You know, as a parent I know better than to utter this phrase. I’ve been proven wrong too many times.
But I can say with 100% confidence, without a shred of doubt, that I will NEVER be a parent who lets my child get away with hatred toward the disabled or those of different backgrounds, beliefs, cultures, races or sexual orientation. And I can PROMISE that I will NEVER be a parent who models this sort of behavior and sanctions it, who throws so much EFFORT into teaching my child intolerance that I help to organize a private party that purposefully excludes a courageous young lesbian, her girlfriend and kids with disabilities on prom night.
A Missippi federal court ruled on March 23rd that Constance McMillen’s high school violated her first amendment rights when it cancelled the school’s prom instead of allowing her to bring her girlfriend and to wear a tux to the event. I was following the story fairly closely at that point (a fan of Let Constance Take Her Girlfriend to Prom on Facebook), and was so THRILLED to hear of her victory.
Tonight, I sit here disgusted, pounding at my keyboard with purpose after reading about the fake “prom” Constance and 2 learning disabled students were mislead into attending (a total of 7 attendees, according to Constance and another source) on Friday, April 2nd while the rest of the students attended a secret prom or private party put on by their PARENTS.
And though I know it had to be terribly disappointing for her to be stabbed in the back so blatantly, Constance is still a shining example of grace and dignity. I teared up when I read this quote from her interview with The Advocate:
Two students with learning difficulties were among the seven people at the country club event, McMillen recalls. “They had the time of their lives,” McMillen says. “That’s the one good thing that come out of this, [these kids] didn’t have to worry about people making fun of them [at their prom].”
Have we really not come so far? Will my efforts as a parent to teach my child love and respect and equality for ALL people be only a drop in the bucket of such idiocy and poison? SHAME ON YOU, you people who call yourselves parents, you people who encourage this blatant discrimination. I WILL NEVER stand for this level of hatred to contaminate the world I dream of for my children.
I really want to know need to know I’m not alone here. Please, please comment below if you can also say with certainty that you will NEVER raise your children to think this treatment of any other person is ever acceptable. Please. Lurkers, new readers, old readers. Let’s make sure our voices are heard in support of equality for everyone.
As a sidenote, I spent over an hour scouring the internet for links to site. Not a single major news network is reporting on this at this time, but I can get all the coverage on Tiger Woods, Jesse James and their wandering dicks that a girl could ever dream of.
****EDITED TO ADD****
Thanks to Jenn for bringing this comment to my attention from
http://lafiga.firedoglake.com/2010/04/05/the-meanest-town-in-america-fake-prom-for-lesbian-student/
**Open Minded Readers Only**
I am a senior at IAHS, and I’ve known Constance for the last 6 years. Please hear our side of the story before you decide on our fate.
The party we had in Evergreen (the county neighborhood I live in) is 30 mins away from the school. we rented out the community center, hired vendors, decorated, and our parents ran the security/chaperone staff- but it wasn’t prom. Prom was at the country club where constance and 7 other students were. The reason the senior class boycotted the actual prom was not because we hate gays. We wanted a drama-free gathering to celebrate 3 great years and 1 lousy one together, and we wanted to lay low. We also wanted to do it without the main cause of the lousy. What people are failing to realize is that much of the fault of this whole stink lies with Constance, not her mistreatment by the school district, but her crazy-reckless need for attention. It sounds mean and horrible and like we planned it all specifically to embarrass Constance, but we didn’t. We let her have her prom with her girlfriend and her tuxedo and we went to party it up in the “boondocks” not because we wanted her rights violated, but so we could salvage what has turned into a total fiasco. As a whole we didn’t support her decision to throw the district under the bus, or her insinuations that we’re all just a bunch ‘a hicks driving around in beater pick up trucks spitting tobacco and burning crosses. IAHS is one of the top schools in the state and I’m proud of that, and I’m proud that we took a stand and just said you know what? forget it, we have just as much right as you do to have a party for ourselves. So we did, and now we’re getting flack because poor Connie’s ego got a bit of bruising. She’s playing the lesbian card to prove she ALWAYS gets what she wants. This time, we didn’t just let her.
