothes. Maybe these material things DO matter to me, as much as I wish they didn’t.
Maybe I’d like this house more if I could pay someone else to keep it clean for me. Maybe instead of spending my time wiping down baseboards and windows, I’d finally get around to all the fun projects I’ve never been able to start for this house, like printing and framing our wedding pictures, or printing the thousands of pictures I have of Kendall that I’ve never put into an album. Yeah, aren’t stay at home moms supposed to have time to do all this? Not this one.
I think a big part of my problem is coming to terms with the fact that I will never be that stay at home mom who bakes and cleans and menu plans every day. I won’t sit down to do a different craft each day. I won’t be okay with letting my son “explore” while making a gigantic mess, especially if I just cleaned the kitchen floor. I won’t. ever. have. my. shit. together. If it hasn’t happened after 2 years, it’s not ever going to. And am I okay with that? Because at least if I were working, if I wasn’t HERE all day, I would feel like maybe I had an excuse.
And it’s not that I don’t appreciate that I even have a choice to stay home. I do. Many sacrifices have to be made, but it’s workable for us, and I am very appreciative of that. But, in a way, I almost feel like that makes it worse…. that the choice wasn’t made for me. That our meager savings account is because of MY choice, that our inability to take family vacations is because of MY choice, that the stress that comes from trying to balance the budget and realizing that we just can’t afford to do the upgrades to this home we planned on when we purchased it are because of MY choice… MY choice to stay home, MY choice to be something I’m not even sure I’m suited for.
It’s just been a rough weekend, I’m sure made worse by these pregnancy hormones. My brain is telling me to grow up and get over it, quit feeling sorry for myself and make something happen. It’s just hard to start… hard to figure out what to do. I mean, it’s not like I can search for a job 6 months pregnant. I’m not even certain that that’s the answer to my problems. I think the answer lies more in forgiving myself, in re-assessing my priorities and in counting my blessings a little more.
Kendall is 2 1/3 and I’m 24 weeks pregnant
I feel this way. A lot of the time. I am a terrible Stay at home Wife, and sometimes I don’t know that I’m a good mom. I think my son would be better off in daycare, and I know more money would help us out.
Then I think of the things I’d miss, and how much I’d miss him – and it’s all (usually) worth it.
I completely understand what you are saying, although i think ALL moms have to deal with guilt ;o)
It’s gonna get worse (because you’ll have another). Then it’ll get better. You’re in a tough spot right now. I have 2 of them, 22 months apart. (Yeah, what was I thinking). Most days are good now that they’re almost 5 & 3. The number of good days are increasing. I can leave the house without packing half the damn house… Oh, my almost 3 year old son FINALLY cut his last tooth. That’s a special kind of hell right there (really, I think Dante wrote about it). BUT, when I look back on their childhood, I’m going to know that I kissed every bump and scrape and that they didn’t pretend to be sick so they could have a day home with me. It gets better.
The thing is, as a full time working mum to 1, the mess is still there when you come home from work. Except you are tired and more distracted.
Instead of just being annoyed at the mess in the kitchen that you really don’t want to clean, you are also annoyed at your coworker and your annoying deadline pushing boss.
Instead of feeling like excited about taking on a work project, you feel stressed about how to actually get it done and still plan your sons birthday party and make that playdate with a friend, all at the same time. So, in the end, you still have the exact same annoyances. Just a different way to slice it.
I think that the every day irritations will always be the same. No matter if you are a stay at home mum, or one that works as well.
Yeah, I’m sure it’s not any “easier” as a working mom. In fact, I think it’s probably harder, IMO, in so many ways. Sometimes I just wonder if I’d be better at handling that kind of stress… but then I don’t want to give up what I have to find out. Either way, we all have to deal with the guilt, and that sucks.
