I am stuck in limbo between the cute clothes I once sported pre baby gut and boob explosion that are still hanging neatly in my closet probably never to be touched again and maternity clothes, which most of the time look so ridiculous on the hanger that I can’t even bring myself to try them on. I mean really, what the hell is up with all the fucking bows? Just because we are carrying the “gift of life” doesn’t mean we need to look like a damn birthday package.

I have a few pairs of jeans that I can still wear IF I connect the button to the button hole via two hair elastics…klassy. I also have a pair of low rise jeans that really help to accentuate my ponch…er…baby belly. Really they just make me look like the girl who gained 10 lbs and refuses to buy new clothes. My shirts…well…there are very few that are up for the challenge these days. If they can manage to stretch over my chest region, they come up too short to cover the oh so dazzling elastics holding my jeans together. Yes, I’ve tried that Bella Band thing, and it will suffice for the time being, but it does get quite annoying walking around all day with my pants undone, only to be covered by a sheer piece of stretchy fabric. I’m not fooling anyone. The worst part is the band always give me grandpa butt (saggy pants). And even though I really haven’t noticed the size of my butt getting any bigger (if it would, perhaps I would not have grandpa butt), suddenly my underwear are getting a little uncomfortable and digging into the sides of my hips.

**Note to all people pondering what they could buy a pregnant woman if they so desired to get her a little “congrats on the pregnancy” gift. I don’t think you can go wrong with a gift card to Victoria’s Secret (or other nice lingerie establishments). I feel like now, of all times in my life, I want to be most comfortable and do not fee like squishing myself into old/ill-fitting underwear or new polyester blends from the discount store. However, I think that mom mode has started to kick in and I find it incredibly difficult to justify shelling out loads of money on new bras and panties.

As far as maternity clothes go, I have bought a few things – a pair of jeans, and three long sleeve t-shirts. Up until a couple weeks ago, the jeans fit great because I was so bloated. I still wear them from time to time now, but since the bloat has gone way down I just look like I’m playing dress up (although I can’t deny that jeans with elastic waists are COMFY). The same goes for the shirts. I need a pretty visible bump to pull those off, not just an expanded waistline.

So here I am in fashion purgatory. Do I go buy regular clothes in larger sizes? Seems logical, right? Ideally, I could wear them after birth, too. But there is something really depressing about shopping for bigger sizes, pregnant or not, and I have no idea how long these new sizes will fit me. If I have to skip on into maternity clothes in another month, I’d just as soon hold out and get more of those.

I have been to the mall several times over the last few weeks in search of SOMETHING to wear…anything, but I come home empty handed every time. Instead of committing to a new shirt or some bigger jeans, I spend my time eying all the great new clothes that I’m missing out on this fall. Breezing through Ann Taylor Loft = sadness. I just can’t bring myself to buy anything at this stage. As a result, I’ve damned myself to a life of sweat pants, sports bras and maybe three nice casual tops (that cover the elastic on my jeans). Add to that my recent lack of desire to put on a full face of makeup and my inability to wear any shoe with a heel higher than 1/2 inch and you have a full fledged fashion victim. I am becoming my irrational fear.

12 weeks 4 days