Take it as you will, because I’m sure it sounds like we faked her out, but understand this- the decision NOT to attend prom had nothing to do with the school or with Constance’s sexual preferences; it had everything to do with proving we weren’t going to let her and the ACLU steamroll us into doing what Constance wanted. We flexed the muscle of the majority and we’ll suffer the consequences.
I just…wow… I have no words. Assuming this actually is an IAHS student, which I have no reason to believe different, my God. You showed them, didn’t you? Can’t wait to see how far that self entitlement takes you and the rest of your “drama-free” friends in life.
This is one thing that I can also say I will NEVER allow or do. This is disgusting. I may not agree with a person’s choices, but that doesn’t mean I can’t accept that person and show them love and kindness anyway. It’s so sad that people could act this way and think it’s alright. It’s disgusting that major news networks care more about the latest Hollywood affair than these injustices that speak so clearly about the current cultural mindset. With so many children being raise by parents like this I am afraid to see what these children will teach their own.
Every time I sort of start to believe that we’ve made strides as a society towards acceptance and civility (nevermind actual compassion and kindness!) I am jolted back into the reality that we live in a country where this intolerance is sadly the status quo. And who can blame these students for being narrow minded bigots when their parents so obviously have never taught them otherwise???? It MUST start with the parents, and to that I say I WILL NEVER raise Jasper to hate, fear or disparage anyone that is different than he is. Or to put it in the affirmative I WILL TEACH my son TOLERANCE and respect for others!
You are not alone. We plan to instill in our daughter that that type of behavior is wrong and has no place in this world.
I have a six month old daughter and every time I think of her as a teenager, I cringe, thinking about all the ways that she could be picked on or bullied. It is not right, just plain not right, that parents would encourage their children to mock or push out another child.
When things like this “fake prom” thing happen it sickens me. When people stand up against it, it gives me hope that my child will grow up in a loving community, and an accepting world.
Do these parents think they would feel the same way if it was their baby that was being ridiculed? I think not. You are right, shame on them.
It’s so disgusting, that parents would allow their children to be so exclusive out of fear. How sad.
Regarding the “fellow student” comment that someone posted above, if their goal was to have a private party to celebrate the class’s year together and they did purposefully exclude Constance because she starts drama… WHY THE HELL DIDN’T THEY INVITE THE DISABLED KIDS?!?! Are they drama addicts as well? Or were they just not part of the class experience that they wanted to celebrate?
Also, is the ACLU not also screaming about the exclusion of those individuals from the unofficial prom? Anyone? No I’m honestly curious, are they?
Sickening. On several levels.
This story breaks my heart. I hope to teach my daughter tolerance and acceptance for those around her. Good for Constance McMillen for being proud of who she is, an obviously well-rounded and graceful young woman.
I am SO with you! It is disgusting what these parents did and continue to do as they raise their kids to think it’s okay.
I will NEVER raise my children to think this is acceptable.
I will NEVER teach my child that hatred and intolerance is okay. I will teach her that people come in all shapes, sizes, and sexual preferences, and that is a-okay. Shame on this school. Shame on the kids. Shame on the PARENTS for teaching their children that it is acceptable to exclude people of different sexual orientation and people with learning disabilities.
And shame on that girl for writing that. As if anyone besides her large ‘clique’ will ever believe that rubbish. If she was only trying to exclude Constance and her girlfriend, WHY were five other kids included, especially kids with learning disabilities?
This is crap. Complete and utter hateful crap.
I am SO with you on this! I think the best way of teaching the lesson of universal acceptance and universal kindness is by modeling that behavior for our kids. I’m forced to live mindfully and remember to do the things I want my son to do. While he’s small I have to be sure to teach him good manners and basic safety but as he grows I will have to show him that kindness is non-negotiable and tolerance is mandatory and the only reason to have a negative opinion about an individual is because that individual’s BEHAVIOR warrants it, not because of anything that individual is. I just hope that I can be as good a person as I want my son to be. I’m working at it daily.
Never. Ever.
I may not support homosexuality because of my religon, but I do practice tolerance and therefore will teach that to my son.
This post just goes to show, we weren’t there we don’t know everything that has happened before this fiasco…and you can’t always believe what you hear in the news.