I so hear you … maybe if I didn’t stay at home my kid wouldn’t be afraid of EVERYONE and let me leave her in the gym day care! But no, I’m still 20 lbs. over my pre-pregnancy weight and she flips if someone looks at her the wrong way =(
But … I’m thankful that she’s not sick often, my alarm clock is her voice and that I get to enjoy my home, as I didn’t before when I worked out of the home. It DOES get dirtier more often, but I think I mind more than anyone else.
Just remember the reasons you stayed home in the first place and think of how much Kendall and Baby #2 will appreciate it =) You’re doing great and no one else will give them as much love and attention throughout the day as you do!
I’m sure it will not make you feel better, but reading about your adventures as a SAHM totally make me feel like I’m doing all right. I am the same kind of SAHM mom you are and I struggle with it too, but somehow, when I read about your days I feel so much better. I just so relate to your parenting style, and I think you’re doing a GREAT job. It is overwhelming and exhausting, especially when pregnant. My babies are 2 1/2 now and I too felt such guilt about the horrific job I was doing parenting my oldest daughter because I was too tired to cook, clean, etc. I too was snappy, crabby and unmotivated to do anything. And I can tell you, almost 3 years laters, she doesn’t remember and she loves me, even though the house is messy much of the time and sometimes (often) supper is frozen pancakes with Nutella. Hang in there
I can tell you being a full time work-outside-of-the-home Mom isn’t all it’s cracked up to be either.
I constantly feel guilty for leaving my child with someone else for 9 hours a day. I mean yeah, it has it’s perks, but it’s total suckage too.
I had to return to work when my daughter was 13 weeks old (now 2.5 years old). It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I hate that I can’t spend time with her whenever I feel like it…I only get 2 weeks of vacation time a year…and I hate that I have to “save” my sick days for when she is ill.
Neither situation is ideal. You have to do what’s right for you and your family.
((hugs))
ugh. you read my mind completely. i mean, boy, you hit the nail on the head! here’s hoping we both have a better week next week.
I really feel this entry. I’m also a SAHM to a 15-month-old little boy and I’m 31 weeks pregnant with another boy. I had a really horrible week last week and just when I thought I’d get some relief (some help) this weekend, my husband gets sick. There are times when I really do feel like I am about to go insane – and there are definitely times when I don’t feel like a good mom.
Forgiving yourself – yes, that is something worth doing. I’m not the SAHM I thought I’d be, either. It’s hard to reconcile being who we are with who we always wanted to be. But I know that who you are isn’t so bad.
Hey. I’m not sure if I have ever commented on your blog, but when I saw your post on twitter about this I KNEW I had to read it.
Totally feel you. A lot of the time I feel like a complete failure- especially when I read mama blogs that seem to have it together all.the.time. I mean, really? Let’s be honest here. I like to look on the bright side of things, but sometimes, honesty, real, raw honesty, needs to be released. Okay, so this comment is super long- sorry! But hang in there! I’m 36 weeks pregnant with a 22 month old. 
I feel ya!
This will be a different perspective. I am a working mama (teacher) who will tell you that it going back to work was the best thing that I did for my husband and son.
I know some will say that I get to stay home in the summer so I have the best of both worlds and I would agree with that.
When I was home on maternity leave, I was irritable, crabby and constantly on edge (which in all honesty could have been my hormones). After I went back to work, I realized how much I looked forward to getting home, being home on the weekends, and being with my family when I could.
I realized it was the quality of time I spent with my kid that mattered not the quantity.
Sure, I could have stayed home, my husband was clear that he supported it and we could do it but I knew in my heart it would not be the best decision for my family.
When I get home, I focus on my family. I leave work at the door. Do I have guilt? Yes.
But the bottom line, is that you have to do what is best for you and what is best for your family. Only you know what that is. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Hang in there!
I think that’s great! I know many moms who love working and claim it helps them maintain their sanity. That’s what I sometimes wonder, if I’m more suited for that, but like I stated in an earlier response, I can never bring myself to give up what I have to find out. I’m so happy you found a balance that works for you, though. Thank you for chiming in!
