Just got back from Kendall’s 2 month appointment (went in at 7 weeks since we are moving next week) and holy shit it was so horrible. Not really so much for him as it was for me, I think. Poor little guy had to get 3 shots. I didn’t think I’d get that upset. I mean, they are just shots. It’s not like he was actually SHOT in the leg three times. That’s seriously how I felt as I held his arms down…like the nurse was aiming a pistol at him. I started tearing up before Kendall even knew what was coming, which made it even worse. He’s hit the stage where he is cooing and smiling a lot. He was just laying there, grinning ear to ear and making adorable baby noises when – BAM! – he felt the first enormous needle (those needles are HUGE, especially when they are headed toward a baby leg, chunky as it may be). He opened his mouth to scream and couldn’t even make any noise at first. I was audibly crying at this point. When the noise finally did escape from his beet red face it was the most blood curdling, “Oh my fucking god I’m dying, you’re killing me, this is the end, somebody save me!!!!” cry I have ever heard in my life. I felt like such a traitor. I’m supposed to protect him. I’m supposed to make him feel better, and all I could do was reach down with my tear soaked face between shots and kiss him. I couldn’t even bring myself to say anything to him until after the last shot and then all I could say was, “I’m soooo sorry.” Ugh. I’m crying again just thinking about it. If I can’t make it through this, how on earth will I survive the inevitable trips to the emergency room for broken bones and other boyhood joys?

Scott was supposed to accompany me, but he worked his last night of the night shift (ever!) last night and was up all morning packing. He’s exhausted and I don’t think a tired daddy and a screaming baby would have been the best combination. I was pretty upset that he didn’t come at first, but in hindsight it wouldn’t have helped either of us anyway. He is SO doing the next round of vaccinations, though, because clearly this had a much longer lasting impression on me than Kendall. I’m the one still crying about it. Kendall calmed down no more than a minute after the last shot and is quite content napping right now (although I’m prepared for him to wake up screaming in a few hours, as I’ve heard happens to many kids…. I have the infant Tylenol waiting).

It’s unreal how much another being’s emotions can be tied to your own. My first experience with this happened in the hospital on the second day. I had not slept but maybe 4 or 5 hours total and was exhausted. They took Kendall away to do a follow up sonogram and some tests on his kidneys for an issue they had been following since his 20 week ultrasound. Scott and I finally managed to fall asleep for an afternoon nap. When they wheeled him back in the nurse woke me and asked if I’d like them to take him to the nursery so we could get some sleep. I sleepily replied yes, that would be nice. As I watched her wheel him out of the room all I could think about was how could I be so selfish. The poor guy just had all sorts of tests run on him and had already had a pretty traumatic 48 hours (seriously, birth has got to be terrifying for a baby) and here I was sending him off to another room of strangers so mommy and daddy could get some peaceful sleep. It was my first hormone induced cry for my kid. I begged Scott to go stop the nurse and to bring him back. I told him I had made the wrong decision. He got to her before they even reached the nursery, and even though I never got that peaceful nap, I felt at peace knowing my baby was with us where he belonged. (This is where those who know me well and know how much I truly love and cherish sleep will see just how much being a mom has changed me) I seriously felt the strongest pains of empathy when I thought about him laying alone in that nursery without his mom or dad.

7 weeks old

7 thoughts on “Worst. thing. ever.”

  1. oooh man, shots suck hardcore! AYour first paragraph sums it up perfectly, poor babies…

    We’re doing two vaccinces every month, and this past round (for the fourth month check-up) was the first time I didn’t cry when he got them. I don’t even try to look at the needle, I just hold him and then nurse him right after, which I think calms both of us down.

  2. Poor guy! I cried just reading this entry, remembering all those “shots” with my little guy. I cried every time.

    You are a great mom and super funny!

  3. Awe! I have Brock’s two month check up this Thursday and I am not looking forward to it. I am making my DH go though…he has no choice! lol!
    I can totally relate on the hospital front. When they took Brock in for his circumsion I cried, but when they brought him back and I saw it I bawled like a baby.

  4. I cried at my little guy’s shots too, but I don’t think anything was as bad as when they brought him back after the circumcision. He was fine by that time, but the nurse showed us how to clean the area, and I saw the state it was in, and I just broke down. I TOLD them to do that to him! My baby, who I’m supposed to protect from harm, and I made them do that to him. Second day as a mother, and I felt I had completely failed him. If we have another boy, logic dictates that we’d still decide to do it, but my mothers heart might not be able to handle it.
    Thank you for sharing your experiences- nice to know we’re not the only ones feeling this stuff!

  5. My little girl is a week old today and I’m dreading her getting her shots! My eyes teared up just reading your story~!

  6. I’m a RMA who has to give vaccinations to babies 🙁 I hate having to do it. I can’t imagine how upset it’ll be when it’s my baby receiving them.

  7. For next time, go with him – I know how hard it is – but DON’T LOOK and nurse him, it will go easier.

    I can’t know for sure about the nursing – Ella’s reaction was the same. quiet horror before the wailing and the red, red face – but it really helped me. One, I couldn’t look at what was going on if I tried. And just being able to hold her and nurse her helped me feel like I was doing something.

    The nurse warned me she might bite – “You’re brave” were her exact words – but she didn’t bite, at all, she came unlatched when she screamed. But I was right there, ready to nurse after – no fumbling with shirt & bra since I was already there – and she quited down very quickly. Didn’t even nurse that long.

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