1. How does this post go to show that?
2. We haven’t heard anything in the news because the news is not covering it. Am I missing something?
Nothing was in the news because the goverment tries their hardest to cover their backs! This does not go to show that we dont know everything that has happend. This shows that the state that America is in is a very sick minded state! Shouldnt we love each other for who we are and not hate each other because we are all so very different, should love be about Gender? Fair enough everyone has their own opinion but should we honestly hate each other because shallow minded people follow a book? No we shouldnt “in god we trust” Bull shit! God teaches people we shouldnt eat fish! Religions shouldn’t come into love and peace, we should treat one another as we would like to be treated! what ever happend to humanity?
I can honestly say i would Never! in all my days teach my children this kind of “love”. Many people teach their kids such descusting things, i’m happy to say that my own mother stands up for me being gay she sees me as being no different from anyone else. Just as we all think maybe just maybe we are taking a step forward into accepting that we are no different. People should not be judged for whom they love. And how dare the state push aside disabled people also as if we are all sick rats! We really should stand up to the state!
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and am a fan on Facebook. I, like you, am appalled at the actions these parents took to teach their children hatred for others. I will NOT raise a child that way… he will learn to respect others and be a valuable member of society.
I AM a mom who, along with my husband, has raised her two sons (ages 20 & 22) to be open minded, tolerant and respectful of EVERYONE. They are the first to help the underdog, to befriend the bullied, to do the right thing. What great people they have become! And we don’t lean on “Christianity” to be decent people. It’s really quite simple.
The reponse from the student who attended the “drama-free gathering” of the rest of the high school students is an example of RATIONALIZATION.
It is tragic that the students still DON’T GET IT–and blame Connie for everything that happened…it is TIME FOR YOU TO LOOK AT THE FACE IN THE MIRROR AND SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING.
I agree. And would like to add that if “drama starting” women back in the day hadn’t been so “attention seeking” and “histrionic” most of us probably wouldn’t be able to read this post, let alone silly things like own property or vote. Constance is a trailblazer and deserves infinite credit for waging this fight when many of us might just shrink away and play by the rules.
I will NEVER allow this to happen. I will just as soon keep my child home then allow her to attend a private party, excluding others from her class. This is unconscionable. This reminds me of this article I read a few years ago about how high schools in the South still have separate, private parent-sponsored proms for the uppity white student, while the blacks have the normal school-sponsored event. Disgusting. Makes me sick.
I am a mom of a gay son. He went through hell from kindergarten on for being different acting. First he wanted to play with the girls and thought the boy games were too “mean”. That started the “gay” & “faggot” comments (in kindergarten!) Later that year the beatings, stonings (yes, I’m serious), hitting, kicking, ripping clothes, etc. etc. The most hurtful of all was that he was excluded from so much. He was only invited to one birthday party in his life. By junior high I had to pull him out of school because kids started traveling across town just to hit him. All the teachers will tell you he never did a thing to provoke it and he was never flamboyant. Just himself.
Please, teach your children kindness. Teach them the courage to go against the crowd and reach out to others. Whatever your religion, I don’t believe there is a God who creates people who are gay, and then condems them. My son was born this way. He had no choice. I saw that first hand. Thank you for teaching your children that we all deserve respect.
Nancy, I’m crying. I’m so sorry to read what your son had to go through, what you as a parent had to watch you son go through. I’m so sorry.
nancy, i am so sorry that happened to your son. it’s disgusting that these children are learning hate from their parents at such young ages. i just wanted to let you know that you and your son are not alone, and there are parents out here that are teaching their children differently…teaching love, not hate, acceptance, not judgementalism. we may be a smaller group right now, but growing larger all the time. sending hugs to you and yours!
Nancy,
I am so so sorry for what your son went through. That is so terrible. No one should ever have to go through that. I am just so sorry.
CBS has it now…
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2010/04/06/national/main6367855.shtml
my children are significantly beyond the baby age, but i saw the link to this on facebook and had to check it out. i have raised and will continue to raise my children to celebrate differences instead of judging them. i have three kids…a daughter about to turn 18 next month, and two sons…a 13 and 11 year old. i have taught them from an incredibly early age to never judge anyone based on their race, religion, sexual orientation, weight, etc, etc. HATE IS NOT A FAMILY VALUE. as a result, i have wonderful children who stand up for themselves and others anytime there is another person trying to spread hate and judgementalism. this is saying something considering we live right smack in the middle of the bible belt, in a rural area where homophobia is not only taught by many parents, but encouraged. i am a firm believer that if we teach our children the right kinds of values, eventually the bigots of this world will become the minority themselves, and their agendas of hate and intolerance will no longer be given the acceptance it is today. i applaud each and every once of you that has pledged to do the same things i have tried so hard to do.