Let yourself feel these feelings. Don’t feel guilty. They are honest feelings. I had them, too. It’s hard.
Hugs.
I completely understand where you are coming from and why you feel this way. I have many days where I feel like I’m a total failure and question whether or not I’m really cut out to do this. I always think that other moms have it all together…a lot more than I do.
From the comments I see above,it looks like a lot of us feel this way and if anything I think it really helps us to be honest with one another about it..even though these are all things that we don’t really like to admit or talk about.
Also, you are a good mom ! I think you are doing a great job with Kendall and you’re going to continue to do a great job with the baby !
Uncanny. You just climbed into my brain. I don’t think I have EVER read a post more empathizing and validating.
I am reading this to my husband. I have been telling him this for years. Maybe he will listen to another.
I could have written this.
I wish I was the type of mom that was ok with splashing in the dog bowl after I just cleaned the floors. Because it’s “fun” for her. I wish I was the type of wife/mom/woman that was always on the move cleaning this or that while also playing peak-a-boo. I wish that I had a better imagination, more motivation, more something.
Yeah, I totally could have written this post.
Hang in there… Try not to let the grass look *too* green over there on the other side of the fence. Remember when you both worked and you had to spend the weekend cleaning house, grocery shopping, and doing other chores? Work definitely won’t fix that part.
Well, unless you make enough to hire all that out!
I do understand, and I thank you for writing this post. I think we can all relate to feeling like we’re doing it wrong (SAHM or WOHM). In the end, just the act of worrying that you are doing it wrong probably means that you are a great mom (or at least adequate) and it’s unlikely that your kids are going to resent you for being grumpy while pregnant, regardless. Kids forget fast.
Has anyone figured out how to SAH AND have a nanny?
I think we all feel that way sometimes. I’ve been a working mom and you know what? I DID like it. I was good at what I did. And what I did? It stayed done.
Staying at home is a sacrifice, a big one that gets lost in the shuffle of everyday. Staying at home is HARD. Full time mothering a toddler is HARD. It’s hard work and you don’t even get a paycheck to show for it.
But the rewards are reaped later, in the future. Even if the outside world doesn’t notice, doesn’t care, your baby knows and cares. And it does make a difference.
That said, it sounds like maybe you need an outlet, something for YOU. Have you thought about doing some freelance work – selling on Etsy, writing, posting stock images, whatever is your particular talent? Yes, it’s work, but you can fit it in when it’s convenient and it’s something FOR YOU. Productive. Income producing.
Well, *this* is actually my freelance work, my outlet- this blog and my new website PartyLikeaKid.com. In my fantasy world, I’m eventually able to bring in a substantial income from both to justify a housekeeper
I could give you a very long-winded answer, but everyday I feel guilty that I am working and I have to leave my son at home. I’m thankful that I can afford a full-time nanny but the price I pay for that is my son and I rarely see each other. When he’s asleep I’m at work and when he’s up I’m sleeping so I can go to work again. I am missing out on so many of his milestones because I’m never there. I envy you.
Well, lady, I did it the other way too, and trust me when I say that the grass ain’t any greener over there. I made a great salary, but it did NOT go to having someone clean my house – it went to childcare – which you’d HAVE to have. In my neck of the woods, sending two kids to CRAPPY daycare would be $2,000 per month. So, essentially I was paying someone else to be with my kid all day, and then I had to come home to work the second shift, taking care of all the things that I wasn’t home to do all day. And ohmygod, do NOT get me started on pumping and working. That was an entire full time job in itself. I cannot tell you how relieved I am to not have to do that with this baby.
But yeah – I SUCK at this stay-at-home-mom thing too. I do NOT clean counters and bake all day. I rarely even have a meal on the table for my husband, which is fine because he doesn’t think any of that is my job. My job is to keep the kids alive, which isn’t the easiest task with these two.
