Ever since my husband and I overheard our niece belting out Fergie’s “My Humps” in the middle of the grocery store, we have made a concerted effort to expose her to some more three year old appropriate music.  As much as it pains me to hear “Six Little Ducks” over and over, it’s far better than her learning the words to all, or hell…ANY, of the songs on Top 40 radio.  Just like I’m sure our niece doesn’t realize “Ring Around the Rosie” is actually about the Black Plague, we never realized how inappropriate 90% of the music we listen to is for a three year old (and this is in no way an admission that I belt out Fergie…I put the blame for that squarely on her mother’s shoulders). We bought a set of three kid’s CDs, which, at first glance, seem like they could keep her entertained for hours.  They each have 18 songs on them.  Yeah… but it turns out most kids songs are like 30 seconds.  MOST, but not all.  Not the world’s most OBNOXIOUS kids song ever.  Ladies and gents, I present to you “There’s a Hole in the Bucket”, a song that I’m sure we never realized was so absolutely ridiculous when we were three.  However, as an adult, I’m appalled at the message it is sending to young girls!

(Boys)
There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

(Girls)
So fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So fix it dear Henry, dear Henry, fix it.

With what should I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I fix it, dear Liza, with what?

With straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, with straw.

But the straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The straw is too long, dear Liza, too long.

So cut it dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So cut it dear Henry, dear Henry, cut it!

With what should I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I cut it, dear Liza, with what?

Use the hatchet, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use the hatchet, dear Henry, the hatchet.

But the hatchet’s too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The hatchet’s too dull, dear Liza, too dull.

So, sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So sharpen it dear Henry, dear Henry, sharpen it!

With what should I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I sharpen, dear Liza, with what?

Use the stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use the stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, the stone.

But the stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
The stone is too dry, dear Liza, too dry.

So wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
So wet it dear Henry, dear Henry, wet it.

With what should I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I wet it, dear Liza, with what?

With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
With water, dear Henry, dear Henry, water.

With what should I carry it, dear Liza, dear Liza,
With what should I carry it dear Liza, with what?

Use the bucket dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
Use the bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, the bucket!

There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, a hole.

Okay, Liza…my dear.  We need to have a little talk.  Henry is a worthless piece of shit who can’t do anything for himself.  You are enabling his stupidity and laziness by putting up with his endless whining and complaining.  Ditch him now, while you are still young, before he knocks you up and then makes you get two jobs to support the babies and his World of Warcraft addiction.  If the boy can’t fix a bucket without you, that doesn’t bode well for his ability to provide you with a loving, stable and healthy relationship.  Break the cycle!

26 weeks 1 day

10 thoughts on “Liza, Henry is a douchebag.”

  1. This post made me LOL 🙂

    It gravely reminded me of a family camping trip I went on several years ago, at which I witnessed a four-year-old neighboring camper flawlessly perform a dancing, singing, and panting rendition of Britany Spears “Slave For You”.

    I still shudder in horror at the thought of it.

  2. As always, I come to your blog to help with my own pregnant sanity! I HAD to have my husband read this post, it had me practically laughing on the floor and peeing my pants (a common scenerio in my pregnant world)! The best part is about the song you’re referencing – our neighbor is from Germany and he has a German children’s CD he let our 18 month old borrowed. Of course I thought what a great idea! WELL, this song is on there in German and I had to have him translate it so I could know what the heck song my child wanted to listen to over and OVER again! Anyways, I’m rambling…I’m just glad to hear that I’m not the only way wondering about the sanity of the people creating these chidren’s songs!
    26 weeks 5 days

  3. I’ve never heard that song and OMG I hope to never hear it. It’s the most ridicioulous (sp?) song ever! Teach kids something better, I guess some of this “artist” don’t have anything better to write. Thanks for sharing!

  4. This song reminded me of when I took a lifeguarding CPR class with my best friend back when we were 15 or so – we had to learn mouth-to-stoma resuscitation and so we changed the words to that song to help us remember how to do it – but all I can remember of it now is our opening verse “There’s a hole in the neck, it’s called a stoma, a stoma…” (Yeah we were a little weird…)

    Anyway, I have been loving your blog since I randomly saw one of your posts on the nest. I think we actually contracted the rabies at about the same time and you’re now slightly ahead of me pregnancy-wise so it has been fun to keep tabs on your progress and feel like there is someone else out there who thinks like I do! Thanks for the laughs!

  5. OMG. Yet again not only you have made me laugh out loud, I’ve not spit milk on my screen after reading ” Henry is a worthless piece of shit”. You are freaking hilarious. Hope all is well chica!

  6. PLEASE post a new blog soon! I know you’re probably exhausted with the pregnancy AND a three-year-old. But I’m desperate for a fix of sarcastic yet sincere maternal instict!

  7. I was just thinking about how lame Henry is in this song the other day. One of my twins is named Henry and I like to sing him songs with his name in it. This makes an occasional appearance, but we much prefer Henry the Eighth.

  8. OMG! Very late on this b/c I’ve only just found your site from the Knot but you crack me up! My husband thought I was a freak when I would sing this song (only knew a few verses) and was glad to show him it’s an actual song. Yeah, think it just shows girls at a young age how dumbwitted some men are!

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