I am disgusted by this story and the response from the high school student. She should be embarrassed by her actions and her excuses.
i want to cry for all of them. not only for constance, but for the other students as well. as a special ed teacher, i would be furious if any of my students were EVER treated like that! and for the parents to support this? how dare they? my son is 2 1/2, and has recently picked up the word “hate.” we’re trying to make him understand how that word hurts people and makes them sad. some very close friends of mine are gay or lesbian, and my son doesn’t know the difference. he knows that they are people that love him, and that’s all that is important! i will NEVER teach him that homosexuality is anything to be afraid of! people should never be treated differently because of how they were born. it’s just like teasing because of skin color. people are people no matter their color, race, religion, gender, sexual orientation, weight, etc. if there is only one thing i teach him (though i know there will be more), that’s what it will be!
This story makes me sick! I promise I am with you and will NEVER allow my children to treat others like this. As a parent I would have told my daughter her options were the school prom or no prom… the parents are only fueling the fire.
This story is so depressing. In our school district, they recently started an anti-bullying program that was intended to teach respect for all types of people, and a bunch of parents protested because it specifically mentions gay and lesbian students and families. Because teaching kids to be respectful towards THEM would just be so awful, right?
I will never be able to understand how people become so filled with hatred and small-minded..and so willing to pass those values on to their children.
My children will ALWAYS be raised to respect others, regardless of ability, orientation, religion, race, size, nationality, choice of team to root for and anything else that makes us unique individuals. I went to hs in a backwoods part of the country and had to endure daily taunts and ridicule for my differences, I will make sure that my kids will NEVER do anything like that to anyone else!!!
I will NEVER teach my children to judge something they know nothing about. Never teach them to jump on one bandwagon or another, because HATE is HATE even when you HATE the HATERS.
nobody ever wins in a situation like this
even hating intolerance is intolerable
I think their is a huge difference between Hating the Haters as you say, and being appalled at the actions that happened. Saying I WILL NEVER does not mean you are going to Hate the Haters, but it does mean that you don’t support their mind set, and never will.
I don’t see HATE in this thread, just acknowledgement that what happened was not right, and should not have happened. I also get the drift that you don’t seem too bothered by this whole thing. Sucks to be you.
As a young lesbian and hopefully a future mother I hope everyday that things will change and that the majority will become more accepting and understanding of all differences in people. However, when I am not able to see that even with my family and my friends it is disheartening. It sucks to think about the future when I have a child and have to worry about where I live and what other kids or parents might do or say. I don’t want my child to suffer because other’s might not agree with who his/her mother loves. However, just as I have suffered prejudice and intolerance I know that my child probably will as well. My goal will be to teach my child tolerance and love even for the people that do not love him/ her back. Thank you so much Jill for posting this and bringing attention to a subject that many people would rather not address due to its infamatory nature.
I know what you mean. I’m only seventeen and i’m gay and some day i would like to have kids. I have voiced this to family and friends and many people look at me as im crazy. I get the same old questions and the same old answers ‘Lesbians can’t have kids’ ‘How can two lesbians have children’ It worries to think of bringing children into a society like what we have. If only more people could teach their children on how to be a human and not a hating robot.
Isn’t it sad to face that kind of ignorance even in our own families? I am the only currently openly gay person in a family of well over 100 and although it was an incredibly difficult road for me I hope that my courage will make it easier for any cousins/relatives I may have in the future. I think I have helped people around me see things in a new light and although they haven’t changed as fast as I might like I know that baby steps in the right direction are better than none at all. I couldn;t agree with you more how nervous I am when I think of having kids but I won;t let anyone take that experience away from me. My mother thinks it is selfish for me to bring a child into a family without a ‘father.’ I tell her people make the family, not the gender!