And remember, there IS a different between a mom whose only job is to take care of the kids, and a mom who actually has to WORK at home while doing that, which you are doing. Working (for pay) at home is BY FAR the hardest thing I’ve ever done. You just have to find a way to get time away from the house for yourself. If that means dumping the kid in the husband’s arms the minute he gets home and sitting at Starbucks the rest of the night, then so be it. I do that LOTS.
Or – look for a job. Some women ARE happier that way, especially if you can make enough to pay for daycare for two kids AND hired help.
Thank you for such an honest post!
Thank god there are writers like you who are able to express exactly how I have felt for 7 years. Also? thank god my husband works to buy the printer for me to print this out to leave on his work bag for him to read on the train on his way to work. Love and hugs. I know exactly how you feel.
B is 7
T is 3
and I’ve been home for 7 years.
Where’s my donut crown and chocolate trophy?!
This is EXACTLY how I’ve felt lately. Which is odd, given that I was a WOHM making six figures a year ago and I couldn’t WAIT to give it up to get back home to my child. (I was home for the first 12 months, albeit finishing law school and studying for the Bar, then I worked from months 12-20, and I’ve now been home for the last 10 months. Still with me?)
When I was working, I admit that I DID like getting dressed up in cute outfits every day, going on coffee breaks with my friends, doing incredibly stimulating work in a quiet room, having a secretary, etc. And I loved how much I appreciated my time with Della on the weekend and on vacation.
But mostly I just missed her and was racked with guilt, and I hated pumping, and I would get my heart broken all the time when I had plans to spend the weekend doing fun baby things and one of my bosses would dump a last-minute all-weekend project on me.
So I quit. Destroyed my resume – I don’t know if I’ll ever get another lawyer job again – and basically destroyed our finances. And I’m a terrible SAHM. My house is a disgusting pit, we watch too much Nick Jr., I make too many PBJs, we don’t go out enough, she’s often in her PJ’s all day, etc. I get depressed and bored and jealous of my working friends.
But I’m WITH my baby every day. I don’t regret quitting, and we’ve had so many great moments that I might have missed if I was gone at work. There’s no easy answer – there’s guilt on both sides, both sides have their downside. You just do the best you can, right? I can say, having been a WOHM and SAHM, that SAHM is just slightly easier on me emotionally, hard as it is.
I’m sorry this is so long. You just really read my mind and I thought you should know how many of us are really, truly in this boat. And that there isn’t an easy solution. Just survival – you’re doing great, I promise.
Thank you for keeping it real. I read the mommy blogs who make it sounds like every moment is sheer rainbow bliss and I feel guilty because some days, my favorite part is naptime. Because sometimes I am jealous my husband gets to drive to work (imagine the possibilties! stopping at a store on the way, listening to the radio and not kid music CDs, getting a space of time to zone out). I am grateful to SAH but it’s not possible to be blissed out constantly.
Many days my favorite part is naptime! If my son gave up his nap, I’d need to medicate myself.
And don’t forget that feeling when you meet someone new and they say “What do you do?” I used to have an impressive answer. Now I say, “I just stay at home.” It’s 24/7 exhausting work … but it’s hard to feel proud of my achievements these days.
Oh, Jill. I understand the frustration. Really, truly understand it.
I think as a mother in general, we just never feel good enough, crafty enough, inventive enough, or just plain ENOUGH.
But I can say that on the other side of the coin, I still don’t have someone clean my house, so I’m still wiping baseboards on Saturday while Harrison whines at my feet. His baby book is four months behind, I barely have energy to kiss my husband at the end of the day, & I WISH we could do something cool & fun on the weekends…but instead, we end up playing catch-up on everything we missed during the workday.
WOW!! Thank you for writing this, lately I have been feeling the extact same way!
But I just have to remember that we do have the best JOB of them all, and no the pay isn’t huge but the hugs and kisses are amazing!!
