Ever had one of those days?

Ever had one of those days where you’re not the only one who wakes up on the wrong side of the bed? You’re pretty sure your kid woke up on such the wrong side that it’s possible that he got in a bar fight in Australia while sleeping? (I found Kendall with blood smeared all over his face this morning, crusted in some parts, fresh in others. After freaking out and wiping it away, I discovered all this horror emanated from a few measly scratches on his nose and cheek. From what? I have no fucking idea.  I can only guess that said bar fight entailed him standing at one end of his crib, launching himself to the other end, and bouncing backwards, old skool WWF style, smacking his face on a crib rail because he likes to do this. I’ve seen him.)

Ever had one of those days where one minute your kid is safely on the ground, the next he’s scaled the chair and is atop the kitchen table, inches away from pushing a crystal fruit bowl, which never has any fruit in it and always has dog hair in it, off the top of the table to the tile floor below? Then, just minutes after putting him back on the floor and removing the chairs, you turn around to find he has pushed a chair back and is reaching for the table again, except this time he’s not going to make it because the chair is shifting beneath him and you fight back the visions of his cracked head on your white kitchen tile, which you HATE because WHO puts WHITE tile in a kitchen (people with no pets or children, that’s who), as you sprint across the kitchen to save him. Again. And you make it just in time, but right as you’re grabbing him you slip on a giant puddle of water he has intentionally spilled from his sippy cup to make, what appears to be, a mommy booby trap of sorts, and you slice the side of your toe open on what is henceforth called THE TABLE OF DEATH? Ever had one of those days that you’ve single handedly saved your kid’s life three times by 9 am?

Ever had one of those days where you sat in your “room you know not what to do with”, the room with all the big toys, which would be PERFECT if it were padded, had a door, and didn’t have a desk, computer and a drawer full of staples and tacks in it, and felt like just crying? Just stared at all those loud, obnoxious toys that he wants nothing to do with and watched him scale a Little Tykes slide and revel in going down it face first, completely ignoring your “feet first!” pleas? 

Ever had one of those days that you looked around your messy, unorganized house, looked in your empty refrigerator and nightmare of a pantry and wondered who the hell ever decided you were fit for the job of mom?

Ever wonder if you could even make it through the day without breaking down and crying and coming quite close to actually doing so when you finally make it to Gymboree, come hell or high water or missed naps, all so the primate who has taken over your sons body can have a safe, soft place to throw himself around, only to discover that he doesn’t want to play at Gymboree? He wants you to hold him. He wants a nap. He doesn’t want to climb the soft cushions and land in a sea of soft balls. You take him home and he doesn’t want to nap, he doesn’t want you to hold him, he wants to fling himself off the ottoman, head first, backwards.

Ever had one of those days where you’re ready for a whole bottle of wine by 1:30? Ever had one of those days?

Kendall is 15 months and 4 days old and has mastered the art of climbing and is one step away from bungee jumping without a rope

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  1. Quite regularly lately actually. As much as I am extremely grateful for the 15 months I have spent with my daughter, I am actually kind of looking forward to teaching a hundred and something 8th graders in a couple of weeks.
    I do realize of course, after about 2 weeks I will wish I was home with my little monkey.

  2. Seriously, what is it with these 15 month olds? My DS decided to dive bomb off the couch today after months of knowing the proper dismount. I feel like I constantly have to explain all of his bruises just because he has so many. I swear – he does it to himself!!!

  3. I had one yesterday. At one point I actually got under the covers of my bed and hid from my 11 month old. Then I realized how ridiculous it was that a 30 year old woman was hiding from a baby. And then I didn’t care.

  4. Ladies, this is SO one of those days that it really helps to hear that you’ve had one of those days, too. Thank you! I seriously LOVE my readers. You keep me sane.

  5. I have had many of those days! I think a lot of it is a boy thing! The dare-devil “i’m not trying to kill myself just make you have a heart attack” type days! I have 2 boys 13 months apart (3 and 4 yo) and another boy due November 11th! So i expect many many many more of those days. Guess we should all hang in there together! Maybe we need a cocktail day for all of us!

  6. I have ABSOLUTELY had one of those days. Your son sounds like my 6 year old. She has been great preparation for me having my son, who will be 2 in October, who does many of those same things!!

    With Lily, I had to call poison control because she had found a packet of silica gel in a shoebox I’d just brought home from Payless and had started eating it. While I was on the phone with poison control, she started painting the couch cushions with toothpaste.

    I have had many days where I could have opened a bottle of wine at just past noon. Definitely.

    There will be more. I am sorry to say! Just keep them all written down, because once you are out of the trenches and the war zone that can be raising small children, you really will shake your head and laugh. I don’t laugh at what my 6 yr old does NOW (adds ingredients to my marinade that ruin dinner, make concoctions out of various kitchen or bathroom items,etc) but I laugh at what she did as a toddler. It did foretell of things to come.

    Thanks for directing me to your blog! Come over and have a look at mine sometime when you have a few minutes!

  7. I remember the day I found your 11 month old sister in the middle of Grandma House’s kitchen table with a pile of sugar, salt, pepper and hot sauce poured in her lap. Not a week later I found her on top of my kitchen counter with one foot on a canister and her hands on the top of the top of the refrigerator. I seriously had visions of getting arrested in the ER, because who was going to believe me when I told them she fell off the refrigerator, and that she got there in the first place all by herself. (luckily I was able to get her down without a fall) Oh and she also mastered the art of climbing out of the crib before her first birthday. I hope you have a better day today.

  8. Yes, I have had quite a few of those days. I have, on more than one occasion, greeted DH when he arrives home from work by crying, “Thank GOD you’re home!!!” and collapsing into his arms.

    Being a mom is such a fun, natural thing to do, isn’t it?! ;-p

  9. Oh, and I think THIS:

    “Ever had one of those days that you looked around your messy, unorganized house, looked in your empty refrigerator and nightmare of a pantry and wondered who the hell ever decided you were fit for the job of mom?”


  10. Not yet, but he’s only 8 months old. This morning he did manage to ricochet a bathroom drawer into his head, right after I had put him on the floor because he catapulted himself into the doorway via his Johnny Jumper. I foresee many days like this soon.

  11. white tile should be outlawed and the inventor hog tied and forced to scrub my damn floor with a scouring pad taped to his ass- because you totally know a MAN came up with the idea of white tile

  12. I had one of those days today. Poor sleep on my baby boys part which meant a tired baby and a tired mum. At times I thought there was no way I could physically still be awake and laid on the floor while he played. Usually a sunny walk will boost my mood but today it was rainy and gross. Blah blah. Hopefully tomorrow is way better or there will be wine at noon.

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