I will NEVER let my children believe they are anything but completely equal to every other human being on this earth. My wife and I are planning on starting our own family in a few years and I shudder to think of the kind of treatment or discrimination our child(ren) may receive because he or she has lesbian mothers and no father.
That reason by itself is no reason for us to not have a family. I refuse to allow a heteronormative society dictate whether or not I should have the child(ren) and family I have always wanted.
If the story of the people who supported the terrible acts of injustice done to Constance made me worry about the people of the U.S.A., the supporters of Constance and the ACLU and all the hundreds of thousands of people who have commented and supported these causes have helped me realize that we really are moving in the right direction. Unfortunately there will always be people who lash out against things and people they don’t understand and fear.
Thank you to everyone who is making this a better world to live in for me, my wife, and our unborn children.
Wow, I am speechless. This kind of thinking sickens me to no end.
Yes, I PROMISE THAT I WILL NEVER TEACH,TOLERATE OR CONDONE HATEFUL THINKING OR BEHAVIOR FROM MY DAUGHTER.
She’s 17 yrs old and is the one who retweeted the link to this article to bring it to my attention. Thankfully, not all teens are entitled brats.
I grew up with a brother with Cerebral Palsy. My brother is an amazing man, now with a bachelors degree, he is smart, strong, and loving. As a child I would come home and hold him as he cried from the torment of other children. He 3 years older than me and I would challenge his tormentors and stand up for him and with him, even as a little girl.
I will never, never teach my child that he is better than anyone. We are equal. We are all beautiful and special.
Standing with you, fist up in the air. I guess I’ve been sticking my head in the sand b/c I truly thought we had come further than this in this country.
I hope I have NEVER (even accidentally) taught hate to ANYONE. I hope to NEVER do so in the future. But, if by chance, I ever find myself making an unintentional error and it could even be construed in that way, I hope I would have the good sense, bravery and compassion to acknowledge my error and NOT compound it! The actions of the other students and their parents only served to cement an image (correctly or incorrectly) in other peoples minds of them as being intolerant.
I’m completely floored by the student’s comments “explaining” their actions.
“…proving we weren’t going to let her and the ACLU steamroll us into doing what Constance wanted.”
…which was what again? Oh right, GO TO HER PROM. The bottom line is that the student body just proved to the entire country that they think the school board was RIGHT in telling a lesbian that she couldn’t go to prom with her girlfriend. I understand that there was hostility built up because of all the legal action and therefore they felt like “getting back at her”, but I can’t believe that not a single student in that school would agree that she should have been able to go to prom in the first place.
The comments from the student at the end of the article are so close minded and selfish that it’s actually hard to wrap my head around.
I’m in shock.
I saw Constance on the Ellen show and she is a sweet and quiet student who was not looking for attention, she was looking for a chance to celebrate with her class and the fact that other students with special needs were not told about this “other” party just proves how HATEFUL this school system and it’s students and their parents truly are.
It sickens me.
teenagers can’t always think (correctly) for themselves, but the parents had to do a lot of the organizing and planning for this to happen.
SHAME ON THEM
I’m 29 weeks pregnant with my first child, and stories like this make me sad and scared. What kind of world am I bringing my child into? The stories about cyber-bullying, teenagers commiting suicide, such hateful behaviour which seems rampant these days. I’m fearful for the day I have to send my child to school and away from the compassionate nurturing of home life. Is there even a such thing as a “good school” anymore? Do the parents even care?
You are not alone – I will never condone hatred in our family. Reading these comments helps me to see at least there are others who feel the same way. It still saddens me, though, that things like Constance’s prom even happened. I want my child to be the one who has the strength and compassion to stand up and say NO, this is not right. I just hope he can be surrounded by enough like minded individuals that he would never need to…
You’re not alone.
I really can’t comment beyond that because the situation is just disgusting.
I’m with you. NEVER. And I’ve just pledged it on my blog as well. So shameful to see adults engaged in this … where are the role models?
I will NEVER allow my child to behave in such an exclusive, selfish, entitled, hateful manner, and my child will NEVER witness such behavior in me or my husband. I only hope that one day those students will grow the EFF up and realize how awfully they have conducted themselves.