Thanks for writing this! As u prob know from Twitter, I worked full time while my 10-month-old stays with a nanny, & I am 15 weeks pregnant with baby #2. I am debating staying home with this second one, even though money is dubious. The other working moms mentioned how little time we get with our kids. What I appreciate about the post & comments is that it really makes me worry less about whether I’d be “perfect” if I stayed home. I think there is a tendency to feel like I need to be perfect if I’m going to put our family through the sacrifices we’d face on one income. I think I’d be in your exact same mindset most days!
Jill,
first let me say THANK YOU for posting this. Kyle and I have been working on a plan for the last year on how I can stay home. Its been really tough. I am so happy to read this from the other side, and see that everything is not perfect.
Two- here is my big girl panty random suggestion-
eff investing in a new floor. I would invest in a dishwasher. There are a ton of eco-friendly models on the market. They really aren’t that expensive. I thought dishwashers cost a lot more until I actually looked. If I was washing dishes manually everyday, I might shoot myself in the face. Also. I know Kendall didn’t really take to bottles, but if baby girl does(which would be awesome, because it means you can pump and get some ME time in there), you in for a hurtin’… washing bottles like Dr. Brown’s with their 5 parts is a nightmare.
ps- I just typed all this out and remembered you had a hard time pumping. so nevermind on that front. but i still vote team dishwasher
I just clicked on an ad on your page without thinking… Bumble and Bumble hair powder… I’m obsessed. Maybe its one of those smart ads. Anyway- did that help? LOL
Oh my goodness, does it sound so bad that you think I don’t even have a dishwasher?? Hahahahahahahaa!! I have one. Even with a dishwasher I still despise doing dishes. If I didn’t have one? Oh, I can not imagine. No way. That would have been a deal breaker when buying a house.
The hardwood floors are put on hold. Too much stress. Too many other things to do and buy between now and Christmas. In my fantasy world we get them done next spring before she starts crawling. In reality, though, it may never happen.
Bwahahahahaha!
Am I crazy or didn’t you write/ tweet about washing a sink or two full of dishes? I swear I did, and at that moment, I thought you were nuts. You couldn’t pay me.
Either way, I’m with you. I hate doing upgrades. In this kind of market, its just better to buy a new damn house, I swear. Problem lies with selling, as I’m sure you know.
I thought a lot of these same things when I was off on mat leave. I felt like a crappy SAHM but then we got into a routine and it did help a bit. I focused on one area of the house and kept that clean. What a difference it made for me. Yah the bedroom was a disaster but at least our family room and kitchen were clean!
Being a working mom now is challenging too. There is still that guilt there and at first I questioned if I had made the right decision. My friend put it in such a way that made me so comfortable with my choice. For me to stay home with B I would have to go and get an ECE. Because I know I wouldn’t be the type to be having educational stuff planned every day. So at least with daycare I know he is getting some enrichment that I wouldn’t have been able to provide.
I don’t think there ever really is a right answer Jill. No matter what we pick we will always wonder if the other option would have been better. Hang in there! You do an amazing job with K! Who cares if the dishes don’t get done!!
It gets better. Even with 2 it will get better. Well, eventually. You will find that having two is, at most times, easier than having one. And as they get older, it DOES get exponentially easier. I’ve been a SAHM for over 5 years, and I STILL have days like you’re describing. But they get fewer, and you become more content, and I always tell myself that as crazy as all this is, I will still miss it someday. So if I’m going to miss all this, I might as well make the effort to enjoy it while I’m living it.
It’s always comforting to hear it gets easier
Thank you.
I am a working mom and I still have MANY of the same feelings you do. After a long day at work I come home guilty for missing out on so much, guilty that the stress of the day has left me exhausted and with little patience, guilty that no matter how many hours I put in we still are barely scraping by. So cliche, but so true that the grass is always greener, though it can be said that things are easier when you have money. Money by no means solves all of your problems or brings your happiness pure and simple, but it’s one less thing you have on your plate to worry about your mortgage payment.
I hope today is going better for you! I’ve had a sick family for the last week and am now tackling the house on my one non-sick vacation day. Yep, there is mold growing in a pan on my stove. You’ve got me beat there!
