The Discovery Health channel is all kinds of educational for a newly pregnant woman.  Where I used to only tune into that channel for such entertainment delights like “Trashcan Full of Skin”  and “627lb Woman”, now I tune in for any show that shows a woman painfully trying to expel a baby (or babies) from a ridiculously small hole in her body (even those damn c-section holes look so small!).  They show it all – c-sections, epidurals, natural, birthing centers, home births – there are so many different ways and places to have birth, but it all comes down to getting that kid out of you, and it NEVER looks fun.

I don’t know why I’m so addicted to these shows.  I think it’s like watching a train wreck, knowing that that very same train will hit you in 8 months, and you just want to make sure that everyone makes it out alive.  Perhaps you will pick up on some helpful survival tips for when you are in that very same situation, like on those Survivorman shows where you take mental notes on how to build a shelter that will protect you from lions in Africa.  More than anything, what I have noticed from watching these shows lately is what I DON’T want happening to me in labor and delivery (and I’m fairly certain I will have some control over these things…that makes me happy).

1.  There will be no mirror.  I have no desire to view what all is going on down there.  I am pretty damn sure that the pain I will be feeling will be enough to help me visualize how hideous things are looking.  Honestly, I don’t want the first glimpse I get of my child to be  the top of their head being crammed through my body, and not to mention the fluids and the tearing I’m bound to see!  I don’t need that visual every time I reach over to kiss their sweet little head.  My husband certainly doesn’t need to see all of that either.  I’m sure the miracle of life will not be lost on us just because we didn’t view, or document for that matter (camera’s below the waist?  WTF?!), the kiddo’s grand entrance.

2.  I don’t understand nor do I want to partake in pulling my own child out of my vagina.  I’m sorry, but last I checked that was your job, Doc.  I’m doing the pushing, you’re doing the pulling.   If I wanted to pull my own kid out with my bare hands, I would just skip the hospital all together and go squat it out in the woods somewhere. I’m pretty sure my insurance covers all of delivery, including physically extracting the kid from my body.  No DIY here.

3.  Finally, please, for the love of all things sweet and clean in this world, do NOT just plop that baby right on my tummy, all covered in juices and tissues and God knows what else.  I will not be one of those mommies who scoops it up right away and starts kissing it, and that will make me feel guilty – that my baby will be laying on my tummy, all dirty, and I’m grossed out by it.  Don’t make me start motherhood with this guilt.  Take the kid out of me and at least give it a good wipe down before handing it off.  I’m not asking you to take it away for an hour for a shampoo and haircut, but 30 seconds in a towel from my ass to my face will do wonders.

Now, I’ve had so many women tell me that you’ll change your mind about these things during delivery, that they help you bond and you won’t be grossed out by them when it’s your own child.  Maybe, but I’m not going to make myself feel like a worthless mom from day one if I don’t change my mind.  Maybe it’s not like this for every delivery and I don’t really have anything to worry about.  Perhaps it’s just that the women who are comfortable enough to share their birthing experience with the world via Discovery Health channel are also comfortable with these things that skeeve me out.

5 thoughts on “I plan on pushing, not pulling.”

  1. I agree with you on all counts, especially number 3. I’m already slightly OCD as it is so yeah you can see where I would def. be skeeved out by my baby (as beautiful and wonderful as it may be) not being cleaned up a tad before I held it.

  2. You are hilarious. I basically feel the same way about everything when I go through the “extraction” in May. But man, you definately have a way with words. I was cracking up the entire time I read this. Good luck!! I hope everything goes great for you.

  3. Bwahahahahahahaha! I didn’t change my mind either. Not about any of those things. Just make sure you tell them ahead of time. Some dumbass, well-meaning nurse will try to talk you out of it…stand your ground!

  4. Pulling your own child out of your vagina!?!?!? Is this done?!?! How is that even possible?!?! Man, I’ve got a lot to learn… This post paints an all too graphic picture – enough to keep my early stage baby rabies in remission for a little while longer. Thanks for that. 🙂

  5. #3 is exactly how I felt the first time. I told the doc: “DO NOT put that nasty baby ANYWHERE near me before he’s cleaned off.”

    Then, when I wound up with a cesarean, and didn’t get to see my baby at all until he was many hours old, and he came to me bathed and wrapped, I regretted every thinking anything like that. After that, I longed for nothing more than to have a fresh baby places on my chest to adore, and smell, and squeeze.

    That was one of the million reasons I fought for my VBAC. And during my VBAC, I got all that. My favorite picture of the last many years is my slimy baby on my chest with my husband hunched over us both, both of us crying in joy. And I want the same thing next time – only more naked. and more pictures.

    I wish I could go back and slap some sense into the 28 yr old me. 😉

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