Phew. I had no knowledge of this. What a shame. The alternative prom is just unbelievable & selfish. I’m definitely in the “I’ll never” camp.
<3 Bay
You are NOT alone! And I don’t think any of us mothers and fathers who are devoted to teaching our children that ALL people matter, are just drops in the bucket. We matter. When my state (CA) was voting on prop 8 (which, of course, passed, taking the right of marriage away from my friends and colleagues in same sex relationships) I was newly pregnant, and I promised my little embryo that no matter what, he would be able to love and marry whomever he chose and that his family would love him and support him and FIGHT for him no matter what. CA lost that battle, but I fully intend to keep the promise I made to my son in the voting booth that day. Because even if he ends up with a woman, it’s still vital to me that he lives in a world where he’s free to love whomever he wants to, without other people’s arbitrary rules.
Thank you for posting this. I feel like teaching our children tolerance, love and acceptance of all people is one of the MOST important tasks for a parent.
and finally I just want to add: don’t let this incident get you down too much. Change IS happening. It’s all around us. There will always be ignorance and hate, but I really feel like the next generation will be better than ours… and so on. Keep the faith!
Revolting. Notice that the comment that was added at the end makes no reference to the learning disabled students who were also not told of the alternate event. As if it were possible for me to think LESS of these people.
Nope, never. Not ever, NEVER.
Whatever happened it was poorly handled. Hatred being shown as the proper behavior is sad no matter who is at the receiving end. It bothers me that also that the “other unmentionables” were not invited to the country club party.
However this plays out, people need to stop promoting hate and intolerance.
I normally just lurk, and laugh, at all of your wonderfully funny posts.
This story, however, makes me so sad. I had to come out of the woodwork to let you know I agree with you. How terrible for Constance and what closed mindedness from the student replying. Sad. I will NEVER raise my daughter to hate others or exclude others for any reason.
I’m constantly amazed at just how disgusting some people are. I can’t believe how they don’t even think they did anything wrong! Despicable.
I will NEVER…cease to be amazed by the insensitivity and cruelty of the teens I work with. I’m a high school teacher and I see incredibly vile, rude and downright crass comments and behavior. Their attitudes and actions are just as rude, crass and inappropriate as their parents often are. I’ve been in parent meetings where my life was threatened because I alerted a parent to the fact her son was flasing large sums of money in class, which I felt was dangerous and unsafe. I have had parents pick at their meth sores while in official school meetings. I’ve been screamed at by parents that defended their cheating students. Sudents feel it is their personal right to flaunt any Board of Education rule, right in front of teachers. They curse, make provocative gestures with their body, and constantly call anything unusual or different “so gay.” And they don’t mean happy. When I point out that statistically there are at least two lesbian/homosexual persons in the room at this moment, I’m derided. Cruelty and bullying is so pervasive (and tacitly “approved” of by parents) that it’s immpossible to stop it. Targets are anyone that is different — for any reason and the more week and vulnerable the more they go for the jugular. Teens are often heroic, they do good, they are not all a stereotype. I see parents defend their nasty spawn all too often. They created these beings, and are proud of their accomplishments. I find it no wonder that some young people are litterally bullying their peers to death. It is a cold, cruel world within the walls of a high school.
I wish I could say I was surprised by the student’s defense of the situation, but I’m not. Having taught at southern universities for the last 20 years, I encounter this kind of rationalization all the time. It’s depressing but it is real. They truly believe that the “majority” should rule, that the ACLU is bad, and that people who don’t agree with them should leave the country.
They don’t get that it’s not long until they’re not the majority anymore. And then they’re going to have to hope that the majority is far kinder to them than they have been.
I can promise that my children will never shame, ridicule, or bully anyone.
Your comments have my support. I pledge that my son and unborn kid will be raised to be accepting of everyone. I want them to know that, even if they disagree with the way someone else lives, that doesn’t give them any reason or right to treat them badly. And, hopefully I can raise them to understand that they ought to refrain from judging other people all together.
This whole situation infuriates me from start to finish. I will NEVER allow my son (or future children) to treat another human being as anything but an equal. Thank you for your efforts to publicize this!
It just puzzles me to no end how people justify this in any form. I can’t say I’m surprised, given the area. That comment, wow, just speechless