We’ve recently decided that I will stop working as of January 1st. I’m totally freaked by this, for all of the reasons you listed above. On the other hand I can’t really justify paying a nanny to watch my kids while I go to a job I hate and I can’t wait to spend more time with my boys. I mean really, when you end up number three or four on the totem pole after dad, nanny and grandma you begin to think your kids need to see you more!
I think that what you wrote and the comments that have been left so far demonstrate just how difficult it is for women to find a balance that works for us. I am a teacher at home on an extended maternity leave with my 17 month old and 5 week old. I know all too well about loosing my patience with a toddler. There are only so many times a day you can stop the older one from unknowingly hurting the younger one before going a little nutty.
I have experienced both sides of the coin and have found reasons to be frustrated with both. The bottom line is there aren’t enough hours in the day. At home I just want a little time away and feel like I don’t do enough, at work I just want to be at home with my kids. I’d like to work two days a week and have three at home with the kids.
We all have days like you are describing. Heck, I sometimes have whole months where I feel like I am not doing enough, caring enough, helping enough or even loving enough.
Yes, there are days when I am jealous that my husband gets to drive to work without the sound of a three-year-old’s voice going 100 words a minute as he questions your every move. There are days when I get jealous that my friends who are working moms get to go out to lunch and not worry about high chairs or kid’s menus. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be able to schedule a haircut and highlight without having to beg someone to watch my two boys?
It’s hard. Anyone who tells you that being a SAHM is easy is obviously someone who hasn’t done it for any length of time.
But please don’t forget the rewards. I was there when my boys smiled and laughed for the first time. I heard their first words. I saw them take their first steps. I know what they like and don’t like. I know that a hug and a kiss can make their worlds better.
I know that even on the days when I suck at being their mom…they still love me.
The rewards are certainly what keep me from sending out my resume 20x a day.
I just had my husband read this because it is a PERFECT summary of the feelings I’ve been dealing with for the past 9 months. The part about not being cut out to be a stay at home mom really struck home with me. My husband kind of gets it better now, as you are much more articulate than I am, and I certainly feel better.
All I can say is that there are so many of us in the same boat. I’m also pretty sure that many moms before us have felt the same way and there aren’t too many messed up people in the world, so I think our kids will turn out okay.
Lots of hugs to you (or maybe some far-away air hugs since we don’t know each other)!
Have you read “Committed” by Elizabeth Gilbert? (B/c I know you have so much free time to read these days…)
Anyways, there is a chapter dedicated to ‘Women and Children,’ and in summary, she was able to conclude (through much research) that children with a stay-home-mom greatly benefit from the experience, but the mom does not. She ultimately sacrifices herself, her identity, her time, and in some cases, her education for the sake of her kids…and doesn’t get much out of it personally.
It actually made me feel a lot better when I read it, since I was having the same issue you are – “am I cut out for this?” I felt guilt for not enjoying scrubbing the floors or doing laundry for the 10th time that day while being told by my family, friends, society, and especially other women how “lucky” I was to get to stay home. Lucky? Really? Because I kind of feel like…a slave. A very poorly paid slave.
It’s a tough issue, anyway you slice it. But just know that it’s okay to not like staying at home sometime. Or most times. Or all the time.
I do it because I keep telling myself 1.) he’s going to have to go to school eventually and 2.) if we can swing it, me being at home really is in his best interest.
You must be psychic because I have been having this exact conversation with my husband lately. I think the toughest part is simply dealing with a two-year-old. It ain’t always rewarding. But it gets better!
Couple of thoughts:
1. Don’t feel guilty about not taking your kids on vacations. They won’t remember them yet, anyway.
2. Maybe you could do some volunteering. Even if it’s just a couple of hours a week, seeing less-fortunate situations could help you learn to appreciate what you have.
3. I used to have an arrangement where a friend of mine and I would each watch each other’s children one morning a week. This gave each of us some spare time to reacquaint ourselves with our sanity. Anyone you could do this with?
Hang in there and keep up the honesty.
I could have written this. Many times over in the past 4 or 5 months. It’s not just you. I don’t think any advice I can give will solve anything. But I think you should consider this. This is an INTERNAL struggle. When I feel like I’m not getting enough done, I tell my husband and complain and he looks at our daughter and says: “She’s alive. She’s happy and fed. That’s all I care about. Besides that, she’s learning and growing in all the ways I could never imagine. You’re doing fine.”
See, he’s more envious of me than I am of him. Internally, he wishes he could stay home. I wish we could BOTH stay home. Boy that would be a lot easier. BUT– and it’s a big but– it’s an internal struggle. You have to just let some things go.
I know what you mean, but I do think that’s a “mom” thing, not just a “stay-at-home mom” thing. Granted, I take my son to work with me, so I feel like I am kind of in the middle of a WAHM and a SAHM. I feel like I have absolutely zero time and zero resources to do the things that I want to do- namely house stuff at the moment, too. I don’t think there is ever enough time, money or sanity to go around. Maybe when they’re in college we’ll be able to redecorate our houses and cook fancy dinners again. For now, just be glad that you can experience your son’s earliest years and see his milestones happening- it’s a bigger gift than we realize when we’re stressed out. My mom reminds me frequently- wow, it’s great that I get to see my son crawl for the first time because as a working mom, she had to hear it from the babysitter. I try to remember that when I’m having a freak out. Hang in there!
I completely understand. I stayed at home for 2 years with my son and it just wasn’t for me. I went back to work and LOVE it. I am a teacher of 6th graders so while Im around kids all day still, they are older and potty trained kids that can easily tell me what they need instead of whining and pointing. Its also great b/c I get all summer off with my boys and 2 weeks off for christmas and a week off for thanksgiving. To me I have the best of both worlds and I am VERY thankful for that. (still no going out to lunch or starbucks sans kids though)
Please don’t take this the wrong way because I have those days too. I feel the way you describe plenty. I know how hard it all is. But I want to share a little secret from the daycare biz with you (remember I ran an in home daycare for ten years, I was a nanny for five years before that and I’ve worked in two preschools plus my husband is a special ed preschool teacher – I KNOW daycare/school). We have bad days too. We are frustrated and annoyed too. Sometimes teachers even snap at the kids. Sometimes they even do it way too often in a single day. Sometimes teachers say things they shouldn’t. And as much as we “love” children in general and love working with them (and we really really do) we will never love your child like you do. So, when you are having a hard day – even or maybe especially a pregnancy hormone induced hard day – just think if someone is going to be too short with him would I rather it be me who loves him more than anything or someone else?
And try not to be too hard on yourself. I know how hard it all is and we all have more difficult times but really you are a great mom and I’ll bet your husband and your son and your soon to come little girl do not want anyone else – even if they would bake cookies and allow messes.
This might not be the kind of response you want, but when I read this I found myself being really thankful that I was reading it at work. While sipping tea, uninterrupted. At home, I would have been trying to fly through it while the baby napped or while feeding her breakfast.
I just don’t think I’m cut out to be a stay at home mom. I have to work to afford things like our mortgage and food. But, while it might sound selfish to some, when I’m honest I admit that I like the extra income as much as I like the fact that I get to leave my house in cute shoes. (In full disclosure – it helps that the extra income pays for someone else to clean.)
I’m not saying you (or any stay at home mom) should run out and get a job. There are certainly benefits to being home with your kids every day. Big benefits like not missing milestones, being their constant caregiver, etc. But working, is what works for me and yours is one of the first posts that doesn’t make staying at home sound like puppies and sunshine, so thanks!
Since you wrote this a few days ago, I hope you’re having a better day now!
:::hug:::
I battle this, too. For four years, I worked two part-time teaching jobs while my husband worked the “real” job that paid most of the bills. Last year I was full-time at one of those plus the other part-time job, but then I got laid off. We’re fine, we’ll be fine, I’ll find another job when the next school year hiring cycle rolls around, but I do the same beating myself up over what did and didn’t get accompished around the house. I’m not June Cleaver. I’m not Martha Stewart. But I get the laundry done, keep everyone fed, take the dog for walks and playdates with friends’ dogs, keep track of everyone’s appointments and sometimes get the apartment tidied up. And you know what? Dave’s okay with that. I’ll bet that your husband is, too. And if he gets uppity, switch places for a day.
Jill, it was so good for me to read this.
For the past few weeks, I’ve spent (wasted?) many, many hours fervently wishing I could spend more time at home, less time at work. (In fact, at church on Sunday I avoided even making eye contact with a friend b/c I was so consumed with jealousy and bitterness for her part-time work gig. Not my best moment.)
I tell myself, “If I were staying home I would cloth diaper, and make baby food, and go to the local moms group, etc etc etc.” I worry that my 4.5 mo. daughter will forget who I am. I worry that she won’t understand how much I love her.
But, until my husband is able to find a job, I’ll be a full-time, work outside the home mom.
Thanks so much for helping me not idealize staying home, and for giving me a realistic glimpse of what that would be like. I really needed it this weekend.
I wrote a post a few days ago trying to express this same idea, you did it so much better than I did!
Thank you for expressing what so many of us feel. It is most definitely the curse of motherhood, to constantly question our decisions, re-evaluate our lives. No matter which side of the fence we are on, working or staying at home I think there are always moments where we wonder if we have made the right choice. It means you are a good mother, you are constantly striving to do what is best not only for your child but for you.
I feel most guilty on days when the sun is shining and my daughter and I are frolicking in the garden. Those days I don’t hate being a stay at home mum though. I feel a little guilty, but mainly smug.
Winter is on its way here in London now though, so maybe I’ll be tearing my hair out soon, especially as the world’s naughtiest nine month old is about to be joined by her adopted six month old sister (please god let her sister be less of a tearaway).
Just got pointed to your blog via twitter as I’m SO BORED of reading really shit Mummy Blogs. I was told yours was an exception. I concur. Thank you for having a way with words and a sense of humour.
p.s. on a serious note, you are doing the most important job in the world and when you are old and grey you’ll never regret not having been to the office every day but you might have regretted not seeing your kids’ first steps etc.
Do you hav a MOPS group or churchs that host ‘Mom’s Day Out’ once a week?? I know those things help some SAHM’s a LOT. They’d give you some socialization – away-from-the-kid time – and give him time with people who love to make crafts with toddlers!
Aw bless. I have had a day full of thoughts like that, wondering if I would be happier if I had a job and could buy new clothes and could afford to get people in to get our house fixed up quicker. And I know what you mean about the guilt, that it’s my fault we’re in this state because I chose to be a SAHM.
I feel for you being 6 months pregnant though with a son just a little older than mine! (Wish I was pg too lol) xxx
The reality of this world is that women will always feel torn between their roles, and will always struggle to balance the career ambitions we spent 18 years building with the natural instinct to nurture our children. My boss gave me the BEST parenting advice EVER. “Just do the best you can at that moment in time.” Not the best that you can imagine doing… just assess your circumstances and make the best possible choice in that moment. It really takes the pressure off these big picture questions and puts emphasis on one moment at a time.
Pooky pointed me at your blog, and I’m so glad she did.
I think we will always feel guilt, no matter which option we chose, or end up having to do.
I’m a single,SAHM and I feel guilt when all our friends are talking about the holidays and trips away, and for us a treat is a day out. But then I look at the jobs that’d fit around childcare, they suck for rubbish money.
But more importantly, I look at her when even if it’s been a rough day, she climbs onto me (often my head, squishing hard), smiles and says ‘mummum’ and I wouldn’t swap it.
You do the best you can with what you have at your disposal, be proud of the mum you are x